the "things you wish you could say" thread

[mamselle]

Just hope this psychopath didn't get upset because the other two folks wouldn't go to baseball games with him, either...

M.

[science.expat]

Dear colleague:

I think you're a manipulative piece of garbage. You went to the first-year Dean (who doesn't have a full grasp of departmental politics), mischaracterizing yourself as a departmental representative. As a result, you got two strong faculty members removed from their positions, and now we've got to scramble to find replacements before the next term. And you didn't do it out of ambition? You didn't want the job yourself, you just wanted to get people fired? I think you're the worst.

No, I don't want to go to a baseball game with you this weekend.

How could this happen? How could people be sacked on the word of one person?

[the_geneticist]

Your timeframe for when we will be posting a new hire and when you assume that person will start is ridiculously, optimistically brief.  Don't forget, the person will have to physically be here since we're returning to in-person instruction in Fall.

Oh, maybe you actually don't care since you won't be department chair anymore?

[RatGuy]

Dear colleague:

I think you're a manipulative piece of garbage. You went to the first-year Dean (who doesn't have a full grasp of departmental politics), mischaracterizing yourself as a departmental representative. As a result, you got two strong faculty members removed from their positions, and now we've got to scramble to find replacements before the next term. And you didn't do it out of ambition? You didn't want the job yourself, you just wanted to get people fired? I think you're the worst.

No, I don't want to go to a baseball game with you this weekend.

How could this happen? How could people be sacked on the word of one person?

It's a culmination of a lot of things.

1. The departmental handbook designates that certain  positions with administrative functions (like director of grad studies) are appointed by the chair. Former Chair used to informally "hey, you wanna do this?" to individuals as part of this process.
2. Faculty appointed by Former Chair include tenured, tenure-track, and Non-Tenure Full-Time, as stipulated by the departmental handbook. So there were a few NTFTs in assistant director roles.
3. Some FTNTs grump about this in a "why does he get that job? It comes with a course release and a raise and I want that. So unfair!" Former chair says "if you want to be considered when such positions become available, contact me. But this is the chair's decision."
4. Former Chair leaves, New Chair is hired from outside the university, and is eager to placate everyone.
5. Garbage Person goes to New Chair and says, "All the other NTFTs think this one hiring practice is unfair. You should be a Good Chair and make sure that there are interviews and not automatic renewals. Oh, look, a bunch of NTFTs in administrative roles are due to renewal re-application this month." GP does without telling anyone else.
6. New Chair informs NTFTs that they need to reapply for their positions 1 hour before the job ad goes live. NTFT says, "when I was hired, I was told that the position was renewable for as long as I wanted it." New Chair says, "Nope, this is more transparent. Good luck in your job search!"
7. NTFTs aren't rehired for those jobs (the New Chair is the hiring committee).

Since the FTNTs are on renewable contracts, and one of the ones who lost their admin position is actually up for renewal overall. Given the COVID state of things, there's some questions from the Dean's Office about that NTFT's position. It may develop that without the admin position this faculty member might not have any position here in the fall.

Garbage Person says he sleeps well at night because "I just did what everyone else was thinking."

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Dear colleague:

I think you're a manipulative piece of garbage. You went to the first-year Dean (who doesn't have a full grasp of departmental politics), mischaracterizing yourself as a departmental representative. As a result, you got two strong faculty members removed from their positions, and now we've got to scramble to find replacements before the next term. And you didn't do it out of ambition? You didn't want the job yourself, you just wanted to get people fired? I think you're the worst.

No, I don't want to go to a baseball game with you this weekend.

How could this happen? How could people be sacked on the word of one person?

It's a culmination of a lot of things.

1. The departmental handbook designates that certain  positions with administrative functions (like director of grad studies) are appointed by the chair. Former Chair used to informally "hey, you wanna do this?" to individuals as part of this process.
2. Faculty appointed by Former Chair include tenured, tenure-track, and Non-Tenure Full-Time, as stipulated by the departmental handbook. So there were a few NTFTs in assistant director roles.
3. Some FTNTs grump about this in a "why does he get that job? It comes with a course release and a raise and I want that. So unfair!" Former chair says "if you want to be considered when such positions become available, contact me. But this is the chair's decision."
4. Former Chair leaves, New Chair is hired from outside the university, and is eager to placate everyone.
5. Garbage Person goes to New Chair and says, "All the other NTFTs think this one hiring practice is unfair. You should be a Good Chair and make sure that there are interviews and not automatic renewals. Oh, look, a bunch of NTFTs in administrative roles are due to renewal re-application this month." GP does without telling anyone else.
6. New Chair informs NTFTs that they need to reapply for their positions 1 hour before the job ad goes live. NTFT says, "when I was hired, I was told that the position was renewable for as long as I wanted it." New Chair says, "Nope, this is more transparent. Good luck in your job search!"
7. NTFTs aren't rehired for those jobs (the New Chair is the hiring committee).

Since the FTNTs are on renewable contracts, and one of the ones who lost their admin position is actually up for renewal overall. Given the COVID state of things, there's some questions from the Dean's Office about that NTFT's position. It may develop that without the admin position this faculty member might not have any position here in the fall.

Garbage Person says he sleeps well at night because "I just did what everyone else was thinking."

Sounds like the New Chair is kind of a garbage person too.

[apl68]

Dear Self-Published Author,

Thank you for your submission.  I received it at the Mayor's office today--it came to them because you mailed it to the library's old address across the street from it.  The fact that you're using a mailing list that's at least 18 years out of date is not a good sign.

The real giveaway was where you listed your chiropractor degree among your credentials.  People with sore backs can sometimes feel better after seeing a chiropractor.  But chiropractors are NOT anything close to a medical doctor, and have no business publishing books that promise to revolutionize health and wellness.  The cover blurb endorsement from a somewhat has-been celebrity was not reassuring either.

I have no choice but to assume that you are a quack who is trying to donate this book to our library in hopes that gullible patrons will be inspired to buy whatever quack supplements, devices, or services you are peddling.  Helping to shill for you is not our job.  I am not even going to go to the trouble of carrying your ridiculous book back to the library with me.  It can lie around the Mayor's office until somebody gets around to putting it in File 13.

BTW, the glossy color photo section of yourself lounging in your garden, doing meditation, etc. was impressive in a way.  I've never seen that in a self-published quack medical book before.  Not sure what it has to do with medical services, though.  I guess the idea is to get readers to transfer your images of wealth and prosperity into the idea that you obviously know what you're talking about, in the manner of a TV gospel-of-wealth evangelist.

[mamselle]

Oh, golly.

My cousin was a chiropractor.

The mailings we got from his outfit...yeah.

M.

[fishbrains]

I guess the idea is to get readers to transfer your images of wealth and prosperity into the idea that you obviously know what you're talking about, in the manner of a TV gospel-of-wealth evangelist.

Hey, it worked for Trump.

[sinenomine]

Dear supervisor,
You seem to think that peppering us with emails makes you look like you're organized and helpful. However, your constantly having to follow up with corrections shows that you are neither.

[FishProf]

Dear CIO - when I tell you your policy is unclear AND tell you how to make it clear, responding that "It is clear" does not really solve the problem.  Nor does it give much hope for compliance.

Except malicious compliance.  Which is my favorite kind.

[ergative]

Look, I know you're super busy, but I'm getting really annoyed at constantly having to sub in for you at these meetings because you can't fulfill your responsibilities. Once it was an all-day training in another city. Don't volunteer for tasks you can't actually complete!

So, although I do have time to attend this one-hour zoom meeting on your behalf, I'm not going to volunteer to do it. Find someone else.

[fishbrains]

WTF? In this context, it doesn't matter when final grades from faculty are due. But it should have mattered a whole f*cking bunch when the students' assignments were due throughout the semester. Yeesh!

[the_geneticist]

You know what I HATE about online teaching?  The ridiculous game of whack-a-mole to get my materials removed from Chegg, CourseHero, and other sites.  The fact that it's so much easier (and so tempting!) for students to cheat.  I hate filling out the misconduct forms.  And the fact that most of the students who are cheating are cheating badly.  Weird, random answers from folks on the internet are usually wrong.
But sure, let's talk about how online classes are GREAT and we should be offering MORE of them!

[kiana]

You know what I HATE about online teaching?  The ridiculous game of whack-a-mole to get my materials removed from Chegg, CourseHero, and other sites.  The fact that it's so much easier (and so tempting!) for students to cheat.  I hate filling out the misconduct forms.  And the fact that most of the students who are cheating are cheating badly.  Weird, random answers from folks on the internet are usually wrong.
But sure, let's talk about how online classes are GREAT and we should be offering MORE of them!

100%. And the fact that dealing with cheating is necessarily reactive rather than proactive. I have caught more people cheating this semester than I have in TEN YEARS of fulltime teaching prior to this.

[FishProf]

Maybe you should waylay the President in the parking lot and beg him to renew you for one more year.  Then he can kick it to the Provost, who will kick it to the Dean, who will demand an explanation from me.  THAT should motivate me to bring you back for another year.

Oh wait, you already DID THIS.  And how is THAT working out for you?