How To Get Published--the Irreverent List

[Myword]

The irreverent guide to getting your work published without paying fees


      1.  Be repetitive, never concise. Rephrase the same sentences over and over again.
 
      2.  Redundancy.  Your work should be exceptionally redundant from published work. Avoid originality!
      Highly original papers must be outstanding, written for the Queen.
   
      3. Argue or use semantics. Discuss use of prepositions and common words like cause, imply, experiment.

      4,   Write a boring abstract that looks unpromising and modest.

      5.  Include a few foreign phrases in Latin, French, Italian or Polish

      6.  Defend a commonly accepted truth or theory. The Big Bang, theism, gravity, blue skies

      7.  For surveys, use college students, say in Iceland or Botswana, Mozambique. Doesn't matter if the answers are unreliable, erratic, superficial, as long as the study is "valid".

       8. Find a very minor discrepancy or mistake in a published paper and blow it up out of proportion big time.  This shows your critical thinking.

        9.  To ensure PC rules, mention sympathetic issues regarding women and at least two minorities

[mamselle]

Thud.   
                                                Thud.
                     Thud.

Thud....thud...Thud

                        《 ...more scales fall from eyes...》

Oh.

     Hmmm....

So that's why......

                              I see.

But...what to DO about it????

M.

[Parasaurolophus]

10. Reject a commonly-held belief or theory.

11. Don't send your paper to the specialist journal that keeps on *"&?%ing rejecting my work even though the same papers get into fancier journals all the time.

[Wahoo Redux]

12.  Write incomprehensibly.  The longer and more convoluted the sentences, the better.  It makes you seem much, much smarter than the rest of us.

13.  Use words and terms which do not exist such as "Interthreadurality" or "Performanarrativity" or "Para-Post-Colonialistic Paradigms," again to make yourself sound much smarter than the rest of us and to make it seem like you know something we do not.  You may make these up as you go.  In fact, if you make up enough of these someone will write an incomprehensible book about you.

14.  Refer to existing theories in vague word clusters and names used as adjectives as if you have a deep and complex understanding of the concept, once again to make yourself sound smarter than the rest of us, such as "Hegelian synthesis demands that..." or "Foucauldian power dynamics are apparent in..."----and whatever you do don't actually explain the concept or we will realize that you are hawking toro guano. 

[bio-nonymous]

15. Use whatever random statistical test will get your data to show a difference at p<0.05 to support your hypothesis, never mind whether the test is appropriate for your data, assumptions for the test are met, or if there is any clinical relevance to the change.