chronic illness/pain and productivity

[Brego]

Used to be on the fora a long time ago while I was a contingent lecturer.  4/4 load that became a 5/5 at $32,000 a year.  Published my way out of a deeply dysfunctional department. 

Got a tenure-track job and a nationally prestigious long-term fellowship within 24 hours of one another on the same day that dysfunctional department told me I was being replaced by a t-t line.  The decision to let me go to fellowship infuriated the man who is now going to be the head of my tenure committee.  I took the fellowship, made up for lost time as much as I could.  "This is not just about writing," one of my mentors told me.  "This is also about recuperation." 

I finished the fellowship, began at my department, was told in my first peer eval that I was a "superb teacher" and all that.  End of Year 2 I win three nationally prestigious fellowships.  My chair arranged for me to take two.  Was on leave for nearly 18 months.  Got rent paid for by my university in a very expensive city.  I felt really good. 

But then the trouble began.  Excruciating pain, monthly episodes in which I had to be rescued by EMTs and taken to the ER, was in all instances regarded as having drug-seeking behavior because the hospital was in an inner-city area known for drug issues.  I got some relief when I found my current anesthesiologist but 18 months of fellowships did not result in a finished book.  When I got back to my department, I found out that colleagues had repeatedly asked my chair "Is she coming back?"  Also had colleagues asking me how peer review was going or whether the manuscript was in press.  It was painful to tell the truth but I had no choice.  I discovered that among some colleagues there was an enormous amount of jealousy and resentment about my success with fellowships.  They did not know about my illness.  I went through third-year review while on fellowship.  Vote was unanimous but someone wrote an anonymous comment that was petty and resentful.  Other colleagues know about the comment and agree that it was written by someone with an agenda.

Colleague who will head my committee has publicly and loudly remarked that I am not interested in "coming back" to our department, has made remarks about "ALL the work I have to do."  I find this unsettling.

My most recent semester (spring) was very bad.  In constant pain, had to take benzos occasionally just to stay on my feet.  Not a good combination for good teaching.  Had a large lecture class where there were numerous instances of student-on-student bigotry (I am located in an extremely conservative state), student trauma (which I dealt with) and academic dishonesty.

I have just had major surgery in hopes of stemming the pain issues.  On medical leave with pay for the entire semester; I am on reduced duties in the spring, teaching one seminar one night a week.  I get a one-year extension on the tenure-track.  I have heard that resentment rears itself again among colleagues.  Only a few of my colleagues have bothered to ask about my recovery (everyone knows about it - the chair made an announcement).  Makes me wonder if there is something afoot. 

I should mention the the department has lost ten assistant professors in the last decade.  Not an exaggeration.  People have left for other jobs - t-t or outside of ac. 

I am four weeks out from the operation, in daily pain, in a drug-induced fog.  Right before the operation I submitted an essay for [again] a prestigious press and have another lined up for the same press in the spring.  I also have an article under review and two in development (now on pause). 

Medications are not working.  In the past the pain has been so bad that I have considered suicide.  I have stood at the kitchen sink with an eight-inch knife on my forearm.  Add to all this the fact that I had a year of chemotherapy right after getting the doctorate, was then widowed, and will be widowed again within the next few years (my husband is terminally ill.)  My dog died, too, before I was diagnosed with cancer.

My chair is upbeat, positive, caring.  I have a faculty mentor whom I trust but very few others to whom I can speak.  I like to think I am a collegial colleague.  I stay out of people's way.  I do my work.  I perform my service duties and contribute (carefully) to faculty meetings.  I am generally well-liked by upperclassmen.  My graduate students and I get along very well, though other students accuse me of being too rigorous. 

I do not know how I will finish my book by the end of this year in order to stay on track to tenure.  I meet with my editor (a lion in the field) in the next couple of weeks to discuss the manuscript.  He is kind and caring - knows about my situation, my husband's illness.  I am about thirty pages out from the end.  Need to revise the intro and wrote a conclusion but at this point I do not know how to find the strength.  When have asked for advice in the past, have been told I should "get out of the way" for those who are healthy.

Realize this is a long message but felt there was "more to it" than just productivity issues.  Have been in therapy, currently trying to locate another therapist, etc.  Add to this I am a perfectionist and uncomfortable with not being in "control" of my life. 

Any advice would be welcome.  I need to find the strength to write.  Not sure how.  Simply having written this message exhausts me,       

[mamselle]

Others will have better awareness of practical approaches, but I want to say how sorry I am that you're dealing with all this.

The only practical thought I have is that there are 90 days before the end of the year. If you were to do a paragraph a day, you might get close enough to finishing to make the deadline.

You might find the Work Sprint thread or the PA thread helpful for tracking your workflow.

But mostly, just good thoughts and hopes for the best results possible, given all the givens.

M.

[Hegemony]

Well, your department/colleagues are crazy, as well as opening themselves to lawsuits.  Please keep detailed documentation of every interaction you have of the kind you've described.

I would think you should look into FMLA and Disability Leave.  Also confer with your union if you have a union.  There are laws against discriminating against people for disabilities and illnesses.  It would be excellent to find a lawyer to advise you — not a lawyer employed by the university, obviously.  You don't want to sue, and I hope it won't come to that, but you want to be very aware of your rights and of the proper procedures for things.

As for the remainder of the writing you have to do — cut corners.  Make the conclusion three pages. (My first book had no conclusion at all — are you sure you need a conclusion?)  Do the bare minimum of revising the intro.  Write four lines a day, if that.  It sounds as if your editor is understanding.  You don't have to polish your MS to a high gleam, especially at this point.  Just do the bare minimum — do less than that — and get it out of your hair.  Meanwhile, consult knowledgeable professionals about how your workplace can and should accommodate your health challenges.  Hang in there!

[Directional_State_U]

I too suffer from chronic and sometimes debilitating pain. It has reduced my ability to work, particularly research as I focus my efforts on teaching and service / deep critical thought is hard with pain. I can sympathize with what you are dealing with.

My advice: The Americans with Disabilities Act is your friend. Pain is a disability. Think about filing for an accommodation. This is the formal way for the university to factor in health issues. Otherwise, it is not documented. Also, administrators should know the law, they should seek to find a "reasonable" accomodation so that you can continue to work and contribute. Your colleagues are making subjective judgements with incomplete information; Your health is none of their business, unless you want it to be. Stay strong.

[cointegrated]

I have been in chronic pain due to brain injury for decades. I sympathize with you. Somehow I made it through my Ph.D. program and the tenure track.

Getting to know my university's ADA officer was helpful. Counseling helped. Cymbalta helped. Finding the right doctors helped.

Mostly, little by little, I learned to work despite being in pain. I don't know if this helps. After some time,  I found that doing work helped keep my thoughts off the pain. It took a lot of work on my part. It isn't easy. It doesn't work for every one. We can have different kinds of pain. 

It sounds like some of your colleagues aren't very supportive, while you do have some support. Find all the support you can and make the most of it.

I wish the best for you.

[Second Chance]

Just wanted to give a quick hi. I'm new to the boards - this is my first post- and was about to start a thread when I came across your post.

I've been chronically ill for years and finally had to retire super early as a result. So am empathetic with the struggle. Sounds like you are in an especially competitive situation where people will do anything to try to steal your place. Mine were reasonably supportive (i already had tenure) but did have its limits: I petitioned the university to let me entirely do all my duties from home...was denied. Was going to appeal but got super sick and just let it all go at that point.

remember that your ability to get awards comes with you, even if you decide a less hostile envt is to your advantage. No one can ever take that away from you.

on book, if it really needs 30 more pages, how about having a guest write that chapter? i've seen plenty of books with guest authors for a chapter or two. Or pay someone to finish it up for you. Is something else going on though? just sick to death of dealing with the book at the moment? too overwhelming? just asking because you probably have good days and bad days and on the good days i'm betting 30 pages is no big deal for you, so wondering. Of course i have a half finished manuscript i feel like i can't finish. got a burst of enthusiasm and energy, wrote it fast, but then downhill again, and figured why am i still writing manuscripts? (old habits die hard).

i know not a med forum, but you didn't say the nature of the pain. perhaps someone has a tip that will be helpful.

ok, hang in there. I better write my intended post before i'm completely out of steam.

[mamselle]

Reviving this thread in case of indicated need.

M.