Write my submission to a scam journal for me!

[Puget]

We need to continue the Method section:

Participants

Participants were two surgical assistants (mean age = 7 years, range 5-9 years, gender not reported) recruited as a convenience sample from the senior author's household. Although the sample is small, a Monte Carlo simulation and preliminary testing by the participants demonstrated that the repeated measures design enabled sufficient sampling of the frozen dairy product substrate to carry out the preliminary analyses in the current study. All procedures were approved by a local IRB consisting of the participants' other parent, who also provided verbal informed consent. Participants provided verbal informed assent in the form of screaming for ice cream. Participants were compensated for their time by being allowed to consume the frozen dairy product substrate after testing procedures were complete.

[traductio]

This thread is bringing me great joy on a day when the stay-at-home measures seem heavier to deal with than usual. (The Canadian province where I live hasn't lifted many restrictions, which I think is the right choice, but I really needed to read this thread this morning.)

I'm very impressed by everyone's ability to write science-ese. I'm sure it's a function of some combination of creativity, imagination, and training, but your co-authorship skills are prodigious. As for the questions of authorship, I'm from a single-author subfield of communication, so there are no real rules for author order, nor whom should be included. (I get the impression that we're stingy with authorship, compared to multiple author fields.) I will leave that to your good judgment.

I'm also wondering whether we need a footnote about the danger of zombies, given the increasingly blurred boundaries of the ice-cream / brain metaphor.

[apl68]

Footnote: While it is not a focus of this paper, investigators would be remiss in not mentioning the recent Russian controversy involving sherbet and what it implies about the necessity of standardization.  While American (Smith, Jones, Adams et al.) and European (Douglas, Boucher, Braun & Esposito) investigators maintain WFSW protocols which require dairy-based products, certain discoveries by Japanese investigators (Yamamoto & Tanaka) utilizing mochi have obviated the need for either scoops or spoons, suggesting instead that chopsticks are a more efficient method for the delivery of cranial matter to any given structure, concave or plane.  These results have yet to be duplicated by western researchers, even when chopsticks were tested on 14, 16, and 32 ounce containers, including both smooth and chunky dairy-based brain matter; manual dexterity may play a part in these failures, and further research into chopsticks vs. either scoops or spoons may provide opportunities for breakthrough discoveries in multiple disciplines.  However, Russian researchers (working under conditions that cannot be verified) claim to have developed a type of "sherbet spherical" that can be utilized with scoops, spoons, and chopsticks.  Furthermore, Russian media claims that Russian subjects experienced no episodes of "brain freeze" or "ice-cream headache" while interacting with sherbet sphericals.  Whether or not this has to do with portion control cannot be ascertained at this time.  ISC CEO Heide Hackmann made certain public statements which challenged Russian findings (see Schnudwiller et al. 2019) and suggested these investigations were simply an attempt to embarrass western science.  The purpose of this paper is not to evaluate these findings or Hackman's statements, but it is important to note that the purview of knowledge regarding dairy-based brain matter is constantly expanding and not free of controversial material.  Care must be taken regarding all aspects of brain matter, dairy and non-dairy, spherical or scyphoid.

You forgot to mention the essential preliminary work in the field by A.F. Karamazov and R.R. Raskolnikov.  They're still considered the gold standard for temperature control protocols in this sort of research.

[arcturus]

Here is another spin-off project for our future work section:

- Does size matter? Despite our initial findings that ice cream scoops are most appropriate to transfer the brain-tissue subsititute to an intermediate container, and that spoons are the best tool for the next step in the "surgery", numerous articles in the popular press suggest that direct usage of spoons may be appropriate when the brain-tissue substitute is in "tubs" or when the surgeon is depressed due to a romantic break-up (see, e.g., When Harry Met Sally).  This contrarian view point deserves further study. Can ice cream scoops be depreciated if the containers are either small or large? Do large containers run the risk of freezer burn? Do small containers lose their effectiveness due to their large surface-area/volume ratio (more loss on the sides)? Future studies must take these additional parameters into consideration.

[Wahoo Redux]

You forgot to mention the essential preliminary work in the field by A.F. Karamazov and R.R. Raskolnikov.  They're still considered the gold standard for temperature control protocols in this sort of research.

Of course!  How slovenly of me.  Why I never get to be the P.I., dangit.

Footnote #2: Though they were produced during the 19th century, the essential preliminary work of A.F. Karamazov and R.R. Raskolnikov have long set the standards by which the International Society of Weighing & Measurement (ISWM) gauges ice-creamery and ice-creaminoid increments and well as the proper temperature controls.  Karamazov, in concert with his brothers F.P. and D.F. Karamazov respectively, standardized the temperature for consumption of dairy or fruit based ice-creamicles by infants on the tundra during the winter of 1880 in Siberia.  The experiments, published under the title "лед лед детка" (trans.: "Ice, Ice Baby"), proved an invaluable international benchmark in this project.  It is unfortunate to note that all three brothers Karamazov perished in their third expansion of the experiment "лед лед лед детка детка толчок это очень хорошо" (trans.: "Ice, Ice, Ice Baby, Baby Push it Real Good") involving double the amount of sugar and constant exercise to mitigate the childhood obesity their first experiment engendered in its subjects: as it turns out, eating dairy-based frozen brain-matter while exercising in the arctic conditions of Siberia can be extremely hazardous.  Happily, the bodies of all three brothers never thawed and are on display in the town square of Tungus, Siberia, by order of the short-lived Czar Wallasca Stevenski (known in American vernacular as "The Emperor of Ice Cream") in homage to their work.  For his part, Raskolnikov is given credit for recreating Karamazov frigidity and for delimiting the proper tool and method for parceling Siberian ice-cream, namely with an axe.  While the Raskolnikov axe-technique has gained widespread acceptance among scientists, and is recognized by the ISWM as a very effective method for cleaving brain-matter, dairy and otherwise, the constant forcefulness of the technique has proven to be a strain on ice-creamologists; Raskolnikov himself suffered substantial psychic instabilities and was institutionalized and eventually given electro-shock therapy, which melted him.  In fact, it is the liability of the Rasskolnikov axe-technique which inspired American investigators (Baskins & Robbins, 1945; Ben & Jerry, 1981) to develop the softer, warmer style of brain matter favored by western consumers (interested parties might enjoy the popular press offering, The Iceman Cometh: Spoons Behind the Iron Curtain by Eugene O'Neil).

[apl68]

Now THAT does it justice.  Bravo!

[arcturus]

Dear Puget - Thank you for the contribution to the methods section. I am glad that *someone* took careful notes on our procedure. Sadly, my graduate student appears to have adopted my scatter-brained approach to record keeping and tells me that "the notes are somewhere in there" while pointing to a two-foot tall stack of papers, many of which appear to be crumpled. Could you, or your postdoc, send me a copy of your records? We'd be ever so grateful.  - absent-minded Prof.

[Puget]

Dear Puget - Thank you for the contribution to the methods section. I am glad that *someone* took careful notes on our procedure. Sadly, my graduate student appears to have adopted my scatter-brained approach to record keeping and tells me that "the notes are somewhere in there" while pointing to a two-foot tall stack of papers, many of which appear to be crumpled. Could you, or your postdoc, send me a copy of your records? We'd be ever so grateful.  - absent-minded Prof.

Why thank you. I'm a stickler in my lab about maintaining electronic research records. Shouldn't it at least be "the notes are somewhere in there" while pointing at the lab server? Your disorganization needs to get with the modern era! Besides, a lab notebook may have gotten rather sticky in the current study.

Now that I've finished grading the last of the term papers (woohoo!) I can contribute the next section of the Method, which somehow is a far more appealing task than working on an actual paper. . .

Materials

Experimental Surgical Tools

Spoon. This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 15 cm shaft attached to a shallow ovoid bowl approximately 4 cm in length and 3 cm in width, and composed of stainless steel.

Ice Cream Scoop. This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 30 cm shaft attached to a deep circular bowl approximately 5 cm in  diameter. An advantage of the instrument used in the current study over some other such instruments on the market is that it was equipped with a hand-operated lever on the side of the handle which operates a a wire within the bowl, moving it laterally, to enhance the expulsion of brain substitute from the scoop into the receptacle. All components were composed of stainless steel. except for the rubber comfort grip on the shaft, which was required due to IRB concerns related to possible ice cream scooping injuries to the vulnerable participant population.

Simulated Brains

As described above, after careful pilot testing, caramel swirl ice cream was selected as the closest textural and optic simulate for brains, being free of non-biologically plausible chunks (e.g., chocolate, nuts, fruit), which would compromise the ecological validity of our simulations. Simulated brains consisted of of two half-gallon containers of this frozen dairy substrate (Brayer, Inc.), which had been maintained at -18 C for 48 hours prior to the beginning of the experiment. The skull was simulated by the waxed cardboard receptacle containing the frozen dairy substrate, and the meninges by a plastic film over its surface.

[mythbuster]

Your selection of vanilla caramel ripple replicates the end findings of the post hoc panel on the Jones study of 1935. As I am sure you know, the Jones study, while thought by many to be an utter debacle, did definitively establish the importance of brain chilling. Now, they were mired in controversy over their unconventional IRB and IACUC approvals, which is why the post hoc panel ultimately recommended using brain simulative materials rather than in or ex vivo studies.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAZ6dSIMivk

Now the Jones study has been debunked by some. Lecter et al. in particular, found that warming was much more effective, depending on the desired final function.

[Parasaurolophus]

Neurosurgical Tools: Spoons vs. Ice Cream Scoops

By apl68, arcturus, mamselle, mythbuster, P. Saurolophus, Puget, traductio, Wahoo Redux (alphabetical order)

Abstract: The relative merits of spoons versus ice cream scoops for brain surgery were tested by a communication professor with no qualifications in neurosurgery in response to a spam/scam email soliciting articles. Ice cream was substituted for brains, and surgery (or "surgery") was performed by the communication professor's children/lab assistants, ages 5 and 9. It was found that ice cream scoops were most effective for serving large portions of "brains" (or ice cream) into bowls, while spoons were most effective for transferring "brains" (or ice cream) from the bowl to the lab assistants. Results were inconclusive with respect to the relative merits of chocolate syrup, marshmallows, and sprinkles
in the surgical process, and will require further research.

Keywords: brain, ice cream, neurosurgical tools, scoops, spoons, substrate...


Introduction

Since the dawn of time, spoons have been used to scoop things. It was only comparatively recently, however, that dicula lignea was turned from its historical task of scooping soup to the medical task of scooping the cerebrum from the cranial cavity. The spoon's shallow bowl was long thought ideally-suited to the task, but recent research by Cuclear, Spēnuz, Kijiko, et al. (2012) demonstrates that the instrument's idiophonic properties can interfere with electrical signals in the brain at the point of surgery.

The problem of selecting appropriate tools for brain surgery is therefore a critical one. Not only are currently available surgical tools expensive, but they are hard to obtain for home surgeons, especially those lacking traditional medical credentials. Simulation studies using manufactured brain-analogues provide a valuable tool for beta-testing alternative surgical tools which could increase the accessibility and feasibility of at-home surgical procedures by alternative neuro-practitioners. The current study provides an initial feasibility case study on the use of ice cream scoops versus spoons for brain surgery, using a frozen dairy product substrate as a stimulant of brain tissue.


Methods

Participants
Participants were two surgical assistants (mean age = 7 years, range 5-9 years, gender not reported) recruited as a convenience sample from the senior author's household. Although the sample is small, a Monte Carlo simulation and preliminary testing by the participants demonstrated that the repeated measures design enabled sufficient sampling of the frozen dairy product substrate to carry out the preliminary analyses in the current study. All procedures were approved by a local IRB consisting of the participants' other parent, who also provided verbal informed consent. Participants provided verbal informed consent in the form of screaming for ice cream. Participants were compensated for their time by being allowed to consume the frozen dairy product substrate after testing procedures were complete.

Experimental Design
Our study of spoons versus scoops was predicated on previous studies which used a frozen dairy product as a representative cerebellum-type model (REFERENCE). However, after reading the related literature (more REFERENCES), we realized that further study was required to determine which flavor of frozen dairy product was most representative of the structural norms that our experiment was designed to investigate.

Thus, the first step of our experimental design included tasting of at least five different flavors of frozen dairy product. To further validate our chosen substrate, we required tasting of all five flavors from at least four independent brands of frozen dairy product for a total of 20 separate half-gallon containers. The randomized tastings were accomplished by the previously mentioned surgical assistants. We note that there may be some ad hoc hominem in this process as the preliminary determination of appropriate substrate required use of both scoops and spoons. Nonetheless, after careful consideration, we posit that Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey is tasty but not the best choice for this experiment due to the large chocolate chunks which did not conform to our model. However, several different brands of vanilla with caramel swirl adequately replicated the density and color variations in the target material and thus were selected as the appropriate substrate for our subsequent investigation.

Note that this preliminary data collection also revealed a very important parameter that may impact the validity of the results presented here and in any future studies which may attempt to replicate our results. Specifically, due to its propensity to melt, we discovered that one of the potentially significant parameters in this experiment is the time difference (Δ_T) between the substrate's removed from cold storage and the experiment's start time.

Indeed, when Δ_T is long, we had difficulty replicating for ourselves the majority of results derived from studies conducted with short Δ_Ts. Further, we note that while experiments with long Δ_Ts may be of interest to the pure academic, we found that they were of less relevance to the matter at hand since the model material no longer appeared to be an appropriate substitute for the target material. Fortunately, quick action on the part of our surgical assistants meant that the majority of our studies were completed with relatively short Δ_Ts which should therefore be considered the gold standard for further investigation of this important matter.

[What are the relevant protocols? Paperwork for human subjects?]


Materials

Spoon (experimental surgical tool)
This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 15 cm shaft attached to a shallow ovoid bowl approximately 4 cm in length and 3 cm in width, and was composed of stainless steel.

Ice Cream Scoop (experimental surgical tool)
This instrument (Target, Inc.) consisted of a 30 cm shaft attached to a deep circular bowl approximately 5 cm in diameter.

One advantage of the instrument used in the current study over other such instruments on the market is that its haft was equipped with a thumb-operated lever which controls a flat wire nested within the bowl, moving it laterally to enhance the expulsion of substrate from the scoop into appropriately disinfected receptacles. All components were composed of stainless steel, apart from the haft, which was covered in a rubber comfort grip. Such grips are required due to IRB concerns related to possible substrate scooping injuries to vulnerable participant populations.

Simulated Brains (substrate)
Simulated brains consisted of two 1.89L containers of this frozen dairy substrate (Breyers, Inc.), which had been maintained at -18°C for 48 hours prior to the beginning of the experiment. Skulls were simulated with 1.89L waxed-cardboard receptacles. Meninges were simulated with a plastic film spread over the container's open surface. After careful pilot testing, caramel swirl ice cream was selected as the closest textural and optic simulate for brains, being free of biologically-implausible chunks (e.g., chocolate, nuts, fruit), which might compromise the simulations' ecological validity.


Discussion

[Some stuff]

Our selection of vanilla caramel cream ripple replicates the end findings of the post hoc panel on the Jones study of 1935. While many today consider the Jones study to be an utter debacle due to its unconventional IRB and IACUC approvals, it nevertheless managed to definitively establish the importance of brain chilling. As a result, the post hoc panel ultimately recommended using brain simulative materials rather than in or ex vivo studies.¹

The gold standard for temperature control protocols of this nature, of course, was set by the essential preliminary work of R.R. Raskolnikov (1866) and A.F. Karamazov (1880). Although they were produced during the 19th century, the essential preliminary work of A.F. Karamazov and R.R. Raskolnikov has long set the standards by which the International Society of Weighing & Measurement (ISWM) gauges ice-creamery and ice-creaminoid increments as well as the proper temperature controls. Karamazov, in concert with his brothers F.P. and D.F. Karamazov respectively, standardized the temperature for consumption of dairy or fruit based ice-creamicles by infants on the tundra during the winter of 1880 in Siberia. 

The experiments, published under the title "лед лед детка" (trans.: "Ice, Ice Baby"), proved an invaluable international benchmark in this project.  It is unfortunate to note that all three brothers Karamazov perished in their third expansion of the experiment "лед лед лед детка детка толчок это очень хорошо" (trans.: "Ice, Ice, Ice Baby, Baby Push it Real Good") involving double the quantity of sugar and constant exercise to mitigate the childhood obesity their first experiment engendered in its subjects. As it happens, eating dairy-based frozen brain-matter while exercising in the arctic conditions of Siberia can be extremely hazardous.² Russian media claims that Russian subjects experienced no episodes of "brain freeze" or "ice-cream headache" while interacting with sherbet sphericals. At this time, it cannot be ascertained whether this phenomenon is negatively correlated with portion control.³

While it is not a focus of this paper, investigators would be remiss in not mentioning the recent Russian controversy involving sherbet and what it implies about the necessity of standardization. Although American (Smith, Jones, Adams et al.) and European (Douglas, Boucher, Braun & Esposito) investigators maintain WFSW protocols which require dairy-based products, certain discoveries by Japanese investigators (Yamamoto & Tanaka) utilizing mochi have obviated the need for either scoops or spoons, suggesting instead that chopsticks are a more efficient method for the delivery of cranial matter to any given concave or plane structure. These results have yet to be duplicated by western researchers, even when chopsticks were tested on 14-, 16-, and 32-ounce containers, including both smooth and chunky dairy-based substrate; manual dexterity may play a part in these failures, and further research into chopsticks vs. scoops or spoons may provide opportunities for breakthrough discoveries in multiple disciplines. However, Russian researchers (working under conditions that cannot be verified) claim to have developed a type of "sherbet spherical" that can be utilized with scoops, spoons, and chopsticks.


Future Research

• Does size matter? Despite our initial findings that ice cream scoops are most appropriate to transfer the brain-tissue subsititute to an intermediate container, and that spoons are the best tool for the next step in the "surgery", numerous articles in the popular press suggest that direct usage of spoons may be appropriate when the brain-tissue substitute is in "tubs" or when the surgeon is depressed due to a romantic break-up (see, e.g., When Harry Met Sally).  This contrarian view point deserves further study. Can ice cream scoops be depreciated if the containers are either small or large? Do large containers run the risk of freezer burn? Do small containers lose their effectiveness due to their large surface-area/volume ratio (more loss on the sides)? Future studies must take these additional parameters into consideration.


• Are new tools required? We recommend a new investigation of "neurosurgery" on ice cream sandwiches and other novelty products. Of particular interest is an investigation into the most efficient approach to removing the neural matter substitute: do you go through the cookie material (face-on) or through the sides? Monte carlo simulations may be required to explore fully the geometric constraints imposed by ice cream cones, hard chocolate exteriors, and other irregularities.


• Possible side effects? Upon close inspection, there was a weak signal in the data suggesting that the experiment may have led to increased mass in the surgical assistants and surgeon. While transference is always a concern in psychological studies, the potential transfer of mass from subject matter to investigator indicates a potential hazard not disclosed in the IRB review of this preliminary study using brain-tissue substitute. Further study, with a larger quantity of brain-tissue substitute, appears warranted at this time. Precise values regarding the quantity of brain-tissue substitute that will be sufficient to increase the significance of this weak signal is still uncertain, but are estimated to be in the range of one or two "full freezer" units.

Acknowledgements

[...]


Bibliography

Cuclear, Spēnuz, Kijiko, et al. (2012)
R.R. Raskolnikov (1866)
A.F. Karamazov (1880)
Lecter et al (2017)
Baskin & Robbins, 1945
Ben & Jerry, 1981
The Iceman Cometh: Spoons Behind the Iron Curtain by Eugene O'Neil
Smith, Jones, Adams et al.
Douglas, Boucher, Braun & Esposito
Yamamoto & Tanaka
Schnudwiller et al. 2019


--------------------------------------------

Endnotes

¹ Recent research suggests that the Jones study may not, in fact, bear up under scrutiny. Lecter et al (2017), in particular, found that warming was much more effective, contingent upon the desired final function.

² Happily, the bodies of all three brothers never thawed and are on display in the town square of Tungus, Siberia, by order of the short-lived Czar Wallasca Stevenski (known in American vernacular as "The Emperor of Ice Cream") in homage to their work.  For his part, Raskolnikov is given credit for recreating Karamazov frigidity and for delimiting the proper tool and method for parceling Siberian ice-cream, namely with an axe.  While the Raskolnikov axe-technique has gained widespread acceptance among scientists, and is recognized by the ISWM as a very effective method for cleaving brain-matter, dairy and otherwise, the constant forcefulness of the technique has proven to be a strain on ice-creamologists; Raskolnikov himself suffered substantial psychic instabilities and was institutionalized and eventually given electro-shock therapy, which melted him.  In fact, it is the liability of the Rasskolnikov axe-technique which inspired American investigators (Baskin & Robbins, 1945; Ben & Jerry, 1981) to develop the softer, warmer style of brain matter favored by western consumers (interested parties might enjoy the popular press offering, The Iceman Cometh: Spoons Behind the Iron Curtain by Eugene O'Neil).

³ ISC CEO Heide Hackmann made certain public statements which challenged the Russian findings (see Schnudwiller et al. 2019) and suggested these investigations were simply an attempt to embarrass western science. The purpose of this paper is not to evaluate these findings or Hackman's statements, but it is important to note that the practical epistemology of dairy-based substrates is constantly expanding and not free of controversial material. Care must be taken regarding all aspects of brain matter, dairy and non-dairy, spherical or scyphoid.

[Puget]

This is coming together well, but we're missing the all important results section! Where are the data from the surgical assistants? We must accurately report their findings. I'll run the stats if someone can wipe the worst of the ice cream stickiness off the lab notebooks.

[Vkw10]

And we must have figures and tables! Or at least the captions, since the actual figures and tables will be attached.

Figure 1. Spoons and scoops: (A) Teaspoon, (B) Soup spoon, (C) Serving Spoon, (D) Scoop with little thingie to expel ice cream, (E) Scoop (plain), (F) Asian restaurant style spoon.

[traductio]

So much progress since I last checked in -- amazing! (The last week has felt so heavy, I haven't been in the mood to look.)

[Wahoo Redux]

I should have included:

Dr. Y. Zhivago (1937) addressed the scoops vs. spoons controversy by testing the implements on rats.  Zhivago discovered that rats prefer scoops almost 2 to 1 to other leading brands, but that if given the choice rats preferred other dairy products (cheese predominantly) to frozen brain matter.  Zhivago was later executed.

[mamselle]

This will probably need some tweaking to get it past the dread ReviewerNumberTwo (interthreaduality) but it is indeed gaining momentum.

Has any consideration been given to what might happen if electrodes are attached to the substitute substrate to test for conductivity?

Or would that indeed need IRB consideration?

M.