Oof. That was raw, smallcleanrat.
Please do not collapse all feelings into one other person, or into one job, or into one anything. Keep talking with your therapist, please.
And listen to the calm for a while. Maybe it's telling you something that you need to hear.
Hang on.
dc
Hi, dr_codex. I'm not sure what you mean by this. Would you please explain?
I'm not sure what the calm means. Right now, I think it's a sense that there is less pressure to fight the suicidal urges. People kept telling me to think of how devastated SO would be if he lost me. But if he's not getting anything out of his relationship with me, it wouldn't really be much of a loss.
He keeps telling me just because he doesn't remember, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. This does not make sense to me. This is not on the level of forgetting I asked him to pick up milk from the store or forgetting to get me a birthday card. Maybe it's because I've been struggling with these urges for so many years, he's tuned it out. I only tell him when there seems a real danger of me taking action; I don't bother to mention the more passive ideation or impulses that are moderate enough for me to manage on my own. But even so, he may just have heard it too many times to take seriously at this point.
I think what some people don't understand is, even when I know I will be able to restrain myself from acting on the urges, I still may need help. The constant conflict of wanting to act but knowing I "shouldn't" can be agony, and it hurts so much more to be going through it alone.
Just because one person is burnt out or grumpy or stressed generally or not a responsive kind of person does not mean that across the board you are a burden on others. I know he's the only one in your house right now, but don't take him for the position of the world. He could just be tired and stressed; he could equally just be a jerk. He could be a tired and stressed jerk. To be honest, he sounds like one. Anyway, don't take the opportunity to interpret his jerky responses as some kind of confirmation of the distorted thoughts your brain is advertising. Do keep reaching out to folks who are more available. I know this situation sucks, but it will not always suck. Meanwhile take the chance to do whatever keeps your spirits a bit happy — trashy TV, chocolate ice cream, looking at kittens on Instagram, buying novels with no redeeming literary value — or all of the above.
I can agree with this, but it hasn't just been one person. My parents have told me how my issues have burdened them with extra stress and expense. My mom tells me she sometimes feels all the effort and emotion and time they invested in raising me felt like a waste, given how long it's taking me to establish a career, a relationship, and a life of my own. My previous grad program told me my slowed progress due to illness made it difficult to justify the resources being spent to train me, and that one poorly performing lab member can negatively affect everyone else in the group. My previous PI told me not to return to lab after my medical leave, even if I was declared recovered and fit to work again, because chronic conditions can flare and a lab needs dependable people.
At this point, I don't know how to justify taking more time from doctors, therapists, or anyone else, given how long I've been trying to get better. I feel I've used more than my fair share of resources at this point. And even if I do get better, I have no reason to expect I will ever get well.
SO has been talking to a therapist for the last month for help managing stress. This therapist told him in their very first session that SO needed to be less emotionally invested in helping me get better, because people with chronic issues like mine never do (based on therapist's professional experience). SO mentioned wanting to marry me and raise a family; therapist said it was a terrible idea. Mental illness is hereditary, and chronically depressed people do not make good parents (as they are to preoccupied with their own issues to be sufficiently attentive and loving). SO did say he thought these were very odd things to say so confidently when all the therapist had to go on was SO's description of me and our relationship in a single therapy session. These things might not be true generally, but for me specifically, I've long wondered.
