My husband has just been diagnosed with the deadliest and most aggressive of all organ cancers. Average survival rate is less than a year. Given his age and the fact he has been in very poor health for a very long time, odds are he will be dead before the year is out.
When I told my chair, the second thing he asked me was "How's your book manuscript going?"
I get it. I'm that assistant professor who has taken too long to do what everyone else seems to do so easily. Thanks to major reconstructive surgery and a neurological disorder, I'm in pain every day of my life. I have PTSD. I'm disabled. I'm a sexual assault survivor. And now I will be widowed twice in 15 years.
Because my university (R1 - let's call it Moo State) is located in an isolated rural area, my husband and I are home on the east coast for the summer. We have access to two of the top five cancer centers in the country here. My chair is reluctant to discuss a duty-point exception for the fall (I'd teach online). He assumes I will return to Moo State this January. Maybe he'll luck out and my husband will croak before then.
Friends have suggested I take FMLA in the spring. I can't afford that; I'm carrying two mortgages (my husband's, a portion of my parents, who are now disabled, retired, unable to work, and subsisting off my father's pension) and renting my house at Moo. I might be able to sublease my Moo house for a year, but I would have to find a tenant quickly.
According to university regs, I am permitted a maximum leave of absence of one year. After that I will be terminated.
I am going back on the market, but in the recent past I've had very little luck. I get campus interviews at really good schools and am passed over for (no offense) young white men with Ivy degrees. (I'm a queer woman of color who went to the top state school in my field.)
I am at an impasse. I need to come up with fifteen grand to pay bills for the spring. I hate living in a place that slavers over Christian theocratic political candidates. There is nothing keeping me at Moo. Most of my colleagues are small-minded unambitious people who appear to resent my past success at winning prestigious fellowships. I have about five colleagues I can trust.
My best options are getting a part-time job while I'm on leave, or somehow making a goFundMe go viral (doubtful). I've considered online sex work but the risk to my career is too great.
Is there a way to convince my chair and higher-uos to let me teach remotely for a year? Or am I up shit creek?
I go up for tenure next fall. My chair has already said he does not want to grant me the tenure extension to which I am (apparently) legally entitled.
Even if I had tenure, I would not be better off, as Moo is in a state where tenure is under attack.
I am really sorry to hear about this situation. As someone who has been in a quite similar situation over the past couple of years, the first thing I would like to say is that statistics are statistics and might not be representative or apply to each individual patient. The second thing I would like to say is that doctors give you the worst of all odds just to be "safe" and I guess legally covered. And yes, I have seen top doctors being wrong about actual diagnosis and prognosis. Call it God, luck, destiny, or something else, you will fight this fight until things are over (one way or another). So do not lose your hope. I had never been religious, but I found religion (in the way I understand it) to have given me hope during this tough time.
Now about the rest of your post: do you or your husband have any disability insurance coverage through your employer? If so, it might be a good time to tap on it. I know some universities give you insurance coverage in case you need to take time off to care for family members. About your chair: please tell him to go f**k himself. Tap on your insurance coverage, if possible, take FMLA and hopefully when your husband will be doing better, you can search for a position at another university.
I sincerely wish you and your husband well.
I'm very sorry to hear of all this.
Usually, when people say, "Pick your battles," the battles aren't all happening at once on different territories, as yours seem to be.
Your partner's well-being and your own have to be your priorities--do you have any siblings or other famiiy members who could pick up your parents' mortgage? Now would be a good time for someone to step in there.
Re: book progress, do you have a friend who also needs to get writing done with whom you can do a 'writing contract' in which you update each other? I have three, one for every other day, plus I make use of the monthly research thread here. The May update thread is at:
I once edit/counseled a young man who could only spare 15 min. a day in the AM before taking his three kids to school and going off to teach himself how to make progress, para-by-para on his thesis, until he got it into a good-enough draft format that his advisor, who'd given up on him, took him back and helped him finish (he got the degree). His wife had MS and was wheel-chair bound, so he also had all the family chores to do at the end of the day...so there's objective hope that you could keep working on your book, however hard it is.
As research_prof notes, MDs are sometimes wrong, although the fast-acting cancers like those in the pancreas and liver are indeed nasty and have so far resisted the kinds of care regimes that have worked with other forms, so it's important both to be practically alert, and to retain a sense of hope.
It can be helpful to cultivate an awareness of whatever you perceive as good in the cosmos to be yours, too...by enumerating all those things that have benefitted you--even if you had to work for them--and cultivating a sense of gratitude, you strengthen your own resources and caring, and make it possible to go on, a day at a time.
This past year I've been part of a prayer team with two others for one member who's gone through breast CA treatment; her last radiation is today, in fact, and it has seemed as if it has helped her simply by giving her an audience in which it's OK to spell out all the tiny, huge, irritating, distressing, incomprehensible and/or logical issues she's faced; if you can curate such a group for yourself--even here, even if it's not prayer-focused, just for listening to and supporting you--that might also be of use.
Finally, is your chair's unhelpful attitude based in your non-heteronormative self-identification? If that's provable, a bit of sword-rattling might move them off dead center and towards thinking about how to be helpful instead of obstructive.
I mean, does s/he really want a court case on their hands?
If you have a faculty union, that might be another source of practical support, especially in knowing your rights and getting HR on board.
Some of this may sound like pablum if you've been there, done that already--condolences for your earlier bereavement, as well--but it's offered with good intentions and the desire to be supportive in whatever are the most helpful ways possible.
Keep us posted, we're here.
M.
@M: Some cases of pancreatic and liver cancer can be operable (depending on the case of course). Surgeons nowadays can do miracles. Visiting a surgeon that specializes in a specific type of cancer can be helpful.
Peace be with you, Brego. I hope for the best for you.
Quote from: research_prof on May 20, 2022, 06:04:47 AM
@M: Some cases of pancreatic and liver cancer can be operable (depending on the case of course). Surgeons nowadays can do miracles. Visiting a surgeon that specializes in a specific type of cancer can be helpful.
True, thanks for the reminder.
I also missed the edit window for posting the May research and writing thread, it's here:
http://thefora.org/index.php?topic=2929.msg104934#msg104934
M.
I'm really terribly sorry to this is happening to you.
I don't have great advice and I don't know you, but there are some wonderful R2s and regional comprehensives out there that would probably love to add you to their faculty, depending on your goals and interests. Use your disability insurance and FMLA if you can, enjoy the time you have with your partner, take the time you need to grieve. Eff your chair, who at best is kind of blundering in trying to support you and at worst is unkind and unfeeling. Extend your clock as much as you can, and even if you don't earn tenure you get a wind down of your contract. And then get back on that market when you feel ready.
I am very sorry as well!
Have you talked to anyone other than your Chair? There should be a procedure for requesting leaves and tenure clock extensions that isn't just at the whim of chairs. Check the faculty handbook.
Have you looked at what is available through your employee assistance program? It likely includes some sessions with a financial counselor who can help you think through the financial side of things. For example, I'm no expert, but your parents (and maybe your husband depending on age) may be eligible for a reverse mortgage that would let them stay in the home and get some equity out until they/their heirs sell it. Or, if you/he aren't living in the home your husband owns (that part wasn't clear to me, since you also mention renting in Moo-town), can you sell the house? It is still a seller's market right now.
I'm so sorry.
I second the suggestions to talk to someone else about your situation. In particular, HR and your faculty union rep. They will be able to tell you what's possible, and guide you through the process of doing it all, and ensuring that the department complies with the regulations. You mighy only get a one-year leave of absence as such, but there are likely other kinds of leave and extensions which are available to you, since you're in the position of caring for someone. They will know.
Quote from: research_prof on May 20, 2022, 06:04:47 AM
@M: Some cases of pancreatic and liver cancer can be operable (depending on the case of course). Surgeons nowadays can do miracles. Visiting a surgeon that specializes in a specific type of cancer can be helpful.
This is quite true. My mother-in-law collapsed one day and was diagnosed with aggressive ovarian cancer that had penetrated her bowel. Her GP got her to a specialist in gynecologic oncology and hu did indeed perform a miracle followed by several more miracles. Her initial diagnosis was six months and she lived for almost a decade. There were definitely some rough patches but the quality of her life was still pretty good, and she was an absolutely terrible patient.
Seconding the good wishes, and I hope you'll be able to take some of the suggestions here.
Oh, Brego, I am so sorry to hear about all this difficult news.
Your chair is a pile of #*&*. Your chair is lower than the lowest scum of the earth. Few of us have a chance to make a real difference in the suffering in this world. Your chair had a chance, and chose to add to it. I have nothing but fury in response to him.
I was in a similar situation when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My chair said, "You go take care of her. Take as long as you need. We'll figure it out." They did something clever with sick leave until FMLA kicked in, and they covered my classes in some way that I never figured out because they did not bother me about it one bit, they just made all the arrangements and left me free to work on my own problems. That is the only possible humane response.
These days, with online teaching so common and so easy, what could possibly be the justification for not letting you do it in these circumstances? I'm asking rhetorically. Do you have any allies or reasonable people at higher echelons, perhaps a dean? Someone who can hand down from on high the instructions to let you teach online for a year? Or even someone who will warn your chair that if they lose you, they will not be granted a line to replace you? (And that therefore they should do what they can to keep you.)
If you have an employee handbook, get a copy and read it carefully. If you have a union, get the union on the case. I would also suggest a canny lawyer, who can tell you what decisions on the part of the chair might be actionable. If it's all going to fall apart, the threat of a lawsuit might keep your chair and university in line, if sheer human decency does not. In particular they should never try to get away with not granting you a legally deserved tenure extension. No way, no how.
In my experience, the approach that has the best chance of succeeding is to present all the problems to the relevant higher-up (your chair, or if he is completely irrational, someone higher) with the solutions all neatly appended. Something like, "I know we both want my classes to continue to be taught well and on time, and for my book work to continue, and for everything to run smoothly. And of course on my end I also want my husband to continue to have access to the best cancer treatment available. So I think our best way of ensuring all that would be for me to move my classes online to be asynchronous -- my fall 'Basketweaving Intro' classes and then my spring 'Advanced Baskets' and the two 'Basket Workshops.' Of course the extra advantage of this is that we will get those students who want online classes in our field, where we're lagging behind Western Moo U. in our online numbers, so that will help that constituency and let us know how the online numbers will look for future years. Does that look good to you too, or are there some ideas you have for adjustments?" Of course emphasize the advantages to him, whatever they might be.
I'm so sorry you have to hassle with all this, with everything else you have on your plate. Keep us posted if you can. We're here rooting for you.
Thanks, all. And thanks to Hegemony in particular. I remember you from the old boards way back when.
Talked to trusted tenured colleague in my department who says, "We HAVE to accommodate you." Apparently the chair has been handing out favors for faculty who want to teach remotely from their temporary European posts, and, more important, faculty with legitimate health risks related to pandemic. Colleague also said that, if I want to, I should take every single tenure extension I'm entitled to
I talk to the associate chair (trusted colleague's spouse) tomorrow.
Just thinking about having to find another job in all of this makes me want to throw up.
p.s.
The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic. He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years. The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.
Quote from: Brego on May 21, 2022, 08:04:58 PM
p.s.
The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic. He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years. The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.
I am so, so sorry. I've lost several family members to cancer and my wife is a cancer survivor. All my thoughts and prayers go out to you, for whatever that is worth.
Quote from: Brego on May 21, 2022, 08:04:58 PM
p.s.
The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic. He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years. The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.
I am really sorry to hear that. I will just mention again that you should not lose hope. From what I have seen and been told so far oncologists do not know much about what is operable or not. They simply know what the books say. They know that MD books say: "cancer X that has penetrated organ Y in this way is not operable". Oncologists (unless they are also trained surgeons) know what type of chemo a patient should be given. Some top ones could provide good guidance when it's time to do chemo or a surgery. But in general they are not the experts on whether something is operable.
You should visit a surgeon. Surgeons will ask for CT scans/MRIs (you most probably have them already!) and draw a conclusion based on the situation of each individual patient. I really believe a visit to a top surgeon that specializes in this type of cancer might be helpful. And even top surgeons cannot know for sure what is going on inside a patient until the patient is in the operations room (scans are not 100% reliable or accurate), but they can draw a conclusion about whether anything can be done about a patient.
Remote teaching from Europe at the whim of the chair! I'm all for flexibility, but if colleagues are teaching remotely from Europe, there is no damn way you should be prohibited from teaching remotely.
I'm glad you have your associate chair and your trusted colleague as reasonable, decent people. I trust they'll go to bat for you. It's a relief that someone sane is in the equation.
Although I know people are trying to be sunny and optimistic over the chances of outlasting the doctor's forecast, I also know that the painful truth is that many dire forecasts are very accurate. If your husband defies the odds, it will be a delightful surprise. Meanwhile I'm glad you're planning as if things will be just as serious as forecast — that's the best way to take care of yourself as well as him.
I hope you can gather as many sources of support as is feasible. My friends who have been through this found cancer and/or caregiver support groups very helpful. The one I attended was not helpful, but I know many are, so maybe you can check out one that's local to you. And hard and awkward as it is, let everyone who offers to help do something. People feel a lot better when they can do something, however minor (picking up groceries, mowing grass, offering an ear or a cup of tea). And although we're just voices on the internet, we're here too.
Quote from: research_prof on May 21, 2022, 10:20:10 PM
Quote from: Brego on May 21, 2022, 08:04:58 PM
p.s.
The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic. He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years. The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.
I am really sorry to hear that. I will just mention again that you should not lose hope. From what I have seen and been told so far oncologists do not know much about what is operable or not. They simply know what the books say. They know that MD books say: "cancer X that has penetrated organ Y in this way is not operable". Oncologists (unless they are also trained surgeons) know what type of chemo a patient should be given. Some top ones could provide good guidance when it's time to do chemo or a surgery. But in general they are not the experts on whether something is operable.
You should visit a surgeon. Surgeons will ask for CT scans/MRIs (you most probably have them already!) and draw a conclusion based on the situation of each individual patient. I really believe a visit to a top surgeon that specializes in this type of cancer might be helpful. And even top surgeons cannot know for sure what is going on inside a patient until the patient is in the operations room (scans are not 100% reliable or accurate), but they can draw a conclusion about whether anything can be done about a patient.
R_p, that's not how it works. (I've worked in hospitals; surgeons do not trump oncologists: both, seeing mets all over the place, would say the same thing. Opening up a person with mets speeds up the spread by exposing them to oxygen; if you could persuade any surgeon in their right mind to do that, they'd immediately have to close them up and call hospice.) Let it go or take it offline.
Brego needs our support and affirmation in a serious situation. Playing it down is tone-deaf and unhelpful.
False hopes are distracting, and energy-draining, even just in expending energy to have to ignore them.
Let it go. True hope comes from facing whatever needs to be faced and moving forward.
Brego, we're here for you.
How can we help?
M.
Thank you, M.
Hegemony, you have always been lovely. Thank you.
Associate chair says it will be a tough sell. Nobody has met the new dean yet (castle thunder). Lot of movement in the provost's office, too. And of course everyone is dreadfully unhappy that I have not surmounted decades of trauma and physical agony and finished my book.
I've written to my dissertation advisor (always supportive), another well-known full prof in my field whom I trust, and my mentor - Oxbridge man who is the very top person in the field. Hoping someone will have advice.
For the time being I will see if I can get a part-time customer service phone job from home. Going to need to save up money. Husband and I are in the process of transferring everything into my name, etc. And we are laughing and snuggling as much as we can.
Will update as I have news.
I am very sorry about your situation. I can't offer any advice regarding your job situation or the cancer diagnosis. My daughter was a rape victim 18 months ago and was diagnosed with PTSD. She started EMDR earlier this year and both she and I think it had been helpful. It's not a miracle cure and she feels drained and down after a session but over the last 3 months, I've seen improvement. Our insurance has covered it. You might check it out if you haven't already tried it. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry that your spouse is dying.
I agree with Hegemony about your chair. If possible, try to document the arbitrary dispensation of online teaching accommodations and present the information to HR and administration. Demand that the tenure clock be temporarily suspended. Look for relevant provisions in the faculty handbook that you can cite. If you have a union, get it involved.
My wife had FMLA leave to care for a dying parent. FMLA is unpaid, but she was able to arrange a paid leave of absence for a semester. There are also situations when personal accrued paid sick leave can be applied to an FMLA situation. This depends on state regulations and policies of your specific employer. Speak to a knowledgeable person in HR. This might be helpful: https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/oasp/legacy/files/paidleavefinalrulecomparison.pdf (https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/oasp/legacy/files/paidleavefinalrulecomparison.pdf).
I know you are juggling lots of balls at the moment, but a cancer support group can be very helpful. The oncology clinic at whatever hospital your spouse is using should be able to provide contact info for a good group. The hospital might even run one in-house.
Edited to add:
I assume your university's current fiscal year ends June 30, which is why summer is the season for new administrators. I recommend pushing now for whatever accommodations you can get, rather than waiting. If you get a negative response, you can always try again with new admins later in the summer.
Your husband is going to need care and support during the fall semester. Sounds unlikely that this will happen in Mooville, given the current proximity of his medical team and high-quality care. I assume you are now living in his house with the mortgage. You do not want to be commuting back and forth. I think you should try to sublet the house in Mooville. Maybe there are new hires coming into town, find out if any are interested.
Disclaimer: I tend to be very proactive in this kinds of situations because I've learned the hard way that no one else is going to take the initiative. Talk to your husband about what he thinks.
I'm so sorry about your situation! A lot of good advice/ideas have already been shared, and I thought I would add a few more I have not seen (or missed).
A few things worth checking:
- When I needed to take FMLA, it was possible to use my sick leave for a paid FMLA. I don't know if this is true for everywhere. Some universities have shared sick leave programs where people who quit can donate their sick leave for others to use for paid leave (I did this when I left a job). If you work at one of these places, you can work with them to have a paid FMLA. HR will know whether this is the case. They are often not very forthcoming with this information until you specifically ask.
- Even if you don't have an FMLA bank program, FMLA can be partial, e.g. if you have enough sick leave to cover the equivalent of time for your teaching and service, you can negotiate with your dean to keep your paid research (or some of your courses that can be online) and use your sick leave as paid FMLA. So, your salary would be X% our job and Y% FMLA.
It sounds like you need money for the summer, so here are some alternatives to part-time call center work/online sex work:
- Check around whether your university has small professional development funds (e.g. through the union) you can tap into for small summer stipends. You may be able to get something or even cobble together part of what you need.
- Can you borrow against your retirement funds? Some places allow this, and your HR will know the answer. Not ideal, but again, considering the alternatives, it may be worth it.
- Sounds like you own a home – do you have enough equity to get a heloc loan (I think the minimum loan you need to get is around 15-20K and what you currently owe on the home and your loan cannot be more than 80-90% of your home value)? They are usually much lower APR than credit card or personal loans and you can pay them back over longer periods of time.
- If you have multiple cars and can downsize to just one car, used car prices are through the roof right now and it may be worth selling one. Would also help with cutting recurring costs like insurance.
- If you don't want to sell your car, then you can try to see if you can re-finance it. Again, the prices are very high, so you may have a much larger equity in it than you think, and you may be able to get some cash out in the refinancing process. Some places also offer skipping payments for a few months if you move your car loans there (both my FCUs offered this, but maybe banks offer them as well). This is not ideal either, so you may want to make sure to have gap insurance, but given your alternatives, this may work for you to give you breathing room.
- If you have major credit cards and a decent credit history, you may be able to get a personal loan (5K-15K) at a decent rate. You can usually check this and the details of their offer through your credit card's online portal without a hard check on your credit and then decide.
- Check around to see if your area community college(s) may need summer courses taught. I got teaching jobs doing this, and at CCs this is pretty normal. In fact, you may be able to teach in disciplines other than your main area of expertise (usually they need an MA and 18 credit hours in the field you want to teach in). You can also check online adjunct jobs at CCs – they are usually quicker to hire than universities and they usually offer online courses. If you are not on contract during the summer, usually it is ok to work for another institution, but check your university contract/regulations.
Also, sounds like you want to stay where you are due to better medical facilities and not go back to your university for now. I know it is not for everyone, but a full-time job at a community college at your current location may give you surprisingly excellent salary and benefits (including outstanding health insurance) as well as flexibility in teaching (some or all of your courses online) and getting paid for teaching overload courses. A CC would also not care whether you publish your book or not. CC searches are much faster and tend to focus on local applicants. If you can get a 2-year leave from your current university and find work locally, that may give you some room to concentrate on your spouse. In this sense, taking a specialized staff job, or a mid-executive job at a CC may also help you finding this flexibility. We often have a hard time filling these jobs with qualified applicants.
Hope you are able to find a solution that works for you right now and I wish you and your spouse all the very best!
Hi Brego:
I lurk a lot and almost never post on these fora, and used to do the same on the CHE fora.
I am really sorry for the multiple difficult situations you are facing, and that your Chair is being a how-to of what-not-to-do.
In addition to the other excellent suggestions you got, here is one more that may work for you. If you take FMLA, that is without pay, i.e. you will not get a paycheck. Please keep in mind that you will have to pay your health insurance premiums out of your own pocket, because those are normally cut from your paycheck and if no paycheck then there is no way to cut that.
In my University which is a stingy state school in a red state, so you may have a similar provision, there is something called 'salary continuation'. There is an application that goes from you to your Chair who has to approve it and then route it up from Dean to Provost. This covers at least 1-2 months of your FMLA lost salary.
This can be really helpful if your Chair will be supportive. Maybe the Dean will be supportive and you can backtrack preemptively to your Chair to get that signature.
You said you are paying part of your parents' mortgage as they are elderly, disabled, and fixed-income. Will they qualify for any form of federal or state assistance? Moreover, banks sometimes are willing to suspend payments for a few months for people in exigent circumstances - but check this thoroughly as the bank will likely expect a full balloon payment of the entire sum owing when the suspended payment period is over.
Can you and your parents get with a social worker who can help them navigate all this and other options for you? And do the same for yourself and spouse? The hospitals - especially large cancer hospitals - have such people on staff or can refer you to an appropriate person. It would be really great to get 2-3 hours of time with a person who has this expertise and you just have to fill out the paperwork rather than do the research yourself.
I really hope that your Chair comes through for you with remote work options.
The idea of micro-dosing your pending book manuscript (15 or 30 minutes a day) is great. I have used this method through some really bleak times in my life and those small slices of time and output do add up, you make discernible progress, and feel less helpless.
I wish you and your spouse all the best. I am so glad that you and he can spend time just loving each other.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband, your unsupportive chair, and the numerous financial and other pressures that are burdening you at this moment. There is great practical advice on this thread and I hope first that your chair shapes up and second that you can find a balance between income and FMLA that will let you maximize your time with your husband. Keep laughing and snuggling. Savor this time above all.
Recent issues in my personal life, with parents rather than my spouse, have made me rethink some of my approaches to work vs. family. Debt is awful and soul-crushing, and dealing with that debt while grieving is also awful, but time with a loved one feels irreplaceable. In the very worst of circumstances, would it be worth it to you to accrue debt for a year to in order to have extra time with your husband? Or can you borrow against the value of his house and plan to sell it later?
My other comment is about your book. If you want to finish it this year (and it is okay if you don't--as everyone has commented, your chair is being completely unreasonable), do you have a colleague or academic friend (or several such) who might be willing to schedule shared writing time? I meet a colleague online regularly for a quick catch-up followed by an hour or two of writing: we set goals for each hour and check in periodically to report on our progress. Having the decompression of friendly conversation could be positive for you in the midst of what may be a very bleak year, and I have found that people respect my writing time more if I frame it as "meeting with a colleague" rather than "need two hours to write." You will need support and encouragement this year, and I hope you can find ways to seek it now and schedule it for some of the harder days.
AR.
Dear Brego,
I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. Poiuy and others gave excellent advice pertaining to oncology social workers and potential mortgage and other forms of assistance. I will add that your university's Title IX officer should be contacted immediately. They are legally empowered to investigate and assist with gendered/sex-based issues such as your need to provide caregiving for your spouse. They can also help you navigate the stop clock option and obtain an accommodation in terms of duty location. Title IX functions at a level higher than your Chair who will have to comply.
Good Luck!
Chair wrote. I'm teaching remotely through August 2023.
Going to talk to the ombudsman about extending the tenure clock.
In answer to suggestions: I don't have a second car and my car is long paid off; I'm hesitant to tap into the equity because I really don't want to take on more debt; the parental mortgage is in a relative's name and not mine or my parents; I've been trying to sublet the Mooville house with little success, since most students have acquired housing at this point. There is no faculty union per state law. Odds are I'll have to crowdfund money to pay for things like cremation.
If I could somehow sublet the Moo house I'd be okay.
I appreciate those of you who've been helpful.
Brego, Just seeing this thread, and am relieved to see your last post with breathing space. I've been in this situation (before I was on the TT). Spork and Poiuy's suggestions would have been helpful to me, and I hope you are able to find the support you need and deserve. Thank you for keeping us posted.
Thank goodness you have the remote teaching through the 2022/2023 academic year. Is there a way to advertise the house for subletting to new faculty? You might ask who does new faculty orientation and see if they have a way to pass along the info.
Wishing you and your spouse strength together.
Quote from: Brego on June 03, 2022, 11:03:11 AM
Chair wrote. I'm teaching remotely through August 2023.
Going to talk to the ombudsman about extending the tenure clock.
In answer to suggestions: I don't have a second car and my car is long paid off; I'm hesitant to tap into the equity because I really don't want to take on more debt; the parental mortgage is in a relative's name and not mine or my parents; I've been trying to sublet the Mooville house with little success, since most students have acquired housing at this point. There is no faculty union per state law. Odds are I'll have to crowdfund money to pay for things like cremation.
If I could somehow sublet the Moo house I'd be okay.
I appreciate those of you who've been helpful.
This might sound cold but it's coming from a place of sympathy and some similar personal experience:
The mortgage on your parent's house is your relative's responsibility.
Maybe you are already doing this, but the Mooville house needs to be advertised through a property management firm or real estate brokerage that handles rentals, rather than solely by word of mouth. A couple or family could rent it for a full twelve months at minimum. If you contract with a property manager, you will lose a percentage of the rent but you won't need to burden yourself psychologically with the hassle of being a landlord.
I say "at minimum" because it sounds like you hate Mooville and recognize that the job there isn't the golden, most often mythical, career in academe that it was presented as. Will you be inheriting your spouse's home? Does it have equity? Will mortgage P & I and tax payments be affordable after your husband dies? If the answers are yes, I would seriously start thinking about transitioning to another job, especially one that is outside of academia. This could be in your current location (you continue to live in the house you're in now) or elsewhere (you sell the house).
Edited to add: the above is an example of what my non-American wife calls "your people's habit of mansplaining."
To piggy-back on that, some schools run small RE agency-like bulletin boards (physically or online or both) for people coming to do a year's research residency in an area where there are other schools, or are on sabbatical, etc.
Listing with them is often also an option. Some run house-swap connection boards as well as straight-out rental boards; other departments in your school may also have their own intranet sites for this--it's more common in the sciences than the humanities, by my observation, but that would mean you get someone more likely to be reliable and understanding about the need to keep the place up nicely.
And bondable.
M.
I'm so sorry. Agree with your colleague that you should take every opportunity to extend your clock. We have tenure track faculty who have extended their clocks up to 4 years. And our provost's office says we can't really terminate the contract of people during the year(s) their clock is not ticking.
I'm so glad you have clearance to teach remotely for a while. That's one piece of this enormous puzzle that doesn't have to be worried about, at least. It's good to have something go right.
I do echo other colleagues comments....I am SO SORRY you are going through this situation. Warm hugs.
Honestly, it seems as if tenure track stoppage was started for this sort of situation (intensive family care), so, yes, continue to explore that.
But as others have said, even If I (and we) can't be of very much direct help, we very much are ready to help in the minor ways we can, and of course send out warmest feelings to you.
I'm very sorry to hear this. I wish you the absolute best in a terrible situation.
I wonder about discussing with (your version of) the Dean of Faculty in your College? Maybe they will be able to discuss the options that are rightfully available to you, without the attitude.
Thanks to all of you for the kind words of support. I did not think anyone was reading this thread any more. I am buoyed to know that people care.
A new junior faculty member moved into my Moo place for the next year. A friend happens to know them, so I'm assured the place is in good hands.
I have raised enough money to pay for some of my husband's end-of-life care and his cremation. Keeping his home is something I have always meant to do; it's close to my elderly parents, it's in a location essential to my academic work and many potential non-academic jobs, and it's a safe place to land in the event I am denied tenure. Unlike Moo, it is a place that feels very much like home.
Some weeks ago the department chair told me that I would be "a great deal less anxious" if I finished my manuscript. I wish I had the presence of mind to do so, and the time. It is awfully hard to write when one is experiencing existential dread and occasional suicidal ideation. But, of course, that is only my opinion.
The Dean of the College is brand new. No one knows how to pronounce his name. No one knows anything about him, in fact. [Castle thunder]. The Provost, however, seems like a kind and thoughtful person. Likewise the university president, to whom I have spoken privately and at length on more than one occasion. I am also in possession of a canny lawyer, though I hope it does not come to that.
My husband is handling chemotherapy astonishingly well. That is more important to me than anything.
Thank you again for your ideas and your help. I'll be updating this thread as things progress.
Keep the faith, Brego.
Here's wishing you the best. You are obviously very strong. Please keep us informed.
Also continuing to think of you.
If it's any help--and it may not be, but if it is--you'd be welcome to join us on the monthly Research thread, where we log various kinds of progress at whatever interval suits.
It's here:
https://thefora.org/index.php?topic=3017.60
All good thoughts.
M.
Thinking of you, Brego, and glad to hear that the Moo house is taken care of and that the chemo is going well. Keep us posted as you can.
I am glad that the house is rented and you're able to teach remotely while you spend time with your spouse. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for the update. That's a lot more good news than was in the first post. Hang tight, and bon courage, as we say.
My husband's in the ICU. He was in severe sepsis the other night. We hope to go home in a few days.
More than one person in my department has implied that taking another extension will have a negative effect on my tenure case. They are trying to dissuade me from doing it. I'm legally entitled to another extension. If I take another year, how can my use it against me? I'm guessing they would claim there are other grounds to deny me tenure, whatever those might be.
I am now my husband's full-time caretaker. We can't afford to hire full-time help until he's in the hospice stage. I do not know how I can manage a household, work full time, work part time to pick up extra money that we desperately need, and take care of a dying spouse without taking more time on the clock.
I am really tired of people telling me I am "strong." I am not superhuman, although apparently I am supposed to be.
Sometimes--not always--when people think they're complimenting you by saying you're strong, they're just giving themselves an out for either recognizing they couldn't do the same, or excusing themselves from helping or being more empathic.
Eliphaz the Temanite comes to mind.
We're with you, keep posting.
All good thoughts as you seek a pathway though this morass.
M.
Brego, I've PM'd you. Sending good thoughts (and maybe some practical help in the PM).
Quote from: Brego on August 24, 2022, 11:06:30 AM
More than one person in my department has implied that taking another extension will have a negative effect on my tenure case. They are trying to dissuade me from doing it. I'm legally entitled to another extension. If I take another year, how can my use it against me? I'm guessing they would claim there are other grounds to deny me tenure, whatever those might be.
Those people are not thinking clearly about the overwhelming chance that you would win the lawsuit which all your friends and supporters would urge you to file. If anyone in university administration is thinking clearly, they will know not to touch this issue with a ten-foot pole, and they will let you sail on through to tenure as you are entitled to.
I'm so sorry about the ICU — that sounds scary and stressful. I know this must be a nightmare on every possible level. You have a passel of people out here in internet land wishing you strength and peace.
Quote from: Hegemony on August 24, 2022, 12:38:48 PM
I'm so sorry about the ICU — that sounds scary and stressful. I know this must be a nightmare on every possible level. You have a passel of people out here in internet land wishing you strength and peace.
+1
QuoteQuote from: Brego on Today at 14:06:30
More than one person in my department has implied that taking another extension will have a negative effect on my tenure case. They are trying to dissuade me from doing it. I'm legally entitled to another extension. If I take another year, how can my use it against me? I'm guessing they would claim there are other grounds to deny me tenure, whatever those might be.
Those people are not thinking clearly about the overwhelming chance that you would win the lawsuit which all your friends and supporters would urge you to file. If anyone in university administration is thinking clearly, they will know not to touch this issue with a ten-foot pole, and they will let you sail on through to tenure as you are entitled to.
Agree.
Don't let the idiots get you down.
M.
Best of luck, Brego. That is terrible. You have awful colleagues.
I am very sorry that your spouse is in the ICU. At this point you need to focus on taking care of your spouse and yourself. If people are bringing up what might happen in your tenure case if you do this or don't do that, they are inhumane. Ignore them as much as you can for now (of course, if they are so foolhardy as to put these thoughts in written form, save the messages for much later in case you need them). But for right now focus on what is important.
Thanks as always, Hegemony.
My lawyer has a long and successful track record in civil litigation. I'm prepared, if it comes to that.
Hi Brego:
I am so sorry you are going through these bleak times and I wish you and your partner a peaceful journey and as soft a landing as possible.
Your colleagues seem to lack basic decency, and also lack common sense if they will give you a hard time for leave that you are legally entitled to. Document all their ass-hattery to deploy as needed (one more thing on the to-do list, alas). I am glad that you have a competent lawyer willing to represent you (many won't take you if your case is not strong).
Dare we hope that your Chair, Dean, and other key players are less inhumane / have a better grasp of the situation?
All the very best through these days,
Continued thoughts.
M.