Caring for Elderly Parents

[AmLitHist]

Oldest kid called yesterday, aggravated that Grandma said something about going to the laundromat.  Kid told her that she will go for Grandma, Grandma can bring it to my house or ALHS will get her things and wash them here, etc.  I had ALHS call his mom yesterday evening and offer to get her laundry and wash it here, or she's welcome to come use my machines, whichever. I reminded him to offer to get her groceries, prescriptions, etc. too.

I was across the room at the time, and even there I heard the chewing out she gave him over the phone.  "I'm not so feeble I can't wash my own clothes," etc. etc.

We'll see, but I hope (and think) if I make it to 90, I'm going to be just fine with people offering to do things for me.  Hell, I'd be happy if they'd offer to do things for me now, and I'm "only" 59!  :-)

[notmycircus]

I just ordered grocery items to be delivered to my front door this afternoon through Instacart.  It was simple: went to my grocery store website, asked if I wanted to order online, shopped by department, then checked out with my credit card and address.  Certainly this can be arranged with most any grocery store, even long distance. 

[AmLitHist]

Some WalMarts also have to-the-car grocery delivery, which I used earlier this week and plan to use for the duration.  Free of charge, and you can order anything in store; if they're out of something, you can cancel that item or accept a substitute. Quick and easy.

[polly_mer]

Slate has an article that might be useful: https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/psychologist-elderly-coronavirus-advice.html

[nebo113]

I just ordered grocery items to be delivered to my front door this afternoon through Instacart.  It was simple: went to my grocery store website, asked if I wanted to order online, shopped by department, then checked out with my credit card and address.  Certainly this can be arranged with most any grocery store, even long distance.

Instacart doesn't deliver to my area. Grrrrrrr......

[paultuttle]

*checking to see what providers deliver groceries to my parents' house*

By the way, in the middle of all this, I was informed that my mother had been told by her doctor that she needs to gain weight. And that her appetite had been suffering for months. (Oh, JOY!) So after the obligatory "why haven't you told me until now" discussion, I asked her what she liked to eat.

"Ice cream" was the answer, and quite rapidly given. (Okay, that was revealing . . . . ) I then asked her what flavors she liked and made a short mental list.

The upshot: Among the groceries my husband and I delivered to them Friday afternoon were no fewer than SEVEN flavors of ice cream--full-size tubs of butter pecan, Dutch chocolate, and Neapolitan (three flavors right there) along with pints of cherry royale and coconut almond. (Yes, Breyer's largest containers were on sale for about 66% off at the Harris Teeter nearest my parents' house. How did you guess?)

I'm hoping that my father will have the lightbulb idea to spoon the ice cream over the cakes, pies, and brownies currently residing in their freezers (yes, that plural is not a typo--my parents were born during the Depression) so Mom can get some needed calories into her system. (At this point, I don't care that it's all sugar and butter and carbs.)

Next Saturday or Sunday, they'll get some more items--from us, this time, not from the grocery stores.

I wish I could just build a Plexiglas bubble over their house and protect them from themselves. I suppose I should be thankful that they agreed to stay at home and let us bring them some groceries.

And yes, mamselle, it's not about the milk, it's about getting out of the house--including for Mom, who likes to sit in the car outside the grocery store most weekends, people-watching, while Dad's buying what they need. So these days, both my brother in Thailand and I are calling more often, asking them what they did that day and what they plan to do the next day. It's a whole lot better than feeling completely alone in their house, separated from the rest of the world, that's for sure.

Thanks for the advice and comments! I hope you all and your elderly loved ones remain safe and healthy. And if you're the elderly person, I hope your loved ones are stepping up for you so you can remain safe and healthy.

[polly_mer]

I am at a loss.

One set of parents is doing great at self isolating and jumped at the idea of more regular Skypes with us to have additional social interaction.  However, those parents are convinced this is all a show during an election year to distract us from something even more nefarious.  They don't seem to think that the whole thing is a hoax; they're going with conspiracy to commit a pandemic as a distraction by some presidential campaign.  It is not clear which campaign they think started the pandemic or how that will help anyone win the US presidential election.  The vibe from this set of parents is COVID-19 and shutting everything down is really just politics and somebody thought this was a strategy to win the election.

The other set of parents is doing terrible at self isolating because they refuse to believe germ theory. They were proud of the local churches for having a virtual meeting to share best practices in FaceBook and other broadcasting for sermons so that the churches could be closed.  However, these same parents were proud of their local Sam's Club for having police available to enforce sane buying quantities--something these folks got to observe first hand during yesterday's visit. 

These folks had to stop the virtual visit early because they are having dinner guests.  It's ok, though, because these dinner guests are family.  Never mind that one of those guests is a state worker who still makes in-person visits to families all over the region as part of her essential job.  Yes, let that disease vector into your house and share food (they'll probably even hold hands for the before-meal prayer as they always do) because "she's family so it's OK".

All I got at this point is "I have provided information that adults can use to make their own decisions.  When necessary, I will make the bazillion phone calls because those choices led to foreseeable negative consequences."

[mamselle]

Ouch.

My sister sounds like your first set of parents: she's convinced that closing her library on her governor's orders is the result of some Henny-Penny (I think she means Chicken Little) in the state house there. (At least she did close the library.)

If it's--well, no, it isn't really--any consolation, it took MDs almost a century to believe in transmission vectors of disease, with the result that female deaths from purpureal fever skyrocketed as doctors went from patient to patient without observing proper handwashing and other preventative techniques.

Oliver W. Holmes began his campaign against this with this paper in 1843:

    https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/contagiousness-puerperal-fever-1843-oliver-wendell-holmes

It was taken badly and dismissed as unimportant, although British and European MDs confirmed his findings.

But you probably know this.

Getting ones parents to believe anything their kids tell them has to be siphoned through all the incredulity they amassed over the years, dealing with tales of giant frogs under the bed and other such things....

My sympathies.

M.

M.

[kaysixteen]

How many Americans in 2020 really don't believe in the germ theory of disease, something that really is settled scientific law, not open theory?  I get that ignorance and subliteracy is sadly increasing in the USA, sadly especially amongst many of my coreligionists, but, really?

[polly_mer]

How many Americans in 2020 really don't believe in the germ theory of disease, something that really is settled scientific law, not open theory?  I get that ignorance and subliteracy is sadly increasing in the USA, sadly especially amongst many of my coreligionists, but, really?

If you gave a written test, then these folks would give biologically correct information.

However, just look at how many people aren't social distancing and are making exceptions based on personal feelings instead of logical disease transmission.  The fact that a person is a close relative wins over every other consideration, even if logic would dictate that the same disease vectors apply to strangers and family.

It's not failing at the content of the basic science; it's failing at applying that science when doing so counts.  It's the same mental failing as learning something in one class and then never applying it outside of that class.

My favorite story in this vein was a mandatory workshop run for new local leaders at the American Chemical Society.  We were being taught how to coach volunteers in a situation where everyone is a volunteer and can just quit if they don't like being criticized, but frequently people aren't great at their first few turns of volunteering.  The techniques were simple and straightforward to follow, even if they were hokey.  I spent much of the workshop being the contrarian who doubted the value of these hokey techniques.

The final exercise was a role-playing exercise in which every trio in the room has someone be the volunteer, someone be the coach, and someone be the observer to provide feedback to the coach on applying the method.  I was assigned observer first go and the teacher was conspicuously right next to me.  I watched the coach use the method and then I used the method we'd just spent 4 hours learning to provide feedback to the coach.  When I was done, I turned to the teacher and asked, "How many people fail at applying the coaching method as the observer when that's clearly the final test?"  The response was a disheartening: sometimes everyone in the workshop fails; a good outcome is about half applying the technique without being told to be the coach.

[bioteacher]

It's maddening. One can take a drive in the car and people watch! You can drive to a new location and see new scenery. If able, you can take a walk in the local park. Just stay away from other people.

My mom is taking this very seriously and told her husband, who doesn't seem to get it, that she isn't so much as hugging him for the next month. It's killing her, but she is protecting herself since he sees nothing wrong with hanging out with his extended daughter and grand kids.. none of whom are being careful.

Cluebats for everyone!

[Stockmann]

Thankfully my parents aren't very elderly and are in good health overall. Thankfully they're going into self-isolation, with only a few home deliveries in the next few days and then they plan on complete self-isolation for about a month. But I still worry, of course. My wife is worried about her own parents - my FIL has just about every single risk factor other than respiratory illnesses or being immunocompromised. The healthcare system where they live is already close to falling apart, even with no confirmed covid-19 cases in their town yet - doctors saying that they're short of labcoats, gloves, etc. So it's going to be bad.

[ergative]

I called my parents the other day and my father tried to feed me some line of baloney about how epidemiologists use simple exponential models that don't take into account things like social clustering when modeling disease spread, and so they're too dire and in fact it won't be as bad as people are predicting. He had used those models when he was in college, and they were much too simple to model real life! I suggested that perhaps epidemiologists with modern day computing tools are using an approach that is more sophisticated than the freshman level slide-rule calculated  math examples that he saw forty years ago, but he wasn't having any of that. Then he said that it was pointless to flatten the curve, because all it means is that you cough your lungs out in six months rather than today.

Naturally, I was not happy with this conversation. Then I emailed my mother, who informed me that they're having groceries dropped off on the front porch, and my father bags and labels the mail and newspapers and ages them for three days before opening them. So that's okay then. He can be the real-life example of a twitter 'expert' as much as he wants, as long as he takes this seriously in his actions, and my mother is no fool.

[polly_mer]

ergative, perhaps your father would be heartened by looking through the various models at https://covidactnow.org .  No one is using a simple exponential and there are different outcomes depending on which human behaviors occur in the various scenarios.

I'm crossing my fingers that people believe enough to stay home and really, really, really not interact with anyone who isn't already a fluid-bonded individual living in the same house.

[kaysixteen]

It's one thing to not believe in the germ theory of disease, it's another to say that you will just risk disease transmission in order to continue to have contact with relative X, especially if that relative is older, alone, perhaps scared, wants to see you, etc.

I usually visit my overweight but otherwise healthy 73yo Aunt every other Sunday.  I emailed her yesterday telling her I'm well, good to come up this weekend as scheduled, unless she says otherwise, and I made it clear to her that she must feel perfectly free to tell me not to do so.   I can't say that the reality that I am continuing to work a very public pt retail job hasn't caused me to wonder whether I should not just make an executive decision and say that I'm not coming, but she really wants me to come.  So....?