The Mental Health Thread

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

I hope today is better, scr. I second checking in with the docs.

[mamselle]

You've probably been through all this before, but the eye-rolling response almost sounds like a diabetic attack or a petit-mal seizure; I presume you've been checked for those already, but they definitely want further exploration.

You sound like you usually take good care with your diet, but odd things can creep up on one if starch-to sugar conversion suddenly shifts in your system (mine did a few years back, and a momentary fugue somewhat like what you describe made me realize foods I'd always loved and been fine with were suddenly and forevermore on my no-go list.)

It could also be the stress of preparing for your quals, of course, exacerbated by staying up later than usual to study, eating more sugary snacks, or drinking more coffee, etc.

But I'm just brainstorming on differentials, here, I'm definitely in the "Talk to your doc now" camp of well-wishers.

Many good thoughts in all cases.

M.

[smallcleanrat]

You've probably been through all this before, but the eye-rolling response almost sounds like a diabetic attack or a petit-mal seizure; I presume you've been checked for those already, but they definitely want further exploration.

You sound like you usually take good care with your diet, but odd things can creep up on one if starch-to sugar conversion suddenly shifts in your system (mine did a few years back, and a momentary fugue somewhat like what you describe made me realize foods I'd always loved and been fine with were suddenly and forevermore on my no-go list.)

It could also be the stress of preparing for your quals, of course, exacerbated by staying up later than usual to study, eating more sugary snacks, or drinking more coffee, etc.

But I'm just brainstorming on differentials, here, I'm definitely in the "Talk to your doc now" camp of well-wishers.

Many good thoughts in all cases.

M.

Out of curiosity, which foods did you end up cutting out in order to feel better?

Maybe some combo of prolonged sleep deprivation, stress, and inconsistent eating schedule has something to do with what's been going on with me. It's different from what I've experienced before.

For the second episode, I heard the paramedics say "tonic-clonic" a couple of times after a labmate described what he had observed. Labmate told me my whole body stiffened and was shaking/convulsing head-to-toe.

My PI witnessed the first episode and said it got scary when I seemed to have trouble taking in a full breath. My memory of this consists of being at my desk feeling kinda woozy and then coming to groggy awareness of my PI sitting in front of me asking if I was "back." I think about 30 minutes passed in between, during which I fell on the floor at some point and was helped back into my chair after the spasms had stopped and I was semi-responsive. Most of that time I was just really out of it, and PI was watching for me to come back to full awareness.

I've had tic fits that were mistaken for seizures, but I've always been aware I was having a tic fit (and had enough conscious control to give some sort of signal, like a head nod or a waved hand, that I was ok and it was not an emergency situation). I never had to have someone tell me I had a tic fit, and I've never come out of a tic fit feeling so dazed and disoriented. And tic fits tend to last longer than 1-2 minutes (which is how long each of these convulsive episodes lasted). Episodes of eyes rolled back while being unresponsive (but no body spasms) have also been happening.

I don't think these were actual seizures, but it is all a new development.

Last episode happened a couple of days ago; since then I've been pretty groggy or sleepy most of the time. Maybe it's cured my insomnia?

[mamselle]

Good for you for trying to find the humor in this situation...it takes courage to do that!

I had to say, "good-bye" to Brussels sprouts, asparagus, cabbage and broccoli. All have a huge starch content that, metabolized to sugar, can overwhelm the body's balance, as I understand it. Still sorting out if its an early-onset diabetic-like thing (my dad had that, was terribly non-compliant, and lived to be 92; I plan to be a little wiser about it) or what, but it hit out of the blue about two years ago now, and was heralded by a couple of serious upchucks (sorry) and a couple of late-night incidents after a heavily vegetable-laden dinner (I was hoping to lose weight!) of being disoriented, having what felt like a mini-seuzure, and having to catch myself to keep from falling down.

Nothing like that's happened since I trimmed all the offending edibles out of my diet (and I used to love and eat them all) but it was indeed scary and unexpected; seems to be a metabolic thing the body just does at times, possibly tied to other issues (I was also cutting out all white sugar, which I once liberally added to each of the 8 or 10 cups of tea I drink daily, which may have been the overload culprit to begin with.

This was, thankfully, figured out by a diet survey, obviating the need for a glucose-tolerance regime, but a more definitive answer might come via the latter if there are other differential diagnoses possible.

An MD or RNNP would be the best resource.

M.

ETA: Agreeing with One More Year, "tonic-clonic" seizures are neurological in origin so that is a dimension to explore as well.

It feels odd, sometimes, having our bodies be the sites of scientific discovery that we must essentially initiate ourselves.....M.

[OneMoreYear]

smallcleanrat, I hope your week has improved.
Are you working with a neurologist as part of your medical team?  If these experiences are new, perhaps a new assessment is in order.
Good thoughts to you.

[Puget]

SCR, it certainly sounds like you should see a neurologist for evaluation as soon as possible, since what you're describing certainly sounds like seizures (which come in many flavors, including absence seizures that don't involve spasms, and partial seizures that can mimic tics). If you've had any recent changes in medication that should be checked out too-- anything that increases the excitatory to inhibitory neurotransmitter balance could be at play here.

[Hegemony]

Smallcleanrat, I'm sorry this is happening. They certainly sound like the seizures one of my epileptic friends had. (For some reason I have a number of epileptic friends, to wit, four) Petit mal. Sometimes she herself didn't realize she had them. They only figured it out because she was a bank teller and sometimes she'd sort of zone out in the middle of counting bills, and "come to" a few seconds later but be at the wrong place in her counting. Later the seizures intensified. For what it's worth, all of my epileptic friends' epilepsy has been completely controlled ever since they found the right dose of the anti-epileptic drugs. But before that, stress definitely made them come more often.  I hope you can get some pros on the case and get it straightened out so you don't have to worry about it any more — more worry is not at all what the doctor ordered.

[smallcleanrat]

Been kinda white-knuckling my way through the last week or so due to a strong resurgence in depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts. With any luck, it's just a meds issue, and when I finally get my delayed refills things will ease up.

Part of me thinks, "Hey, I guess this is a fair indication that the meds are providing real benefits. That's a good thing; you are on meds that work." and part of me thinks, "So, the improvements you've made have more to do with your biochemistry and less to do with all those higher order cognitive skills you thought you were developing? That's...disappointing."

Mostly grappling with a sense of being depleted, used up. Like I've outlived my usefulness and my potential. Feeling guilty for the people in my life still hanging in there hoping to see me recover and live up to my abilities and ambitions. It's one thing to stand by someone going through a rough patch in their lives and another to do the same for someone with chronic issues. At some point it just isn't worth it anymore.

I'm wondering if this is why I have so much difficulty sometimes getting help from doctors.

[Morden]

Hi Smallcleanrat, I was just wondering how you were doing the other day. You said:

Part of me thinks, "Hey, I guess this is a fair indication that the meds are providing real benefits. That's a good thing; you are on meds that work." and part of me thinks, "So, the improvements you've made have more to do with your biochemistry and less to do with all those higher order cognitive skills you thought you were developing? That's...disappointing."

One of those higher order cognitive skills is being able to recognize the first part of that sentence. That's a big win. Years ago now, I was on meds, doing fine, learning lots of self-care things, and then gradually tapered off meds. And the depression came back--not right away, but it sort of sneaks up and things got really bad. So back on the meds, making progress, tapering off, and things getting worse--but that time, I had learned enough to recognize the signs before things got really bad. You're there--the meds work and you recognize it because of those higher order cognitive skills. The other part is the depression talking.

[smallcleanrat]

Has anyone here ever been told by someone close to them that there are ways in which their suicide would lift a burden and improve the lives of others? Did you find yourself losing trust in the words "I love you" because of it?

Would you ever say such a thing to another person? How bad would things have to be for you to (even fleetingly) wish the other person would suicide? How bad would things have to be for you to explicitly tell that other person you sometimes wish for their suicide?

Have you ever been so stressed by another person's continued existence (family, friend, colleague, student, anyone at all) that you hoped they would kill themselves?

[Morden]

Smallcleanrat, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It says a lot about that person's stress and frustration; it doesn't say anything about your worth. You have tremendous value. Can you access your doctor or a crisis help line while waiting for your meds?

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Smallcleanrat:

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain. If someone told you that he/she would be better off without you in his/her life then that person is a major asshole. That is an incredibly insensitive and selfish thing to say to another person. It speaks volumes about the priorities in that person's life.

Your worth and value is not dependent on other people's approval.

[the_geneticist]

Has anyone here ever been told by someone close to them that there are ways in which their suicide would lift a burden and improve the lives of others? Did you find yourself losing trust in the words "I love you" because of it?

Would you ever say such a thing to another person? How bad would things have to be for you to (even fleetingly) wish the other person would suicide? How bad would things have to be for you to explicitly tell that other person you sometimes wish for their suicide?

Have you ever been so stressed by another person's continued existence (family, friend, colleague, student, anyone at all) that you hoped they would kill themselves?

If your SO said that to you - Kick him out.  Today.  Tell him he has 1 hour to pack a bag and leave.

That is a disgusting and cruel thing to say to anyone. 

+1000 to evil_physics_witchcraft and that fact that you are valuable and needed.

[apl68]

Smallcleanrat,

Please keep talking to us, and keep hoping.

[clean]

I dont remember if it was Dear Abby or Anne Landers, but the question would be, would YOU be better off with them or without them in your life?

Has anyone here ever been told by someone close to them that there are ways in which their suicide would lift a burden and improve the lives of others?

This question seems to be saying that the one making the statement is saying that their life may be better without you in it.  However, there are a multitude of ways that can be brought about far short of suicide.  Divorce or separation certainly pop up! 

The question turns back to YOU.  At this point you may be dependent on that person for physical support.  IF that is the case, then I would take no action while you need support and the support is provided.  However, when the support is no longer required, i would revisit the questions of how much YOU get from this relationship.