the "things you wish you could say" thread

[Harlow2]

Dissertation student (I'm the chair), in the final throes of writing the data chapter.  It's a serviceable dissertation, but stu misses discussing major points that are obvious in tables and several other things and speak to one of the points of the diss. It's the kind of stuff that anyone whose read an academic article should know.  Is angry that I've brought them to her attention, says it's my fault for not telling her more about this and other things; is tired of revising, and so on. And then unloads the stress she's under with her job and COVID. I get her frustration, but I'm not her punching bag. She has frequently said she just wants to be done and its been clear that she doesn't actually care about the diss. She is a middle aged professional and should know better than to pull this.  Now I am angry and not the least inclined to read the new version any time soon.  So, what I wish I could say:
You're always welcome to find another chair
You're done!
You owe me an apology before we can continue working together
[end rant]

[OneMoreYear]

That is the 4th email in 24 hours (by 3 different people) telling us that we really, really, really should consider attending that webinar. If you are really insistent that we all attend, just make it mandatory and be done with it. I signed up after the 1st email, but now I'm starting to regret it since you are insisting this hard.

[ab_grp]

That is the 4th email in 24 hours (by 3 different people) telling us that we really, really, really should consider attending that webinar. If you are really insistent that we all attend, just make it mandatory and be done with it. I signed up after the 1st email, but now I'm starting to regret it since you are insisting this hard.

Ugh, this sounds like one of my professional orgs, which decided to switch to a new platform for the conference this year and keeps incessantly spamming everyone (regardless of whether they are presenting or not) about the tutorials for it.

[Puget]

Problematic MA student I'm a second reader for: You coded your task data backward, which you could have figured out for yourself if you'd thought about it even a little bit. Instead, I caught it in your full draft, which means you now have to completely re-analyze your data and re-write your results and discussion sections for your overdue thesis.

Advisor of problematic MA student: I like you a lot, and I know you're under stress and also tired of mentoring this student, but man, you really should have caught that major error yourself much, much earlier than this.

[ciao_yall]

Why does this whole thing remind me of the "Stonehenge" scene from This is Spinal Tap?

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Unrelated.

This is not a priority for me. There is an easy solution to this problem. So, why aren't you following that route?

[the_geneticist]

Unrelated.

Remind me to mark my calendar for the start of Fall so I can say "I warned you!" to the folks who are blissfully ignoring the transition to Canvas.  Why work ahead and get your course set up early when you can procrastinate and panic?  I chose to switch one of mine early and the learning curve is a bit rough.
Also, not my job to teach you how to use Canvas.  Maybe I'll need a little laminated sign for my office door.  Or to change my signature in my email.

[fishbrains]

Looky here, Captain F*ckface: The reason I didn't respond to your moronic email within the bizarre and irrational time-frame you suggested was because I was busy TEACHING THE F*CKING CLASS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ATTENDING!!!!!!! There is not enough alcohol I can consume tonight!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


[Ahem] Thank you for your support. [wine glass in hand, pinky up] 

[EdnaMode]

Looky here, Captain F*ckface: The reason I didn't respond to your moronic email within the bizarre and irrational time-frame you suggested was because I was busy TEACHING THE F*CKING CLASS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ATTENDING!!!!!!! There is not enough alcohol I can consume tonight!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


[Ahem] Thank you for your support. [wine glass in hand, pinky up]

Your student must be related to my student! (see below) I hope you enjoyed your beverage... perhaps I should start day drinking. Vodka or tequila in my water bottle, looks like water, right?

Dear Constantly Whinging Stu,

If you send me an email at 4:40 AM asking a question about something you are supposed to get done before class that same day (and which we discussed in detail in the lecture that you skipped), you don't get to demand that I "answer immediately" so you can finish your work before class starts at 8 AM. The syllabus notes that emails will be answered within 24 hours and typically between 8 AM and 5 PM.

I did reply "before class" but just so happened to hit the send button at 7:50 AM before I headed out the door to lab.

Good luck with that,

Dr. Mode

[fishbrains]

Yes, two weeks before the end of the semester tends to be WTF? week around here.

[sinenomine]

Administration: It's really difficult to take you seriously when you proudly share survey data in the form of graphs that have total percentages of 135%-140%. Do your homework!

[dr_codex]

Administration: It's really difficult to take you seriously when you proudly share survey data in the form of graphs that have total percentages of 135%-140%. Do your homework!

Unrelated.

No. That's your job. You cannot blink helplessly and get me to do it for you. If you'd done what you were supposed to, you wouldn't be asking for elaborate workarounds now.

I also wish that I could write to you a version of the email that our colleague did. Colleague had to retract some of it, but we all know that it was on the money. It's only defamation if it isn't true.

[Puget]

Dear MA student in my seminar,

I'm glad you finally met with me, after multiple strong suggestions that you do so. I'm perplexed that you were so surprised and upset to realize how behind you are, and that you have a C currently, given that I, your other professors, the department DGS, and the Graduate-School-dealer-with-grad-students-who-are-crashing-and-burning (not her real title, but should be) have all been on your case all semester about how you are in danger of failing out of the program. I want you to succeed but you are acting like a clueless freshpeep not a grad student.

[Vkw10]

Dear staff member,

Thank you for emailing your resignation at 8:10 p.m. Wednesday, effective Friday. Even knowing we'll probably lose the position, I'm dancing with joy because I don't have to do the paperwork to fire your sorry self.

Your gleeful soon-to-be-former department chair

[RatGuy]

Dear colleague:

I think you're a manipulative piece of garbage. You went to the first-year Dean (who doesn't have a full grasp of departmental politics), mischaracterizing yourself as a departmental representative. As a result, you got two strong faculty members removed from their positions, and now we've got to scramble to find replacements before the next term. And you didn't do it out of ambition? You didn't want the job yourself, you just wanted to get people fired? I think you're the worst.

No, I don't want to go to a baseball game with you this weekend.