Caring for Elderly Parents

[mamselle]

Glad the care manager was on top of things enough to see that; sorry it will add more burdens to your budget.

Sending good thoughts and support your way.

M.

[irhack]

Every day is a whole new drama that's distracting me from getting any work done. Yesterday I thought we had a buyer for mom's place, today buyer has seriously cold feet. If she can't sell her place she certainly needs to keep living there, just with extra help, a life alert pendant or something. Way cheaper and easier than moving her out here where I can easily see my personal financial outlays could easily spiral out of control. Never mind the emotional burden of being her scapegoat. (She's a pretty critical person.) ARGH.

[polly_mer]

Oh, that's tough, irhack.

You're doing the right thing.

[bibliothecula]

Sympathy, y'all. My mom died last autumn after a long and difficult decline and now my dad has been in the hospital and/or a rehab center for 6 weeks. He has a lot of magical thinking about his health and won't hear of help from anyone but my eldest brother, who lives in the same town as our dad. As soon as he gets well enough to be sent home, he'll go back into a decline. At least the care team is easy to talk to and happy to talk to any of us, but the entire situation is frustrating. I have found Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal a big help in thinking about and dealing with the issues surrounding my parents' end of live care.

[drbrt]

I suspect I'll be joining this thread soon. My mother isn't particularly elderly, but she's diabetic, in heart failure, and was hospitalized this year for a bout of sepsis she is refusing to talk about. Usually she only does things like that when it's bad. I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to keep working.

[professor_pat]

Sympathy, y'all. My mom died last autumn after a long and difficult decline and now my dad has been in the hospital and/or a rehab center for 6 weeks. He has a lot of magical thinking about his health and won't hear of help from anyone but my eldest brother, who lives in the same town as our dad. As soon as he gets well enough to be sent home, he'll go back into a decline. At least the care team is easy to talk to and happy to talk to any of us, but the entire situation is frustrating. I have found Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal a big help in thinking about and dealing with the issues surrounding my parents' end of live care.

Bibliothecula, I'm sorry for your loss of your mother, and now your dad's trouble.

I also found Being Mortal an important read, and would recommend it for everyone on this thread. Of course Gawande's such a terrific writer that anything he writes is worth a look.

My brothers and I just concluded a swing through potential assisted-living facilities for our dad, and thankfully were able to agree on our top 2 choices. There's a lot of paperwork yet to complete, along with some final decisions, but we're hopeful things might work out a lot more smoothly than we'd feared.

[irhack]

Congrats on narrowing down the assisted living options. Good luck to you as you move forward.

We continue our work planning the cross country move to get mom near us.  It's steps forward and back each day.

[bibliothecula]

I'm glad you and your sibs were in agreement, professor_pat. Sometimes that is the biggest challenge. My dad went home today from rehab, but he's not getting better and he's not going to. The list of diagnoses he has is long and they're almost all severe. He's in total denial, and my brothers and I agree that it's just a matter of time before he dies. I just wish my dad would be more honest about it to us and to himself.

irhack, all good luck.

[irhack]

Mom says if she can't bring her dog when she moves out here there's no point in living because she'll have "no one."

Gee thanks. Based on the amount of contact with me (and my kids) she has initiated over the years I suspected I ranked rather low on her list, but the confirmation is always delightful.

Yes I recognize she sounds depressed and that's a problem. Could write pages on how "supportive" she was during my adolescent bouts with depression so I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic. I understand I really need to check in with my own therapist to work through all this stuff that's been buried for years but when on earth will I find time for that?!?

[mamselle]

The countertransference is the stuff of the therapy, of course.

But you're streets ahead, because you already know that.

Being the adult in the room is hard, but the other options are unworthy.

You'll find a way to be your best self with her, and that will be satisfying because it will mean you've won out over the little capering demons that, like the ones in 《Jeu d'Adam》just want to drag you both towards the Hellmouth.

You're strong enough not to have to go there now.

M.

[irhack]

Thank you mamselle! I had a good call with her last night and it did feel good to be the adult in the room, saying the right things, building her up, giving her strength. And I made a therapy appointment for myself for next week so I can work through this emotional baggage in the right setting and not let it interfere with the task at hand.

[mamselle]

Good to hear.

All good thoughts going forward.

M.

[paultuttle]

We now have a deadline, the parental units and I, for making Many Good Decisions About The Future(tm): July 31.

On the table: (1) Who has power of attorney, (2) who has medical power of attorney, (3) who keeps a copy of The Important Information(tm), and [last but definitely not least] (4) who gets to stay at home with a person who comes in at least weekly to cook/clean/etc. versus who gets to downsize and learn to enjoy senior-center living.

_____

Why yes, I'm finding out that I can at times be even more stubborn than my mother (which, in this particular case, is a good thing). Why do you ask?

<grin>

[mamselle]

Whew!

You and they have been busy.

Hope it goes well.

M.

[spork]

I suspect I'll be joining this thread soon. My mother isn't particularly elderly, but she's diabetic, in heart failure, and was hospitalized this year for a bout of sepsis she is refusing to talk about. Usually she only does things like that when it's bad. I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to keep working.

I'll probably be joining to thread too at some point. My mom is 86, in reasonably good physical health -- can still walk, see, etc. She lives in her own apartment in a charity-run retirement home where staff can ensure residents take their meds, etc. My mother-in-law is 81, still can walk around, but has some old age conditions that aren't managed very well. We've just submitted a citizenship application for her, and the process will probably be a nightmare -- she's Arab, Muslim, and doesn't speak English. My wife has been making trips to the homeland twice a year to check up on her, and she also comes here on a tourist visa. But she's now too old to make the trip on her own, and my wife is getting fed up with going back and forth. Hence the citizenship application. I'm not looking forward to her residing with us, which is probably what will happen.