Hoping this isn't spam, wd appreciate honest discussion w/ appropriate audience

[spork]

Having married a hot professor who was teaching a course I was taking, I say: go for it!

If it's any help, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I also wonder more generally if campus culture and country has a play in how appropriate certain things are for professors and students. The fact that I go to a liberal university in Canada?

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Having married a hot professor who was teaching a course I was taking, I say: go for it!

If it's any help, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

HAHAHA, this made me laugh.

Assuming this is true ;)

Yes, she's a babe, but this opens pandora's box my friend. Am I even her type? Am I equally as attractive, having a vagina just doesn't cut it you know?

[Morden]

Hi OP. Canadian professor here.
No. It's still really inappropriate (best case scenario).

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Hi OP. Canadian professor here.
No. It's still really inappropriate (best case scenario).

Thank you.

[arcturus]

While I agree with others that it sounds like there may have been inappropriate conduct by your professor, I also hear you saying that you are interested in pursuing this relationship further. If this is the case, I would remind you that it is also your responsibility to behave in a professional manner. While a professor has the primary responsibility for making certain that the educational environment (and instructor-student relationships therein) is fair and free of harrassment, students must also not instigate such situations. It is helpful to keep in mind that there are two people that could be hurt if you pursue this: you and the professor. I would also caution that if you are interested in going to graduate school to study topics related to what you have been learning from this professor, it is also better to avoid a personal relationship even after you have graduated, as most research communities are close-knit and such a relationship could reflect poorly both on you and the professor in question. It is fine to admire a professor for their research, teaching, and/or service. Just don't act on that in a way that could be misinterpreted and put your professional career in jeopardy.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

While I agree with others that it sounds like there may have been inappropriate conduct by your professor, I also hear you saying that you are interested in pursuing this relationship further. If this is the case, I would remind you that it is also your responsibility to behave in a professional manner. While a professor has the primary responsibility for making certain that the educational environment (and instructor-student relationships therein) is fair and free of harrassment, students must also not instigate such situations. It is helpful to keep in mind that there are two people that could be hurt if you pursue this: you and the professor. I would also caution that if you are interested in going to graduate school to study topics related to what you have been learning from this professor, it is also better to avoid a personal relationship even after you have graduated, as most research communities are close-knit and such a relationship could reflect poorly both on you and the professor in question. It is fine to admire a professor for their research, teaching, and/or service. Just don't act on that in a way that could be misinterpreted and put your professional career in jeopardy.

Extremely wise and helpful advise. This one really hit home.

I do wonder if somehow I "instigated" her questioning by having the crush, you know, maybe she thought I was going to come onto her or that I was being disrespectful to her in class by staring? I did stand close to her a few times when we were talking.

I do understand how this could be uncomfortable for a professor. But you know I haven't done things like linger outside her door, or try to pry into her personal life or touch myself in her presence you know? Again, trying to understand but may need to accept there was some misconduct!

My crush brain will need to accept this reality, about research being a closed knit field and that action after graduation could be harmful to both of us.

[Caracal]

To be honest, I never really thought about it that way. I think she brought it to light because she does reserach on LGBT people and wanted to offer me a position in her lab. Second, I think she was concerned about my behaviour, maybe I was staring? Maybe I was talking to much to her after class?

I haven't had this happen to me, but I do know instructors who have had students who seemed overly interested in them, hung around too long, seemed too familiar etc. They responded by creating really firm boundaries, avoiding chit chat and telling the student they had to run and couldn't talk after class. I'm not sure you were really doing anything inappropriate or weird, but if you were, any non creepy person with any sense, would see this as a potentially risky situation. If a student didn't take the hint and continued to act strangely, I'd talk to my chair and the dean of students. I would not in a million years ask the student if they were attracted to me.

I think you're allowing yourself to take the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. I doubt you were doing anything outrageous or obvious. I suspect it is actually that your professor is paying too much attention to her students.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

To be honest, I never really thought about it that way. I think she brought it to light because she does reserach on LGBT people and wanted to offer me a position in her lab. Second, I think she was concerned about my behaviour, maybe I was staring? Maybe I was talking to much to her after class?

I haven't had this happen to me, but I do know instructors who have had students who seemed overly interested in them, hung around too long, seemed too familiar etc. They responded by creating really firm boundaries, avoiding chit chat and telling the student they had to run and couldn't talk after class. I'm not sure you were really doing anything inappropriate or weird, but if you were, any non creepy person with any sense, would see this as a potentially risky situation. If a student didn't take the hint and continued to act strangely, I'd talk to my chair and the dean of students. I would not in a million years ask the student if they were attracted to me.

I think you're allowing yourself to take the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. I doubt you were doing anything outrageous or obvious. I suspect it is actually that your professor is paying too much attention to her students.

It's possible that I was overly familiar with her, but this was after she got personal with me in her office. She told me about her life, so I did the same. I think she did try to keep chit chat to the minimum after this, but I didn't linger any longer than I needed to unless it was class related. The slightly long stares do come out sometimes though.

You know, she recently told me that her ex-husband slept with a student <-- I think, this is a red flag, from what you all have been telling me.

I hear what you're saying altogether, and I do realize I might be unduly taking blame.

[mahagonny]

Get your professional scene taken care of first. Then maybe you can get something going later. Careers are a minefield, but romance is even worse, even without these complications. Sorry, I'm weatherbeaten, fearful and negative, but at least I'm practical.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Get your professional scene taken care of first. Then maybe you can get something going later. Careers are a minefield, but romance is even worse, even without these complications. Sorry, I'm weatherbeaten, fearful and negative, but at least I'm practical.

I like your honesty and it's good advise!

[Hegemony]

If she thought you were going to come on to her, she should have made sure she saw you only in public places and very rigorously avoided any personal talk whatsoever. Telling you about her sexual inclinations and her ex-husband's sex life is so inappropriate I can hardly express it. Both of you have no idea of appropriate boundaries whatsoever. And it sounds as if both of you have no inclination to learn. Whereas she could get fired from the ensuing debacle (yes, even at a liberal Canadian university), you probably have less at stake, other than scuppering your chances at a career in the field you're studying. In my experience, there are some people who are not averse to drama and high intrigue, even if the fall-out is harmful, and my guess is that you may be birds of a feather in that respect.  Since, as I surmise, you're not interested in weighing whether the relationship would be healthy, I guess there's not much else we can tell you.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

If she thought you were going to come on to her, she should have made sure she saw you only in public places and very rigorously avoided any personal talk whatsoever. Telling you about her sexual inclinations and her ex-husband's sex life is so inappropriate I can hardly express it. Both of you have no idea of appropriate boundaries whatsoever. And it sounds as if both of you have no inclination to learn. Whereas she could get fired from the ensuing debacle (yes, even at a liberal Canadian university), you probably have less at stake, other than scuppering your chances at a career in the field you're studying. In my experience, there are some people who are not averse to drama and high intrigue, even if the fall-out is harmful, and my guess is that you may be birds of a feather in that respect.  Since, as I surmise, you're not interested in weighing whether the relationship would be healthy, I guess there's not much else we can tell you.

This post is harsh. But I understand where you're coming from. I haven't been weighing enough whether the relationship is justifiable or not given the possible fallout. I htink arcturus's points are relevant here also.

[ergative]

Just coming back in to comment on Jane_Fran_2025's comment that this professor does research on LGBT people. If this is literally her area of research, then she should be doubly sensitive to the social and professional problems inherent in the comments she's been making. Even if she researched particle physics or ethnomusicology, I'd expert her to behave appropriately, but if she thinks this is appropriate while simultaneously researching issues related to sexuality, then that suggests she's not only unprofessional, but also bad at her job..

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Just coming back in to comment on Jane_Fran_2025's comment that this professor does research on LGBT people. If this is literally her area of research, then she should be doubly sensitive to the social and professional problems inherent in the comments she's been making. Even if she researched particle physics or ethnomusicology, I'd expert her to behave appropriately, but if she thinks this is appropriate while simultaneously researching issues related to sexuality, then that suggests she's not only unprofessional, but also bad at her job..

You're right and I've made this point very publicly at school (pre-corona).

I wish that I could disclose more context to talk about it and get more clarity, but I wouldn't want this post to be too accurate. If anyone is open to a PM, I guess you can ding me. But for now, I agree with what you've said!