« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2021, 11:08:43 PM »
From the mental health thread:
I think the key is that our lives are not worthwhile in proportion to the amount we produce, the career objectives we achieve, or the number of people we interact with, or even to what degree we help those people or inspire warm and fuzzy feelings in them. I always remember what a determined and happy friend said once: "Your life is for you."
It's true that as academically minded people, we're used to looking at how well we scored on that exam or the grade we earned in that class, and that translates into "What career achievements do I have?" when we graduate into being professionals. And if we want to do those things (actually want to do them and savor them, not just cross them off the list or feel we are "keeping up'), then we should aim at a reasonable amount of them. But there's no finish line where someone says, "You have kept up with the highest performers in your peer group, you are now worthy, you can feel comfortable now." We're used to that finish line (the test scores come out, the class grades come out). We have to adjust to the lack of that as adults.
And we all have a tendency to look at the people who perform best at the easily measured things and compare ourselves to them. The person from the grad school cohort who got the job at Harvard or the big grant or the TV gig, or maybe all three. And the people who come right after that person, with visibly "successful" lives. Of course even those don't tell the whole story. I once talked to someone who deals with a lot of the top Hollywood celebrities. She said, "They're rich and famous, but none of that insulates you from family difficulties, health problems, and emotional pain. Believe me. They have as much of that as anyone. I have talked to them a lot and I know."
But comparing ourselves to the high achievers doesn't give us a true sense of where we stand in the scheme of things, even if we're determined to measure our success in relation to other people. How many people from your high school got derailed and never finished, or finished under a cloud? How many are struggling in part-time grocery store jobs with no benefits? I would imagine more than one would think, because those people are typically less visible on our personal radar. People have children with terrible problems, siblings with terrible problems, a whole range of challenges and difficulties. All of us were led to believe we had bright shiny futures and if they didn't turn out bright and shiny, something was badly wrong (probably with us, but maybe we were uniquely targeted by fate) and it is all bad and a failure. But the truth is that everybody's life is a mixture. (I am leaving out people with genuinely appalling life circumstances, like traumatized refugees and the desperately poor in ravaged countries, and people like that — although they're on the scale of what our lives could have been like too.)
But anyway, everyone's life is a mixture of benefits and hardships. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with us or that we were uniquely singled out. It's the human condition. And the human challenge is to learn to savor the good things, despite the hardships. Because they are there, and they're there for us. Gladioli, ice cream sundaes, bath beads, puppies, a book lent by an old friend, a pillow that is just right, lovely remarks on Twitter (try Tom Cox), whatever pleasures speak to you — all those things are there for us. Despite all the rest of the challenges. The one doesn't cancel out the other, though our response depends a lot on where we turn our attention. It is an act of kindness to ourselves to let ourselves have a space where we relish and savor those things that are there despite how we feel about our CVs or our life achievements. Sometimes we have to bring our attention back to the good things a hundred times a day, because our internal alarm system has set itself on high and is determined to pay attention only to the ways we can feel bad. Turning our attention back to the good is a practice that rewards itself. Hang in there.

Logged
Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding.
Reprove not a scorner, lest they hate thee: rebuke the wise, and they will love thee.
Give instruction to the wise, and they will be yet wiser: teach the just, and they will increase in learning.