Hello,
Is anyone here a single parent while being an academic? If yes, how's your experience so far? Any tips or advice?
Thanks,
How old are the kids, and how many? A little more info would help.
Quote from: fishbrains on December 04, 2022, 07:42:00 AM
How old are the kids, and how many? A little more info would help.
I don't have kids yet. I would like to, but am wondering if it's possible as a single person and the career that I have.
:(
You can do ANYTHING that you Want to do!
Choices have consequences, but I know several that have made it work! They may not be the number one department star after the children arrive, but they make it work.
having Children may mean that you wont teach summers, and you may have to find a sitter, or have a more strict schedule, but all of those things are possible IF you decide that the trade off is worth it for you!
I do know some people who are in this situation. Actually, one who I know is more or less "done", at least with the raising of their children (but has had along and successful career, though it could be tougher at a non-SLAC).
I've never been in a relationship. I find it's the saddest thing ever. That's why I'm asking myself if I should just do it on my own.
Another late, lamented CHE thread.
There were pages and PAGES on this, as I recall...
M.
QuoteI've never been in a relationship. I find it's the saddest thing ever.
I know that this is not what you mean, but you have been in several relationships.
You have parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, classmates, friends...
Maybe not a... searching for the correct words after COVID.... married, or leading to married relationship, but you have certainly not lived alone, even Romulus and Remus had relationships with each other than the she wolf!
IF you have really never had any type of relationship, then perhaps starting out with an infant, may not be the first stepping stone! Maybe start with Toast Masters or Rotary first!
Quote from: HappilyTenured on December 04, 2022, 01:17:05 PM
I've never been in a relationship. I find it's the saddest thing ever. That's why I'm asking myself if I should just do it on my own.
Hm. This would be a concern.
Most single parents had a partner when their children were born, and thus have another person to co-parent with.
Have you worked through this with a therapist?
I feel that being a single parent would be a tough situation for every profession. In academia, it would be even tougher.
For me, having kids is not a goal on its own. It's about having kids with my partner. I feel the desire to start a family, but with my partner. I do not think I would ever do that on my own.
OP, you probably have not met the right person yet. I do not believe there are two people in this world that are absolutely perfect for each other. I believe there are people more compatible than others but also have the desire to make things work. Without this desire, I do not think that a family will be sustainable.
QuoteQuote from: HappilyTenured on Today at 01:17:05 PM
I've never been in a relationship. I find it's the saddest thing ever. That's why I'm asking myself if I should just do it on my own.
Hm. This would be a concern.
Most single parents had a partner when their children were born, and thus have another person to co-parent with.
Have you worked through this with a therapist?
+1
Any decision regarding career and family requires a lot of soul-searching about your priorities. This applies regardless of marital status. If you are going to have children and a career, you need to be clear on the relative importance of each. (Again, this is true regardless of marital status or whether you're male or female.) Having a high-flying career will require someone else doing much of the heavy lifting in raising your children. Being the primary (or in the case of a single parent, sole) caregiver for your kids will put many limitations on the career opportunities you can consider.
Having it all is a myth; having what matters the most to you, by being willing to limit or forgo other things, is possible.
(I was a single parent with young children for a decade after the death of my spouse, with no family in town. All of my decisions were based on what was in the best interest of my kids. I have absolutely no regrets because that was what having kids in the first place meant to me.)
And raising kids is hard, even with a partner. Rewarding, but hard.
As a new(ish) parent (20 months), I think the most important question is what your support network looks like--as in, do you have people around in your life who will be able to drop everything to help you in the postpartum recovery phase, who will be regularly available to watch the child while you've got to attend to other stuff, who will make meals for you, etc. (anything to ease the burden). These might be family members, or very close friends, or even a highly supportive community which organizes meal trains or emergency diaper/Tylenol runs, etc.
We're two, and we're both home all the time (we're still working from home). And that's glorious. But we're also completely alone--we live exactly halfway between our two families, and they're about 3000 miles away. It is a lot of work, in ways which I didn't really anticipate. Doing it alone would be incredibly difficult and, I think, virtually impossible without a solid support network. We know a few single parents, but they all have family who step in to help. Being well and truly alone with the responsibility, and trying to juggle a full-time job, would be way too hard, and so, so isolating.
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on December 05, 2022, 09:56:45 PM
Being well and truly alone with the responsibility, and trying to juggle a full-time job, would be way too hard, and so, so isolating.
+1. I don't have to go farther for an example than some of the students in my current courses, who seriously struggle because they have no help with their kid(s). One kid getting sick, which they will do especially if they are in daycare, can be like an atom bomb when a person doesn't have help.
This may also be dependent upon where you live - if you are in the US, some (but few) academic institutions do offer paid family leave including to cover the birth or adoption of a child, and some (but few) offer subsidized or free childcare. I am a partnered parent and do not have either of these things at my institution and it has been incredibly hard to parent while an academic. We here in the US give a lot of lip service to "family values" but don't actually value families outside of an imaginary idealized 1950s white christian heteronormative middle class version all that much.
Quote from: Istiblennius on December 06, 2022, 03:12:42 PM
This may also be dependent upon where you live - if you are in the US, some (but few) academic institutions do offer paid family leave including to cover the birth or adoption of a child, and some (but few) offer subsidized or free childcare. I am a partnered parent and do not have either of these things at my institution and it has been incredibly hard to parent while an academic. We here in the US give a lot of lip service to "family values" but don't actually value families outside of an imaginary idealized 1950s white christian heteronormative middle class version all that much.
I agree with the basic contours of what you're saying, but somewhere around two thirds of institutions do give parental leave of some sort.
I'm sure it would be difficult, but having a kid is always difficult and there are no certainties. Unfortunately, deciding to have kids with someone else isn't a guarantee that they will always be there. I know people who didn't intend to become sole caregivers but ended up in that position for various reasons. I also know people who had a kid on their own and ended up with someone who took on full caregiving responsibilities. If it's what you want, you should do it, just make sure you have a clear eyed sense of what you are doing and why.
Quote from: Caracal on December 07, 2022, 09:42:12 AM
I'm sure it would be difficult, but having a kid is always difficult and there are no certainties. Unfortunately, deciding to have kids with someone else isn't a guarantee that they will always be there. I know people who didn't intend to become sole caregivers but ended up in that position for various reasons. I also know people who had a kid on their own and ended up with someone who took on full caregiving responsibilities. If it's what you want, you should do it, just make sure you have a clear eyed sense of what you are doing and why.
If someone chooses to have a child on their own, they need to really think carefully about who to appoint as a guardian for the child if they die. And, in my opinion, that guardian should be in the child's life in some significant way so that it's not a total shock for the child if the guardian ever needs to take over.
Quote from: Caracal on December 07, 2022, 09:22:24 AM
Quote from: Istiblennius on December 06, 2022, 03:12:42 PM
This may also be dependent upon where you live - if you are in the US, some (but few) academic institutions do offer paid family leave including to cover the birth or adoption of a child, and some (but few) offer subsidized or free childcare. I am a partnered parent and do not have either of these things at my institution and it has been incredibly hard to parent while an academic. We here in the US give a lot of lip service to "family values" but don't actually value families outside of an imaginary idealized 1950s white christian heteronormative middle class version all that much.
I agree with the basic contours of what you're saying, but somewhere around two thirds of institutions do give parental leave of some sort.
The leave of "some sort" is the crux. Paid or unpaid makes a big difference as does the length (federally mandated minimum or longer?)
Quote from: Istiblennius on December 07, 2022, 01:30:33 PM
Quote from: Caracal on December 07, 2022, 09:22:24 AM
Quote from: Istiblennius on December 06, 2022, 03:12:42 PM
This may also be dependent upon where you live - if you are in the US, some (but few) academic institutions do offer paid family leave including to cover the birth or adoption of a child, and some (but few) offer subsidized or free childcare. I am a partnered parent and do not have either of these things at my institution and it has been incredibly hard to parent while an academic. We here in the US give a lot of lip service to "family values" but don't actually value families outside of an imaginary idealized 1950s white christian heteronormative middle class version all that much.
I agree with the basic contours of what you're saying, but somewhere around two thirds of institutions do give parental leave of some sort.
The leave of "some sort" is the crux. Paid or unpaid makes a big difference as does the length (federally mandated minimum or longer?)
I think that is paid, but yes, you're definitely right.
My parental leave was paid--but instead of the 85% the contract specifies, HR interpreted things so that it was 35%. I'm still broke because of it, and have years to go before it's resolved in arbitration.
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on December 08, 2022, 07:19:45 AM
My parental leave was paid--but instead of the 85% the contract specifies, HR interpreted things so that it was 35%. I'm still broke because of it, and have years to go before it's resolved in arbitration.
That's horrible! You're at a Canadian institution--do you have a union grievance filed? (so at least you don't have to pay for the legal costs)
Quote from: Morden on December 10, 2022, 09:28:54 AM
Quote from: Parasaurolophus on December 08, 2022, 07:19:45 AM
My parental leave was paid--but instead of the 85% the contract specifies, HR interpreted things so that it was 35%. I'm still broke because of it, and have years to go before it's resolved in arbitration.
That's horrible! You're at a Canadian institution--do you have a union grievance filed? (so at least you don't have to pay for the legal costs)
Yes, the union is grieving it. But the process is projected to take years