Recalibrating self-assessment after toxic mentorship

[apophenia]

I recently came to the realization that my relationship with an undergraduate mentor, while helpful, was rather toxic. Whilst they gave me helpful advice, hu came from a really toxic, cut-throat environment and it came across sometimes in the way that hu gossiped about other professors, ideas and sometimes even students. Sometimes they would tear apart my ideas pretty harshly to the point where I would question whether I even belonged in the field .. now don't get me wrong, I'm no snowflake and welcome constructive criticism, but sometimes their criticism would become really personal and over the top, relative to other professors.

Whilst I've since left and started graduate studies in a much healthier environment that's equally rigorous but much kinder, I've been having trouble shaking the cut-throat mindset and deep, persistent fear of failure that I developed from my interactions with this person. The people here are incredibly generous with their feedback, but I seem to have developed an attitude where if it's not harsh and trashing my work, it's disingenuous and unhelpful.. and when it is harsh, I become mentally paralysed and unable to accurately gauge what is worth keeping and what needs improvement. I understand what's happening logically, but still can't seem to overcome the mental blocks that I have.

Has anyone ever experienced something this? If so, how does one overcome their conditioning to see their work as it really is, and to be able to take (and give) criticism in stride?

[ziplock]

I'm in a similar situation. I've got two supervisors who are the complete opposite of each other. One is impossible to please such that I could publish 5 papers and win the Nobel in the same week and she would ask why I didn't publish 6 and win two Nobels. I have only heard her say I did well a few times in my few years in the lab and each time, I actually very get anxious because I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or she's so angry that she's given up. The other supervisor, on the other hand, is always praising me for the stupidest things like when I show up on time. It makes me feel like a child and I'm in my late 30s.

The thing that helped me most was to learn to separate my sense of worth from the work. It helps me take criticisms better because it doesn't eat at my self-esteem. And I talk to my peers a lot to see how they're doing so I have a better sense of where I am at. It also helps if you have a mentor or other professional you can talk to to figure out where you stand. It's easier to choose a mentor in some ways because you don't need to find a research fit. I would advise you to find someone you respect who will be honest with you and in a respectful way. Not everyone wants and/or knows how to be a mentor, so you might need to "shop" around for a bit.

Good luck. I feel you so much.

[marwyn]

I developed intense anxiety related to my career, interests and general future in the end of my Ph.D. It was altogether a complex problem and toxic behaviors of my supervisor were only a part of it. I even developed some psychosomatic issues, like strong heartburn. The anxiety kept haunting me during my postdoctoral period and I had my better and worse weeks.

There were several things that helped. First might sound trivial, but I found a good therapist and spent about 2.5 years having weekly sessions. I also tried to find some things which helped me to reset my mind and refocus (sports, hiking, contact with nature, fantasy literature). The good thing is that I had good academic mentors. They were at overseas institutions, and we saw each other only several times per year, but that was enough to restore my self-confidence and make correct steps to advance my career...

... and this forum. When you feel like you cannot talk about some problems with anyone at your institution, you can at least write here :).

[Caracal]

Has anyone ever experienced something this? If so, how does one overcome their conditioning to see their work as it really is, and to be able to take (and give) criticism in stride?

It is good that you are aware of the issue, because one of the really important skills in grad school is interpreting feedback from faculty correctly. I saw people get in trouble on both sides of this. If you have a very blunt critical advisor, you need to be able to just take the feedback and not feel personally attacked. On the other side, I saw some people who had advisors who were more positive and supportive really sabotage themselves by repeatedly ignoring critical feedback because it wasn't couched in aggressive terms. My advisor wouldn't even say "you need to be more careful with your proofreading." He would just extensively mark up my work. It took me a while to see that this meant I really did need to be more careful to turn in polished work. The trap people can fall into is that if their advisor says "hey, this is pretty good, I liked this part. I did think you weren't clear enough about this argument," they assume that the criticism doesn't need to be addressed.

[apophenia]

Thank you all so much :) Trying to lock down a therapist that I can start seeing regularly, and will be sure to keep actively seeking out mentorship, and following up on feedback now that I feel ready to do so without catastrophizing and getting mired in a pool of negativity :)

[San Joaquin]

I admire you for seeing to your own long term well-being.  Please do update us now and then!