Write my submission to a scam journal for me!

[Parasaurolophus]

mamselle: I'm so sorry I left you off the list of authors! I was cutting and pasting into alphabetical order, and forgot to paste you. I've now fixed the big post upthread.

[arcturus]

Dear Parasaurolophus,

Thank you for combining the submitted material into a cohesive document. I hate to be one of those co-author's whose only comment to a draft is to say that my name is misspelled, or I have changed institutions, or other trivia, but, in fact my name is misspelled. Could you please change acturus to arcturus? 

Many thanks.
-the absent minded professor that recognizes that some dialects of English drop the 'r's, but now lives in a region where those r's are retained and sometimes additional r's are added for good measure.

[Parasaurolophus]

Dear Parasaurolophus,

Thank you for combining the submitted material into a cohesive document. I hate to be one of those co-author's whose only comment to a draft is to say that my name is misspelled, or I have changed institutions, or other trivia, but, in fact my name is misspelled. Could you please change acturus to arcturus? 

Many thanks.
-the absent minded professor that recognizes that some dialects of English drop the 'r's, but now lives in a region where those r's are retained and sometimes additional r's are added for good measure.

*embarrassed*

I know there's an r! So should my fingers. It's been fixed.

[mamselle]

mamselle: I'm so sorry I left you off the list of authors! I was cutting and pasting into alphabetical order, and forgot to paste you. I've now fixed the big post upthread.

No issues, really; I've only raised a couple questions, haven't really contributed otherwise at all!

M.

[Wahoo Redux]

This whole thing is so hilariously brilliant.

Parasaurolophus is a genius.  A icreamery savant!

[science.expat]

Can I be added to the acknowledgement please? I did help suggest this.

Many thanks,
SE

[quasihumanist]

study provides an initial feasibility case study on the use of ice cream scoops versus spoons for brain surgery, using a frozen dairy product substrate as a stimulant of brain tissue.

Is the misspelling of 'stimulant' for 'simulant' intentional?

[traductio]

UPDATE:

Hello, fine people of the Fora. The editor has contacted me again -- third time! -- to ask for my eminent contribution. I've set up a poll on a new thread (http://thefora.org/index.php?topic=1434.0) so you can help me decide how to proceed. Come, let your thoughts be known!

[secundem_artem]

Reviewer #2 here -- I don't see how this paper can be accepted without an adequate discussion of how zombies remove brains from a cranium.  Major revision required.

[traductio]

Reviewer #2 here -- I don't see how this paper can be accepted without an adequate discussion of how zombies remove brains from a cranium.  Major revision required.

This, I must admit, has been one of my preoccupations since we began the research, but I admit that I have not yet addressed it adequately.

[Puget]

OK, I finished my actual writing task for today, so as a reward I get to work on this (why is it so much more fun than my actual paper?!). I am filling in the Procedure and Results sections-- changes tracked in bold. I fabricated (err, "simulated") some data and ran the stats for real, which is one of the sillier things I've ever spent time doing.

Neurosurgical Tools: Spoons vs. Ice Cream Scoops

By apl68, arcturus, mamselle, mythbuster, P. Saurolophus,  Puget,quasihumanist, Science.Expat, traductio, vkw10  & Wahoo Redux (alphabetical order)

Abstract: The relative merits of spoons versus ice cream scoops for brain surgery were tested by a communication professor with no qualifications in neurosurgery in response to a spam/scam email soliciting articles. Ice cream was substituted for brains, and surgery (or "surgery") was performed by the communication professor's children/lab assistants, ages 5 and 9. It was found that ice cream scoops were most effective for serving large portions of "brains" (or ice cream) into bowls, while spoons were most effective for transferring "brains" (or ice cream) from the bowl to the lab assistants. Results were inconclusive with respect to the relative merits of chocolate syrup, marshmallows, and sprinkles
in the surgical process, and will require further research.

Keywords: brain, ice cream, neurosurgical tools, scoops, spoons, substrate...


Introduction

Since the dawn of time, spoons have been used to scoop things. It was only comparatively recently, however, that dicula lignea was turned from its historical task of scooping soup to the medical task of scooping the cerebrum from the cranial cavity. The spoon's shallow bowl was long thought ideally-suited to the task, but recent research by Cuclear, Spēnuz, Kijiko, et al. (2012) demonstrates that the instrument's idiophonic properties can interfere with electrical signals in the brain at the point of surgery.

The problem of selecting appropriate tools for brain surgery is therefore a critical one. Not only are currently available surgical tools expensive, but they are hard to obtain for home surgeons, especially those lacking traditional medical credentials. Simulation studies using manufactured brain-analogues provide a valuable tool for beta-testing alternative surgical tools which could increase the accessibility and feasibility of at-home surgical procedures by alternative neuro-practitioners. The current study provides an initial feasibility case study on the use of ice cream scoops versus spoons for brain surgery, using a frozen dairy product substrate as a simulate of brain tissue.

Methods

Participants
Participants were two surgical assistants (mean age = 7 years, range 5-9 years, gender not reported) recruited as a convenience sample from the senior author's household. Although the sample is small, a Monte Carlo simulation and preliminary testing by the participants demonstrated that the repeated measures design enabled sufficient sampling of the frozen dairy product substrate to carry out the preliminary analyses in the current study. All procedures were approved by a local IRB consisting of the participants' other parent, who also provided verbal informed consent. Participants provided verbal informed consent in the form of screaming for ice cream. Participants were compensated for their time by being allowed to consume the frozen dairy product substrate after testing procedures were complete.

Experimental Design
Our study of spoons versus scoops was predicated on previous studies which used a frozen dairy product as a representative cerebellum-type model (REFERENCE). However, after reading the related literature (more REFERENCES), we realized that further study was required to determine which flavor of frozen dairy product was most representative of the structural norms that our experiment was designed to investigate.

Thus, the first step of our experimental design included tasting of at least five different flavors of frozen dairy product. To further validate our chosen substrate, we required tasting of all five flavors from at least four independent brands of frozen dairy product for a total of 20 separate half-gallon containers. The randomized tastings were accomplished by the previously mentioned surgical assistants. We note that there may be some ad hoc hominem in this process as the preliminary determination of appropriate substrate required use of both scoops and spoons. Nonetheless, after careful consideration, we posit that Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey is tasty but not the best choice for this experiment due to the large chocolate chunks which did not conform to our model. However, several different brands of vanilla with caramel swirl adequately replicated the density and color variations in the target material and thus were selected as the appropriate substrate for our subsequent investigation.

Note that this preliminary data collection also revealed a very important parameter that may impact the validity of the results presented here and in any future studies which may attempt to replicate our results. Specifically, due to its propensity to melt, we discovered that one of the potentially significant parameters in this experiment is the time difference (Δ_T) between the substrate's removed from cold storage and the experiment's start time.

Indeed, when Δ_T is long, we had difficulty replicating for ourselves the majority of results derived from studies conducted with short Δ_Ts. Further, we note that while experiments with long Δ_Ts may be of interest to the pure academic, we found that they were of less relevance to the matter at hand since the model material no longer appeared to be an appropriate substitute for the target material. Fortunately, quick action on the part of our surgical assistants meant that the majority of our studies were completed with relatively short Δ_Ts which should therefore be considered the gold standard for further investigation of this important matter.

Materials

Spoon (experimental surgical tool)
This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 15 cm shaft attached to a shallow ovoid bowl approximately 4 cm in length and 3 cm in width, and was composed of stainless steel.

Ice Cream Scoop (experimental surgical tool)
This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 30 cm shaft attached to a deep circular bowl approximately 5 cm in diameter.

One advantage of the instrument used in the current study over other such instruments on the market is that its haft was equipped with a thumb-operated lever which controls a flat wire nested within the bowl, moving it laterally to enhance the expulsion of substrate from the scoop into appropriately disinfected receptacles. All components were composed of stainless steel, apart from the haft, which was covered in a rubber comfort grip. Such grips are required due to IRB concerns related to possible substrate scooping injuries to vulnerable participant populations.

Simulated Brains (substrate)
Simulated brains consisted of 6 1.89L containers of this frozen dairy substrate (Breyers, Inc.), which had been maintained at -18°C for 48 hours prior to the beginning of the experiment. Skulls were simulated with 1.89L waxed-cardboard receptacles. Meninges were simulated with a plastic film spread over the container's open surface. After careful pilot testing, caramel swirl ice cream was selected as the closest textural and optic simulate for brains, being free of biologically-implausible chunks (e.g., chocolate, nuts, fruit), which might compromise the simulations' ecological validity.

Procedure

A within-subjects, cross-over repeated measures design was used. Testing was carried out over 2 days, to avoid participant scooping fatigue and gastrointestinal side effects, which could have confounded the results. On day 1 (D1), Participant A used the spoon, and Participant B  used the scope, whereas on day 2 (D2), the reverse was true.

To control for time of day effects, each testing session started at 7:30 PM. Each testing session used a fresh carton of simulated brain substrate. As noted in Experimental design, preliminary testing indicated that a short Δ_Ts was ideal.  Thus, the carton was removed from the -18 C freezer to the 20 c work surface 5 min. before the experimental procedure began.

At the end of this warming interval, the simulated skull (lid) and meninges (plastic film) were removed. The participants were situated on either end of the carton with their assigned tool in their dominant hand. To equalize leverage (an important confounding veritable), the younger participant stood on a step tool to equalize height with the older participant. Two pre-weighed identical substrate receptacles were placed equidistant from each participant's dormant hand on the work surface. At a signal from the experimenter, participants commenced scooping for 3 min. The receptacles were then re-weighed on a calibrated kitchen scale to determine grams/min (g/m) of substrate transferred.  Finally,  participants were allowed to consume compensation payments (i.e., simulated brain substrate).

[Editor: please insert the following footnote and update the footnote numbering]: On both testing days the participant assigned to the spoon condition objected that the resulting differences in compensation were "no fair!" and threatened to raise objections with the IRB. As a result, the experimenter was forced to step in and equalize payments, re-weighing each bowl to prove equal compensation. Future research might consider assessing time to bowl fullness (TTBF) rather than g/m to avoid this problem.


Results

In the ice cream scoop condition, participants transferred  a mean  of 370 g (SD= 14.14, range = 360-380) of substrate, or 123.33 g/m, whereas in the spoon condition they transferred a mean of 115 g (SD =7.07, range = 110-120), or 38.33 g/m, for an X_d of 255 g (SD = 7.07).  Data were tested with a paired samples t-test. Significantly more substrate was transferred in the scoop than in the spoon condition (t(2) = 50.99, p=.012). Thus, we reject the null hypothesis and conclude that the scoop condition produced a higher transfer rate than the spoon condition

Discussion

[Some stuff]

Our selection of vanilla caramel cream ripple replicates the end findings of the post hoc panel on the Jones study of 1935. While many today consider the Jones study to be an utter debacle due to its unconventional IRB and IACUC approvals, it nevertheless managed to definitively establish the importance of brain chilling. As a result, the post hoc panel ultimately recommended using brain simulative materials rather than in or ex vivo studies.¹

The gold standard for temperature control protocols of this nature, of course, was set by the essential preliminary work of R.R. Raskolnikov (1866) and A.F. Karamazov (1880). Although they were produced during the 19th century, the essential preliminary work of A.F. Karamazov and R.R. Raskolnikov has long set the standards by which the International Society of Weighing & Measurement (ISWM) gauges ice-creamery and ice-creaminoid increments as well as the proper temperature controls. Karamazov, in concert with his brothers F.P. and D.F. Karamazov respectively, standardized the temperature for consumption of dairy or fruit based ice-creamicles by infants on the tundra during the winter of 1880 in Siberia. 

The experiments, published under the title "лед лед детка" (trans.: "Ice, Ice Baby"), proved an invaluable international benchmark in this project.  It is unfortunate to note that all three brothers Karamazov perished in their third expansion of the experiment "лед лед лед детка детка толчок это очень хорошо" (trans.: "Ice, Ice, Ice Baby, Baby Push it Real Good") involving double the quantity of sugar and constant exercise to mitigate the childhood obesity their first experiment engendered in its subjects. As it happens, eating dairy-based frozen brain-matter while exercising in the arctic conditions of Siberia can be extremely hazardous.² Russian media claims that Russian subjects experienced no episodes of "brain freeze" or "ice-cream headache" while interacting with sherbet sphericals. At this time, it cannot be ascertained whether this phenomenon is negatively correlated with portion control.³

While it is not a focus of this paper, investigators would be remiss in not mentioning the recent Russian controversy involving sherbet and what it implies about the necessity of standardization. Although American (Smith, Jones, Adams et al.) and European (Douglas, Boucher, Braun & Esposito) investigators maintain WFSW protocols which require dairy-based products, certain discoveries by Japanese investigators (Yamamoto & Tanaka) utilizing mochi have obviated the need for either scoops or spoons, suggesting instead that chopsticks are a more efficient method for the delivery of cranial matter to any given concave or plane structure. These results have yet to be duplicated by western researchers, even when chopsticks were tested on 14-, 16-, and 32-ounce containers, including both smooth and chunky dairy-based substrate; manual dexterity may play a part in these failures, and further research into chopsticks vs. scoops or spoons may provide opportunities for breakthrough discoveries in multiple disciplines. However, Russian researchers (working under conditions that cannot be verified) claim to have developed a type of "sherbet spherical" that can be utilized with scoops, spoons, and chopsticks.


Future Research

• Does size matter? Despite our initial findings that ice cream scoops are most appropriate to transfer the brain-tissue subsititute to an intermediate container, and that spoons are the best tool for the next step in the "surgery", numerous articles in the popular press suggest that direct usage of spoons may be appropriate when the brain-tissue substitute is in "tubs" or when the surgeon is depressed due to a romantic break-up (see, e.g., When Harry Met Sally).  This contrarian view point deserves further study. Can ice cream scoops be depreciated if the containers are either small or large? Do large containers run the risk of freezer burn? Do small containers lose their effectiveness due to their large surface-area/volume ratio (more loss on the sides)? Future studies must take these additional parameters into consideration.


• Are new tools required? We recommend a new investigation of "neurosurgery" on ice cream sandwiches and other novelty products. Of particular interest is an investigation into the most efficient approach to removing the neural matter substitute: do you go through the cookie material (face-on) or through the sides? Monte carlo simulations may be required to explore fully the geometric constraints imposed by ice cream cones, hard chocolate exteriors, and other irregularities.


• Possible side effects? Upon close inspection, there was a weak signal in the data suggesting that the experiment may have led to increased mass in the surgical assistants and surgeon. While transference is always a concern in psychological studies, the potential transfer of mass from subject matter to investigator indicates a potential hazard not disclosed in the IRB review of this preliminary study using brain-tissue substitute. Further study, with a larger quantity of brain-tissue substitute, appears warranted at this time. Precise values regarding the quantity of brain-tissue substitute that will be sufficient to increase the significance of this weak signal is still uncertain, but are estimated to be in the range of one or two "full freezer" units.

Acknowledgements

[...]


Bibliography

Cuclear, Spēnuz, Kijiko, et al. (2012)
R.R. Raskolnikov (1866)
A.F. Karamazov (1880)
Lecter et al (2017)
Baskin & Robbins, 1945
Ben & Jerry, 1981
The Iceman Cometh: Spoons Behind the Iron Curtain by Eugene O'Neil
Smith, Jones, Adams et al.
Douglas, Boucher, Braun & Esposito
Yamamoto & Tanaka
Schnudwiller et al. 2019


--------------------------------------------

Endnotes

¹ Recent research suggests that the Jones study may not, in fact, bear up under scrutiny. Lecter et al (2017), in particular, found that warming was much more effective, contingent upon the desired final function.

² Happily, the bodies of all three brothers never thawed and are on display in the town square of Tungus, Siberia, by order of the short-lived Czar Wallasca Stevenski (known in American vernacular as "The Emperor of Ice Cream") in homage to their work.  For his part, Raskolnikov is given credit for recreating Karamazov frigidity and for delimiting the proper tool and method for parceling Siberian ice-cream, namely with an axe.  While the Raskolnikov axe-technique has gained widespread acceptance among scientists, and is recognized by the ISWM as a very effective method for cleaving brain-matter, dairy and otherwise, the constant forcefulness of the technique has proven to be a strain on ice-creamologists; Raskolnikov himself suffered substantial psychic instabilities and was institutionalized and eventually given electro-shock therapy, which melted him.  In fact, it is the liability of the Rasskolnikov axe-technique which inspired American investigators (Baskin & Robbins, 1945; Ben & Jerry, 1981) to develop the softer, warmer style of brain matter favored by western consumers (interested parties might enjoy the popular press offering, The Iceman Cometh: Spoons Behind the Iron Curtain by Eugene O'Neil).

³ ISC CEO Heide Hackmann made certain public statements which challenged the Russian findings (see Schnudwiller et al. 2019) and suggested these investigations were simply an attempt to embarrass western science. The purpose of this paper is not to evaluate these findings or Hackman's statements, but it is important to note that the practical epistemology of dairy-based substrates is constantly expanding and not free of controversial material. Care must be taken regarding all aspects of brain matter, dairy and non-dairy, spherical or scyphoid.

[arcturus]

Puget - If you are still within the edit window, can you please add Science.Expat, quasihumanist, and vkw10 to the author list? And also fix the "stimulant" "simulant"  typo at the end of the 2nd paragraph of the Introduction? Overall, this draft is looking much better! And, with a review already in hand (thanks, secundem_artem!), we should be able to move quickly through the publication process!

[Also, on edit, I think "lit" should be "lid" in the 3rd paragraph of the procedure section.]

[Puget]

Puget - If you are still within the edit window, can you please add Science.Expat, quasihumanist, and vkw10 to the author list? And also fix the "stimulant" "simulant"  typo at the end of the 2nd paragraph of the Introduction? Overall, this draft is looking much better! And, with a review already in hand (thanks, secundem_artem!), we should be able to move quickly through the publication process!

[Also, on edit, I think "lit" should be "lid" in the 3rd paragraph of the procedure section.]

Done!

[mamselle]

Oh, I put a note on the other thread....

What about a graph that looks like an ice-cream cone?

I figured out the bottom, was just now playing in Excel to figure out the top....

See the other thread for the first round...

(Or do we have graphs I just haven't seen?)

;--}

M.

[San Joaquin]

I suggest more Latin, for oomph.  Like the phrase "reductio ad absurdum" for example.  It just adds that certain je ne sais quoi.