Hoping this isn't spam, wd appreciate honest discussion w/ appropriate audience

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Thank you for all your helpful commentary.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Just coming back in to comment on Jane_Fran_2025's comment that this professor does research on LGBT people. If this is literally her area of research, then she should be doubly sensitive to the social and professional problems inherent in the comments she's been making. Even if she researched particle physics or ethnomusicology, I'd expert her to behave appropriately, but if she thinks this is appropriate while simultaneously researching issues related to sexuality, then that suggests she's not only unprofessional, but also bad at her job..

This comment is hard to unpack. I am really of the attitude my professor meant no harm. There are complexities to the scenario I haven't mentioned and perhaps, yes, her delivery was poor. I'm not going to continue to hold her accountable for that, she's doing a lot for me professionally and unfortunately, I'm also in this situation. Just gatta deal.

[Ruralguy]

Most of us have had some sort of crush, possibly even mutual, that  would likely have been inappropriate if it had become a relationship. So, I think most of us understand that aspect.
But it starts to go off the rails when both parties seem to accelerate the situation.

If you both accept that and are open about it all, then go forward, but realize the risks, and realize that the legal and educational systems in your country may not be on your side (either of you).

[By the way...that earlier comment about not having kids....not sure what that had to do with my post...still scratching my bald head over that one....]

[polly_mer]

Thank you for all your helpful commentary.

So, Jane_Fran_2025,

(A) are you going to actually act on the information indicating what a terrible idea becoming romantically involved with your professor is likely to be

or

(B) are you going to go with drama and a possible long-shot success because we can't possibly know with 100% certainty that this will go badly for you and all those books/movies/television shows about forbidden love tend to have a pretty good success rate for those who just want it enough to ignore conventional wisdom?

[mahagonny]

Or, if you really want to make sure you don't blow it, stop working with this professor now and find another one you can finish your studies with.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Most of us have had some sort of crush, possibly even mutual, that  would likely have been inappropriate if it had become a relationship. So, I think most of us understand that aspect.
But it starts to go off the rails when both parties seem to accelerate the situation.

If you both accept that and are open about it all, then go forward, but realize the risks, and realize that the legal and educational systems in your country may not be on your side (either of you).

[By the way...that earlier comment about not having kids....not sure what that had to do with my post...still scratching my bald head over that one....]

Keep scratching! I don't remember what I meant!

I respect this answer. I think we are both ok with things. We are quite open and honest with each other and I'm actually ok with that. I rather clear the air.

For the future of things, I'm more worried about reputation and gossip. Legal would be a-ok after graduation.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Thank you for all your helpful commentary.

So, Jane_Fran_2025,

(A) are you going to actually act on the information indicating what a terrible idea becoming romantically involved with your professor is likely to be

or

(B) are you going to go with drama and a possible long-shot success because we can't possibly know with 100% certainty that this will go badly for you and all those books/movies/television shows about forbidden love tend to have a pretty good success rate for those who just want it enough to ignore conventional wisdom?

Someone brought it to my attention more personally that, me pursuing her is a real threat to her well-being. You know, I know the situation is fraught with drama and everyone has an opinion. But for me, my feeling is that I do want to get to know her, and that means I care for that person I want to know, for whatever that's worth. This person has also really inspired me elsewhere.

I think the best possible scenario is a professional friendship. If after I let go, some years go by, after I finish my studies. We will see. My #1 priority is to do no harm, if I can't possibly approach her without doing harm, I can't approach her.

[Caracal]

Most of us have had some sort of crush, possibly even mutual, that  would likely have been inappropriate if it had become a relationship. So, I think most of us understand that aspect.
But it starts to go off the rails when both parties seem to accelerate the situation.

This is very true. Younger people tend to invest crushes with a lot of meaning. As I've gotten older, they don't seem particularly important. Part of that might be that the costs and risks of keeping alive a crush are usually small when you're younger. I had a crush on my best friend's girlfriend for about 6 years in my teens and early 20s. She didn't leave him fro me, alas, but if she had it would have just been sort of awkward in my friend group. There wouldn't have been professional implications. I had time to really indulge it, because most of that time there really wasn't a lot going on in my romantic life. We finally did date and realized that we were very compatible as friends and totally incompatible as a couple.

I think of a crush as when I get to know someone and realize that if I we were both 23, single and I had met this person through my softball league or whatever, I would be thinking "oh, I like them, I feel like maybe there's a little rapport here, maybe I should ask them out." Twenty-Three year old me would not have asked them out, sadly, but he would have thought a lot about it. The older you get, the more experience you have of that feeling attaching itself to various situations in which acting on, or even indulging those feelings, would be a bad idea. This isn't actually torturous, because for most of us pursuing these things isn't particularly appealing. I  feel awkward exchanging banal greetings with colleagues in the hallway without having any torrid, forbidden love affairs. '

That your professor isn't thinking this way is a little alarming. I think the reason all of us are so much more leery about her behavior than you are, is because we have a sense of just what a weird, complicated, likely unpleasant situation she is allowing herself to become enmeshed in. She may well have a crush on you too, but she could just file that away in "feelings that are not relevant to my job or life" and move on. She doesn't need to wear a hair shirt, or avoid talking to you. She just can ignore a totally harmless feeling. Why not? Well most of the options aren't great. Maybe she's going through a bad personal stretch, feels bad about herself and enjoys the attention you're giving her. Maybe she just pursues people whenever she has any interest in them, no matter the circumstances. Maybe, despite being older, she is just immature and likes to get swept away on these things. Perhaps she is immature, and would prefer to date younger people who don't challenge her, and finds that the sort of young people inclined to be starstruck by her, can much more easily be found in her classrooms than through online dating.

Or, maybe it is just that you guys have a deep connection. I know people who started dating in dubious circumstances and made it work. So who knows. I think one of the less appealing explanations of the professors behavior is a lot more likely, however, and if I'm right, this really isn't the sort of person you want to get into a relationship with. I worry that you're likely to get hurt.

[polly_mer]

Thank you for all your helpful commentary.

So, Jane_Fran_2025,

(A) are you going to actually act on the information indicating what a terrible idea becoming romantically involved with your professor is likely to be

or

(B) are you going to go with drama and a possible long-shot success because we can't possibly know with 100% certainty that this will go badly for you and all those books/movies/television shows about forbidden love tend to have a pretty good success rate for those who just want it enough to ignore conventional wisdom?

Someone brought it to my attention more personally that, me pursuing her is a real threat to her well-being. You know, I know the situation is fraught with drama and everyone has an opinion. But for me, my feeling is that I do want to get to know her, and that means I care for that person I want to know, for whatever that's worth. This person has also really inspired me elsewhere.

I think the best possible scenario is a professional friendship. If after I let go, some years go by, after I finish my studies. We will see. My #1 priority is to do no harm, if I can't possibly approach her without doing harm, I can't approach her.

So you've opted for drama. 

OK. 

I look forward to seeing your letter in one of the usual relationship advice columns where the entire commentariat points out the entirely foreseeable tragedy that could have been avoided at the beginning by taking the  logical action that doesn't result in drama and then extra, extra drama when it all blows up.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Most of us have had some sort of crush, possibly even mutual, that  would likely have been inappropriate if it had become a relationship. So, I think most of us understand that aspect.
But it starts to go off the rails when both parties seem to accelerate the situation.

This is very true. Younger people tend to invest crushes with a lot of meaning. As I've gotten older, they don't seem particularly important. Part of that might be that the costs and risks of keeping alive a crush are usually small when you're younger. I had a crush on my best friend's girlfriend for about 6 years in my teens and early 20s. She didn't leave him fro me, alas, but if she had it would have just been sort of awkward in my friend group. There wouldn't have been professional implications. I had time to really indulge it, because most of that time there really wasn't a lot going on in my romantic life. We finally did date and realized that we were very compatible as friends and totally incompatible as a couple.

I think of a crush as when I get to know someone and realize that if I we were both 23, single and I had met this person through my softball league or whatever, I would be thinking "oh, I like them, I feel like maybe there's a little rapport here, maybe I should ask them out." Twenty-Three year old me would not have asked them out, sadly, but he would have thought a lot about it. The older you get, the more experience you have of that feeling attaching itself to various situations in which acting on, or even indulging those feelings, would be a bad idea. This isn't actually torturous, because for most of us pursuing these things isn't particularly appealing. I  feel awkward exchanging banal greetings with colleagues in the hallway without having any torrid, forbidden love affairs. '

That your professor isn't thinking this way is a little alarming. I think the reason all of us are so much more leery about her behavior than you are, is because we have a sense of just what a weird, complicated, likely unpleasant situation she is allowing herself to become enmeshed in. She may well have a crush on you too, but she could just file that away in "feelings that are not relevant to my job or life" and move on. She doesn't need to wear a hair shirt, or avoid talking to you.

She just can ignore a totally harmless feeling. Why not? Well most of the options aren't great. Maybe she's going through a bad personal stretch, feels bad about herself and enjoys the attention you're giving her. Maybe she just pursues people whenever she has any interest in them, no matter the circumstances. Maybe, despite being older, she is just immature and likes to get swept away on these things. Perhaps she is immature, and would prefer to date younger people who don't challenge her, and finds that the sort of young people inclined to be starstruck by her, can much more easily be found in her classrooms than through online dating.

Or, maybe it is just that you guys have a deep connection. I know people who started dating in dubious circumstances and made it work. So who knows. I think one of the less appealing explanations of the professors behavior is a lot more likely, however, and if I'm right, this really isn't the sort of person you want to get into a relationship with. I worry that you're likely to get hurt.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I wanted the perspective of professors, because I obviously can't see from your side of the table.

I'm single and I like dating, and I enjoy investing in beautiful women, but only if they are truly worth my time. I invest because I have the time.

After you guys have spoken to me, I did notice that my professor stares back at me when I stare, because I sometimes stare. I caught her walking into her office while I was going into a class and she stared back very pleasantly at me, but please, my crush brain is so real. I'm assuming if she was worried she should have shut this down? We also have had some serious stares in her office that I didn't realize was happening till much later into our staring competition, but I think I"m partly to blame for that. She sometimes fixes her hair when I'm in the office, it happened once, my crush brain noticed, but I see that as a sign of being comfortable.

Maybe she does like the attention?

More than likely, maybe I was making her uncomfortable and instead of going to the dean she was trying to tell me. This is the kinder option. I don't think that's too far away from the truth, though the other option was to ignore. I heard a story the other day about a female professor who felt unsafe because a male student had decided she was into him. Maybe she thought I thought she was into me, or that I was secretly trying to get with her. I wasn't. This would explain a lot. (But I again, I don't linger, stalk, touch, or have unrelated, meaningless conversation with her. I do sometimes stand too close to her but I very OPENLY and FORCEFULLY back away, lol.) I don't really see the problem with finding someone attractive or having a crush.

And I haven't learnt what you have spoken about, on how to ignore it and have no interest in pursuing the crushes I experience.

I'm sorry, I'm still wrapping my head around all you've told me. Yes, from your perspective I can see how, from all the other optinos you've given me, how this can be construed as inappropriate.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Thank you for all your helpful commentary.

So, Jane_Fran_2025,

(A) are you going to actually act on the information indicating what a terrible idea becoming romantically involved with your professor is likely to be

or

(B) are you going to go with drama and a possible long-shot success because we can't possibly know with 100% certainty that this will go badly for you and all those books/movies/television shows about forbidden love tend to have a pretty good success rate for those who just want it enough to ignore conventional wisdom?

Someone brought it to my attention more personally that, me pursuing her is a real threat to her well-being. You know, I know the situation is fraught with drama and everyone has an opinion. But for me, my feeling is that I do want to get to know her, and that means I care for that person I want to know, for whatever that's worth. This person has also really inspired me elsewhere.

I think the best possible scenario is a professional friendship. If after I let go, some years go by, after I finish my studies. We will see. My #1 priority is to do no harm, if I can't possibly approach her without doing harm, I can't approach her.

So you've opted for drama. 

OK. 

I look forward to seeing your letter in one of the usual relationship advice columns where the entire commentariat points out the entirely foreseeable tragedy that could have been avoided at the beginning by taking the  logical action that doesn't result in drama and then extra, extra drama when it all blows up.

I mean I didn't say yes or no, I said I would avoid harm, to me, and to her. I'm not a robot.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

Now that I'm finally talking about this:

I think my teacher was trying to get me to talk about sexuality, because she wanted me to openly discuss it with my other classmates. Teaching me what to teach. I didn't end up doing this with them because I didn't want to, instead, I opened up to her because that's how she was choosing to connect with me and who would waste an opportunity to connect with a prof. And a beautiful one at that. She might have subsequently asked me about the crush in an attempt to clarify whether I misinterpreted her.

[Caracal]

Now that I'm finally talking about this:

I think my teacher was trying to get me to talk about sexuality, because she wanted me to openly discuss it with my other classmates. Teaching me what to teach. I didn't end up doing this with them because I didn't want to, instead, I opened up to her because that's how she was choosing to connect with me and who would waste an opportunity to connect with a prof. And a beautiful one at that. She might have subsequently asked me about the crush in an attempt to clarify whether I misinterpreted her.

Wait, she asked you in class if you were gay? Or somewhere else in front of other students? Oy.

[Jane_Fran_2025]

I can't answer this fully. Just know that I was asked.