Caring for Elderly Parents

[bibliothecula]

Thank you all, very much. <3

[irhack]

Mom let me know last night that she was 48 hours away from running out of two medications. Problem, because 1. she won't see her new doctor here till next week so they can't prescribe anything, and 2. we weren't able to change her address with the SSA till last week which 3. prevented us from enrolling in medicare part D until today, which won't take effect until November 1.

Let it be know that the medicare drug coverage information site is completely useless. I still have no idea how much she will be paying out of pocket once Part D kicks in,  even after meeting with a special medicare counselor.  And of course we will have to pay fully out of pocket for this medication refill today, if the local pharmacy is even able to transfer it from out of state. My first pass with the medicare site said one of the meds has a retail cost of $450. The next time I logged in, they said the retail cost is $1200. Either way is NOT AWESOME.

This too shall pass.

[mamselle]

SHEESH!!!

That's a lot. (understatement)...

Ouch.

Looking backwards for next-time prevention (hindsight being immaculate, of course) I think there are project-management-type programs that let you enter your Rx issue dates, prescription written-by-when dates, etc., so you can manage this better going forward...not your fault, I'm not saying that, but...yee--ouch!

Is your mom less time-conscious, or just less aware that delayed Rx's are this costly?

Thinking of you.

M.

[polly_mer]

Anyone else talking with elderly parents and sighing heavily because those parents flat out refuse to believe that social isolation is the right course of action?

I couldn't believe it yesterday when the plan was to go out for coffee etc. more often now that people in their social circles had additional free time due to not going to work.   

It's bad enough in your location that office folks are told not to go to work and that's a time to increase social contact?  Schools are closed, entertainment venues are closed, public offices are closed, and yet you're going to increase going out with your underlying conditions with the youngest of you being 75.  What an interesting choice based on all the information we have.

[reener06]

Yes! We finally convinced Fox-watching in-laws, age 70, to socially isolate. They acted like we were crazy at first. Now they are on board.

89 year old father is thankfully already isolated sadly due to a back injury. But it took nurse sister to convince my brother, who flies for work and was returning from Houston to NOT visit Dad on his birthday. But no one saw any reason that other brother, with wife who works in school district that was still meeting as of last week, to cancel their weekend visit. And brother is suddenly in the last year a very dedicated Catholic, so I'm fairly certain he and wife went to mass. Dad thought I was nuts to suggest brother shouldn't come. He thought it odd that Houston-visiting brother was cancelling. Meanwhile, sister that works in a hospital is taking Dad to a doctor's appointment in large city tomorrow.

I should add that Houston-flying brother thinks it's all a hoax and people are unnecessarily hysterical. Also, I am a Type I diabetic and have never been so glad to live far from all these people.

Dad signed off with "continue your life as normal." I shocked him into silence when I told him I hadn't left the house for a week and don't plan to leave for months.

[AmLitHist]

Polly, here's an article that our daughter (29) sent me yesterday.  I asked if this was her nice way of saying, "Dang, Mom. you and Dad are OLD--stay at home!"  She just smiled.  Squirt.

It's got some good ideas though.  Right now ALHS has to put a leash on his mom, who turns 90 at the end of the month.  She doesn't go much anyway, but she lives alone in an apartment, and if the doors at church are open, she thinks she has to be there, so he's trying to stop that, too.  I've been staying away from her anyway, since I've got a raging sinus infection and don't want to give/get anything to/from her.  Still.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/coronavirus-parents-grandparents-boomers-millennials
There are actually some good ideas in here that others might want to try.

ETA:  Reener, I'm type 2, with last year full of health problems under my belt, so I'm right there with you.  We're on break and have been ordered to report next week (second week of spring break), even if our classes are already moved online.  I'll be damned if I go in for the remaining weeks when I'm teaching only online, OR use 6 weeks of sick leave over it (which I have, but which is BS).

[wellfleet]

I live with my mom, who has, thankfully, agreed to stay home. She has some medical/therapy appts this week, and we are letting her providers make the call about whether she should go to those or not.

[paultuttle]

Anyone else talking with elderly parents and sighing heavily because those parents flat out refuse to believe that social isolation is the right course of action?

I couldn't believe it yesterday when the plan was to go out for coffee etc. more often now that people in their social circles had additional free time due to not going to work.   

It's bad enough in your location that office folks are told not to go to work and that's a time to increase social contact?  Schools are closed, entertainment venues are closed, public offices are closed, and yet you're going to increase going out with your underlying conditions with the youngest of you being 75.  What an interesting choice based on all the information we have.

Mine didn't have a social reason but a grocery-shopping reason. In an era in which groceries can be picked up via drive-thru or even delivered to his house, which is 5 min from a Harris Teeter and 5 in the other direction from a Food Lion, my 80+ year old father decided to DRIVE TO AND GO INTO MULTIPLE GROCERY STORES THIS PAST SATURDAY IN SEARCH OF 3 GALLONS OF MILK.

I was--what's the British expression?--gobsmacked. (Clearly, those 3 gallons were worth his and Mom's lives.) I had to quickly extract a promise to tell us the grocery list and we'd go get items for them and leave the groceries on their porch.

I mean, damn. "Why, yes, we are listening to the news, Paul--what's your question?" Wow. Really? You were listening?

**planning to call tonight and ask where's the list that was promised by noon Tuesday**

[Morden]

Hmm. Yes. I have a 94 year old who watches the news, reads the paper, etc. but still can't see why she isn't allowed to see her 92 year old husband in the care home right now. (They are in lock down.) It's heartbreaking but also extremely frustrating--No, you can't go see him tomorrow either. No, not the next day. No, not tomorrow. No, not the next day. etc.

[apostrophe]

(following)

[Thursday's_Child]

Anyone else talking with elderly parents and sighing heavily because those parents flat out refuse to believe that social isolation is the right course of action?

I couldn't believe it yesterday when the plan was to go out for coffee etc. more often now that people in their social circles had additional free time due to not going to work.   

It's bad enough in your location that office folks are told not to go to work and that's a time to increase social contact?  Schools are closed, entertainment venues are closed, public offices are closed, and yet you're going to increase going out with your underlying conditions with the youngest of you being 75.  What an interesting choice based on all the information we have.

Mine didn't have a social reason but a grocery-shopping reason. In an era in which groceries can be picked up via drive-thru or even delivered to his house, which is 5 min from a Harris Teeter and 5 in the other direction from a Food Lion, my 80+ year old father decided to DRIVE TO AND GO INTO MULTIPLE GROCERY STORES THIS PAST SATURDAY IN SEARCH OF 3 GALLONS OF MILK.

I was--what's the British expression?--gobsmacked. (Clearly, those 3 gallons were worth his and Mom's lives.) I had to quickly extract a promise to tell us the grocery list and we'd go get items for them and leave the groceries on their porch.

I mean, damn. "Why, yes, we are listening to the news, Paul--what's your question?" Wow. Really? You were listening?

**planning to call tonight and ask where's the list that was promised by noon Tuesday**

That's my parents, too.  Only, without any nearby family to help out.  Crossed fingers, hope, and prayers really aren't doing much to reduce my stress levels lately.

[mamselle]

Paul Tuttle, sounds like the social might have been blended in with the grocery reason, in a way, too...

I'm sure this is not likely to be your parents' case but the twin losses of many close friends to death, and the reduced mobility that keeps them from getting to see and talk with those that are left can make many people feel so bereft they'd rather be gone themselves...or that taking a reckless chance may be worth it, just to feel they're still alive, and not as imprisoned by circumstances as they may feel.

Elders are often already so much more isolated than in any earlier part of their lives that they may see dying from a disease as negligible in some instances.

I was a bit shocked when, the December before she died, my mom, 92, and apropos of nothing I can recall, said, "You know, I always thought I'd be gone by now..."

And I recalled another older friend saying once, "I get so tired of going to funerals! I need some younger friends!" and realized that the shrinking social circle closes in on one after awhile.

So, going for milk may not really have been about the milk at all.

M.

[ciao_yall]

Echoing Mamselle...

Years ago my grandmother wanted to go to her niece's funeral. My aunt wouldn't let her because she might catch a cold "which could be fatal!"

What is the point of being alive if you can't be around the people you love?

[polly_mer]

I encountered AmLitHist's buzzfeed article elsewhere and nodded while sighing.

My 80-year-old father worries about "the old guys who aren't as spry as they used to be" and that was well before this spring.  I remember that same father ending up shoveling a neighbor's roof in the height of winter about 35 years ago because "80-year-olds shouldn't be out in this weather and certainly not on the roof".  My just-turned-70 year old mother drives the "old folks" into the city for their medical appointments.  Those parents seem to be properly scaling back as part of a temporary measure for the good of the community. 

My in-laws, though...  No, it doesn't matter that even Fox News has made a shift and the Oklahoma governor had to walk back being proud of his outing on Saturday. No, it doesn't matter that "Why should you be off school, Blocky, when it's old farts like us who should be worried?  We're not worried and you should be in school!" has internal inconsistencies.


A colleague at work pointed out that one can arrange to have groceries delivered to a house at which one does not live, if home delivery is a thing in that area.  We may be making a midweek call to the in-laws and gifting them with home-delivered groceries for several weeks.  I haven't done anything in years to get the "you think you know what's best for everyone, don't you, Missy!" lecture (unlike other spouses married to their offspring).  It's probably my turn to be forward and get smacked down, especially since I'm the youngest and can't possibly know anything here at a mere older-than-they-were-when-I-married-their-son.

[wellfleet]

I am supremely thankful that I live with my mom, and that she's agreed to be in for the duration except for necessary medical appts. She's supposed to have a monthly infusion today--I'm not yet sure if that is happening. We are in one of the northern California counties on a three-week shelter in place order as of yesterday, and I'm working from home. Wellkid is currently on spring break, but I expect his school to throw some online assignments his way in April and then call the school year.

Luckily, my mother and I have a quilting and needlework supplies inventory that boggles the mind--she is diving into projects to keep herself busy, which is great.

Wellspouse normally works in the hospital half-time, doing pre-op physicals, but will be pivoting to more in-home visits for hospice (his other gig) instead. His hospital has cancelled all elective procedures for now, and the in-house OR staff will handle anything that still needs to happen there. Going forward, who knows.