Caring for Elderly Parents

[Morden]

Hi Pensive, My mom hasn't been able to figure out pushing virtual buttons on a screen (smart phone or tablet), so that's something to test out before purchasing anything. I don't know if she pushes too hard or too soft or what.
Is it possible to have something like home care come out to periodically check in on your mom? Even something like Meals on Wheels means that there are eyes on her on a regular basis.

[Penna]

Yeah, that's a good point about the issue of using a touchscreen, Morden.  I'm not sure how she would do with that now that I think of it.

I don't think she would income-qualify for Meals on Wheels and I don't think medically she qualifies for home care.  And she is very resistant to the the idea of "extra" costs for anything. On my list of things to look into is the local Senior "Friends" Center in her area.  Several years ago, I did get her to agree to join, but then she didn't go to one event/class etc. the year she had a (low-cost) paid membership.  And of course now I think their in-person activities are not happening anyway due to the pandemic.

I sort of feel like she "falls between the cracks" (medically and financially) in terms of getting assistance.  I don't know if she really needs/is "ready" for assisted living, but maybe she is.  But then I find myself thinking that maybe now doesn't seem like the best time to consider something like assisted living since as far as avoiding coronavirus is concerned, maybe it's better that she's not living in any type of "group" environment. 

[nebo113]

Yeah, that's a good point about the issue of using a touchscreen, Morden.  I'm not sure how she would do with that now that I think of it.

I don't think she would income-qualify for Meals on Wheels and I don't think medically she qualifies for home care.  And she is very resistant to the the idea of "extra" costs for anything. On my list of things to look into is the local Senior "Friends" Center in her area.  Several years ago, I did get her to agree to join, but then she didn't go to one event/class etc. the year she had a (low-cost) paid membership.  And of course now I think their in-person activities are not happening anyway due to the pandemic.

I sort of feel like she "falls between the cracks" (medically and financially) in terms of getting assistance.  I don't know if she really needs/is "ready" for assisted living, but maybe she is.  But then I find myself thinking that maybe now doesn't seem like the best time to consider something like assisted living since as far as avoiding coronavirus is concerned, maybe it's better that she's not living in any type of "group" environment.

Several years ago, my mother made the decision to move to an independent living retirement community.  She has a very nice two bedroom apartment, her cat, and her car.  While the facility itself provides no nursing/medical care, many of the residents are frail and have some form of care giving.  At 91, my mother is very healthy, but has accommodated to the frailty of those around her.  Although the transition was quite difficult for her (even though it was her decision),  we are all glad she made it.  She has other people around, can take all meals in a dining room (though she doesn't always), can usually round up a bridge four some, walks inside/outside....  Fortunately, the facility saw the writing on the wall around March 10, and started putting procedures in place to safeguard the residents, in a red state with a dumb governor.  While I agree that now s not the time to move, it might be a good time to look around and see what's available.   And, honestly, in many places, new retirement apartments are being built, so it's a good time to negotiate on price.

[Penna]

Thanks, nebo.  I'm glad your mom has found a good situation.  I have been thinking for several years that the situation you describe is what would be ideal for my mom. If not for the pandemic, I would have been trying to get her to consider something like that this summer, since she didn't want to consider any change while her bf was still alive.  She is very concerned about the extra costs, though--she's been living in essentially a drastically rent-controlled apartment (owned by the family of her one friend that I mentioned) and currently pays less than $500/month (plus utilities) for a tiny one-bedroom.  From the brief looking into it that I've done so far, I think her monthly costs for the type of community you describe would go up dramatically.  I think she still might be able to afford it if she dipped into her savings each month to supplement her monthly income from Social Security and a state retirement pension, but in the past she's been very resistant to the idea of moving.  Maybe the realities of the current situation will start to change her mind.  At any rate, it's on my list of things to do this summer to try to research communities like that in her area.

[Morden]

My 94-year-old mother refuses to tell anyone over the phone that she's not feeling well. Even in person, it's like playing 20 questions--and she flat out lies to doctors to minimize her symptoms. Aargh.

[mamselle]

Oh, yes.

My folks had a major car accident, didn't tell anyone until a week later. Twice.

My mom had maintenance surgery on her pacemaker the week after I visited once. She never told me during the visit that she was going in.

But then, she never told anyone she was having a pacemaker installed to begin with, either, until about a month later.

Either one of them might have fallen multiple times--they only told you long afterwards, if at all.

It's a control thing, maybe, as well as fear of MDs, as you say.

But my folks weren't afraid of those, they just didn't tell THEM anything, either.

When I tried to explain about being ones own advocate because medical personnel are often preoccupied and need help knowing what's been happening, they told me they didn't think that was right.

They felt like the doctor got paid to figure out what was wrong, so why do their work for them?

Arrggghhhh....they're both gone now, RIP, but that was one of the most difficult parts of the whole pastoral experience.

M.

[Morden]

Thanks Mamselle. Yes, why would you tell the physician things that might help them figure out what was going on?

[paultuttle]

When my maternal grandfather--a farmer who'd had herds of cattle, pens of pigs, chicken houses, a lucrative egg business, and multiple corn and wheat fields--was (ahem!) getting old and (increasingly) crotchety, he'd go to the doctor and sit there on the exam table, silent as a knot on a log.

My mother, a nurse, would say, "Daddy, go ahead and tell the doctor what you told me." He wouldn't respond.

Being somewhat similar to her father, she tackled the problem head-on in the car after one such visit: "Daddy, why won't you tell the doctor what's wrong? The doctor won't know unless you describe the problem."

She laughed until she cried when she told us at the dinner table that night how he'd responded: "Sugar, he's a professional. He ought to be able to look at me and figure out what my problems are without me saying a thing."

Mom's comment: "Daddy must've thought he'd gone to a veterinarian." And then she'd be cracking up again.

[Morden]

Hi everyone. My mother is moving into a care home this week. She'll have a small empty room, and they provide meals, activities, etc. Once she's in, she has to go into a 2 week quarantine. I have been making a list of things to move in (twin bed, dresser, TV, chair, lamp, etc.), and of course her clothes and toiletries, but I'm sure I'm missing stuff. What smallish items do you think would be useful?

[mamselle]

1. When you ask her, what does she say she wants?

2. If she has a little 'office spot' where she always sits (my dad's was the rocking chair with an old school desk beside it; my mom's was the corner of the sofa with the lampstand at her elbow), what does she surround herself with?

My mom had her magnifying glass, for reading the newspaper, her scissors, for cutting out articles to send us, a box of envelopes, stamps, pencils, pens, and a pencil sharpener, and a doily for under her ever-present coffee cup.

Nearby was a little plastic box with a jar of Vicks, a small container of baby oil for her hands, a bottle of baby aspirin, kleenex, and a slightly damp washcloth in a plastic baggie that she rotated each morning on her way to the bathroom.

She often liked to sleep there (and when you're 92, who's to say you can't?) so she had a couple of hard pillows and a knee rug to curl up in.

Oh, and an extra pair of glasses and a little ashtray with paperclips and rubber bands in it.

Looking around my current sofabed/laptop den the other day, I realized I've replicated my mom's little niche right down to the Vicks and the paperclips.

Comfort food for the communicative.

M.

[spork]

Hi everyone. My mother is moving into a care home this week. She'll have a small empty room, and they provide meals, activities, etc. Once she's in, she has to go into a 2 week quarantine. I have been making a list of things to move in (twin bed, dresser, TV, chair, lamp, etc.), and of course her clothes and toiletries, but I'm sure I'm missing stuff. What smallish items do you think would be useful?

Are microwaves allowed?

[Morden]

Thanks Mamselle and Spork. I'm not sure about the microwave; I will ask.

[Cheerful]

Cheerful things to hang on the walls and door.  Maybe she has a favorite wall-hanging at home or would enjoy some completely new decorations for the walls and door?

Change them up frequently to keep things fresh and fun?  Or not, depending on her preferences and what brings her the most comfort and joy.

Best wishes with her move.  Hope she settles in nicely.

[mamselle]

A couple of other things: family pictures big enough she can see them, and...this was odd, but...a shredder by her knee. 

I reminded my mom once that as avidly as she was going through all her old papers, I hoped she wouldn't shred our birth certificates by mistake...

M.

[Volhiker78]

My mom used her TV watching chair as her 'office' chair and had a small roll out table so she could have things in front of her when she sat there.  She didn't use a computer so she was reliant on the mail. She had small trays for stamps/envelopes.  Also had a small scissors, envelope opener and had a small tray of pens, paper clips, binder clips, Scotch tape. She still made lists of things to do so she used small stick-um pads. Also had a small folder for financial stuff, checks, bank statements.