Nominations for Future Olympic Events

[the_geneticist]

For the Winter Olympics: driveway shoveling - extra points if you can fling it into a neighbors yard.  Curling while ice fishing - points for sliding the rocks, catching fish, and drinking PBR while perched on a bucket.  Points lost for frostbite.
For the Summer Olympics: golf with abundant wildlife hazards - extra points for dodging the angry geese, hungry ducks, and lounging alligators.  Ultimate frisbee - teams formed at random based on shirt color, extra points for amazing catches, medals entirely optional as long as there is free beer.

[mahagonny]

Baseball --- the tobacco juice spitting derby

[mahagonny]

Competitive eating

Followed by competitive imposing on the health care system.

[Stockmann]

Thesis-defending: The athlete must protect a book at all costs from a committee hurling daggers and pointed questions (and just generally hurling), using a ladle or butter knife or some other ill-suited instruments as defensive weapons. Must also confront an Infernal Examiner (whips of fire and phrases like "You shall not pass!" optional).

Tenure-wrangling: The athlete must first undergo various propitiatory rituals to appease the Ancient Ones, such as blood-letting or doing grunt work in a committee. Then, after the traditional Morituri te salutant, the athlete must face, with a wooden sword, various instances of combat against say, lions, bears or crocodiles, while possibly being required to jump through hoops on fire in between. If the athlete prevails, a committee then votes and if pleased (thumbs up) may quote the tale of Griselidis; if the committee is displeased (thumbs down) then the Cadaver Synod may be used as reference and precedent.