Disentangling myself from chatty student during office hours?

[bradykjones]

Hi all!

I work at a teaching-oriented institution. I have a student who shows up at my door the minute office hours start, literally every single time I hold them. He also waits outside my office and the offices of other professors in our department at non office hours times and invites himself in as soon as we arrive. He's good about deferring to students with course-related questions, but the minute they leave he comes into my/our offices and just sits there. Or asks to show me an anime videos he likes. Then another. Then another. Then another. He is very nice but does not read subtle social cues very well and very much overstays his welcome.

First, am I obligated to engage with him at length about non course related material during office hours? I'm happy to chat for awhile and watch maybe a video or two, but after that it seems like both his and my time could be better spent. (I remember once he told me that he didn't have time to watch a film for my class and then in the next sentence said that he planned to hang out in our departmental offices for the next two hours. I suggested he use the next two hours to go watch the movie he couldn't figure out how to squeeze into his schedule.)

Second, how do I gently disentangle myself from these "meetings?" I actually think I would be doing him a favor by being direct and coaching him on how long it's appropriate to hang out in a professor's - or anyone's - office, but I'm afraid of hurting his feelings and coming off like a jerk. He's really very sweet and kind of a lost soul. I want him to feel welcome...but not so welcome that he hangs out for hours without any real questions to discuss.

Would appreciate advice!

[Puget]

This sounds like a kid on the autism spectrum potentially. He's not going to get subtle social cues, and will indeed benefit from gentle but direct coaching on what is and isn't appropriate for office hours. I would tell him that while you enjoy talking with him, office hours are really for class related questions, and that when there aren't students present who have such questions you use that time for class prep and grading (he may somehow think you would otherwise be doing nothing). I would also explain that when it isn't office hours, professors have work they need to do, and aren't available to talk with him unless he makes an appointment to do so. These things may seem obvious, but to a young adult on the spectrum, even a very high functioning one, they really are not-- they need to be told and then memorize the social rules.

[kiana]

A lot of times for nice students like this one who fail to pick up on social cues, giving them explicit guidance is both helpful and welcome. They don't know the rules and for whatever reason they don't infer them as others do.

It sounds like the chatter and the videos aren't the biggest issue, it's the length of time spent. Myself, I'd probably tell him one short video + 5 minutes per day of non-course chatter, while emphasizing my willingness to help if he DOES have course issues. But if your spidey sense tells you that that's not right for this student, telling him "course/academic program related material only" isn't wrong either.

I'm commenting on this from the perspective of someone on the spectrum who is still struggling to pick up social cues -- having someone NICELY tell me what the "rules" were was so incredibly helpful.

[the_geneticist]

I've also had this student (or at least one that was quite similar and was quite happy to camp out in faculty offices and was a bit of a lost soul).
No, you don't have an obligation to talk with him for a long time about non-course related things.  Since you're at a teaching institution, I know there is an expectation of being "available" to students and letting them get to know you more.  So, I'd let him show you a short video/chat about the weekend/other non course things for a few minutes.  Then let him know that you need to work on a something/write an email/go to a meeting.  I agree that he most likely has no idea that you do a lot of your job in your office and you aren't just hanging out or bored between your classes.
It would be kind and helpful to let him know that office hours are supposed to be for academic help and to limit his time (especially for non-academic things).  You could also gently guide him towards hanging out in a student space (lounge? coffee shop? library? join a club?).  He might not know these exist or that he can just join in.

[mbelvadi]

I don't understand why several of you are saying it's ok to watch even one of those non-course-related videos.  I'm a librarian, not teaching faculty, but I do have an open policy about students scheduling hour-long appointments with me for research help. If any of them tried to get me to watch some stupid "anime" video I would refuse point blank, and explain that my time is fully available for them to get research help, but otherwise I have other work to do, period.  I have in fact have had a few along the years who wanted to use their topic to segue into rambling about their personal/family problems, and I have politely cut them off with advice about counseling staff on campus they could talk to. And by the way, I'm also on the ASD spectrum, which maybe helps me be a little more blunt without feeling badly about it, because the line between a professional interaction and personal one is a very bright line for me and one I simply refuse to allow them to cross.

[mamselle]

I will say I might have been that student for a couple months when I discovered there was a dance history department in my undergrad university.

I think I was just a little bit dazzled....I'd done a 10th grade research paper on ballet history and was just stunned and delighted that there were others who actually studied about and knew this stuff.

One instructor, whom I know I buttonholed at his door for many minutes at a time, more than once (he'd danced with a well-known NYC company and retired to teach modern dance history), gave me a bibliography to look up that kept me happily in the library reading and studying for months ( and fueled at least 3 more undergrad papers in history and art history courses).

I don't think I realized at first that it might have been an intrusion, there weren't a lot of folks doing dance history so maybe he was happy for the interest--but it made a huge difference to my life then, and I'm still grateful, now.

It was sort of like finding my tribe, my family, my people....so much gratitude.

M.

[bopper]

But weren't you, @mamselle, talking about course/department related topics?
And when you were showing interest, they directed you to dive in more deeply which you did?
I would think that your experience is what should happen.

[mamselle]

But weren't you, @mamselle, talking about course/department related topics?
And when you were showing interest, they directed you to dive in more deeply which you did?
I would think that your experience is what should happen.

Thanks. Yeah, maybe so.

But I do recall a bit later wondering if I should have apologized to him for taking up so much of his time....

After writing this, I went to look him up and found a really lovely description of his life and his work, too.

So...yeah, maybe so.

M.

[dr_codex]

My spouse seems to attract these students, most of whom are not on the spectrum. I get them occasionally, but much more rarely.

Spouse's strategy is to let them hang out, as long as they don't interfere with anybody's work, including spouse's. We both do the same thing with colleagues who won't pick up the cue to leave.