the "things you wish you could say" thread

[Liquidambar]

Dear editor, I don't think I fully understood what a hard-core frequentist you were until you cast shade on Bayesian methods by invoking the climate crisis and criticising brms because it takes more carbon than simpler frequentist tests.

Wow!

[paultuttle]

Ahem.

STOP SMOKING POT IN THE APARTMENT NEXT TO OURS. ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BEFORE I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PROJECT DUE THE NEXT DAY.

It's not only illegal, but it stinks to high heaven.

<glares fiercely in millennial>

We've already called the police on you twice. Read your lease--a third time is grounds for eviction.

[paultuttle]

Ahem.

STOP SMOKING POT IN THE APARTMENT NEXT TO OURS. ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BEFORE I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PROJECT DUE THE NEXT DAY.

It's not only illegal, but it stinks to high heaven.

<glares fiercely in millennial>

We've already called the police on you twice. Read your lease--a third time is grounds for eviction.

Good news: The police were actually able to talk with the young woman tenant, who freely admitted that she was smoking the legal stuff--pot without THC, or "hemp." Same smell, of course, but legal.

Fortunately, our lease terms from our property manager say no smoking anything inside our respective apartments.

As a result, after emailing our property manager with this latest update, I received an email two days ago from them (1) saying that they were starting eviction proceedings against the other tenant due to noncompliance with the lease terms and conditions and (2) apologizing for the inconvenience, including the time it will likely take to get the tenant out of there (using the court system).

So a resolution is indeed coming--we just don't know how long it will take.

[Langue_doc]

Institution, don't you do a background check before hiring instructors?

NYC college professor who threatened Post reporter with machete is fired as her lawsuit against NYPD emerges

https://www.newsbreak.com/new-york-city-ny/3035414427704-nyc-college-professor-who-threatened-post-reporter-with-machete-is-fired-as-her-lawsuit-against-nypd-emerges

[paultuttle]

To a PI: This isn't the type of funding opportunity you obviously think it is. Go back and re-read the solicitation. You'll have to completely rethink and reframe your ideas to make them fit this particular funding opportunity.

[ab_grp]

Gmail: Thank you for your helpful response suggestions.  I was asked if I would be available on any of 5 dates.  Your suggestions were "either day works for me," "either date works for me," or "the 28th works for me."  It should be obvious even to software why the first two sound whack, and the 28th was not one of the dates listed.  As they say, go home! You're drunk!

[hmaria1609]

Thanks HR for this last minute notice!

[secundem_artem]

It has occurred to me that doing the things I need to do requires me to get out of bed.

[fishbrains]

If the "A" in "Type A Personality" stands for a$$hole, then yeah . . .

[apl68]

To avoid greater embarrassment all around, I have elected not to inform you that your wrong-number call to my cell phone forced me to jump out of my bath and splash water all over the floor in a frantic effort to answer what I thought might be an emergency call.

[sinenomine]

Dear student, all you have to say is that you're in the hospital. You don't need to send me a photo of the IV drip in your arm.

[EdnaMode]

Dear person in the office doing scheduling,

You've been here for over a year and have three semesters under your belt, this coming spring will be the fourth. I saw the schedule my dept chair handed in for me, it was good, even had suggested rooms. So, why the **** did you schedule my lab for class 1 in a lecture room, and my lecture for class 2 in a meeting room that seats 10 people (there are 24 spots in the class)? Thankfully, we got that sorted before students started registering. But I just noticed, now that students have started enrolling, that for class 1 students can sign up for lecture and NOT sign up for lab. Taking lab and lecture together is mandatory. You made it work for this semester (or someone did). Is it that hard to do the same thing for next semester? Ugh.

No love,

Dr. Mode

What I actually said was much more polite and simply requested that she link the lecture and the lab for that course. Not sure what that's going to do for the schedules of those already registered because there were more people in lecture than in lab, but that's not my problem.

[sinenomine]

Dear faculty who grumble all the time: you keep saying you want more of a role in shared governance — that means you need to step up and do some of the governance work. You can't have it both ways!

[secundem_artem]

What I'm saying:  You sound upset.  What's wrong?  How can I help?

What I'm thinking:  If you don't stop pissing, moaning, whining, complaining, whingeing, and bitching about every tiny thing in the university that does not meet your standards for perfection I'm gonna kick your ass so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

[FishProf]

Listen you little ^%&*, you are not the boss here.  You HAVE to meet with me before I will approve your registration.  You don't like it?  Go get yourself a different advisor, or better yet, a different major.  Hell, there are 70 schools within 100 miles of here - go to one of them!

What I said: We need to meet before I will approve your registration.