Grad student blaming others

[AJ_Katz]

I've had a graduate student from Egypt that joined my lab group a year ago.  He is making adequate progress, although his communication skills and integration into the culture in the U.S. are slower than expected, though marginally adequate.  One of the behaviors that he is displaying that is not acceptable, however, is that he tends to blame other people for problems.  Most recently, he blamed me for not following-up on setting a meeting with our collaborator.  It was true that I did not follow-up as planned, but I was out of the office sick with covid and one of my dear pets passed away unexpectedly.  It was a frustrating moment in our conversation and now it is making me wonder if I should even continue working with him or not.  If that meeting was so critical, why didn't he follow-up instead?  He was on the email chain but did nothing and now when we discuss his progress, he is putting this on me. 

I try to be an honest communicator with students, so this is not the first time that I have had to bring this behavior to his  attention, but because his communication skills are lagging, I am not sure he fully understands and I think it takes time to change.  Clearly, it is a defensive mechanism.  But it does not help that he blames the most senior/experienced people in our lab and staff for problems in his work. At this point, I'm thinking about scheduling a meeting with him and his postdoc mentor in order to discuss this pattern of behavior, how he should react instead (by following-up himself or seeking advice), and that I won't tolerate him staying in my lab if he continues that behavior.  Because of his communication challenges, I would want to provide that guidance in writing and provide it to him at the meeting for us to review and discuss. 

I don't know though.  Maybe I'm just stressed out and over-reacting.  At the same time, I find that making excuses and blaming other people is not something I can tolerate long term.  He is in a PhD program in the agricultural STEM sciences and this is his second year.  He already holds a master's degree, though this is his first international training experience.  He's also a grad student in his mid-30's, so different stage of life from those straight out of a bachelor's program.  His postdoc mentor has given him good advice as well, but remains slow to adapt.

Advice?  Suggestions?  Let me know what you think.

[ciao_yall]

I've had a graduate student from Egypt that joined my lab group a year ago.  He is making adequate progress, although his communication skills and integration into the culture in the U.S. are slower than expected, though marginally adequate.  One of the behaviors that he is displaying that is not acceptable, however, is that he tends to blame other people for problems.  Most recently, he blamed me for not following-up on setting a meeting with our collaborator.  It was true that I did not follow-up as planned, but I was out of the office sick with covid and one of my dear pets passed away unexpectedly.  It was a frustrating moment in our conversation and now it is making me wonder if I should even continue working with him or not.  If that meeting was so critical, why didn't he follow-up instead?  He was on the email chain but did nothing and now when we discuss his progress, he is putting this on me. 

I try to be an honest communicator with students, so this is not the first time that I have had to bring this behavior to his  attention, but because his communication skills are lagging, I am not sure he fully understands and I think it takes time to change.  Clearly, it is a defensive mechanism.  But it does not help that he blames the most senior/experienced people in our lab and staff for problems in his work. At this point, I'm thinking about scheduling a meeting with him and his postdoc mentor in order to discuss this pattern of behavior, how he should react instead (by following-up himself or seeking advice), and that I won't tolerate him staying in my lab if he continues that behavior.  Because of his communication challenges, I would want to provide that guidance in writing and provide it to him at the meeting for us to review and discuss. 

I don't know though.  Maybe I'm just stressed out and over-reacting.  At the same time, I find that making excuses and blaming other people is not something I can tolerate long term.  He is in a PhD program in the agricultural STEM sciences and this is his second year.  He already holds a master's degree, though this is his first international training experience.  He's also a grad student in his mid-30's, so different stage of life from those straight out of a bachelor's program.  His postdoc mentor has given him good advice as well, but remains slow to adapt.

Advice?  Suggestions?  Let me know what you think.

In the example you gave, do you think maybe he didn't know he was allowed to take initiative in the situation?

Otherwise, when you say "blame other people" what is that about?

He is afraid of the consequences on him?

He doesn't understand his role/responsibility in the situation?

[spork]

[...]

making excuses and blaming other people

[...]

This is not behavior anyone should tolerate. I think that the plan to have a sit-down with him and his mentor is a good one. Use a specific incident to explore why he reacted the way he did and ask him to propose alternative courses of action he could have taken. Then you and the mentor explain what makes these good or bad.

The guy sounds like he has bad relationship and communication skills.

Edited to add: I doubt his Egyptian-ness has anything to do with his behavior. He might be under some stress from being in a different cultural environment than he's used to, and conditions back home might be causing him some anxiety, but I assume you've had other foreign grad students in similar situations who have not regularly blamed others for their shortcomings.

[Ruralguy]

I only see reference to one incident here, and it seems to have mainly happened because the student didn't really know how best to deal with your absence.  I agree that better communication about what to do in the future is probably the best reaction. Also, if possible, communicating with him as the situation is changing, such as "I'm sorry I won't be able to discuss this with you today because I am ______[dealing with an illness, a family issue, whatever]. You should get a head start on this by calling/emailing Lisa Jones about her role in our study."

[Langue_doc]

@AJ_Katz, I would schedule a meeting with the student and his post doc mentor and go over the various incidents to see how they would have been handled in an academic environment in the US. I would also point out that collegiality is as important as academic credentials and that blaming others can affect his chances of finding employment, getting good LORs and so on. Following up with an email summarizing what was discussed in the meeting would be a good idea.

@Ruralguy, there seeems to be a pattern of blaming others--blaming the OP seems to be the last straw, as far as the OP is concerned.

I've had a graduate student from Egypt that joined my lab group a year ago.  He is making adequate progress, although his communication skills and integration into the culture in the U.S. are slower than expected, though marginally adequate.  One of the behaviors that he is displaying that is not acceptable, however, is that he tends to blame other people for problems.  Most recently, he blamed me for not following-up on setting a meeting with our collaborator.  It was true that I did not follow-up as planned, but I was out of the office sick with covid and one of my dear pets passed away unexpectedly.  It was a frustrating moment in our conversation and now it is making me wonder if I should even continue working with him or not.  If that meeting was so critical, why didn't he follow-up instead?  He was on the email chain but did nothing and now when we discuss his progress, he is putting this on me.

I try to be an honest communicator with students, so this is not the first time that I have had to bring this behavior to his  attention, but because his communication skills are lagging, I am not sure he fully understands and I think it takes time to change.  Clearly, it is a defensive mechanism.  But it does not help that he blames the most senior/experienced people in our lab and staff for problems in his work. At this point, I'm thinking about scheduling a meeting with him and his postdoc mentor in order to discuss this pattern of behavior, how he should react instead (by following-up himself or seeking advice), and that I won't tolerate him staying in my lab if he continues that behavior.  Because of his communication challenges, I would want to provide that guidance in writing and provide it to him at the meeting for us to review and discuss.

I don't know though.  Maybe I'm just stressed out and over-reacting.  At the same time, I find that making excuses and blaming other people is not something I can tolerate long term.  He is in a PhD program in the agricultural STEM sciences and this is his second year.  He already holds a master's degree, though this is his first international training experience.  He's also a grad student in his mid-30's, so different stage of life from those straight out of a bachelor's program.  His postdoc mentor has given him good advice as well, but remains slow to adapt.

ETA: I would frame the behavior as unprofessional--I've had to point out to some of my undergrad students that their emails were unprofessional because of the accusatory tone of voice.

[AJ_Katz]

Thanks for the replies.  I know it's difficult to give advice based on these one-sided portraits of situations like this, but I do find it valuable to hear these different perspectives.

For clarification, this behavior is not new and I have addressed it with the student previously during our one-on-one meetings when it came up during that meeting.  However, it's difficult to know whether the student has fully understood me because of the language barrier.  It is also clearly a defensive mechanism for him, but in the long-term, it's not the kind of behavior that will serve him well in his professional career. 

So, for now, I've decided to wait to bring it up.  We had big deadline this past week for our grant, which he nearly missed by not getting things finished up when he said he would.  The next time this behavior comes up, I will write down the feedback that I need to communicate with him and then schedule a meeting with him and the postdoc to explain this. 

Just a final thought, I feel like I'm at a point in my career where I am going to start to be more choosy about the students that I work with because students like this take away time that we could be spending on the science and just getting it done.