What do you get when you cross a squid with a pear?
A square.
(Feel free to share your own bad puns and dad jokes.)
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain goat?
Don't be silly, you can't cross a vector with a scalar!
(I am hoping bad math jokes are allowed)
(Say this out loud)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
Quote from: scamp on December 18, 2019, 09:22:26 AM
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain goat?
Don't be silly, you can't cross a vector with a scalar!
(I am hoping bad math jokes are allowed)
All bad jokes are not only allowed but encouraged.
My all-time favorite...
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
How can you tell if a joke is a Dad joke?
Because the punchline's a parent...
Quote from: Kron3007 on December 18, 2019, 11:19:50 AM
How can you tell if a joke is a Dad joke?
Because the punchline's a parent...
My best friend in high school collected t-shirts that set up jokes. (That's a narrow category of t-shirts, but still he collected them.) His favorite simply had the letters "D D A" on the front. When people asked what that meant, he'd say, "When you rearrange the letters the answer is apparent."
(You saw that coming, didn't you.)
For the 4- 6 year old crowd:
If you make a cow laugh really hard will milk come out of her nose?
A woman is on trial for beating her husband with an electric guitar. The judge: "First time offender?" She: "No, first time a Gibson."
where do horses stay when they visit a hotel?
The Bridle Suite (of course, of course)
Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink a cup of coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?
What does a cat read on the toilet?
Litterature!
Yay! Post more -- I feel my supply is running low. (I'm a dad of two kids and they still think dad jokes are funny.)
Quote from: scamp on December 18, 2019, 09:22:26 AM
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain goat?
Don't be silly, you can't cross a vector with a scalar!
(I am hoping bad math jokes are allowed)
I'm not sure whether I should groan or share this. Maybe both ;-)
Why was Fauci's first pitch so far off base?
It's Fauci's job to prevent anyone from catching it.
What's red and isn't there?
No tomatoes.
I dun tole that ol' pharmacist fella that fer all the good them dang suppositers done, I could just as well shoved 'em up my heinie.
Some of you on here need this Dilbert. You know who you are.
https://dilbert.com/strip/2020-07-23
For the Francophiles in the crowd:
What happened to the three French cats on the Titanic?
Un, deux, trois cat sank.
Alas, my favourite might be a bit blue for the forum. It's the ocelot joke.
Tres six.
M.
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on July 28, 2020, 08:24:21 AM
For the Francophiles in the crowd:
What happened to the three French cats on the Titanic?
Un, deux, trois cat sank.
Alas, my favourite might be a bit blue for the forum. It's the ocelot joke.
Ugh...
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dick-tater
This is a literal Dad joke; my father told it.
Do you know why it is that when you see a flock of geese flying overhead, one side of the V will be longer than the other?
It's because...
there are more geese.
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on July 28, 2020, 08:24:21 AM
For the Francophiles in the crowd:
What happened to the three French cats on the Titanic?
Un, deux, trois cat sank.
Alas, my favourite might be a bit blue for the forum. It's the ocelot joke.
One of my favorites! Except the version I learned was about kittens crossing the Seine. (We were in Paris last summer and my daughter -- Anglophone, like me, but in French immersion -- was crossing a bridge over the Seine and looked at me and said, "Oh,
now I get it!")
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
A caption under a picture of a young, wet owl sitting in a bath: Moist Owlet.
A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!".
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on July 28, 2020, 08:24:21 AM
For the Francophiles in the crowd:
What happened to the three French cats on the Titanic?
Un, deux, trois cat sank.
My dad likes the one about the Spanish Magician. He said "uno.... dos...." then disappeared without a trace.
A pirate captain was afraid his ship would be stolen when he went out, so he put the steering wheel in his pants, and he awkwardly waddled towards the bar.
He staggers into the pub and his mates say, "Arrrgggghhh! Captain Bob, ye have ye helm in ye pants!"
The captain replies, "Ay, me mateys. It's a drivin' me nuts!"
[Don't forget to tip your server . . . ]
Quote from: RatGuy on November 09, 2020, 09:37:08 AM
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on July 28, 2020, 08:24:21 AM
For the Francophiles in the crowd:
What happened to the three French cats on the Titanic?
Un, deux, trois cat sank.
My dad likes the one about the Spanish Magician. He said "uno.... dos...." then disappeared without a trace.
Hehehe. I use that one as an example all the time in one of my classes. :)
Did you hear about the pirate who went to alpha centauri and spent more than 4 years at c?
Quote from: Cheerful on November 09, 2020, 06:47:27 AM
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
I really like this one!
Mr. Larimar is the author of this one, and I use it in class on grammar day:
Some conjunctions walk into a bar.
The bartender stops them and says, "You guys have to leave. We don't serve conjunctions here."
The conjunctions protest, "What? We're not going to cause any trouble! We just want to have a drink and hang out for a while!"
The bartender shakes his head. "Nope. We don't serve conjunctions. You guys need to get out of here now. No ifs, ands, or buts."
Larimar
Quote from: Larimar on November 09, 2020, 10:35:12 AM
Mr. Larimar is the author of this one, and I use it in class on grammar day:
Some conjunctions walk into a bar.
The bartender stops them and says, "You guys have to leave. We don't serve conjunctions here."
The conjunctions protest, "What? We're not going to cause any trouble! We just want to have a drink and hang out for a while!"
The bartender shakes his head. "Nope. We don't serve conjunctions. You guys need to get out of here now. No ifs, ands, or buts."
Larimar
In that vein;
Two ropes walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve ropes here, get out!"
The ropes dejectedly leave the bar but then one rope turns to the other and says, "I've got a great idea, tie me together and pull apart my ends!"
The rope walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the rope I just told to get out?"
The rope says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
Thanks for reviving this thread! I don't have any jokes, but my six-year-old has begun making terrible/excellent puns and explaining (with all the earnestness a six-year-old can muster), "That was a dad joke."
My heart swells with pride.
When I was little, a family joke would go:
Q: What goes 'ha ha ha thump'?
A: A man laughing his head off.
Five-year-old Ergative wanted to get in on the action, and reimagined it as follows:
Q: What goes 'ha ha ha thump'?
A: A man laughing his pumpkins off the table.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "Barkeep, I'll have a ......
.......
........ beer."
The barkeep says, "Why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I was born with 'em".
I invested a lot of money into an origami business, but it folded.
I am confused because the title of this thread includes the phrase "bad puns," but I am looking around and I only see glorious, amazing puns. What is this "bad puns" of which you speak?
Here is one of my favorite jokes of all time:
Where did George Washington put his armies?
In his sleevies.
Here's one that I read recently in a novel as, I think, an example to illustrate that the character doesn't tell good jokes. But this joke is also glorious:
What do you call twins before they are born?
Womb mates!
From the comment area on a bad YouTube video:
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender says 'sure...olive or twist?'
This one was on TV this week:
Who was the greatest footwear philosopher of all time?
Sockrates
Quote from: nonsensical on December 01, 2020, 03:31:52 AM
I am confused because the title of this thread includes the phrase "bad puns," but I am looking around and I only see glorious, amazing puns. What is this "bad puns" of which you speak?
My very perceptive six-year-old explained to me, "All dad jokes are bad jokes, but bad is good, so they're really good bad jokes. Or good bad dad jokes." I mean, he's not wrong.
Here's his latest attempt -- two things are clear. He understands the structure of the joke, and scatological humor always works:
Six-year-old: Hey, dad, what do you get when you combine a poop and a toot?
Me (pre-emptively cringing): I don't know. What
do you get when you combine a poop and a toot?
Six-year-old: A poot!
I'm not exactly sure what that means, but he might still be laughing, days later.
Two atoms are having a conversation:
-Ouch! I lost an electron!
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I'm positive.
I was downtown when a bum asked for a handout. I was all set to give him couple dollars, then caught myself. I said 'wait a minute. How do I know you won't spend this on food?'
I went to see a new rom-com last night. It's a story about a Sasquatch flight attendant who falls in love with a heroic pilot. It's called When Hairy Met Sully.
Quote from: secundem_artem on February 04, 2021, 09:46:56 AM
I went to see a new rom-com last night. It's a story about a Sasquatch flight attendant who falls in love with a heroic pilot. It's called When Hairy Met Sully.
Ha!
Quote from: secundem_artem on February 04, 2021, 09:46:56 AM
I went to see a new rom-com last night. It's a story about a Sasquatch flight attendant who falls in love with a heroic pilot. It's called When Hairy Met Sully.
The plot sounds like a Chuck Tingle story.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. Such a nice jester!
In memory of my aunt (she really got me with these growing up):
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backward?
A receding hare line.
A man who got shot out of a cannon gave the circus manager his notice, he'd be leaving in two weeks. The manager responded 'good luck to you. I don't know where we'll find another man of your caliber.'
My son kept trying to stick a fork in the electrical outlet, so I grounded him. [rim shot!]
Do Bedouins tell flap flap jokes?
Why dont pirates shower before walking the plank???
They figure that they will wash up on shore later.
Reviving to respond to a different thread:
Smoking causes cancer.
Bacon causes cancer.
But smoking bacon cures it.
I know only one bad pun about paper. It's tearable.
What to you call bears without ears?
B.
What's a Christian's favourite kind of literature?
Cruci-fiction!
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on December 04, 2021, 09:51:25 AM
What's a Christian's favourite kind of literature?
Cruci-fiction!
Out of curiosity -- have you found the quality of your dad jokes has improved since the arrival of your hatchling? Certainly upped my game when I had kids.
Quote from: traductio on December 04, 2021, 11:03:36 AM
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on December 04, 2021, 09:51:25 AM
What's a Christian's favourite kind of literature?
Cruci-fiction!
Out of curiosity -- have you found the quality of your dad jokes has improved since the arrival of your hatchling? Certainly upped my game when I had kids.
I woodnut say the koalaty had imp-roofed, as such...
At least, not yet. I think I need a better audience.
What did Lamb Chop say when Shari Lewis died?
Inspired by the "calendar software question" thread:
I worked at a calendar factory for a while, but they fired me because I missed a couple of days.
Fishbrains, that's brilliant.
My contribution is: "how much Santa pay to Park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."
Black-eyes peas can sing us a song, but chickpeas can only hum us one.
Science has proven that if your parents did not have any children, neither will you.
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam!
Why couldn't the chameleon change colours?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
There are about 20 or so here:
https://youtu.be/klKioyqGg_0
(Some are better than others....)
M.
Quote from: secundem_artem on July 27, 2020, 08:48:20 PM
I dun tole that ol' pharmacist fella that fer all the good them dang suppositers done, I could just as well shoved 'em up my heinie.
Many apologies to secundum_artem for this very delayed reply to your joke, but I've just seen it. It reminds me very much of one that I think I read in a David Lodge novel years ago (though I think there it might have had a little narrative but I can only recall the pun at its center):
In the faulty hearing of secundum_artem's troubled patient, what multi-syllabic word caused all of the confusion in the Italian pharmacist's instructions?
Patient: "How do I use these things?"
Farmacista: "You put them innuendo."
(Say the joke out loud so you can understand it.)
How does NASA make a party?
They plan-it.
Quote from: latico on February 21, 2022, 04:57:13 PM
Quote from: secundem_artem on July 27, 2020, 08:48:20 PM
I dun tole that ol' pharmacist fella that fer all the good them dang suppositers done, I could just as well shoved 'em up my heinie.
Many apologies to secundum_artem for this very delayed reply to your joke, but I've just seen it. It reminds me very much of one that I think I read in a David Lodge novel years ago (though I think there it might have had a little narrative but I can only recall the pun at its center):
In the faulty hearing of secundum_artem's troubled patient, what multi-syllabic word caused all of the confusion in the Italian pharmacist's instructions?
Patient: "How do I use these things?"
Farmacista: "You put them innuendo."
The pharmacist was educating his patient on the use of Viagra.
"Make sure you swallow it really fast" he advised.
"Why?"
"Because otherwise you'll get a stiff neck."
Seen recently on BoredPanda, from a cross-examination of an expert witness:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
[My own father tells jokes like this.]
Like^
That's called thinking fast on your feet....or in your seat.
M.
Which radio station do pirates listen to?
N P Arrrrgh!
Three moles were traveling through their underground tunnel.
The first mole said, "I smell sugar."
The second mole said, "I smell cinnamon."
The third mole said, "I smell molasses."
--
DON'T blame me--ALHS just told me this one.
From BoredPanda.com, recently:
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Man: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is! [walks away to put in the order]
Also from bored Panda:
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for next Tuesday.
Quote from: secundem_artem on July 14, 2022, 08:27:38 AM
Also from bored Panda:
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for next Tuesday.
Hey, fellow lover of dad jokes! :waves:
:admires the way in which your tag line supports the topic of your post:
Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?
Because b-shells are too small.