the "things you wish you could say" thread

[OneMoreYear]

Yes, my dear students, I agree that this semester has been craptastic.  I do not want to be teaching these courses online any more than you want to be taking them online**. But, come on, you gotta work with me here, folks!  To survive the course, you are going to actually have to try.

** Now that I've been diagnosed with COVID, I am at least grateful that I can keep teaching online and that I did not inadvertently infect anyone before I got a positive test because all of my teaching is synchronous online this semester.

[science.expat]

We can't think "outside the box" if you won't at least take the nails off the lid.

Class!

I'm so going to steal this ☺️

OMY: wishing you a speedy recovery

[ergative]

Quit asking for extensions! There are 300 of you. It feels like you're all asking for them this week, and I have other things to do besides answering your email requests.

Essay is due next Tuesday. Who wants to guess how many extension requests will come in over the weekend? I'm betting on the order of 25.

[Harlow2]

36 hours ago we agreed on a deadline a week out.  Now you think I need help because it wasn't done by last night?

[Economizer]

As it pertains to the goverment's recent Covid 19 relief package, is lobster fest still ongoing?

[the_geneticist]

Stop asking if I have any vacation plans!  Yes, I just got vaccinated, but that doesn't mean it's OK to travel. 

[fishbrains]

You don't know what the hell you are talking about.

Owning a restaurant business at the mom-and-pop level is around 10% cooking and 90% dealing with people. No restaurant owner stands back in the kitchen creating one lovely plate of food per hour with tender care to great applause. They are dealing with customers, purveyors, investors, banks, accountants, employees at all different levels, inspectors, regulators, roaches, mice, rats, cats, the occasional possum, a constant in-and-out of repair people, ever-spoiling inventory, advertisers, online reviews, social distancing . . . and nobody wants to cooperate with your goals.

Job shadow a new restaurant owner for a month. Binge-watch Kitchen Nightmares except understand that Gordon Ramsay isn't ever going to come save your a$$. Or just enjoy retirement and keep your money.

[ergative]

Quit asking for extensions! There are 300 of you. It feels like you're all asking for them this week, and I have other things to do besides answering your email requests.

Essay is due next Tuesday. Who wants to guess how many extension requests will come in over the weekend? I'm betting on the order of 25.

And the final tally is 22! I guess I'm pleased that there's three emails fewer than I predicted that I won't have to deal with.

[downer]

Dear Dean
I don't really know if any of my class assignments foster inclusivity, embrace diversity or promote social justice. Partly because I don't really what what you mean by those phrases. Obviously I could make some shit up, but I don't see any incentive to reply to your email. If it meant that I got paid more, or I got to teach better students, then I might make the effort.

[sinenomine]

Dear Registrar, you're the one who scheduled an hour-long meeting for something that you know takes two hours. Don't get frustrated about the tight calendar and your needing to schedule another meeting to get everything accomplished.

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Fam:

Please stop watching Fox News. It's not actually news...

[apl68]

Staff Members, I understand that the thought of the state's mask mandate likely being withdrawn in a couple of weeks frightens you.  I understand that you are also afraid to participate in the upcoming vaccination clinic--though why you're so very frightened of something that tens of millions of people have already taken with nothing worse than maybe a day or two of feeling kind of sick is honestly and truly beyond me.

Here's the thing, though--with state and local governments now removing the restrictions, it's going to be very hard for us compel any kind of strict adherence to them within the library's walls.  This means that I can't guarantee being able to do everything necessary to make you feel safe at work.  So it's time you made up your mind which you fear more--getting COVID, or taking the vaccine to keep from getting COVID.  It's your choice.  But if you choose not to take advantage of the safe, free remedy that's being offered to you, then I don't want to hear another word about how afraid of catching COVID you are.

[fishbrains]

Okay, I'm sorry my kids cut you off with "and thank God for hot food!" They kind of learned that from me.

We're glad you've found Jesus and all, but we're not going to eat cold food over it. "God is great; God is good. Let us be thankful for our food--because we know so many others go without" will suffice. Save the long, teary prayers for after the meal.

Should you decide to come back.

After you are finished pouting.

We're betting even the 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Jesus in a little tuxedo T-shirt finds you to be a bit silly right now. Semi-obscure reference: https://youtu.be/qYiWydDyMIE

[dr_codex]

I will give another hour of my time to this ridiculous "process", just to have it off my desk for good.

I refuse to waste another minute of the rest of the committee's time.

Don't ask for analysis if you cannot provide data that are even approximately correct.

[the_geneticist]

The quarter is NOT over yet.  It is NOT an appropriate time for folks to suddenly be "on vacation".
Especially not if they are (in no particular order):
the head of a department
the chair of a hiring committee
IT staff in charge of our LMS
staff in charge of sending out TA contracts
someone* who "really, really needs to meet with me" before Spring classes start

*I offered to meet with you earlier, but you said you were "busy".  Guess what?  Now I'm busy too.  Not my deadline, not my problem.