the "things you wish you could say" thread

[FishProf]

Don't get me wrong.  I still think you are the biggest a-hole around here.  It's just that, well, you have competition.

That wasn't a challenge...

[mamselle]

Dear Office Manager,

You can't do things like move the location of paper for our printers, change the protocol for sending off-campus mail, lock all the meeting room doors so we have to ask you to open them for us, etc., etc., etc., NOT tell anyone that things have changed, then get annoyed when we don't follow your rules and/or have to ask seemingly inane questions. It wouldn't be that hard to send out an email, put a memo in our mailboxes, or otherwise let us know. We're professors, we know how to follow rules, but only if we know what those rules are.

No love,

Dr. M.

Oh, no.

I had one of those once.

The horror, the horror....

M.

[arcturus]

Dear "airline". You know that I am a citizen of [country] because you required me to enter my passport number to confirm who I am on this return flight and to have access to the subsequent form. Why, then, did you default to "no" on the question as to whether or not I am a citizen of [country] on the required COVID-information form? -sincerely, I-just-want-to-go-home

[FishProf]

When I tell you to read the instructions completely before you begin the lab, that implies TWO things;

1) Read the instructions entirely before you DO anything; and
2) After completing #1, DO what is says.

Seriously, how do you get yourself dressed and to school in the morning?

[paultuttle]

About a decade ago, an adult male gorilla stared down both my husband and me in Disney's Animal Kingdom so intensely that we got the hell out of there.

Your paltry efforts at intimidating me pale in comparison.

[Vkw10]

When I tell you to read the instructions completely before you begin the lab, that implies TWO things;

1) Read the instructions entirely before you DO anything; and
2) After completing #1, DO what is says.

Seriously, how do you get yourself dressed and to school in the morning?

Your students get dressed AND get to school? Before noon?

somewhat related...

Why does X get multiple offers for paid internships while you get nada? X walked in clear-eyed and dressed in business casual. You staggered in bleary-eyed looking like you rolled out of bed and pulled on pjs from the dirty laundry pile. The fuzzy slippers were a nice touch, though.

[ergative]

Dear Office Manager,

You can't do things like move the location of paper for our printers, change the protocol for sending off-campus mail, lock all the meeting room doors so we have to ask you to open them for us, etc., etc., etc., NOT tell anyone that things have changed, then get annoyed when we don't follow your rules and/or have to ask seemingly inane questions. It wouldn't be that hard to send out an email, put a memo in our mailboxes, or otherwise let us know. We're professors, we know how to follow rules, but only if we know what those rules are.

No love,

Dr. M.

A year or three ago, our ethics office changed the templates for consent forms and approval applications, but they didn't actually put the new templates on the website. So for a while all applications kept getting rejected, with an email containing the correct templates, saying, 'You should use these instead.' There was literally no way to know that we should have used the new template, or even what the new template was, until they rejected the application with the old templates.

It's fixed now, and the ethics department have done me a solid a couple of times in the last few months, so it's not like they're generally incompetent, but I look back on that period and shake my head.

[EdnaMode]

Dear Office Manager,

You can't do things like move the location of paper for our printers, change the protocol for sending off-campus mail, lock all the meeting room doors so we have to ask you to open them for us, etc., etc., etc., NOT tell anyone that things have changed, then get annoyed when we don't follow your rules and/or have to ask seemingly inane questions. It wouldn't be that hard to send out an email, put a memo in our mailboxes, or otherwise let us know. We're professors, we know how to follow rules, but only if we know what those rules are.

No love,

Dr. M.

A year or three ago, our ethics office changed the templates for consent forms and approval applications, but they didn't actually put the new templates on the website. So for a while all applications kept getting rejected, with an email containing the correct templates, saying, 'You should use these instead.' There was literally no way to know that we should have used the new template, or even what the new template was, until they rejected the application with the old templates.

It's fixed now, and the ethics department have done me a solid a couple of times in the last few months, so it's not like they're generally incompetent, but I look back on that period and shake my head.

I had a similar experience to yours when I was in industry. Someone gave me a multi-page hard copy document to fill out. I did. Returned it to that office. Then was told by another person that I'd filled out the wrong form. I said, "Your office gave me the form." **sigh** I went ahead and grumpily filled out the new form.

I'm not sure in the current situation if it's incompetence, or passive-aggressiveness on the part of this office manager. They are new to the job and came to us from the corporate world, not academia. Many of us have tried, nicely, to make recommendations and let them know we are not averse to change, but need to be notified when things are changed. For example, I don't care where we keep the printer/copier paper. But I've been here 10+ years and it's always been in the same place, so if it's going to change, I/we need to know. And previously, the meeting rooms were unlocked at 7:30 AM and locked at 5:00 (unless someone had a late meeting scheduled). One morning I came in for an 8 AM meeting, the door was locked, and it took until 8:15 to find someone with a key. The office manger was late to work so we called campus security (for whatever reason, faculty cannot have keys to the meeting rooms. We can access labs with equipment and chemicals that can kill you, but nope, not the meeting rooms?!). The manager said that he forgot that meeting was on the schedule, never mind the lateness, but even if something is scheduled, the room is not opened until someone specifically requests it to be opened before the meeting.  It's not a hill worth dying on but it does make me grumpy never knowing what other random changes are going to occur. I'm an engineer, we're creatures of habit!

[apl68]

It's generally best not to attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence.

[hmaria1609]

To adult patron: Did you even read the section about where and how you should send in your application?!

[mamselle]

I wish I could break into this crazy guy's spewing about mixed-up dance forms over 5 millenia and just scream, "No! NO! NOOOO!"

Silence will be a better choice for collegiality...

M.

[FishProf]

Dear Admins
When you tell us that you "can't disclose who has Covid", but then ONLY send the canned excused absence email FOR COVID CASES, you aren't protecting anyone's privacy.

Also, why isn't severe flu, or a concussion, worthy of an excused from class email?

Additionally, in my classes, what does excused absence even mean?  You weren't here for the activities, and they won't be happening again. Student still need to know the information, so what exactly is excused?

[the_geneticist]

The department administration office needs to have someone there in person when you are "open".  You know, for things like mail deliveries, printshop orders, checking out keys, etc. etc. I suppose I'll just have to wait for someone who is tenured to be inconvenienced to expect any change.

[paultuttle]

I wish I could break into this crazy guy's spewing about mixed-up dance forms over 5 millenia and just scream, "No! NO! NOOOO!"

Silence will be a better choice for collegiality...

M.

Regarding the sentence I put in boldface above, I once saw a T-shirt that perfectly expressed how I often feel toward objectionable people:

"My strong sense of decorum keeps me from telling you what I really think of you."

[mamselle]

Yep.

M.