the "things you wish you could say" thread

[fishbrains]

No, dip$hit, you don't pay my salary, and you are pitifully ignorant concerning how higher education is funded in this state. I would try to explain it to you based on your bright-shiny-object-centered learning style, but I left my glitzy finger puppets in the car.

[downer]

Dear quasi-Dean (and by the way, what exactly is your job?)

Thanks for sending the school syllabus template. It is indeed different from the one I had been using, since is is 14 pages long, before I've added any info about my own course. I see there are more policies packed in there than before.

Of course, it is not possible to believe the school actually has thought about what counts as a good syllabus. It's like getting a new phone that is so packed with bloatware that it is impossible to use. The first thing I do when I get a phone like that is uninstall as many apps as possible. I'd do the same with the syllabus.

The cherry on top was you mentioning that you didn't know if there would be a further revision of the template before the fall semester starts. Obviously the rational course of action for me is now to wait until the fall semester starts. I will start working on the syllabus then.

Yours truly.

PS Upon inspection, I find that the template you sent has typos and links to the school website that lead to a 404 error. At least you maintain consistent standards over time.

[onehappyunicorn]

You are an incredibly tiresome person, could you please pick up a new schtick? Being constantly aggrieved is not a great personality trait.

Thank you for making a major policy change on the first day classes start. I just did a training last week for our part-time and now I have to let them all know to please ignore what I spent half an hour training them on. Burying that change three-quarters of the way down a long email is not how I would do it but then you do make double my salary, what do I know.

[Harlow2]

Dear Usually Nice But Sometimes Clueless Graduate Student: you don't know my schedule, so don't —with no warning— decide that you need to meet with me and when. I'm trying to take some time for myself. Had you at least asked if it were possible to meet your request would have been more appropriately phrased.

[ergative]

Just because the data are messier in your domain of analysis than mine doesn't mean that it's more valid to say, 'eh, p=.06, that's close enough to count as significant'! If anything, the messiness of the data in your domain make it more important to be careful about p-hacking, not less! I didn't want to get in a fight in front of our joint student, so I didn't press it, but you're wrong. Just because it is standard and accepted in your field to pull the kinds of statistical shenanigans that you pull doesn't mean that the statistics are good or valid. You are right about what you can get away with to get published, but that doesn't mean you're right about the statistics.

The Bayesian revolution can't come too soon--but I'm pretty sure that when it does you'll look at those 95% credible intervals and say, 'well, 0 is included in the interval, but it's really close to the edge of the interval, so let's just accept that this posterior estimate probably should actually exclude 0. The actual data are so messy in the real world that we need to be more lenient.'

[sinenomine]

Dear admincritter: when I reach out to you with a question pertaining to your oversight to which you don't know the answer, just admit that, rather than sniping at me and sarcastically suggesting that I should do the research.

[the_geneticist]

To our prep staff for the teaching labs:
Yes, I'm asking you do prep a new lab.  You can do it.  Yes, I know it's a lot more work than pulling a box of crayons, glue, etc out of the storage room.  But our students are paying to learn molecular biology, not do a preschool art project. 

[jimbogumbo]

Just because the data are messier in your domain of analysis than mine doesn't mean that it's more valid to say, 'eh, p=.06, that's close enough to count as significant'! If anything, the messiness of the data in your domain make it more important to be careful about p-hacking, not less! I didn't want to get in a fight in front of our joint student, so I didn't press it, but you're wrong. Just because it is standard and accepted in your field to pull the kinds of statistical shenanigans that you pull doesn't mean that the statistics are good or valid. You are right about what you can get away with to get published, but that doesn't mean you're right about the statistics.

The Bayesian revolution can't come too soon--but I'm pretty sure that when it does you'll look at those 95% credible intervals and say, 'well, 0 is included in the interval, but it's really close to the edge of the interval, so let's just accept that this posterior estimate probably should actually exclude 0. The actual data are so messy in the real world that we need to be more lenient.'

From the long ago, entitled Hiawatha Designs an Experiment: http://www.columbia.edu/~to166/hiawatha.html

[Liquidambar]

To my coauthor:
Why is it that you can ask for extension after extension, but if I don't review your new edits tonight, you'll submit them without my approval?

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Gee, thanks for giving me a class and then not telling me. I'm glad I checked my schedule.

[ergative]

What the HELL, admin person? You are in charge of adminning the online exam resit. It's open for 24 hours, starting yesterday and closing today. Why did you decide to take today off? In what UNIVERSE do you think that you've put your responsibilities to bed before disappearing on leave when there is a TIME SENSITIVE ONLINE EXAM running RIGHT NOW? I have a student who emailed at midnight with technical problems, and you aren't there this morning. I don't know what's wrong. That's your job to handle. And you decided to go on leave today.

You can double bet I emailed all your colleagues asking if one of them could take over. Yeah, it makes you look bad. I don't care.

[sinenomine]

Gee, thanks for giving me a class and then not telling me. I'm glad I checked my schedule.

Wow — that's like a recurring academic nightmare I've had!

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Gee, thanks for giving me a class and then not telling me. I'm glad I checked my schedule.

Wow — that's like a recurring academic nightmare I've had!

I was so pissed about it. This person has an attitude of 'well, just deal with it', which doesn't help.

[arcturus]

Gee, thanks for giving me a class and then not telling me. I'm glad I checked my schedule.

Wow — that's like a recurring academic nightmare I've had!

I was so pissed about it. This person has an attitude of 'well, just deal with it', which doesn't help.

I don't understand why class assignments are so uncertain this close to the start of the semester. At my school, course schedules are due the previous fall for the current fall semester. At that time, my department consults with faculty regarding their preferred courses and times, looks over the requests and consults with relevant faculty if we do not have the proper distribution of courses, and then submits the schedule to the registrar. We are sometimes surprised regarding room assignments, but everyone knows the teaching schedule many months in advance. We did have one year where several faculty had unexpected illness and we had to scramble to find people to teach their classes, but that was an unusual circumstance and everyone was aware of what was happening (not the details of the illness, of course).

In any event, good luck EPW!

[dr_codex]

Gee, thanks for giving me a class and then not telling me. I'm glad I checked my schedule.

Wow — that's like a recurring academic nightmare I've had!

I was so pissed about it. This person has an attitude of 'well, just deal with it', which doesn't help.

I don't understand why class assignments are so uncertain this close to the start of the semester. At my school, course schedules are due the previous fall for the current fall semester. At that time, my department consults with faculty regarding their preferred courses and times, looks over the requests and consults with relevant faculty if we do not have the proper distribution of courses, and then submits the schedule to the registrar. We are sometimes surprised regarding room assignments, but everyone knows the teaching schedule many months in advance. We did have one year where several faculty had unexpected illness and we had to scramble to find people to teach their classes, but that was an unusual circumstance and everyone was aware of what was happening (not the details of the illness, of course).

In any event, good luck EPW!

You have stable enrollment, and have never worked at an institution with rolling admissions. If you did, you'd know how much the numbers can change, and how late in the summer.