the "things you wish you could say" thread

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Toxic Parent:

Please stop watching Fox News. Please stop telling me to not trust any other reliable news source. Please stop calling me stupid for not believing everything you say. Just stop.

[Thursday's_Child]

Dear student,

I'm sorry that you're stressed about your potential grade in this class.  I'm also sorry that your stress levels are so high that you didn't notice the posted instructions to NOT BOTHER ME ABOUT GRADES while I'm finishing up the grading.

I'm even more sorry that, having slacked your way through this semester, you think that informing me of your stress will make any difference.  I regret to inform you that your belated grade-grubbing efforts were a complete waste of time.  Because of Covid, the whole faculty is under orders to pass as many students as possible - unfortunately, I don't think even you meet the extremely stringent new standards for failure.

Enjoy your grade.  Perhaps you'll even feel proud of it.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. T. Child

[archaeo42]

Don't leave valuables in your car.

Don't leave valuables in your car.

Don't leave valuables in your car.

Also, lock your effing car.

[FishProf]

Being angry at me because the paper you wrote was incoherent does NOT make me want to spend time helping you sort out your word salad.

Also this Word-Salad seems to be part Caesar, part taco, and part fruit salads.

[fishbrains]

Okay, I'll give it to you: I'm the worst professor in the world--possibly the worst human being on the entire planet (on the positive side, there's nowhere for me to go but up). However, you still only submitted a third of the daily work and just one of four essays.

Before you file that grade appeal you're threatening me with, slackerdoodle, you might want to learn how third-grade math works.

[I'm betting my awesome dean is about to tell this student something similar] 

[FishProf]

Dear Dr. No

Do you really think you are the ONLY person in the world who has thought of these issues?  How about you bring some suggested solutions; your overarching brilliance should allow for that, surely.

The reality is this:  A decision will be made, and then you (like the rest of us) will have to teach under those restrictions.  Teaching is your job.  You can't NOT do it.  Stop it with the ultimatums.

Unless, of course, you want to become the poster child for "Tenure DOESN'T mean you can't be fired.  Not doing your job = fired".

No Love

Fishprof

[archaeo42]

Dear Colleague,

If we were in the same space right now I'd be tempted to come over and punch you. You have been all over the map this year with how you want things. First, deviating from what we normally do, and then going back to it.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Yours,
Archaeo

[polly_mer]

Dear employer,

We have many, many, many policies on bitsy details like how we can sign our emails and what type of punctuation we are allowed to use in official documents.

You know that "all" the technical people have Macs or Linux boxes.

Why, then, do I receive multiple files per week that are named in such a manner that I cannot simply download and use that file?

Why are people sending me widely distributed files named something like "All Managers Meeting 5 10 2020_afterBillReviewed & Marge did all THEtyposv..7..R..23.pptx.pdf" attached to an email with the subject line "please read and review these slides"?

I'd leave everything as filed email if the subject lines were more useful (e.g., Slides from All Managers Meeting 5.10.2020) or had any confidence that the search feature would pull up this email if I searched for a standard data format.

This is another case where you're training me the real expectations are greatly different from the official written expectations.

[Vkw10]

Yes, I really do spend ten minutes of every hour thinking about ways to irritate you. On weekends, I spend twenty minutes an hour!

[FishProf]

You can't simultaneously argue that we MUST be open for F2F classes in the Fall, AND that YOU should be allowed to elect an online or blended delivery as you see fit.

If you want flexibility, you should be willing to give some in return.

[Antiphon1]

Give me a break.  You want to honor the brave (name your favorite underpaid public worker)?  How about you start voting to fund (name your favorite underfunded public service)?  Founding yet another nonprofit to shelter your excess income to ostensibly elevate our awareness just screams entitled baloney.  How about you just pay your damn taxes, hum?

On the other hand, this whole phenomenon spawned a publication so maybe irritation leads to scholarship.  I still can't bring myself to thank you for the inspiration. 

[AmLitHist]

Good lord, DECIDE, already.

[FishProf]

When I didn't respond to your 9:30pm email (over a VERY obvious settings error on a practice final) until 8am the next morning, you had already sent your complaining email to the Dean (who sent me an annoyed email).  You want to argue you deserve a grade bump?  Take it up with her.

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Why in the absolute hell are we asking students to use software that is over 17 years old that may or MAY NOT run on their computers? Aren't we dealing with enough BS? Will SOMEONE PLEASE REWRITE THESE LABS?!!!

[polly_mer]

I see a volunteer in the audience to rewrite the labs because people who can see the problem can solve it.


She writes knowing she has a Commodore 64 emulator installed on multiple computers to play M.U.L.E.