SO and I are talking about having a kid within a few years, and he really really really wants a girl. When I ask why, he says he doesn't know, he just does.
I honestly have no preference.
I know it's pretty common for people to hope for a particular sex, but why is this?
My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"
My wife and I were happy to have a healthy child. Blessed, my wife would say.
We hoped for a girl because of the awful things toxic masculinity does. But we have a boy. And we're delighted.
Quote from: ciao_yall on February 01, 2023, 05:49:42 PM
My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"
Looks like your friend doesn't want to work, ciao.
I grew up with only brothers (and male cousins -- not a girl to be found among any of the kids in my generation in my family), and when our first kid was born, I was hoping for a boy 'cuz I sure as heck didn't know anything about girls.
We, of course, had a daughter. From the moment I first saw her (and even before!) she has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.
When we had kid 2, I felt like I had some experience with girls, but boys -- gah! Thinking back to growing up, I realized we were kinda gross and smelly. I wanted another girl.
We, of course, had a son. From the moment I first saw him (and even before!) he has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.
(There's no kid 3. Kids 1 and 2 were super colicky -- for the first eight months, they both screamed as if they were in constant pain, and there was nothing we could do. They're both pretty mellow now, but there was no way we could face that possibility a third time.)
There is probably some research on why parents prefer either boys and girls. I'd speculate it's probably due to how parent's own childhood and relationship with siblings are perceived. My wife is from a family of all girls (3) and I'm from a family of all boys (3). Her relationship with her sisters was extremely close and remains so to this day. She slightly preferred being a mom to a daughter. My relationship with my brothers was more distant although we are in good terms as adults. I had no strong preference for boys or girls.
We have 2 girls and they are dramatically different in terms of 'maintenance'. Not sure I agree that girls are easier to parent.
I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.
Quote from: dismalist on February 01, 2023, 06:11:45 PM
Quote from: ciao_yall on February 01, 2023, 05:49:42 PM
My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"
Looks like your friend doesn't want to work, ciao.
Or maybe she just didn't want to have to take her work home with her.
Quote from: traductio on February 02, 2023, 05:33:15 AM
I grew up with only brothers (and male cousins -- not a girl to be found among any of the kids in my generation in my family), and when our first kid was born, I was hoping for a boy 'cuz I sure as heck didn't know anything about girls.
We, of course, had a daughter. From the moment I first saw her (and even before!) she has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.
When we had kid 2, I felt like I had some experience with girls, but boys -- gah! Thinking back to growing up, I realized we were kinda gross and smelly. I wanted another girl.
We, of course, had a son. From the moment I first saw him (and even before!) he has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.
(There's no kid 3. Kids 1 and 2 were super colicky -- for the first eight months, they both screamed as if they were in constant pain, and there was nothing we could do. They're both pretty mellow now, but there was no way we could face that possibility a third time.)
It lovely to hear that both your kids, boy and girl, were immediately an "All-Time Favorite Human Being".
The reality is that most of us don't get to choose and all babies have the same needs for the first weeks & months of care anyway (full tummy, clean diaper, warmth and love).
Plus, they all grow up to be themself - not an imaginary idea of what you think a boy or girl ought to be.
Quote from: Caracal on February 02, 2023, 06:37:15 AM
I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.
I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.
SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.
I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."
Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?
As long as you're okay with the possibility of two or three children--especially, but not exclusively, if you're the child-bearing partner--then it's nothing to worry about. But if you only want one, then you both need to be clear and committed to that plan. These things do change--we only wanted one, but we're now (two years in) both open to the possibility of another in a few years. But you guys should be on roughly the same page.
Just the one is a lot of work, especially if you're both far from family. If your SO is very involved in parenting the first, that may well temper their desperation for a particular sex.
Quote from: smallcleanrat on February 05, 2023, 08:42:49 PM
Quote from: Caracal on February 02, 2023, 06:37:15 AM
I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.
I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.
SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.
I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."
Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?
My dad would have loved to have had a son, but ended up with five girls.
Quote from: smallcleanrat on February 05, 2023, 08:42:49 PM
I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.
As the father of four girls (and as someone who was raised in a house full of boys), I found this thought to be the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.
Quote from: ciao_yall on February 06, 2023, 05:19:33 AM
Quote from: smallcleanrat on February 05, 2023, 08:42:49 PM
Quote from: Caracal on February 02, 2023, 06:37:15 AM
I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.
I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.
SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.
I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."
Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?
My dad would have loved to have had a son, but ended up with five girls.
It is potentially concerning. Would your SO be a devoted and loving parent to ALL of your children? Or would he show blatant favoritism if you had a boy and then a girl? Or what if you have a girl - is he going to be upset if you want a second child (girl = done)?
If you had a really difficult pregnancy (or delivery), would he support you if you said you can't go through that again?
Adoption is a long, expensive process. The more restrictions you have (age, race, gender, etc), the longer it takes.
You two need to be on the same page about how many kids, regardless of gender.
My grandmother had six living children, all of them were boys.
With my first, I (kind of) was hoping for a girl. Mostly because I am cis-female and was thinking about having the shared experience and ability to relate to my future child. I also spent far too much time doomscrolling on the rates of developmental delays in boys being higher. And then, firstborn was assigned male at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I am crazy about him. Two years later, all I wanted was another boy. And guess what... secondborn was assigned female at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I'm crazy about her. I do have to laugh at your SO thinking a girl might be easier. My experience has been the opposite, but every kid is different.
And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.
Quote from: Istiblennius on February 06, 2023, 08:14:39 AM
And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.
That's small potatoes compared to a child whose
species identity does not match their birth assignment.What do you do when your kid self-identifies as a dinosaur? That is a very real human experience.
I'm pretty sure both of mine did identify as dinosaurs for a period of time during preschool.
Why isn't there a market for this stuff? Auction the unwanted kids off to the highest bidder.
The difficulty is that we want our own children, made from our own genes, so we don't want to trade. Wishes differentiating between desirability of boys and girls may well lead to selective abortion. If the proportions aren't right, there'll be one hell of a lot of unhappy children.
This is not a plea for doing something for humanity. Rather, it's a plea to think of one's own childrens' interests as part of one's own.
And that's pretty easy: The natural ratio of male to female births is about 105 to 100, on account we males are so delicate. Just don't mess with it.
Modern flow cytometry techniques can be used to separate sperm based on relative weight. This results in an enriched population that is very X chromosome enriched. So if you really want a girl, modern medicine can reliably make that happen. It doesn't work as reliably to positive select for Y chromosome bearing sperm.
Quote from: dismalist on February 06, 2023, 05:31:03 PM
Why isn't there a market for this stuff? Auction the unwanted kids off to the highest bidder.
The difficulty is that we want our own children, made from our own genes, so we don't want to trade. Wishes differentiating between desirability of boys and girls may well lead to selective abortion. If the proportions aren't right, there'll be one hell of a lot of unhappy children.
This is not a plea for doing something for humanity. Rather, it's a plea to think of one's own childrens' interests as part of one's own.
And that's pretty easy: The natural ratio of male to female births is about 105 to 100, on account we males are so delicate. Just don't mess with it.
And males die at an increased rate all the way to the end. End? Not all of us XYs. My father was pure gold when widowed and in assisted living. He married two of the women there. Not all at once, of course. The last (he gave up at ninety-four) outlived him by a year or so.
Quote from: the_geneticist on February 06, 2023, 07:15:26 AM
It is potentially concerning. Would your SO be a devoted and loving parent to ALL of your children? Or would he show blatant favoritism if you had a boy and then a girl? Or what if you have a girl - is he going to be upset if you want a second child (girl = done)?
If you had a really difficult pregnancy (or delivery), would he support you if you said you can't go through that again?
Adoption is a long, expensive process. The more restrictions you have (age, race, gender, etc), the longer it takes.
You two need to be on the same page about how many kids, regardless of gender.
My grandmother had six living children, all of them were boys.
These are all really good points/questions. SO and I have had some conversations about them, and talked through different scenarios.
He absolutely would support me if, after Kid #1, I told him I couldn't handle having a second. I'm not outright against the idea of more than one kid. I just realize that how I feel about having more will have a lot to do with how we are handling the first. If we feel we are at or close to our limits in terms of time, health, and finances, then the first kid will probably stay the only kid.
SO says if that means we only have a boy (or boys), "I'll deal. I would still be happy to be a father, and I would still love them." I would just hope that any disappointment over not having a girl doesn't linger and lead to pining.
Quote from: Istiblennius on February 06, 2023, 08:14:39 AM
With my first, I (kind of) was hoping for a girl. Mostly because I am cis-female and was thinking about having the shared experience and ability to relate to my future child. I also spent far too much time doomscrolling on the rates of developmental delays in boys being higher. And then, firstborn was assigned male at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I am crazy about him. Two years later, all I wanted was another boy. And guess what... secondborn was assigned female at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I'm crazy about her. I do have to laugh at your SO thinking a girl might be easier. My experience has been the opposite, but every kid is different.
And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.
We've discussed this as well. SO says he would do his best to be understanding and supportive. Again, "I'll deal."
I try to keep reminding him that the kid in real-life may turn out drastically different from the kid in his fantasies, even if we do have a girl. Personally, I'm trying to have as few expectations as possible. Obviously, I hope they are healthy, but the kid we get is the kid we get, fantasies notwithstanding. We'll just have to roll with it.
But maybe I'm being too hard on him. It's pretty normal to fantasize about your future child, isn't it?
It seems totally normal to fantasize about a future child. I think its fine as long as you acknowledge it is just that - fantasizing. The truth is your approach about expectations tracks with kids - they'll be who they are and sometimes all you can do is love them.
I think that the disappointment, such as it is, will evaporate once the child is concrete. For us, that was while it was still gestating. But caring for a helpless thing tends to win you over to its side pretty quickly and thoroughly.
Edit: it would be nice if my phone did not automatically 'correct' 'its' to 'it's'.
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on February 08, 2023, 10:34:25 PM
I think that the disappointment, such as it is, will evaporate once the child is concrete. For us, that was while it was still gestating. But caring for a helpless thing tends to win you over to it's side pretty quickly and thoroughly.
Yeah, and the frustrations, disappointments and anxieties involved are also likely to come as a surprise. I suspect that your SO is anxious that he won't love a child enough, and he's fixating on gender as a way to focus that anxiety. Once a kid actually exists, you have a whole series of other things to worry about, and you get to do it with very little sleep or time to yourself. Loving the baby isn't usually the problem, its figuring out how to manage that love without trying to control everything as your life becomes divided into segments built around the random habits of a tiny human who is a ball of need and want.