the "things you wish you could say" thread

[ergative]

Dude, you're teaching that seminar. Not me. I coordinate from on high, but that student is yours. I answered her email and CCed you and directed her to you because you teach her seminar. Don't volunteer me as someone she shouldn't hesitate to email with questions! She shouldn't hesitate to email you with questions. You're on very thin ice with me already (not that I have any power to do anything if you crash through). Don't make more work for me. Deal with your own damn students.

[FishProf]

Don't berate the President in a meeting for "lack of communication about X" when doing so exposes that you haven't
1) Read any of the announcements about X; or
2) Attended any of the meetings about X; or
3) Done the mandatory training about X.

You look like a damn fool, AND you make the rest of us faculty (we faculty?)look disengaged by association. 

You wouldn't take this laziness from your students, why should we take if from you?

[fishbrains]

Librizzles--Stop changing the f*cking URLs to the awesome, extremely helpful material on the Library's web site. Or at least send us out an email telling us we need to update the links in our courses. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[note: we have a totally super-awesome library staff, but, well, arrrrggghhhh!]

[San Joaquin]

Duuuuude. You make even my moderate efforts look like sheer genius.  Um, thank you?

[ergative]

Oh, dear--I agree that if you don't like sciency things and graphs and so on, then my class is not for you. I'm not at all upset that you want to switch. Of course you should choose courses that suit your interests! But are you sure you want to switch into that other class? Because you have to do actual math for that one.

--unrelated--
Goddammit, superold fancyprof, I sent you those exhaustive instructions, with screenshots for every step, so that you would be able to do the task for the class I'm coordinating. I understand if you won't have time to work through the instructions until next week, but when you tell me to 'feel free to [do task] until I get to it' do you realize you're saying 'feel free to do my job for me'? Because that's what you're telling me to do. I'm working very, very hard to cut everyone slack because learning new digital skills is hard, but the more I think about you in particular, the more I feel eyeball flame rage. 'Feel free to do my job for me.' Fuck you.

--sort of related---
I know we've clashed a bit on certain structural disagreements, but I really respect how you've learned all these new skills. Our clashes have been about pedagogy and structural decisions, not about any determinedly maintained cluelessness with tech, and I respect that. Also, I quite like the discovery you made about the superiority of Tool B over Tool A. I've been very careful to credit you and say that I've decided to make the switch to Tool B myself because of what you've told me, and I've felt as if our interpersonal frictions have eased a bit. I wish superold fancyprof were more like you.

[Economizer]

 Has Mn...what's his name..uh, the money guy, done a..I guess, a cash flow analysis of reduced cash outlay due loss of Social Security recipients, SS contribution reduction due to unemployment? Short term? Long term? Etc.?

[fishbrains]

I don't give a ripe f*ck what you name you kid. All I said was that if you call it "Tess," you are clearly showing you don't read Thomas Hardy novels.

It wasn't intended as an inside joke between me and the voices inside my head, but we had a good time with it anyway.

[wareagle]

You do realize that without a major expenditure of money, this building isn't suitable for the purpose you intend, right?  I understand you have a space utilization problem.  But don't screw up my program on account of it.

[FishProf]

You can't just tell someone to Zoom WHILE you also lecture.  You have to both SHOW THEM how to do it AND provide the equipment to do so.

Who do you think you are?

Fiat lux *may have* have worked once.  Fiat Zoom does not.

[marshwiggle]

You do realize that without a major expenditure of money, this building isn't suitable for the purpose you intend, right?  I understand you have a space utilization problem.  But don't screw up my program on account of it.

Experienced this exact scenario a few years back. Once they realized what the cost would be to retrofit the other space for our needs, they $eemed to under$tand the problem$ involved and recanted.

[Harlow2]

Fine.  If you want to set department standards using the language of  adolescents, have at it. But don't be surprised when the university's view of our school affects decisions about us down the road

[the_geneticist]

Colleagues that haven't taught online before (or honestly haven't taught anything for a long time) are clearly starting to panic that classes start this week.  There is a huge push to have a weekly "let's meet and talk about online teaching" working group. 
I wish I could say: "You KNEW you'd be teaching online back in May.  You've had MONTHS to prepare.  I had to change my classes to online with less than 2 weeks notice last Spring.  Look at all the online tools/programs/whatever you could have learned over the summer.  It's not my job to teach you how to do your job.  Count me out."

What I'll actually say, "Hmm, those meeting times don't work for me."

[hmaria1609]

What more do you want from me with this document? I'm sick of all these revisions now and ready to call it done.

[ergative]

You've been wrangling this Moodle system since before I ever started here. It's beyond frustrating that you haven't figured out how to do things like drop the lowest score from the gradebook, or set up the announcements so that messages can be directed to separate sections of the same class. I poked around in the settings and looked at the online help documents by using Google and figured it out in a few minutes. When you ask me to write up a step-by-step how-to document with screenshots, you are asking me to do your job for you. Likewise, when you ask me to check your Excel spreadsheet formulas, you are asking me to do your job for you.

You are so wildly necessary and valuable to our department that I would never dream of complaining to anyone. But I do get a little bit annoyed that your technical skills are so static. These tools are not difficult. Please learn how to use them, rather than relying on the same procedures that you settled on a decade ago. Because your procedures will eventually become obsolete, and the longer you try to cling to them, the worse it's going to be when you are forced to make the shift to whatever new system is put in place.

[AmLitHist]

To Whiny Helpless Students, Oldest Kid, Spouse, Clueless Admins, Aggravating Priviledged BFF, and anyone else within screaming distance:

OMFG! Will All Of You F*&#ing IDIOTS Just Go Away And Leave Me The Hell ALONE!!!


Ahem. Sorry to the rest of you.