Caring for Elderly Parents

[Vkw10]

My mother wanted the photo album with her siblings and their families, her large print poetry anthology and bible, framed family photo for each child, infinity scarf, hand held magnifying glass, extra large clock with the day/date indicator, and candy dish. She also wanted the clipboard she kept by chair to jot notes about things to tell us when we called.

The infinity scarf and candy dish surprised me. She told me the scarf looked nice, didn't fall off, and was easy to pull up around head if the air conditioning was blowing on her. The candy dish was for visitors and helpers, since Mom couldn't imagine not offering something to people who stopped by.

[Morden]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I am making a list.

[frazali]

Sad to see I'm in good company. I don't think I'd posted to the new forum yet.

My father is 86 with Alzheimer's, multiple myeloma cancer, and was hospitalized in April for COVID-19. This  summer has been beyond stressful, between managing him and his illnesses, as well as not knowing what will happen with school this year for my rising 1st grader.

Coronavirus has made accessing services so much more difficult. industries across the spectrum are experiencing delays,  but it's more harrowing when it healthcare related.

Glad this thread is here - just popping in for solidarity.

[mamselle]

All good thoughts for strength and courage to get through.

M.

[Hegemony]

That's really hard, Frazali.  Sending good wishes to you and your dad.

[notmycircus]

Frazali - consider yourself supported by me and many others on the site.  I'm sad to read of your dad's situation.  In regard to Alzheimers, my mom has had it for some time now, and she is not aware of the pandemic.  I suppose that is the silver lining to the disease.
Please be sure to take good care of yourself. 

[AmLitHist]

Sending hugs and good thoughts to Frazali and all here. My heart is with y'all.

[Morden]

Hi Frazali, Just wanted to wish you all the best. How is your dad doing now?
Morden

[mythbuster]

Wow it's been a while since this thread was active. 
    I will be hopping on plane tomorrow to help to deal with the emerging crisis that is my mother's health. She is in her later 70s and has lived alone since my Dad died in 2018. In the last 6 months she started having falls and feeling unsteady on her feet. It has progressed now to the point that she is nearly wheelchair bound- or should be if she weren't so stubborn. So I'm heading out to help my brother assess assisted living facilities, feed Mom up (her weight loss is concerning) and to hopefully be an advocate for her to get better and more consistent care. This sage includes her PCP being out on medical leave for their own back issues, so Mom does not have a PCP right now who has been closely monitoring the downward progression. She has seen a Neurologist and some causes have been ruled out, but I'm not terribly happy with their conclusions.
   In all I'm not quite sure what I will encounter when I get to her house. Any fora wisdom on things to look for in assisted living would be greatly appreciated.  I will likely be posting here as a way to process it all. Thankfully, this has lead to really good communication with my brother (who lives near her), and we are in agreement about a plan of action that Mom is at least open to right now. So hopefully family angst and conflict can be minimized.

[spork]

I don't have any advice on assisted living facilities, but can contribute an update of sorts to this thread.

My 88-year old mother survived Covid-19 over the winter. There was an outbreak among residents and staff at her retirement home at Christmas. Remarkably none of the residents died; all cases were mild. More damaging: being confined to her apartment for nearly a year. While she's still ambulatory, her physical strength suffered because of the inactivity. Mentally she's not quite as sharp as she used to be.

My wife's mother, also in her 80s, lives alone on another continent and was diagnosed with diabetes. My wife spent several months taking care of her and only recently returned to the USA; she'll probably head back later this summer. I expect some kind of medical emergency to pop up during the academic year. Consulates are still closed so there is no way for my wife to bring her mother here with a visa.

[Morden]

I'm glad to see the thread revived; I got a lot of comfort/advice from it earlier. My parents both passed away in fall 2020--my dad from Covid-19 and my mom a few weeks later from heart failure.

Mythbuster, you asked about assisted living facilities. Some good advice from earlier on the Fora (maybe from Mamselle?) was to call the facilities after regular business hours and to see how long it took someone to pick up. Given the Covid environment now, I would also look for information about how they handled the pandemic (how many sick or dead? did they increase staffing when the pandemic started? do staff work at more than one facility? what sort of testing of staff and residents do they do? If residents test positive, what then? Is there an isolation ward? Is there a quarantine period for new residents, etc.)

Although my dad died of Covid-19 while in a care facility, I think they did all they could. They tested everyone after an asymptomatic case was discovered through routine testing; they separated those who tested positive (at that point all asymptomatic) from the rest and provided extra medical care/supervision, and they communicated really well with families.

Spork, I'm happy your mom made it through the winter. The isolation has been devastating physically, mentally, and emotionally for seniors. I hope that as more people get vaccinated, there can be more opportunities for her to interact. And you are dealing with an elder loved one on another continent. I wish you and your wife all the best.

[wellfleet]

Good luck, mythbuster--I'm glad you and your brother are on the same page, and I hope that your visit is successful.

My mom (80, uses a walker) has noticed the losing strength thing, too. Even though she's made a real effort to keep moving at home, plus in-home PT once a week, not going out seems to have made a difference. She's doing the best she can, but it frustrates her, too.

I still think moving my family in with mom is about the best thing I've ever done. I just can't imagine handling this from a distance anymore, pandemic or no.

[Vkw10]

Good luck, mythbuster.

Stop by for a visit without an appointment, possibly in evening or on weekend. Try just walking in, skipping desk/office. Smile and chat with residents if you can. Look at how easy it is to go outdoors and whether people are going out, esp. if your mother likes being outside. Notice the lighting levels and natural light. If you're seated, what can you see outside?

I ruled out a couple of places because I was able to walk in and wander about for more than 15 minutes before anyone spoke to me, which struck me as a security concern. I ruled out one because the residents were so unresponsive; they didn't seem to notice smiles, waves, hellos.

[apl68]

My brother and I were home this week for an extended Memorial Day weekend.  We spent part of it helping Dad do some home repair work (And celebrated a surprise early Father's Day).  Some of it involved climbing on the roof, which Dad did with us.  He's 77!  I was glad when Dad was back down on the ground.

[mamselle]

Did he make you lay brick with him?

;--》

M.