Changes to student sentence needed?

[Boomvang]

My brain is completely fried at this point and I can't decide whether to suggest changes to this student's opening sentence. It's a short story class, and the story begins (details changed for the writer's sake): Decades ago when my sister Sam was a nun, she asked a parishioner's help . . .

Should I suggest inserting a comma after "ago"? Or revising to: "Decades ago, when she was a nun, my sister Sam asked a parishioner's help . . ."? Or leaving the original sentence as is?

[mamselle]

Yours flows better to my ear.

M.

[Wahoo Redux]

Well, the student's sentence sounds more like conversation to me, something someone would actually say if the narrator is talking to us.  This is a very immediate voice.

Your revision sounds more like a first-person literary narrator recalling the past from an aesthetic reserve.  The is a more objective, less-emotional voice.

Which voice will service the type of story better?

[Boomvang]

I want to steer the student towards a first-person literary narration. I'm particularly concerned about the student's placement of "she" after the comma.

[the_geneticist]

If it's supposed to be a first-person narrative voice, then it seems fine.  Stop agonizing over one comma.

[Parasaurolophus]

It reads like a stylistic choice (à la Cormac McCarthy) to me. But then the comma after 'nun' gets in the way a bit.

But I'd suggest asking for a parishioner's help, if it's for a specific task.

[dr_evil]

It reads like a stylistic choice (à la Cormac McCarthy) to me. But then the comma after 'nun' gets in the way a bit.

But I'd suggest asking for a parishioner's help, if it's for a specific task.

I read it the first time with the "for" inserted and, looking back after seeing your comment, realized the word wasn't actually there.

[Hegemony]

I think the student's sentence is fine as it is. Your emendation is also fine, but I wouldn't say it's needed here.