the "things you wish you could say" thread

[downer]

Dear Dean

Thanks for your email notifying everyone about the changes to the Enrollment Management Division taking effect immediately. Frankly, I didn't know we had one.

You mention quite a few promotions and upcoming hirings but you don't say who got fired. That would have made it interesting reading.

I am struck that every person you mention has a female name. I don't want to engage in stereotyping, but I'm assuming that most or all of them are women. What's up with that? Then there's the detail that their last names mostly seem to be Eastern European in origin. I'm not judging, I'm just curious. How come?

You mention Colleague Support several times. What is that? Is it a thing now? Am I a colleague? I could use some support.

Finally, I was a bit surprised to see you end your message with "Have a good weekend." It is Tuesday. I wondered does the weekend start early for you? But then I noticed that the letter is dated Friday, but it is only today that your assistant got around to sending it out. I'm wondering how that fits with your emphasis on how technologically advanced this division has become.

Anyway, good luck with the job.

[mamselle]

New Eastern European Women's Studies Program?

New international student outreach program for females from former Soviet states?

New program in Byzantine music, culture and art?

There are some logical reasons why this might make sense.

M.

[polly_mer]

Stop ending presentations with an all-but-blank "Any questions?" slide!

Leave up the summary slide with the references, websites, your contact info, and other useful information while you wait for questions!

You are not making one of your first professional presentations as a master's student.  Your job, as a mid-career program manager, is giving presentations to a variety of audiences who want to know or need the information for their jobs.

Why, then, have the last five seminars ended this way?!  How have you not had to take the internal presentation trainings that emphasize a strong finish?!

I'd bet that the person is using the institution's template...

These are different people using various versions of the internal institutional templates.  None of the templates I've been forced to use end with a question slide.

Interestingly, all the templates have an intro slide that is just the institutional logo and section separator slides that I've never seen used so clearly we're not just slaves to the template in all things.

[Langue_doc]

New Eastern European Women's Studies Program?

New international student outreach program for females from former Soviet states?

New program in Byzantine music, culture and art?

There are some logical reasons why this might make sense.

M.

Downer's institution sounds familiar. I once adjuncted at a for-profit institution where the higher-ups were from Eastern  Europe, and treated faculty like hired hands. I taught a couple of summer ESL courses funded by a post 9/11 grant. I remember vividly one of the administrative persons critters coming into my classroom on the last day of class to ask me to change a student's grade from a C or D to a B. I thought about it and decided that getting my last paycheck was far more important than worrying about whether or not I was doing the right thing. They made sure that grades were handed in before the last day of class for obvious reasons. I also remember being compensated only for the actual contact hours but being expected to attend meetings. The number of hours worked was tracked by having to insert one's hand into a machine before and after class, so that one clocked in and out, and then being expected to go to meetings. I always had an excuse. It also helped that my spouse at the time was a lawyer. This was the only institution where I had to prove that I was on campus during my designated hours.

There are several such institutions of "higher education" in the eastern part of the country. There are also medical practices run along the same lines. I write from experience.

[ergative]

I'm sure he's just a bit self-centered and clueless, rather than actually disdainful or malicious, but I don't like your pet grad student. He talks only about himself and does nothing to engage with other people's work. He intimidates the younger grad students who are just as smart as him but less confident, and that makes them treat him like some god of all knowledge, when all he does is talk a lot. It's not good for them to be made to feel inferior by someone who's not actually as brilliant as all that; and it's not good for him to be adored and lauded when he doesn't deserve it (actually, it's not good for someone even if they do 'deserve' it).

I avoid the lab when he's visiting from his home institution; I don't rejoice when you tell me he's visiting, and I certainly don't want to give him advice about how to improve his post-doc fellowship proposal.

[marshwiggle]

Downer's institution sounds familiar. I once adjuncted at a for-profit institution where the higher-ups were from Eastern  Europe, and treated faculty like hired hands. I taught a couple of summer ESL courses funded by a post 9/11 grant. I remember vividly one of the administrative persons critters coming into my classroom on the last day of class to ask me to change a student's grade from a C or D to a B. I thought about it and decided that getting my last paycheck was far more important than worrying about whether or not I was doing the right thing. They made sure that grades were handed in before the last day of class for obvious reasons. I also remember being compensated only for the actual contact hours but being expected to attend meetings. The number of hours worked was tracked by having to insert one's hand into a machine before and after class, so that one clocked in and out, and then being expected to go to meetings. I always had an excuse. It also helped that my spouse at the time was a lawyer. This was the only institution where I had to prove that I was on campus during my designated hours.

There are several such institutions of "higher education" in the eastern part of the country. There are also medical practices run along the same lines. I write from experience.

Heck, subcutaneous microchips would make this a lot easier. Or even just ankle bracelets; those seem to work pretty well.

[EdnaMode]

Dear Stu,

You're taking my class at the exact same time as another class because your administrator father said you could and overrode the conflict, and you gave me the "Do you know who my father is?" lecture before the semester started. Yep, Stu, I know who your father is, do you know who mine is? No? Too bad. But here's the thing, I have in writing that I told you attendance in my class is required and it's also on the syllabus, and I'm backed up on this by [administrator] who is at a higher level than your father. You have already missed two assignments, two quizzes, and logged in to Zoom so late this morning that you missed the 20-minute demonstration on how to do the new thing with the software. This is your third (and last) time in the class because institutional policy does not allow you to take it a fourth time. The course has changed since the last time you failed it – once with me, and once with a colleague. And no, I will not repeat the demo just because you can't get your lazy arse out of bed in time for an 8:00 class. Go see your father if you want a demo. Oh wait, he has no background in what I teach. Bummer for you. If you don't get your arse in gear, it's not going to be a positive outcome for you. And yes, I'm going to report all this in the early progress reports next week.

Dr. Mode

[fishbrains]

You need to go to your quiet space and self-reflect for a while.

The Zoom meeting was about you asking everyone else for a favor--a big favor we don't have to do. When you insist that people either turn on their cameras or leave the meeting, you can't be all that surprised when quite a few people just leave the meeting. You aren't high enough on the food chain to make such demands, and even if you were, it would still be a dick move.

Live and learn, dude.

[Liquidambar]

Upper administrator, I hope you find an amazing job someplace else.  In fact, I would be happy to write you a letter of recommendation if it would expedite your leaving.

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Whose idea was it for us to do paperwork covering events that haven't even happened yet? How does this make sense?

[polly_mer]

Whose idea was it for us to do paperwork covering events that haven't even happened yet? How does this make sense?

I've just taken on a responsibility where I'll be doing this regularly.  Sadly, doing paperwork on the events that haven't happened yet is not the most WTF part of the new responsibility.

[FishProf]

Whose idea was it for us to do paperwork covering events that haven't even happened yet? How does this make sense?

I do that every week when I sign off on time sheets for the coming week.  The best case is that I don't end up lying.

[dr_codex]

Whose idea was it for us to do paperwork covering events that haven't even happened yet? How does this make sense?

I do that every week when I sign off on time sheets for the coming week.  The best case is that I don't end up lying.

I always hated this. We are supposed to sign time sheets for the next full semester. It's lunacy.

[Thursday's_Child]

You don't have to continue proving to me that you're a toddler in an adult body - I've known it for a long time.  The amazing thing is the number of people you still have fooled.  However, if you continue running to 'mommy' to complain about every minor little thing, and then run around telling everyone who will listen how important you are because you make sure that things get done right, maybe a few more people will catch on.

[apl68]

Whose idea was it for us to do paperwork covering events that haven't even happened yet? How does this make sense?

I do that every week when I sign off on time sheets for the coming week.  The best case is that I don't end up lying.

I always hated this. We are supposed to sign time sheets for the next full semester. It's lunacy.

What on Earth is the idea behind that?