How Do People Decide to Have Kids?

[apl68]

I feel utterly indifferent as to whether a kid shares my genes and is of my body, but I do want to love and care for a kid. However, I only want to be a parent if I can be a good one. What I want is secondary to what the kid needs. I don't want a kid to suffer because I rushed into something I wasn't prepared to do well.

There are no perfect mothers or fathers. What matters is that you try. You want to love and care for a child, and you are willing to put their needs first. That sounds like a recipe for successful parenthood to me. Trust yourself.

Love and care are what any child needs.  The desire to commit to giving these things of oneself is one of the noblest motives that anybody can have.

[Parasaurolophus]

Also FWIW, since I didn't say it earlier: in addition to being ambivalent about having children, I had no prior interest in children. They tend to like me, for reasons unknown, but I've always been pretty awkward with them, and had no real interest in playing with them, looking after them, etc.

That's still true, except that I'm not at all awkward with the hatchling,* and I enjoy playing with him.




*It's by definition impossible, because I'm (and the Maiasaurus, obviously) all he knows.

[Caracal]

I think these are key questions that I'm struggling with. I think SO is so much less scared of this decision than I am because he currently has more energy reserves than I do. He talks about feeling something missing in his life, that he needs more than work and cats and me. I feel like work and cats and him keep my hands pretty full already; I'm scared I won't be able to handle much more. We've talked about me being a stay-at-home parent so I can focus fully on childcare, but I don't know how sustainable that would be.

Kids just carve out the time and emotional energy and you have less time for all the rest. There are good and bad things about that. It is often overwhelming to have this person around to take care of and manage all the time, but on the other hand, you do tend to put less emotional energy and time into things like work-at least that's my experience.

I would think long and hard before deciding to be a stay at home parent. My wife makes a lot more than I do-and there was a moment before the kid was born when I thought "I barely make enough money to cover daycare, maybe it would make more sense for me to just stay home with the kid." Once he was actually born, I realized immediately that I would lose my mind as a stay at home parent. I'm an involved parent, but I need time and space where there's not a child around all the time.

[the_geneticist]

I think these are key questions that I'm struggling with. I think SO is so much less scared of this decision than I am because he currently has more energy reserves than I do. He talks about feeling something missing in his life, that he needs more than work and cats and me. I feel like work and cats and him keep my hands pretty full already; I'm scared I won't be able to handle much more. We've talked about me being a stay-at-home parent so I can focus fully on childcare, but I don't know how sustainable that would be.

Does your SO have any hobbies? friends? religious organizations or other clubs? family he's close with? volunteer for anything?

You cannot be his *everything* outside of work and your cats. 

If HE wanted to be a stay-at-home parent, then I'd be more inclined to support his side.  Ironically, it's easy to find other adults to socialize with if you stay home with small children - walking groups! story hour! baby & me swim classes!

[Parasaurolophus]

I think these are key questions that I'm struggling with. I think SO is so much less scared of this decision than I am because he currently has more energy reserves than I do. He talks about feeling something missing in his life, that he needs more than work and cats and me. I feel like work and cats and him keep my hands pretty full already; I'm scared I won't be able to handle much more. We've talked about me being a stay-at-home parent so I can focus fully on childcare, but I don't know how sustainable that would be.

Does your SO have any hobbies? friends? religious organizations or other clubs? family he's close with? volunteer for anything?

You cannot be his *everything* outside of work and your cats. 

If HE wanted to be a stay-at-home parent, then I'd be more inclined to support his side.  Ironically, it's easy to find other adults to socialize with if you stay home with small children - walking groups! story hour! baby & me swim classes!

Yeah, we know loads of people now that we have a hatchling, and we met them all through hatchling-focused activities. We went from knowing nobody at all after years here to knowing dozens in just a couple of years.

I'm pretty much the only male partner who's ever around, though. That suits me fine because I'm especially bad at socializing with men, but it also seems kind of sad.

[smallcleanrat]

I think these are key questions that I'm struggling with. I think SO is so much less scared of this decision than I am because he currently has more energy reserves than I do. He talks about feeling something missing in his life, that he needs more than work and cats and me. I feel like work and cats and him keep my hands pretty full already; I'm scared I won't be able to handle much more. We've talked about me being a stay-at-home parent so I can focus fully on childcare, but I don't know how sustainable that would be.

Does your SO have any hobbies? friends? religious organizations or other clubs? family he's close with? volunteer for anything?

You cannot be his *everything* outside of work and your cats. 

If HE wanted to be a stay-at-home parent, then I'd be more inclined to support his side.  Ironically, it's easy to find other adults to socialize with if you stay home with small children - walking groups! story hour! baby & me swim classes!

He has hobbies, friends, volunteer work and family. Truthfully, he's got a much fuller, more balanced life than I've managed to make for myself. But he seems to specifically need a kid for his life to feel complete. If I decide I definitely don't want to go through with having kids, he says he'll go it alone through adoption or egg donation as a single parent. We're on the older side for new parents, so I understand his reluctance to wait much longer, but I'm scared.

It's not that I don't want kids, it's that my bar for feeling ready seems to be much higher than his. Among other things, I have bipolar disorder. It's fairly well-controlled with medication currently, but I'm asking myself how I can possibly guarantee I'll maintain this level of stability for the two decades it takes to raise a child. If I do have an episode, can SO and I adequately protect our kid from being affected? SO thinks we'll work out problems as they arise. I think we need to consider these things upfront.

[dismalist]

... for the two decades it takes to raise a child.

It does not take two decades to raise a child! Children can dress and undress themselves by around the age of three. They can be as independent as one likes, or they like, from about age five.

While the earliest years of child raising are on average best provided by the mother [Law of Comparative Advantage], the father can do lots of things without danger of breaking the child. Later on, the father can do much more. For example, this soccer mom stuff we never indulged in, but I did drive child to school, to orchestra, and so on. And of course I cooked and cleaned -- for everybody.

I have to say that we lived in a neighborhood that was relatively civilized, so we could let our daughter run around outside without supervision and she could learn to take care of herself more. When she turned 16 we got her a car and she drove to High School herself.

I don't wish to convince anyone to have or not to have children. Aside from conveying a bit of realism, I merely don't want anyone to forget that raising a child is fun!

[Antiphon1]

raising a child is fun!

Damn straight.  Children remind us that we once upon a time took great joy in the simplest acts.  It's humbling and refreshing to be reminded that we can enjoy absurdity and realism simultaneously without any contradiction at all.  Being in the moment is a gift. 

[Parasaurolophus]

We're on the older side for new parents, so I understand his reluctance to wait much longer, but I'm scared.

FWIW, my partner was 36 when she gave birth (I was 34) two years ago (my mother was 28, hers, 36). Since then, most of the people with kids we've met (and it's a fair few, as I run a weekly parent-and-child singalong) are around our age. Most of them are/were new parents, too.

We're happy to have waited as long as we did. No regrets. It would have bee fine to wait longer, too.