the "things you wish you could say" thread

[ergative]

My dude, there is no happier indication of your recent tenure promotion than the fact that you waited until 9:00 AM Monday morning to respond to my email. Rock on, champ.

[FishProf]

Dear Dean,
After observing the screaming match in the hall today with a faculty member, it is clear that you have no limits and we can get away with, well, anything.  Thanks for making that clear.
All the other faculty members.

[fishbrains]

Screaming at your toddler for being loud is . . . hypocritical, don't you think?

<smiling, showing all my teeth at the neighbor in the mother-in-law suite literally next door>

My teenagers pointed this out to me the other day in a moment of parental exasperation. I told them it's kind of like the way the police race at break-neck speeds to catch up to you and give you a ticket to let you know that speeding is wrong.

Then I gave them a thiry minute lecture on existentialist absurdism.

They said would prefer my hypocritical yelling.

I said it doesn't work that way. 

[hmaria1609]

To patron: It's the same scenario when you come.  Can't remember how to do send things to print (or a simple task) on the computer, ask how to do it, apologize for not remembering, repeat. I've wasted more than enough time on simple tutorials with you!

[polly_mer]

To patron: It's the same scenario when you come.  Can't remember how to do send things to print (or a simple task) on the computer, ask how to do it, apologize for not remembering, repeat. I've wasted more than enough time on simple tutorials with you!

Have you considered making up cheat sheets for common tasks and having them available for reference? 

My life got immensely better when I started having those for students and others who needed step-by-step instructions for basic things.  Just knowing I could hand over the proper sheet lowered my stress levels with those who refused to pay attention and take their own notes.

[ergative]

Dude, you may be the world expert on this topic, but you're a terrible teacher.  Pro-tip: do not spend the whole morning of a two-day workshop showing stuff that is not even the topic of this workshop, but instead an advertisement for your next workshop.

[scamp]

Screaming at your toddler for being loud is . . . hypocritical, don't you think?

<smiling, showing all my teeth at the neighbor in the mother-in-law suite literally next door>

My teenagers pointed this out to me the other day in a moment of parental exasperation. I told them it's kind of like the way the police race at break-neck speeds to catch up to you and give you a ticket to let you know that speeding is wrong.

Then I gave them a thiry minute lecture on existentialist absurdism.

They said would prefer my hypocritical yelling.

I said it doesn't work that way.

Ha!

[Porcupine]

No, sister-in-law, the extended debate you initiated on "what I am" in relation to your toddler since I'm not a blood relative, and whether "aunt-in-law" is the right term to differentiate me from your toddler's "proper" uncles, didn't make me feel excluded. After all, I've known you since you became a teenager! <cheeks aching from smiling>

[mamselle]

Nice, useful little town library, WHY did you have to replace a remote printing system that worked decently with the clunky, unresponsive nonsense you have now??????????

I can't choose page numbers, can't choose to print multiple pages, can't even define B/W or color.

The other system did all those things.

This one doesn't.

New, Improved!

Right.

GRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........

M.

[archaeo42]

No, sister-in-law, the extended debate you initiated on "what I am" in relation to your toddler since I'm not a blood relative, and whether "aunt-in-law" is the right term to differentiate me from your toddler's "proper" uncles, didn't make me feel excluded. After all, I've known you since you became a teenager! <cheeks aching from smiling>

I'm baffled by this. An aunt is a relation through blood or marriage. That is a bizarre distinction to make (says the anthropologist).

[the_geneticist]

Dear graduate student, I appreciate your attention to detail.  You are truly amazing at catching the smallest of grammar inconsistencies.  But until you learn the skill of giving feedback without being so blunt-yet-agonizing-over-every-tiny-typo, you are going to seriously P___ Off a lot of people.  You know, like your collaborators, committee members, other graduate students, your advisor, etc. etc. 

[Vkw10]

Yes, Fearless Leader, I did include your favorite word.  I'm well aware that you wouldn't approve a lunch menu that didn't include "technical."

[bio-nonymous]

It seems that your nefarious plan has been executed and you got your way. Do not patronize us by "apologizing" for how it all went down and wishing that things had worked out for the rest of us. Evil!

[FishProf]

A student came to challenge the grade you assigned in your course. I spent a couple hours documenting the issue.

I came to you about the grade challenge and you assured me the calculations were correct. 

So I denied the challenge.

Then the Dean proposed to overturn my denial.  And I protested strongly, basing my protest on the clarity and completeness of your calculations.

Then you found a major error in the calculation. And changed the grade.

The Dean looks effective (got the grade changed), you look beneficent (found and admitted an error), and I look like a [pick your pejorative].

So, thanks for that.

[Porcupine]

No, sister-in-law, the extended debate you initiated on "what I am" in relation to your toddler since I'm not a blood relative, and whether "aunt-in-law" is the right term to differentiate me from your toddler's "proper" uncles, didn't make me feel excluded. After all, I've known you since you became a teenager! <cheeks aching from smiling>

I'm baffled by this. An aunt is a relation through blood or marriage. That is a bizarre distinction to make (says the anthropologist).

I find it weird too. As best as I can understand, it's not really about any supposed distinction. My sister-in-law likes to start these sorts of discussions/make such remarks to ensure that I am publicly reminded of the (lowly) place in the family pecking order that she thinks I deserve. I do my best to grin and bear it, so that Mr. Porcupine doesn't have to referee any arguments, which would make him exceedingly unhappy.