Why Prospective Parents Want a Specific Sex

[Istiblennius]

With my first, I (kind of) was hoping for a girl. Mostly because I am cis-female and was thinking about having the shared experience and ability to relate to my future child. I also spent far too much time doomscrolling on the rates of developmental delays in boys being higher. And then, firstborn was assigned male at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I am crazy about him. Two years later, all I wanted was another boy. And guess what... secondborn was assigned female at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I'm crazy about her. I do have to laugh at your SO thinking a girl might be easier. My experience has been the opposite, but every kid is different.

And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.

[marshwiggle]

And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.

That's small potatoes compared to a child whose species identity does not match their birth assignment.What do you do when your kid self-identifies as a dinosaur? That is a very real human experience.

[Istiblennius]

I'm pretty sure both of mine did identify as dinosaurs for a period of time during preschool.

[dismalist]

Why isn't there a market for this stuff? Auction the unwanted kids off to the highest bidder.

The difficulty is that we want our own children, made from our own genes, so we don't want to trade. Wishes differentiating between desirability of boys and girls may well lead to selective abortion. If the proportions aren't right, there'll be one hell of a lot of unhappy children.

This is not a plea for doing something for humanity. Rather, it's a plea to think of one's own childrens' interests as part of one's own.

And that's pretty easy: The natural ratio of male to female births is about 105 to 100, on account we males are so delicate. Just don't mess with it.

[mythbuster]

Modern flow cytometry techniques can be used to separate sperm based on relative weight. This results in an enriched population that is very X chromosome enriched. So if you really want a girl, modern medicine can reliably make that happen. It doesn't work as reliably to positive select for Y chromosome bearing sperm.

[Juvenal]

Why isn't there a market for this stuff? Auction the unwanted kids off to the highest bidder.

The difficulty is that we want our own children, made from our own genes, so we don't want to trade. Wishes differentiating between desirability of boys and girls may well lead to selective abortion. If the proportions aren't right, there'll be one hell of a lot of unhappy children.

This is not a plea for doing something for humanity. Rather, it's a plea to think of one's own childrens' interests as part of one's own.

And that's pretty easy: The natural ratio of male to female births is about 105 to 100, on account we males are so delicate. Just don't mess with it.

And males die at an increased rate all the way to the end.  End?  Not all of us XYs.  My father was pure gold when widowed and in assisted living.  He married two of the women there.  Not all at once, of course.  The last (he gave up at ninety-four) outlived him by a year or so.

[smallcleanrat]

It is potentially concerning.  Would your SO be a devoted and loving parent to ALL of your children?  Or would he show blatant favoritism if you had a boy and then a girl?  Or what if you have a girl -  is he going to be upset if you want a second child (girl = done)?
If you had a really difficult pregnancy (or delivery), would he support you if you said you can't go through that again?
Adoption is a long, expensive process. The more restrictions you have (age, race, gender, etc), the longer it takes.

You two need to be on the same page about how many kids, regardless of gender.

My grandmother had six living children, all of them were boys.

These are all really good points/questions. SO and I have had some conversations about them, and talked through different scenarios.

He absolutely would support me if, after Kid #1, I told him I couldn't handle having a second. I'm not outright against the idea of more than one kid. I just realize that how I feel about having more will have a lot to do with how we are handling the first. If we feel we are at or close to our limits in terms of time, health, and finances, then the first kid will probably stay the only kid.

SO says if that means we only have a boy (or boys), "I'll deal. I would still be happy to be a father, and I would still love them." I would just hope that any disappointment over not having a girl doesn't linger and lead to pining.

With my first, I (kind of) was hoping for a girl. Mostly because I am cis-female and was thinking about having the shared experience and ability to relate to my future child. I also spent far too much time doomscrolling on the rates of developmental delays in boys being higher. And then, firstborn was assigned male at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I am crazy about him. Two years later, all I wanted was another boy. And guess what... secondborn was assigned female at birth and has continued to identify as such. And I'm crazy about her. I do have to laugh at your SO thinking a girl might be easier. My experience has been the opposite, but every kid is different.

And I have to ask - what would your SO do with a child whose gender identity does not match their birth assignment. That is a very real human experience, so I would encourage anyone considering parenting to consider that possibility as well.

We've discussed this as well. SO says he would do his best to be understanding and supportive. Again, "I'll deal."



I try to keep reminding him that the kid in real-life may turn out drastically different from the kid in his fantasies, even if we do have a girl. Personally, I'm trying to have as few expectations as possible. Obviously, I hope they are healthy, but the kid we get is the kid we get, fantasies notwithstanding. We'll just have to roll with it.

But maybe I'm being too hard on him. It's pretty normal to fantasize about your future child, isn't it?

[Istiblennius]

It seems totally normal to fantasize about a future child. I think its fine as long as you acknowledge it is just that - fantasizing. The truth is your approach about expectations tracks with kids - they'll be who they are and sometimes all you can do is love them.

[Parasaurolophus]

I think that the disappointment, such as it is, will evaporate once the child is concrete. For us, that was while it was still gestating. But caring for a helpless thing tends to win you over to its side pretty quickly and thoroughly.

Edit: it would be nice if my phone did not automatically 'correct' 'its' to 'it's'.

[Caracal]

I think that the disappointment, such as it is, will evaporate once the child is concrete. For us, that was while it was still gestating. But caring for a helpless thing tends to win you over to it's side pretty quickly and thoroughly.

Yeah, and the frustrations, disappointments and anxieties involved are also likely to come as a surprise. I suspect that your SO is anxious that he won't love a child enough, and he's fixating on gender as a way to focus that anxiety. Once a kid actually exists, you have a whole series of other things to worry about, and you get to do it with very little sleep or time to yourself. Loving the baby isn't usually the problem, its figuring out how to manage that love without trying to control everything as your life becomes divided into segments built around the random habits of a tiny human who is a ball of need and want.