Is this even a thing?
I guess it is...I realized it framed the way I was feeling at the end of last week when I saw that I couldn't give my much-loved students (i.e., and myself) a "Week off" until next week...and sort of quailed before the idea of continuing to do all I've/we've been doing for the past 5 months for even one more week without a break.
Just googled the term for the heck of it, and two other people had posted blogs with the same phrase as their title.
Maybe it's just a symptom of a sort-of depression, or maybe it's something else.
But I realized that I've been pretty much going non-stop since late January--when I broke my foot in two small places and was on crutches for six weeks, then a boot, for another six weeks, and am still fighting bitty-bits of adhesions here and there in my toes--besides the sudden conversion of all my students to online--which I've ended up enjoying--and added two more classes, which I've also enjoyed--and doing my usual EA stuff online--instead of meeting at the cool library where I could also get my research and writing done afterwards...and...and...and.
I've noted, too, in places like the "New Yorker's" music and dance reviews, how many organizations took up the challenge right away to do online conversions to keep their cultural conversations going. I keep finding more church websites with online services.
The historical societies and museums and libraries whose email lists I'm on have likewise been amazingly nimble in transferring their missions to a different medium and keeping their clientele aware of their existence (and sending donations); schools--as we keep saying, here--and tutors and other organizations have likewise been on top of the curve wherever possible, and I've been proud to see how well so many folks have taken the need to make change and live that change fast, just to keep going.
But I just sort of bumped into the locomotive of fatigue going the other direction on the tracks with all the force that that head-of-steam-of-courage was propeling me with, and this weekend, and
sat back and said,
"oof."
The blogs I saw recommended more walks, quiet reading, music--I'll do those, for sure--but it struck me that maybe that's a part of what's also hard about this new school year starting up, is that none of us have really had a chance to rebuild our margins from the last go, and here comes the next one.
So....anyone else?
How has it hit you? (Or has it)?
What are you doing, specifically and additionally, if possible, to help your own self take in and deal with all you've been asked to do, or have had to ask yourself to do?
I pondered putting this on the depression thread, but it feels a bit different--or maybe it's colliding, like those two hurricanes, with depressions already underway, in peoples' systems?
Anyway, just...please be gentle.
This is not a thread for expostulating, we have enough of those.
It's more in the vein of the "quiet room" threads where people can offer healing and care to each other.
M.
Definitely.
I don't feel terribly courageous being as we leave the house as seldom as possible and I am now doing all my teaching from the safety of my upstairs office while all sorts of front-line health workers and necessary people face down this damn pandemic...
...but I am definitely feeling the strain of being optimistic, or at least as optimistic as possible. I've found that I've lost a lot of my teaching persona over Zoom (which crashed today before my first class) and that exercises which are routine for me are now a whole new, not entirely favorable experience.
I just hope this is over----somehow, by some medical miracle----by this summer.
I wouldn't call what I feel courage fatigue, but I'm definitely running out of will power earlier and earlier every day. Breaks aren't all that refreshing and I've hit the 'I'm going to go sit by myself in a room and no one is to bother me for the next hour unless the house is literally on fire' limit more than once per week in the past month.
Quote from: mamselle on August 24, 2020, 04:14:25 PM
What are you doing, specifically and additionally, if possible, to help your own self take in and deal with all you've been asked to do, or have had to ask yourself to do?
I agreed to teach an overload. [
sigh]
But at least I still have my job. Knowing there are people worse off than I am doesn't really help much with what you are talking about, but it keeps me going.
Quote from: polly_mer on August 24, 2020, 04:57:58 PM
I wouldn't call what I feel courage fatigue, but I'm definitely running out of will power earlier and earlier every day. Breaks aren't all that refreshing and I've hit the 'I'm going to go sit by myself in a room and no one is to bother me for the next hour unless the house is literally on fire' limit more than once per week in the past month.
Yes, that's something like what I feel like over the weekend, when it takes me longer and longer to stop just watching mindless videos and get started on the prep I need to do for the next week.
Maybe I need to plan longer and more frequent breaks than I have been.
I have been going to bed sooner and getting up to take quiet walks in the very early AM.
The self-care thing usually takes care of itself, but the depth of the demands seem different now.
I hope your longer breaks are honored!
M.
Even though it be only pt, this retail 'essential worker' job I got has not gone away, and if I spent too much time thinking about what *could* happen there, I would not make it. I confess that the level of stress has substantially increased on this job, but being single, childless, etc,, having lived alone for the vast majority of my adult life, I am just having to muddle along, almost as usual.
QuoteQuote, but being single, childless, etc,, having lived alone for the vast majority of my adult life, I am just having to muddle along, almost as usual.
Yes, I almost envy my crotchety old landlord and his wife the luxury of having each other to argue with all the time.
M.
Quote from: mamselle on August 24, 2020, 06:48:24 PM
QuoteQuote, but being single, childless, etc,, having lived alone for the vast majority of my adult life, I am just having to muddle along, almost as usual.
Yes, I almost envy my crotchety old landlord and his wife the luxury of having each other to argue with all the time.
M.
After months of all day, every day enforced togetherness, I'd be willing trade for people who have different annoying habits or at least a willingness to discuss something else.
That's what the Forum's for....
;--}
M.
Quote from: mamselle on August 24, 2020, 09:53:04 PM
That's what the Forum's for....
;--}
M.
The fora could be good for arguing something else.
The fora does not replace out parking in my living room (the only room in the house with air-conditioning and we've been over 90 every day for almost a month) streaming the crappiest songs on Pandora (yes, sure, bagpipes are interesting as part of the mix; they're done in my mind after about 10 minutes) and taking up the TV with a boring-to-watch building activity for 6+ hours every day.
Yes, I have to work and am not available for many joint activities during the day. However, it'd be nice to be able to have a break in the cool with something pleasant going on in the background instead of that annoyance. However, it's also unreasonable to say, you should be parked in a hot room doing something else for most of the day so the good room is free when I decide to have a break.
This sounds like burnout to me. I've been feeling it a bit, but also doing extra things to rest so that I don't start my school year already exhausted. I also wasn't teaching this past spring or over the summer, which I'm sure is helping with my reserves. Here are some things I've been doing:
- My university is now allowing faculty to use their offices, which is a big help for me. Working from there helps me feel normal, and having separation between work and home helps me rest at the end of the day.
- I don't work on Sundays. That's been the case for many years but is certainly helpful now as well.
- My husband and I spent more together-time this past weekend than we have in a bit (like, talking and playing games and stuff, not just existing in the same space). We are also going away for a long weekend in a couple of days.
- I've been running outside 3-4 times a week since my gym closed. I don't like running at all, but I enjoy how my body feels afterward, and I like being outside when the weather is okay. (Now counts as okay. Mid-March was a struggle, and I'm not sure what I'll do in the dead of winter, but now is nice.)
- Lots of baths. Lots of reading for pleasure. Often at the same time.
- Going for walks with friends (and with masks), and talking with other friends on the phone.
- Working toward change, like, in a different thread I talked about writing postcards to encourage people to vote. It almost didn't occur to me to put this on the list because it isn't "rest" the way people usually think about that word. But it does help to do something to fight the conditions that create badness in the first place. In a way this is the most important thing on this list - at one point I read research showing that people who engaged in self-soothing activities like those listed above didn't work for political change because the self-soothing activities helped them feel better, and once they felt better they didn't see the need to do anything else. But political change is what is actually needed at a broader societal level to help with many of the things that bother me, at least.
Maybe some of these things may be helpful for others, as well?
There's been a lot of interest in nursing scholarship and in some psychology in the idea of moral fatigue. Not surprisingly, people have been suggesting it is relevant to the experience of living in a pandemic too.
Burnout, cabin fever, call it what you will. I'm more frequently saying "no" or just not responding to requests that I commit time and effort to things that are just not that important. Or just winging it instead of doing all sorts of preparation beforehand. Not carrying around these mental burdens makes me feel better. Also since the pandemic makes aikido training a very bad idea, I've switched to yoga classes at home via Zoom. I spent about six hours total over the last week clearing weeds and moss from a brick walkway at home. Watering plants at dusk takes about an hour once or twice a week. For these activities, I don't have to think about anything other than the task at hand, which I like.
The idea of moral fatigue is interesting...are there any articles you could recommend? (Not to make it another 'worky' thing I have to do, but to understand myself, better, too.)
One blog I saw spoke of courage as a skill, or a talent, maybe, that took work to develop, or needed some kind of applied attention in order to experience growth in it. In some ways that seemed odd, but in others--as a musician, for example--it made sense.
It would explain in one way how it can become depleted: if I don't run scales or do plies on a regular basis, I don't play or dance with as much engagement, overall.
Again, not trying to make it a "works" thing, but to understand.
And yes to Sundays. Occasionally I've had things I had to do on a Sunday, but in fact the non-profit I work for broadly encourages people of various faiths to observe their holy days--Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or some other--more fully.
So my Sundays are usually fully time-off....what I'm seeing is that, if I don't teach or have meetings until Tuesdays, say, I'm wanting to stay in "Sunday mode" longer and longer, into Monday....which won't work when I need things done by the end of the week that have to get started then!
I hadn't made the connection with courage, per se, though.
These are helpful...it's good to see others finding ways towards restoration as well. I used to be able to garden where I lived, that was indeed restorative, to get lost in the green plants' needs and forget my own for a bit.
M.
Quote from: mamselle on August 25, 2020, 08:12:26 AM
The idea of moral fatigue is interesting...are there any articles you could recommend? (Not to make it another 'worky' thing I have to do, but to understand myself, better, too.)
One blog I saw spoke of courage as a skill, or a talent, maybe, that took work to develop, or needed some kind of applied attention in order to experience growth in it. In some ways that seemed odd, but in others--as a musician, for example--it made sense.
It would explain in one way how it can become depleted: if I don't run scales or do plies on a regular basis, I don't play or dance with as much engagement, overall.
Again, not trying to make it a "works" thing, but to understand.
And yes to Sundays. Occasionally I've had things I had to do on a Sunday, but in fact the non-profit I work for broadly encourages people of various faiths to observe their holy days--Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or some other--more fully.
So my Sundays are usually fully time-off....what I'm seeing is that, if I don't teach or have meetings until Tuesdays, say, I'm wanting to stay in "Sunday mode" longer and longer, into Monday....which won't work when I need things done by the end of the week that have to get started then!
I hadn't made the connection with courage, per se, though.
These are helpful...it's good to see others finding ways towards restoration as well. I used to be able to garden where I lived, that was indeed restorative, to get lost in the green plants' needs and forget my own for a bit.
M.
Wanting to be able to spend more time in Sunday rest mode is a good way to describe what I've been experiencing. Actually I can still go in to work feeling ready to go most days. But I seem to run out of gas so easily. What polly said above about running out willpower earlier in the day than before.
It's especially a problem when I need to do something outside of my normal routine--which in my job I have to do rather often. I find myself shrinking from these tasks, and trying to put them off. I've always had procrastination tendencies. They've gotten worse in recent months. Just today I've been grappling with a non-urgent but necessary task that I've put off for an embarrassingly long time. It's not something that should be terribly difficult, but it's something unfamiliar that makes it necessary for me to ask questions that I feel foolish asking. It's like I form mental blocks of dread around a task that become harder and harder to overcome, until I finally do.
I haven't actually been too worried about getting sick, though I've been taking precautions to avoid unwittingly contributing to the spread of the virus. And I haven't been depressed lately--I seem to be past that now. Episodes of this do feel as debilitating as being depressed, just with the fear and anxiety focused on the dreaded task, not on life in general.
Sounds like there's an awful lot of mental exhaustion going around due to prolonged stress and uncertainty. I don't know of any solutions to it except for prayer and getting the best rest possible.
Quote from: mamselle on August 25, 2020, 08:12:26 AM
The idea of moral fatigue is interesting...are there any articles you could recommend? (Not to make it another 'worky' thing I have to do, but to understand myself, better, too.)
Moral fatigue is also known as moral distress, and is especially relevant to nursing when nurses are put in positions of treating patients in ways that they regard as wrong, or when they can only provide substandard care for patients because of understaffing or similar problems. There are a bunch of articles about it here (https://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/toc/2017/02001).
Thanks.
I didn't know to call it that, but definitely saw it in a couple of cases when working as a unit coordinator in a hospital, long ago.
One nurse, assigned to the four beds at the far end of the hall, with highly needy patients and a snippy nurse-neighbor in the ward next to hers, who could never see her way clear to being kind or helping others, especially, comes to mind.
Thinking of it now, maybe the snippy nurse was just in a more advanced phase of the same malaise.
Maybe we were all too quick to judge her at the time, too...
M.
I feel very, very tired. Both physically and mentally. Switching to online, etc actually increased my workload (if I want to keep my job, at any rate). Being cooped up drives my stress levels up, and I have family reasons to feel exhausted too. Then there's the pandemic itself - where I am, picture a situation that is probably Queens-in-April bad (but with a lot less testing) but with widespread Masque of the Red Death levels of denial and callousness.
I'm a little better this afternoon, after teaching my first two LVL classes (which I thought I would heartily dislike, but they went OK). Last week, though, I was completely wiped out.
In fact, I completely took off the first two weeks of August, and most of last week as well. Last week was packed with Service Week meetings, some of which reinforced some serious problems with a class I'm teaching, and instead of buckling down and getting that class ready to go, I ended up putting it off and waiting until the weekend to push through it all.
I still have a lit class that made unexpectedly at the last minute--I'm glad for the overload, and it's my area, so I love teaching it. Still, I don't have the syllabus or schedule done for it yet, because I've always taught it in an online 8-week format, so I have to tweak deadlines and copy over materials. None of it is a major problem, but I just can't bring myself to get it done. I have materials and assignments ready for the first three weeks, and we met LVL this morning and students are OK with the way things stand, but I still wish I'd gotten it done.
I did get some crocheting done on my self-declared vacation, but even that was left sitting for long stretches. Like many other here, I'm just flat out exhausted. I hope things will get better as I get into the rhythm imposed by the TR class meetings on Zoom.
I filled my Pez dispenser with Ativan. Living better through chemistry.
I have a bit of crisis fatigue. How can so many things be a crisis, requiring an urgent response, every day for 5 months? I feel like even my cancer center doesn't respond with as much urgency as is expected of me.
Not to mention weighing these demands up against personal struggles, including parents who bought into some kind of up-front lump sum retirement community that is having major structural issues with the building my parents are living in. My parents feel like it entitles them to move out because they're afraid of it collapsing. The management is not offering any solution as of yet.
Walking and breathing do help a lot - bring me back to a place that is not fueled by adrenaline. In the end, you can only do so much.
Edited to add: I did tap into a Brooklyn Lager tonight - did not make it to the weekend.
Quote from: alto_stratus on August 25, 2020, 03:16:48 PM
I have a bit of crisis fatigue. How can so many things be a crisis, requiring an urgent response, every day for 5 months? I feel like even my cancer center doesn't respond with as much urgency as is expected of me.
Yep and it's accelerating where I am because we've started the retirement wave without sufficient new hires. Thus, we're trying to do knowledge capture, all the activities to hire in droves, and still meet all the current deliverables while under strict orders about what can be done from home and very limited access to specialized equipment.
I just finished the two-hour online folk dance I missed last week.
Much better--happily exhausted in a good way.
Maybe that's what made last week so hard...I didn't go dancing!
I'm not saying that will solve all problems, I know it won't.
But the endorphins do help...
M.