Does anyone on the fora, their relatives, or other people you know have a serious problem with being in a quiet space? A few examples to clarify the question:
- My in-laws always have their TV on "for company." They will literally wake up, turn the TV on, and then go take a shower. I once turned off the TV at their house when we were called to the dinner table, and you would have thought I had pulled my pants down. They even leave the TV on "for the dog" when they leave it alone in the house.
- My daughter and I were reading books in our den area when a different adult in-law came in, sat there for about two minutes, and then starting playing bad country music loudly on her phone. She didn't want anything from us, and seemed upset when we asked her to please turn it off or go somewhere else.
- My kids and I can travel in a car for over an hour without talking to each other. We aren't mad or antisocial—just quiet, but other people in the car seem to find this quietness or lack of small-talk very unnerving.
So now I'm curious. How is it with you? Is it "normal" for people to find quietness so uncomfortable? Is this a personality kind of thing? A product of modern technology? Am I just weirdly quiet in this way? Do others find constant artificial background noise intrusive and irritating?
Some people in our media-saturated society do seem to have an absolute terror of silence. On rare occasions I've even run into them while out camping, which kind of ruins the experience.
Me, I'm a librarian. I like quiet (Though libraries aren't always as quiet to work in as you might think). It's one reason why I wanted so much to leave the big city and move back to a rural area. Even living in a small town, I love it when I'm visiting my parents on their rural road, where you might sometimes not have anybody drive by for hours on end.
I can enjoy bright, loud music for dancing and big groups of people milling around a fair or conference event, but at some point I have to break away and rest, ponder stuff, and, like you "hear the silence."
There are full silences and empty silences to me.
Most silences in places of peace and friendly companionship can be full without the need of a word being said. I cherish those.
I suspect for others, those same silences might seem empty or else full of something threatening or worrying--I talk to my worries and talk them down off the shelf, but maybe for others, silence is like that dark night time when the scary things come out from under the bed, and they can't confront the scary things.
I've been with people with whom it was hopeless to have a conversation without fearing disagreement, and those were empty silences for me, but I also didn't want to fill them and have another reason for an argument. So those were uncomfortable silences, but I preferred them to the noise.
I had a roommate once who, while driving along, would suddenly start nattering away, and after a very draining day, I had to say to her, "Do you realize that when I'm being quiet, I'm not leaving time for you to talk, I'm leaving time for us both to be silent together? To enjoy that silence?"
She said she'd never thought of it that way before, and we got along better after that.
M.
I sympathize. My brother's family rarely turns the television off, although they will mute and use captioning or switch it to a music channel. I find both the flickering light and constant sound tiring. Even when we had a teenager living with us, a typical evening included several hours with no sound but the occasional chuckle from someone reading.
I'm alone a great deal, so silence is the norm for me. When Mr. Eagle is here, the TV is on constantly - drives me nuts, but I hold my peace and turn the volume down to a manageable level.
I never have a radio or any music on when I drive, either; I find it distracting and prefer to pay attention to my driving. Having recently bought a new vehicle, I had an amusing conversation with the Sirius satellite radio salesman after my trial expired - he could not believe that I never listen to the radio in the car.
Quote from: wareagle on January 07, 2021, 05:19:26 AM
I'm alone a great deal, so silence is the norm for me. When Mr. Eagle is here, the TV is on constantly - drives me nuts, but I hold my peace and turn the volume down to a manageable level.
I never have a radio or any music on when I drive, either; I find it distracting and prefer to pay attention to my driving. Having recently bought a new vehicle, I had an amusing conversation with the Sirius satellite radio salesman after my trial expired - he could not believe that I never listen to the radio in the car.
When I get into my wife's car, (or when my daughter has been driving mine), it jars me when the radio starts playing as soon as I turn on the ignition. I generally only turn on the radio during long highway trips or if I have to sit in the car waiting in a parking lot somewhere.
I don't dare listen to music while driving.
I nearly went through a stop sign once, analyzing an interesting chord progression...
M.
Quote from: mamselle on January 07, 2021, 05:30:33 AM
I don't dare listen to music while driving.
I nearly went through a stop sign once, analyzing an interesting chord progression...
M.
And I think that's the reason I don't listen to the radio - as a musician myself, I will get caught up in the music and stop watching the road. Or other drivers.
Quote from: wareagle on January 07, 2021, 09:23:35 AM
Quote from: mamselle on January 07, 2021, 05:30:33 AM
I don't dare listen to music while driving.
I nearly went through a stop sign once, analyzing an interesting chord progression...
M.
And I think that's the reason I don't listen to the radio - as a musician myself, I will get caught up in the music and stop watching the road. Or other drivers.
I can listen to music while driving long distances (CDs, not the radio). I'm not any sort of musician, though.
My big distraction problem is architecture. Maybe it's my family's history of construction work.
Quote from: wareagle on January 07, 2021, 09:23:35 AM
Quote from: mamselle on January 07, 2021, 05:30:33 AM
I don't dare listen to music while driving.
I nearly went through a stop sign once, analyzing an interesting chord progression...
M.
And I think that's the reason I don't listen to the radio - as a musician myself, I will get caught up in the music and stop watching the road. Or other drivers.
Another musician here who does not listen to music in the car. I prefer the relative silence. I am not bothered by silence in general. Fortunately, my spouse feels the same way.
I enjoy silence and that is generally my preference. I might listen to music for a little while during mindless work such as grading easy assignments or cleaning the house, but after a little while I feel almost tired from the noise and need a break.
Mr. Charlotte does not enjoy silence and has the tv on constantly. We have separate work rooms for this reason. Mine has no tv and his tv is on unless he leaves the house. When he arrives home, the first thing he does is turn it back on.
I do not know why he does this and I do not understand it.
I kinda noticed my need to turn the TV on every time, about 4 years ago. I realized I kinda needed the white noise from the TV. Most of the time, I'm not even watching or attentively listening to what comes out of the television. I just needed the noise.
Well, to answer your question, "how to handle quiet spaces," try to observe. Not just blankly see the walls, or stare at the furniture, etc. What I do is I try to observe the tiny details in things, like the edges of the table, the very minuscule markings on the table. I also try to observe how people behave, like why my sister needs a lot of attention, why my cousin seems always angry, etc. But I try to observe without judgment.
Finally, I also try to "observe my observations." And I try not to judge them, if that makes sense.
I have a relative who needs background chatter (via t.v. or dvd) throughout the day. And several others who need white noise most of the time.
Not how I was raised, and not how I am most comfortable. But since I seem better able to deal with that than vice versa, I do what many of you do, and just try to adjust the volume.
I'm a musician — and listen to music in the car — but I also cherish quiet time. I've recently started doing flotation sessions in a sensory deprivation tank and love it, but I have friends who say being in total darkness and silence would freak them out.
Quote from: fishbrains on January 06, 2021, 11:20:29 AM
Does anyone on the fora, their relatives, or other people you know have a serious problem with being in a quiet space? A few examples to clarify the question:
- My in-laws always have their TV on "for company." They will literally wake up, turn the TV on, and then go take a shower. I once turned off the TV at their house when we were called to the dinner table, and you would have thought I had pulled my pants down. They even leave the TV on "for the dog" when they leave it alone in the house.
- My daughter and I were reading books in our den area when a different adult in-law came in, sat there for about two minutes, and then starting playing bad country music loudly on her phone. She didn't want anything from us, and seemed upset when we asked her to please turn it off or go somewhere else.
- My kids and I can travel in a car for over an hour without talking to each other. We aren't mad or antisocial—just quiet, but other people in the car seem to find this quietness or lack of small-talk very unnerving.
So now I'm curious. How is it with you? Is it "normal" for people to find quietness so uncomfortable? Is this a personality kind of thing? A product of modern technology? Am I just weirdly quiet in this way? Do others find constant artificial background noise intrusive and irritating?
The second incident on your list would drive me nuts. I also need my quiet time when driving, especially long distances. I don't give rides to people unless I know them quite well for this reason. Some of us need quiet times and spaces to recharge our batteries.
From about 5th or 6th grade on, my mother and I would go through the same routine almost every morning until I no longer lived in her house:
If left alone, I'd get up, get ready for school/work, and not say anything until "Goodbye" as I walked out the door. She could handle it for about 30 seconds once we were in the same room, and then invariably she'd start in: "So, what are you mad about today?"
Me: "Nothing. I just don't have anything to say."
Mom: "Well, you always go around here like your mad half the time [and the contradiction of "half the time" and "always" drove me nuts way back then]. You won't even talk to a person."
When Dad was still alive, he'd give her The Look and sometimes tell her to leave me alone. He was the quiet type, too, and generally wouldn't answer her when she'd go on a rant at him (a trick I adopted because she was one of those you could never win against, once she got on a roll, as happened about once a week. Of course, not responding made it go on that much longer, but I got good at blocking her out).
There's a reason my Fora sig line used to be Sartre's "Hell is other people at breakfast." It's not that I can't wake up or get going in the morning; I just need that quiet time (which is why my hour commute is just fine). It's nice to be reminded here that I'm not the only one who values the quiet. ALHS and Kid #1 can't abide quiet, but Kid #2 is like me, which is probably why she and I get along so well.
I love the TV as background noise when I'm doing something that requires so little thought that my mind will drift and I'll get nothing done on the boring task. When I'm entering data or triaging emails, I must have something more as input or my mind will start doing squirrely things like "I wonder how much squirrels eat on a daily basis" or "Why were salt tablets a thing?" Then, it's a good hour or two down the internet rabbit hole of shiny clicks instead of finishing the boring task that must be done.
Sometimes, I will purposely put on the television and then deal out a deck of cards for solitare or Candy Crush on the tablet. Two low-level inputs distract me enough that I may then have a Eureka moment on whatever big problem needs to be solved, but direct thinking isn't cutting it.
I pretty much only listen to the radio in the car. If I'm in heavy traffic, then I'll shut it off so I can concentrate. However, the quiet drive around here means my mind will drift if all I have to do is keep track of staying on the road. I have driven miles out of my way because I was alone with my thoughts and not paying attention to the road. It's better to have the frequent commercial interruptions that redirect my attention back to my current physical position.
If I've fallen into the page doing deep thinking, then as long as no one physically touches me, they can do almost anything and I won't notice. I have been forcibly notified of fire alarm drills by neighboring offices due to thinking too hard at work.
Nearly every night, I am reading in the same room where Mr. Mer is watching TV. We're sort of engaged in the same activity because I have half an ear on the TV and both eyes on my book. I've seldom had to reread a page in the book because of divided attention, but multiple times a month, I will have to ask how the murder mystery ended because I didn't catch it and the TV was not interesting enough to follow the whole way.