Hoping this isn't spam, wd appreciate honest discussion w/ appropriate audience

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I hope to be in touch with the faculty that peruse this forum so that I can find honest, grounded, open-minded and mature discussion (at least for a good chunk of the discussion, I know this can be a silly matter for some, I'm not scared of y'all having a little fun with this) about a taboo subject. The all famous and easily fallible one, I am compelled towards a professor.

I just want to understand how you, as a professor would interpret the following scenario. My personal intentions are not to harm this person because I know the question I am asking has ramifications that may impact someone other than me. It is not my intention to project my feelings onto anyone, or to ignore the fact that advances to teachers in professional settings can reek havoc, sexual harassment, unfair unwanted sexual attention to a superior, if they reject and I react, basic transference.

I very innocently started to have a crush on my professor three years ago, I did not think much of it, actually I didn't notice it much, bodies are weird. I have kept in touch with her frequently since. To update her about my professional development at school (classes, club stuff).

I know this experience will paint a very skewed picture of how I see her. To add, Before I realized my attraction, I was and still am very keen on getting to know her because of the area of research she specializes in, maybe the attraction motivated extra interest? I was top of her class and I have decided her research specialty is what I will pursue in graduate school.

I desire more than anything to ask her out. I want to take her out and get to know her. I want to know if she could ever see me as anything other than a student. After graduation of course, where she is not pressured and can freely reject me if that's how she feels. For context, I'm 33 years old and she is 40.

I'm curious to know how you would proceed, what you think, how I should handle this, your generally thoughts on professor student dalliances, or generally comments on how silly I am for holding on to this thought for 3 years now :)

Thanks in advance,
An enamored undergrad

[Caracal]

Well, assuming this is real...

A professor who asks a current student if they are attracted to them is not behaving appropriately. There's nothing wrong with you having a crush. That happens. There's also nothing wrong with your professor knowing you have a crush on them. However, any sensible person who suspected that a student might have feelings for them would go out of their way to keep the relationship strictly professional. I think you really need to understand this from the perspective of an instructor. There is no world in which I would be asking a student "curious" questions about their sexuality and whether they were attracted to me. The fact that others were around for these discussions doesn't make it any more appropriate, just weirder. At best, this person completely lacks common sense and good judgement. I suspect it is worse than that. Regardless, you really should stay away from them. This isn't likely to end well.

[bacardiandlime]

I'm 33 years old

YIKES.

I thought this was written by a teenager.

[ergative]

Well, assuming this is real...

A professor who asks a current student if they are attracted to them is not behaving appropriately. There's nothing wrong with you having a crush. That happens. There's also nothing wrong with your professor knowing you have a crush on them. However, any sensible person who suspected that a student might have feelings for them would go out of their way to keep the relationship strictly professional. I think you really need to understand this from the perspective of an instructor. There is no world in which I would be asking a student "curious" questions about their sexuality and whether they were attracted to me. The fact that others were around for these discussions doesn't make it any more appropriate, just weirder. At best, this person completely lacks common sense and good judgement. I suspect it is worse than that. Regardless, you really should stay away from them. This isn't likely to end well.

Yes, this all the way. No matter how much you like your professor, she is the kind of person who acts unprofessionally in a manner that she should absolutely know better than to indulge in. It is not her job to help you realize your sexual orientation. You should reconsider whether such a person is worth your interest.

If, in the end, you decide to pursue this, you yourself would be doing nothing wrong. I think it's unwise (given the reasons above), but you're morally in the clear.

[ciao_yall]

Well, assuming this is real...

A professor who asks a current student if they are attracted to them is not behaving appropriately. There's nothing wrong with you having a crush. That happens. There's also nothing wrong with your professor knowing you have a crush on them. However, any sensible person who suspected that a student might have feelings for them would go out of their way to keep the relationship strictly professional. I think you really need to understand this from the perspective of an instructor. There is no world in which I would be asking a student "curious" questions about their sexuality and whether they were attracted to me. The fact that others were around for these discussions doesn't make it any more appropriate, just weirder. At best, this person completely lacks common sense and good judgement. I suspect it is worse than that. Regardless, you really should stay away from them. This isn't likely to end well.

^^^This.^^^ A thousand times ^^^This.^^^

[polly_mer]

Ask around the grapevine and see if you really are a special case or whether the faculty member has a reputation of having a new sweetie from the student ranks every year or so.

Seldom do these romances go well for the students involved, even if the students wait until they are technically no longer students.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I'm 33 years old

YIKES.

I thought this was written by a teenager.

LOL. Blindsided by an epic professor, what can I say. You should see her.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Ask around the grapevine and see if you really are a special case or whether the faculty member has a reputation of having a new sweetie from the student ranks every year or so.

Seldom do these romances go well for the students involved, even if the students wait until they are technically no longer students.

I'm not sure who I would go to for this. I'm on pretty good terms with grad students in my department, I could potentially ask one, (And I did ask one grad student if it was appropriate for other grad students to ask you if you liked certain professors and TA's, to which she replied, that doesn't seem professional) -- but I think before graduation is risky in case the grad student gets back to the prof. I need letters of reference after all.

I know it might be naive on my part or hormones doing their job but I DO think I'm mature enough to evaluate whether or not I could make the dalliance work. For instance, talking about what happens if we don't end up doing anything long term or keeping a little physical hanky panky secret for instance.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Well, assuming this is real...

A professor who asks a current student if they are attracted to them is not behaving appropriately. There's nothing wrong with you having a crush. That happens. There's also nothing wrong with your professor knowing you have a crush on them. However, any sensible person who suspected that a student might have feelings for them would go out of their way to keep the relationship strictly professional. I think you really need to understand this from the perspective of an instructor. There is no world in which I would be asking a student "curious" questions about their sexuality and whether they were attracted to me. The fact that others were around for these discussions doesn't make it any more appropriate, just weirder. At best, this person completely lacks common sense and good judgement. I suspect it is worse than that. Regardless, you really should stay away from them. This isn't likely to end well.

Yes, this all the way. No matter how much you like your professor, she is the kind of person who acts unprofessionally in a manner that she should absolutely know better than to indulge in. It is not her job to help you realize your sexual orientation. You should reconsider whether such a person is worth your interest.

If, in the end, you decide to pursue this, you yourself would be doing nothing wrong. I think it's unwise (given the reasons above), but you're morally in the clear.

To be honest, I never really thought about it that way. I think she brought it to light because she does reserach on LGBT people and wanted to offer me a position in her lab. Second, I think she was concerned about my behaviour, maybe I was staring? Maybe I was talking to much to her after class?

You know, I wouldn't put it past male students to harrass a very good looking female professor, maybe she was not comfortable?

Though, I also asked myself many times, why didn't she just leave it? Why'd she ask me? Anyway why did she even bring up sexual orientation before I did? Again, maybe she was just trying to get me to find a personal motivation to be in her lab and talking about sexual orientation stuff might have been her way? But I was asked by multiple people under her supervision if I liked her and honestly the questions were unwanted even if true. My private thoughts are my private thoughts.

I have wondered why people think it's ok to talk about my sexuality or ask about it when I haven't offered first. I did bring this up with her, why was I asked this question in the first place?  To which she very stealthily evaded!

Thank you for mentioning it isn't wrong. I have on a number of occasions beaten myself up over liking her.

[Hegemony]

I get the impression that you're not taking from this something that folks are saying, which is that this kind of remark on her part is not a healthy sign. It is not a sign of good boundaries. You're looking at why she might have said it, and finding various possible reasons. But from the point of view of professionals, she should not have said it, no matter what the reason. It is a sign of overstepping, and that is a very high-risk behavior from someone who unquestionably has heard all the campus controversies about becoming too personal with students. What this means is that if you are graduate and get involved with this professor (which would only be ethical and conscionable after you are no longer a student), she will exercise bad judgment, and therefore would be a bad person to be involved with. I know you may say, "Well, if it's only a fling, it's okay if she's not in tip-top emotional health, it wouldn't be a serious thing between us." But people who have poor judgment can cause havoc at any level of relationship.

I know this is not going to be welcome news to someone with a crush, and there will be all kinds of reasons to dismiss it. But after you've graduated and approached her and things have gone badly, you can recall this and use it for future reference. As the saying is, "The destination is clearly printed on the ticket, so don't be surprised when you end up there." I'm not saying this to be harsh, but to be realistic. It often feels, when we have a crush, as if the intensity of the feeling means that the relationship is "right." But intensity is just intensity; it doesn't signal anything about the other person, it's more about the level of hope and engagement. Go slowly and watch out for yourself.

[Ruralguy]

I'm also going to preface with "assuming that this is real ..."
and just say that you shouldn't do this.

Again, not so much that it shows anything bad about you, other than that you at 33 can't see why this might be a bad idea.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I get the impression that you're not taking from this something that folks are saying, which is that this kind of remark on her part is not a healthy sign. It is not a sign of good boundaries. You're looking at why she might have said it, and finding various possible reasons. But from the point of view of professionals, she should not have said it, no matter what the reason. It is a sign of overstepping, and that is a very high-risk behavior from someone who unquestionably has heard all the campus controversies about becoming too personal with students. What this means is that if you are graduate and get involved with this professor (which would only be ethical and conscionable after you are no longer a student), she will exercise bad judgment, and therefore would be a bad person to be involved with. I know you may say, "Well, if it's only a fling, it's okay if she's not in tip-top emotional health, it wouldn't be a serious thing between us." But people who have poor judgment can cause havoc at any level of relationship.

I know this is not going to be welcome news to someone with a crush, and there will be all kinds of reasons to dismiss it. But after you've graduated and approached her and things have gone badly, you can recall this and use it for future reference. As the saying is, "The destination is clearly printed on the ticket, so don't be surprised when you end up there." I'm not saying this to be harsh, but to be realistic. It often feels, when we have a crush, as if the intensity of the feeling means that the relationship is "right." But intensity is just intensity; it doesn't signal anything about the other person, it's more about the level of hope and engagement. Go slowly and watch out for yourself.

I came here for honesty and you're dishing it out. I'm thankful.

I'm trying really hard to have compassion for my professor. I think she got personal with me for a reason that one semester. I think maybe she might have even been worried about my mental health. That wasn't an easy semester for me and I was very greatful to her for being extra kind to me. It's also possible that she gets personal with ALL her students, at least to some degree. I did notice though, that she told me about her sexuality in private and didn't announce it to the class. Again I think she was just trying to encourage me to come out. Maybe this is unhealthy? I'm really the happier for it you know?

I'm not really sure if I'm trying to excuse her behavior. We spoke about a lot of other things too, not just sexuality. I just enjoyed getting to know her. Honestly she's gorgeous and charming in the classroom, who wouldn't?

I don't think my professor is returning feelings if this is suspected. I know that while a student she won't see me any other way than a student. But I am definitely smitten so there IS tension because of what could be, I admit. The promise of potential emotional intimacy, as I've heard people say.

It's very hard, yes, I really want to be physical with her, and as I read what you're writing it is very difficult for me to sidestep my very real physical inclinations towards her. You can tell in our conversations we get personal sometimes and it's probably fueling this fire.

Thank you for the fore-warning, I need to take the time to really think about it. I was actually happy she's someone that will break the rules, you know, it means I have a greater chance of getting her (if you will). But I do understand I need to heed your words and think about this.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I'm also going to preface with "assuming that this is real ..."
and just say that you shouldn't do this.

Again, not so much that it shows anything bad about you, other than that you at 33 can't see why this might be a bad idea.

Thank you for responding. I don't want to get married and have kids if the 33 part is something that I should reflect on.

[marshwiggle]

It's very hard, yes, I really want to be physical with her, and as I read what you're writing it is very difficult for me to sidestep my very real physical inclinations towards her. You can tell in our conversations we get personal sometimes and it's probably fueling this fire.

Thank you for the fore-warning, I need to take the time to really think about it. I was actually happy she's someone that will break the rules, you know, it means I have a greater chance of getting her (if you will). But I do understand I need to heed your words and think about this.

Much of what you say here indicates that you're much more focussed on a personal relationship than a professional one. If the latter is actually important, then the former has the potential to blow it all up. (As everyone else has said.)

And as some have said, crushes (in either direction) are not at all surprising. But acting on them crosses lines that can't be uncrossed.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

It's very hard, yes, I really want to be physical with her, and as I read what you're writing it is very difficult for me to sidestep my very real physical inclinations towards her. You can tell in our conversations we get personal sometimes and it's probably fueling this fire.

Thank you for the fore-warning, I need to take the time to really think about it. I was actually happy she's someone that will break the rules, you know, it means I have a greater chance of getting her (if you will). But I do understand I need to heed your words and think about this.

Much of what you say here indicates that you're much more focussed on a personal relationship than a professional one. If the latter is actually important, then the former has the potential to blow it all up. (As everyone else has said.)

And as some have said, crushes (in either direction) are not at all surprising. But acting on them crosses lines that can't be uncrossed.

Yes, I have no intention of crossing these lines with her while I work with her or expect to have a professional relationship with her. I haven't really kept up a personal relation with her while we are working together but behind the scenes yes I am kind of eager to get to know her. It's true.

Maybe for the professional relationship to work better I need to get a handle on these personal notions. It's hard for me to evaluate whether pursuing this is a good idea, crush logic and all, but you have all warned me against it which I hope will help tilt me in a new direction!