Caring for Elderly Parents

[Hegemony]

Kay, if your aunt is hospitalized, they will not let you into the hospital to visit her anyway.

I read a nice analogy. If you were told, "Here are a hundred skittles, three of them are poisoned and will kill you," would you go ahead and eat some skittles, because only three of them would kill you?  Or offer them to your aunt? Except in her case, 15 of them are poisoned, and even one of those 15 will kill her.  "But she really likes skittles!  She'd feel sad if she couldn't eat any!" 

I think you're really thinking of all this as unnecessary precautions — like, you won't really transmit the coronavirus to your aunt, so why all this distancing?  Many thousands of people will make that same calculation, and decide to go ahead.  A certain percentage of them will be tragically wrong.

[apostrophe]

If your loved ones have iPhones, I think Facetime is the easiest tech option. If they don't, then I chime in with the chorus recommending the phone. Daily calls can do wonders.

[mamselle]

It just struck me: what we're really saying is-- as a minister said in a chapel service last year--

Love is nimble.

Defining "being close, present, face-to-face" as loving may sometimes be true: it might be a sign of love, sometimes.

But while there are surely underlying structures that feed and nurture love, they are always to be considered in terms of the people involved, their needs, whatever will give them life.

Hate wants the death of someone or something, and we may not hate any part of the well-created cosmos-- we may only--and must--hate evil.

But love wants the life of the other, and whatever is life-giving, in the best senses of that term, is loving.

Those things are fluid, because life is fluid, and so must love be.

So, it's not about defining rules or describing specific actions as inherently loving, it's about always having your head tilted, listening for context as well as content, doing ones spiritual plies every day so as to be as flexible as possible when the ballet calls for a jump here, a turn there.

Love is nimble.

M.

[nebo113]

I get the germ part, have already made it clear to anyone who's not being deliberately obtuse.  But human contact is also important for the elderly.  I will stay away for now, but what would you suggest I do if she did become sick?  Obviously I would not go see her and then head out into the world, but I couldn't leave her alone, now could I?

It probably also ought to go undisputed that most elderly folks aren't really equipped for Skype and other such technical options..

If she becomes sick enough to be hospitalized, you won't be allowed to visit.  And I do very much hope that does not happen. 

[spork]

I mailed my mother -- who lives in a retirement home that is not allowing visitors -- a box of fruit and other snacks. She was very appreciative.

The box was wiped with disinfectant before it was delivered to her room.

[notmycircus]

My mom's nursing home staff FaceTimes with me three times a week.  It's wonderful to see her and also hear from staff how she is doing.  She's 102 and has Alzheimer's.  I'm grateful that she's not aware of what's going on.  Peace to all.

[nebo113]

I mailed my mother a box of "cozies".....light mysteries.  They have a library but are no longer allowed to leave books in it.  They are also starting limited visitation, outside, with appropriate distancing.  And regular updates to next-of-kin.  I think they are being quite prudent, in a southern Republican state where the governor refuses to shut things down.

[kaysixteen]

Sure, she'll be quarantined if she's in the hospital, but what if she becomes sick but not sick enough to go there and indeed is told by doc she is to stay at home?  Obviously I will have to help her and go inside her house if need be, self quarantining myself thereby.  Even though Aunt Rand loving libertarians would of course disapprove.

[nebo113]

Sure, she'll be quarantined if she's in the hospital, but what if she becomes sick but not sick enough to go there and indeed is told by doc she is to stay at home?  Obviously I will have to help her and go inside her house if need be, self quarantining myself thereby.  Even though Aunt Rand loving libertarians would of course disapprove.

I absolutely get this. 

[paultuttle]

Sure, she'll be quarantined if she's in the hospital, but what if she becomes sick but not sick enough to go there and indeed is told by doc she is to stay at home?  Obviously I will have to help her and go inside her house if need be, self quarantining myself thereby.  Even though Aunt Rand loving libertarians would of course disapprove.

I absolutely get this.

Same here. This is exactly what I'll have to do if either of my elderly parents gets sick with anything that keeps them from being able to take care of themselves, including anything from a pair of bad sinus infections due to the amazing pollen this spring to anything worse (flu, coronavirus, fall with broken bone, etc.).

Fortunately, we've talked about the possibility and my husband agrees. 

[wellfleet]

I'm deeply grateful to be living with my mom right now, instead of being all the way across the country. She's having a rough week, health-wise (not respiratory stuff), and she wouldn't be able to manage on her own right now at all.

[the_geneticist]

Not a parent, but my grandfather, who is 93 and lives alone is getting very lonely (and very bored).  He has 4 kids and several grandkids, and three great-grandkids living in his town, but can't go see any of them.  He did have fun saying hi to a great-grandchild by sitting in his car and waving through the window.  But his church is closed, his volunteer place is closed, and the weather is too cold to work in his yard.  And my aunt that is the self-appointed primary person to check on him has forbidden him to go out for groceries.  She already arranged grocery deliveries for him when it snowed and is just keeping that going.
I sent him a box with some soap which he was delighted to get.  I also promised to call him more often since I'm on the other side of the country.

[paultuttle]

Tomorrow, my husband and I are planning to buy groceries for my parents and bring them to them.

Their newest grocery list isn't realistic, just as the past two lists weren't: The empty shelves they've seen TV haven't quite translated to "Oh, yeah . . . maybe that item might not be available." But we'll try our best to get them what they've asked for, without spending too much.

[nebo113]

Not a parent, but my grandfather, who is 93 and lives alone is getting very lonely (and very bored).  He has 4 kids and several grandkids, and three great-grandkids living in his town, but can't go see any of them.  He did have fun saying hi to a great-grandchild by sitting in his car and waving through the window.  But his church is closed, his volunteer place is closed, and the weather is too cold to work in his yard.  And my aunt that is the self-appointed primary person to check on him has forbidden him to go out for groceries.  She already arranged grocery deliveries for him when it snowed and is just keeping that going.
I sent him a box with some soap which he was delighted to get.  I also promised to call him more often since I'm on the other side of the country.

Fortunately for socialization, my mother has been living in a retirement community (not a nursing home) for the past several years.  Lots of old, sick folks with caregivers, though.  They are confined to their apartments, can still eat in the dining room with fewer people at each table, and she can still play bridge if she can get a foursome.  She can still walk around outside and one of the caregivers is getting her groceries as Mother wants my sister to stay home.  And the new Director plays his guitar and sings old tunes twice a day!  While she.my sister, and I have long had a three way email going, I've also started to call more often....though she may tell me she has her "ears" out and can't hear.  So it's more hello/goodbye, but it makes her happy anyway.

[spork]

Looking for recommendations on a crossword puzzle collection I can send to my mom, who is in a retirement home that has prohibited visitors for the duration of the pandemic. Difficulty level should range from medium to Sunday New York Times level. Something that isn't in tiny print would be a plus.