How Do People Decide to Have Kids?

[smallcleanrat]

I'm wondering how you can know when you're ready, but also...why do people want to have kids in the first place?

Should there be reasons beyond a gut-level want? Are there good and bad reasons?

Some of the reasons people have given me for their desire to have kids strike me as concerning. Things like wanting a sense of purpose or fulfillment...isn't that a lot of pressure to put on a kid? My mom seems to have had that expectation and she would frequently blame me for her unhappiness because I failed to provide those things. She's told me raising me "wasn't worth it."

The clearest want I can distinguish in myself is for the parent-child bond. I want to have that loving connection. But I worry this is just another form of putting expectations on a kid. It's my job to love the kid. It's not the kid's job to make me feel loved.

SO says he wants the "experiences" of parenthood. He likes to think about all the "Hallmark" moments he'll get to have with a kid. I can understand that.

He also says he wants a little piece of himself to live on after he's gone. I understand this less.

Are any or all of these reasons fine? Should they be sufficient?

[dismalist]

I was in my late 20's when the desire to have children overtook me. It was not conscious at first. I just noticed that at parties I would get onto the floor and play with any small children around. I eventually inferred I wanted to have children! It was all  internal and emotional, only marginally conscious.

A further step, an important one, was the realization that a woman was necessary to produce children! So I was open only to a woman who also wanted children. That, too, was intuited rather than conscious, and not discussed and verbally agreed until, well, much later.

I never had any conditions attached to this, nor did my wife. We had a healthy daughter and that made us very happy.

[Parasaurolophus]

Reasons are always good or bad (or both or neither). But what matters, really, is the how, rather than the why.

IMO reasons matter mostly because planned families are more desirable than unplanned ones. And reasons give you the motive force to get busy and make a child. But once that's done, they don't have much more work to do.

What matters is how you parent. (Forget about the 'parenting styles' rabbit hole, just pick and choose what seems right, after careful reflection.) And an important corollary is having adequate support and resources. The child-bearing parent will be out of commission for a while after the birth, even if there are no complications. And even if you could go back to work and life as usual immediately, that's not actually very desirable.

[marshwiggle]

Reasons are always good or bad (or both or neither). But what matters, really, is the how, rather than the why.

IMO reasons matter mostly because planned families are more desirable than unplanned ones. And reasons give you the motive force to get busy and make a child. But once that's done, they don't have much more work to do.

What matters is how you parent. (Forget about the 'parenting styles' rabbit hole, just pick and choose what seems right, after careful reflection.) And an important corollary is having adequate support and resources. The child-bearing parent will be out of commission for a while after the birth, even if there are no complications. And even if you could go back to work and life as usual immediately, that's not actually very desirable.

And once you have a child, your life will be changed FOREVER. That's fine if you're prepared for it. Some people think a kid is like a pet. Not remotely.

[Kron3007]

For me, it was right around the time my GF told me she was pregnant...

While our first was not planned, both of us had always just known we wanted children one day.  I guess for some people (like us), it is just always in the life plan.  We now have three (the other two were more planned).

Our first came when I was a PhD student.  In my mind, I would have waited to be in a more stable position, but if you wait for the perfect time it may just never come so it was a blessing in the end. 

[jerseyjay]

This question can be approached in two ways. One as a sociological question: how do people decide to have children. The other is a personal decision: should I (or the OP) have kids.

I am not a sociologist, but I assume there is research on the first aspect. It would seem to me to be divided by class, ethnicity/race, gender, and other factors. Many professionals (i.e., members of the educated middle class) I know have this idea of being "ready" to have children, including financially, emotionally, etc. I think as a result many professionals are now having kids later than was once the norm. But I think that many "normal" people don't really think about it that way. Many people I know had children when they had children, including at times when I wouldn't have advised it had I been asked (which I wasn't, so I shut up).

I think that for many people, children are expected and seen as good, so it is not a question of "deciding". This is not to say that many non-professional people do not practice birth control and do other things to prevent pregnancy or childbirth, but that they do not fixate on when to have children in the same way that many professionals I know do. Nor, once they have children, do they fixate on "how" to raise children the same way that many professionals do.  Not having children, rather than the default, for most people would have to be the decision that would need to be justified in the way the OP asks.

I must admit that a large portion of this thinking comes from discussions with my wife and her family (who are not professionals), who have a very different attitude towards children than I have. When I told my wife that I didn't want to have a child until I had financial stability (I was an adjunct when we got married) she thought it was the strangest thing. Many of her friends and relatives have had children in situations that, frankly, scare me (in severe financial or legal stress, for example) but again, nobody asks so I don't give my opinion. The only times my wife has indicated that she thinks that having a child was a bad idea was in the case of a 15-year girl and somebody whose partner was abusive. Both women, however, decided to have the children. 

The second aspect of the question is very personal, of course. The OP asks if their SO's reasons are fine or sufficient. Yes. And no. From an objective, rational standpoint, I don't think there is ever a reason to have children, especially in this country where childcare and healthcare are usually private burdens. Yes, humanity needs more people to survive, but that's not the same as saying that any individual should have children. However, while I do not really believe in what many people refer to as "human nature," there is a natural imperative to have procreate. Having a child makes absolutely no sense on one level, but our daughter has brought complete joy to my wife and me.

As Kron3007 indicated, there is no perfect time. There has to be a balance of personal, financial, biological, etc., factors, which is different for each person (and each couple).

[smallcleanrat]

Reasons are always good or bad (or both or neither). But what matters, really, is the how, rather than the why.

IMO reasons matter mostly because planned families are more desirable than unplanned ones. And reasons give you the motive force to get busy and make a child. But once that's done, they don't have much more work to do.

What matters is how you parent. (Forget about the 'parenting styles' rabbit hole, just pick and choose what seems right, after careful reflection.) And an important corollary is having adequate support and resources. The child-bearing parent will be out of commission for a while after the birth, even if there are no complications. And even if you could go back to work and life as usual immediately, that's not actually very desirable.

And once you have a child, your life will be changed FOREVER. That's fine if you're prepared for it. Some people think a kid is like a pet. Not remotely.

What does being prepared for it look like? I mean beyond being able to provide for their material needs. I guess I'm most worried about hurting a kid's development somehow because I won't know what I'm doing. How do you judge in advance your fitness to be a parent?

As Kron3007 indicated, there is no perfect time. There has to be a balance of personal, financial, biological, etc., factors, which is different for each person (and each couple).

I know you and Kron007 are right about "the perfect time" and that the decision-making process varies a lot. I think I was mostly looking for people to talk about their own experiences so I could read different perspectives.

You made a lot of interesting points.

[dismalist]

Reasons are always good or bad (or both or neither). But what matters, really, is the how, rather than the why.

IMO reasons matter mostly because planned families are more desirable than unplanned ones. And reasons give you the motive force to get busy and make a child. But once that's done, they don't have much more work to do.

What matters is how you parent. (Forget about the 'parenting styles' rabbit hole, just pick and choose what seems right, after careful reflection.) And an important corollary is having adequate support and resources. The child-bearing parent will be out of commission for a while after the birth, even if there are no complications. And even if you could go back to work and life as usual immediately, that's not actually very desirable.

And once you have a child, your life will be changed FOREVER. That's fine if you're prepared for it. Some people think a kid is like a pet. Not remotely.

What does being prepared for it look like? I mean beyond being able to provide for their material needs. I guess I'm most worried about hurting a kid's development somehow because I won't know what I'm doing. How do you judge in advance your fitness to be a parent?

We been doing it for ca. 300, 000 years. If we weren't fit, we'd not be here!

We had fun with our daughter growing up. Nothing could be more rewarding. Wife took off several years raising our child. High quality human capital is expensive to form.

Being prepared? Well, just post birth: Wife, in a different country, calls to say what to buy for the arrival of infant! I knew less than my wife did. Thank goodness a woman who had had children was at the counter of the store where I bought all that stuff.

Breast feeding can be difficult, but I was merely a witness.

Daughter thrived!

[Hegemony]

Being a parent means putting another person first to a great extent. Not total self-sacrifice, but some. I think the question to be asked is "Does keeping my head above water occupy all my time and energy, or do I have some reserves? Am I on top of the things that trouble me, by and large, so that I can put them in the background when someone else's needs are urgent?  Do I have a good sense of what my parents did right, which I can replicate, and what they did wrong, and how I could do better?" And "What does my support system look like?" You can do it without having much of a support system beforehand, but it will be easier if it is already set up. That would include generous friends (who, for instance, will still want to see you even when you are frazzled, late for lunch, and toting a toddler who may throw up at any moment), a source of daycare, people to advise on parenting dilemmas, and people who will stick with you even though all you say is "I'm so tired." Of course it's possible to gather the support system as you go, but some degree of determination is useful.

[Caracal]

What does being prepared for it look like? I mean beyond being able to provide for their material needs. I guess I'm most worried about hurting a kid's development somehow because I won't know what I'm doing. How do you judge in advance your fitness to be a parent?

The good news is that kids develop on their own and you don't really have to do anything to make it happen, other than provide for those material needs and love them. It's amazing, they start off as these helpless blobs who can't support their own heads, and, if you're like me, you worry endlessly about their milestones, and whether they should be doing something they aren't, and then one day they start crawling around, or decide to figure out how to walk, or start saying words and eventually constructing complex sentences. As long as you don't lock the kid in the basement, they just figure all this stuff out on their own. If you're a neurotic person, like me, it's therapeutic to realize that your worries and anxieties are totally irrelevant.

[ciao_yall]

What does being prepared for it look like? I mean beyond being able to provide for their material needs. I guess I'm most worried about hurting a kid's development somehow because I won't know what I'm doing. How do you judge in advance your fitness to be a parent?

The good news is that kids develop on their own and you don't really have to do anything to make it happen, other than provide for those material needs and love them. It's amazing, they start off as these helpless blobs who can't support their own heads, and, if you're like me, you worry endlessly about their milestones, and whether they should be doing something they aren't, and then one day they start crawling around, or decide to figure out how to walk, or start saying words and eventually constructing complex sentences. As long as you don't lock the kid in the basement, they just figure all this stuff out on their own. If you're a neurotic person, like me, it's therapeutic to realize that your worries and anxieties are totally irrelevant.

And, surround them with other adults and people so they learn from those around them, not just you.

[RatGuy]

While my wife and I always wanted children, we disagreed on when it was a good time. I'm consistently underpaid, and her employment was spotty and erratic (partially due to her chronic health problems). When she'd lament that we didn't have children, I'd say that we'd start when we were financially stable. This year I came home from work one day and found she'd moved out and taken everything with her -- and moved three states away. Her reason? "You'll never want to have kids with me." If I'd known that "not right now" meant that she'd move out, well, I might've done things differently.

All that to say: make sure that you're communicating effectively about desires and aspirations and expectations. And consider that you might think you're expressing your ideas effectively, and it might be hard to draw a line in the sand, but the other party may not be hearing what you're saying. In situations such as the discussion to have children, it's important that everyone understands everyone else's stance.

[downer]

I did not want kids and didn't have them. I've always been pleased with the decision.

There are definitely all sorts of reasons people have for having kids or not having them, both reasonable and unreasonable.

While having kids is still the most common decision, it's increasingly no longer a default assumption. Some governments are trying to provide incentives for people to have kids. But 8 bilion people on the planet seems plenty.

[Antiphon1]

SO and I always knew we wanted children.  The reality of working/degrees/insurance/child care (in no particular order) forced us to delay until 3 of the 4 factors came together.  That was the calculus for Antison 1.  The next two children were planned-ish, but mostly a lack of concern about our ability to juggle family and careers brought us to a more relaxed stance.  You either know that you want to replicate or you know you don't want go there.  Honor yourself and your desires. 

[Parasaurolophus]

For what it's worth, I was ambivalent about it. I would have been happy either way, and didn't have a strong preference. The same was true of my partner, until it wasn't; and once that changed, I was happy to go down the child route. And every day since has been an utter delight.

One word of advance warning, however: once the birthing partner hits 35, they call it a "geriatric" pregnancy. =/