Author Topic: Caring for Elderly Parents  (Read 8417 times)

Morden

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #135 on: May 03, 2020, 03:06:29 PM »
Hi Pensive, My mom hasn't been able to figure out pushing virtual buttons on a screen (smart phone or tablet), so that's something to test out before purchasing anything. I don't know if she pushes too hard or too soft or what.
Is it possible to have something like home care come out to periodically check in on your mom? Even something like Meals on Wheels means that there are eyes on her on a regular basis.

Penna

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #136 on: May 03, 2020, 06:35:52 PM »
Yeah, that's a good point about the issue of using a touchscreen, Morden.  I'm not sure how she would do with that now that I think of it.

I don't think she would income-qualify for Meals on Wheels and I don't think medically she qualifies for home care.  And she is very resistant to the the idea of "extra" costs for anything. On my list of things to look into is the local Senior "Friends" Center in her area.  Several years ago, I did get her to agree to join, but then she didn't go to one event/class etc. the year she had a (low-cost) paid membership.  And of course now I think their in-person activities are not happening anyway due to the pandemic.

I sort of feel like she "falls between the cracks" (medically and financially) in terms of getting assistance.  I don't know if she really needs/is "ready" for assisted living, but maybe she is.  But then I find myself thinking that maybe now doesn't seem like the best time to consider something like assisted living since as far as avoiding coronavirus is concerned, maybe it's better that she's not living in any type of "group" environment. 

nebo113

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #137 on: May 04, 2020, 05:12:56 AM »
Yeah, that's a good point about the issue of using a touchscreen, Morden.  I'm not sure how she would do with that now that I think of it.

I don't think she would income-qualify for Meals on Wheels and I don't think medically she qualifies for home care.  And she is very resistant to the the idea of "extra" costs for anything. On my list of things to look into is the local Senior "Friends" Center in her area.  Several years ago, I did get her to agree to join, but then she didn't go to one event/class etc. the year she had a (low-cost) paid membership.  And of course now I think their in-person activities are not happening anyway due to the pandemic.

I sort of feel like she "falls between the cracks" (medically and financially) in terms of getting assistance.  I don't know if she really needs/is "ready" for assisted living, but maybe she is.  But then I find myself thinking that maybe now doesn't seem like the best time to consider something like assisted living since as far as avoiding coronavirus is concerned, maybe it's better that she's not living in any type of "group" environment.

Several years ago, my mother made the decision to move to an independent living retirement community.  She has a very nice two bedroom apartment, her cat, and her car.  While the facility itself provides no nursing/medical care, many of the residents are frail and have some form of care giving.  At 91, my mother is very healthy, but has accommodated to the frailty of those around her.  Although the transition was quite difficult for her (even though it was her decision),  we are all glad she made it.  She has other people around, can take all meals in a dining room (though she doesn't always), can usually round up a bridge four some, walks inside/outside....  Fortunately, the facility saw the writing on the wall around March 10, and started putting procedures in place to safeguard the residents, in a red state with a dumb governor.  While I agree that now s not the time to move, it might be a good time to look around and see what's available.   And, honestly, in many places, new retirement apartments are being built, so it's a good time to negotiate on price.

Penna

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #138 on: May 04, 2020, 06:09:36 AM »
Thanks, nebo.  I'm glad your mom has found a good situation.  I have been thinking for several years that the situation you describe is what would be ideal for my mom. If not for the pandemic, I would have been trying to get her to consider something like that this summer, since she didn't want to consider any change while her bf was still alive.  She is very concerned about the extra costs, though--she's been living in essentially a drastically rent-controlled apartment (owned by the family of her one friend that I mentioned) and currently pays less than $500/month (plus utilities) for a tiny one-bedroom.  From the brief looking into it that I've done so far, I think her monthly costs for the type of community you describe would go up dramatically.  I think she still might be able to afford it if she dipped into her savings each month to supplement her monthly income from Social Security and a state retirement pension, but in the past she's been very resistant to the idea of moving.  Maybe the realities of the current situation will start to change her mind.  At any rate, it's on my list of things to do this summer to try to research communities like that in her area.

Morden

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #139 on: May 15, 2020, 05:56:27 PM »
My 94-year-old mother refuses to tell anyone over the phone that she's not feeling well. Even in person, it's like playing 20 questions--and she flat out lies to doctors to minimize her symptoms. Aargh.

mamselle

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #140 on: May 15, 2020, 09:01:24 PM »
Oh, yes.

My folks had a major car accident, didn't tell anyone until a week later. Twice.

My mom had maintenance surgery on her pacemaker the week after I visited once. She never told me during the visit that she was going in.

But then, she never told anyone she was having a pacemaker installed to begin with, either, until about a month later.

Either one of them might have fallen multiple times--they only told you long afterwards, if at all.

It's a control thing, maybe, as well as fear of MDs, as you say.

But my folks weren't afraid of those, they just didn't tell THEM anything, either.

When I tried to explain about being ones own advocate because medical personnel are often preoccupied and need help knowing what's been happening, they told me they didn't think that was right.

They felt like the doctor got paid to figure out what was wrong, so why do their work for them?

Arrggghhhh....they're both gone now, RIP, but that was one of the most difficult parts of the whole pastoral experience.

M.
Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding.

Reprove not a scorner, lest they hate thee: rebuke the wise, and they will love thee.

Give instruction to the wise, and they will be yet wiser: teach the just, and they will increase in learning.

Morden

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #141 on: May 16, 2020, 09:11:42 AM »
Thanks Mamselle. Yes, why would you tell the physician things that might help them figure out what was going on?

paultuttle

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Re: Caring for Elderly Parents
« Reply #142 on: July 03, 2020, 02:29:11 PM »
When my maternal grandfather--a farmer who'd had herds of cattle, pens of pigs, chicken houses, a lucrative egg business, and multiple corn and wheat fields--was (ahem!) getting old and (increasingly) crotchety, he'd go to the doctor and sit there on the exam table, silent as a knot on a log.

My mother, a nurse, would say, "Daddy, go ahead and tell the doctor what you told me." He wouldn't respond.

Being somewhat similar to her father, she tackled the problem head-on in the car after one such visit: "Daddy, why won't you tell the doctor what's wrong? The doctor won't know unless you describe the problem."

She laughed until she cried when she told us at the dinner table that night how he'd responded: "Sugar, he's a professional. He ought to be able to look at me and figure out what my problems are without me saying a thing."

Mom's comment: "Daddy must've thought he'd gone to a veterinarian." And then she'd be cracking up again.