The Mental Health Thread

[smallcleanrat]

Health in general has not been great for several months, but the last few days have been a bit extra.

Lost nearly 20 pounds over the last month or so without even trying because of very little appetite and difficulty forcing myself to eat.

Add low fuel to much difficulty sleeping and my mental processing abilities are really taking a hit.

Sorta, kinda related to the thread about the Columbia prof, but sorta, kinda not.

Typical manifestation of diminished mental function for me: keeping OCD brain in check.

Didn't want to post this on the other thread, because not trying to argue a point right now. Honestly having serious doubts about how well I'm processing language.

Just not able to see how 'he didn't say "freak", he said "freak of nature"' or 'but he called her "beautiful"' significantly diminishes what made the comment inappropriate.

But this is far from the first time I've been uncomfortable with something (including compliments directed towards me) which other people emphatically insist any idiot could see is absolutely fine.

I'm really thinking I just don't understand words and context and connotation as well as I probably should.

[Morden]

Hi SCR, I'm not following the other thread any more, so cannot speak to that specific context. I can say, without any doubt in my mind, that you have demonstrated that you understand words, context and connotation in your various posts. You are processing language carefully. I am sorry to hear that you've been struggling more in the last few weeks. It is worrying that you're losing weight because you're having difficulty sleeping and eating. Are you able to make an appointment with a GP to check that your blood profile is OK?

[mamselle]

Second the observation that you are doing a very fine job of reading and understanding others' statements and expressing yourself.

I'd say the only thing you could do to improve is stop thinking it's your fault when others don't try as hard as you do to be clear and transparent--you are not responsible for making them see what they don't want to see, the issue is that they don't want to see it.

No amount of trying is going to change that.

From what you've said about family interactions, it seems to me you've internalized the voice of the obnoxious parent that says, "...OK, if you're the articulate one, you make me see reality if it matters so much to you, I'm just going to keep pontificating on my own soapbox if it pleases me," and you continue to try to be faithful to that image of yourself as the articulate one, forced into a defensive corner, when it's your very clear, very well-worded prophetic (i.e., truth-telling) observations that are only being misunderstood-on-purpose because the other person would really have to change if they admitted to understanding you and they're too insecure to do that.

Basically, it's a form of verbal gaslighting, it's really not you, it's them, and it seems to me you're wringing yourself dry trying to meet expectations you just shouldn't have to meet, or even put yourself under the burden of believing you should meet, to begin with.

One of my parents had an obnoxious side like that, which thankfully didn't come out all the time, but when it did, we mostly just put it down to his post WW II PTSD, and ignored him until he calmed down, which he usually did.

Engaging with him just made it worse--there was a learning curve for some of us (and a couple never did learn)--the silence sometimes made him actually listen to himself and hear the illogic in his statements, and stop making them (sometimes).

Which might be part of the answer I'm trying to convey. It's not you they need to listen to, it's themselves, and you can't get them to do that by answering. You have to let those issues go at some points.

But that's me, sending suggestions which may or may not help: finally, of course, it's up to you to figure it out.

Overall, focus on finding a center for your soul that feeds you and consoles you, and know that you're cared for and respected here.

Peace--M.

[smallcleanrat]

Thanks so much for your replies, Morden and mamselle.

mamselle, as usual, I really appreciate your wisdom and insight.

I took a small fora break to reset a bit.



In the meantime, passed my oral qualifying exam.

It was delayed a lot due to pandemic and personal health issues, but I finally got past it.

Committee seemed largely positive about my preliminary results and research plan, except for essentially telling me to cut the aims half because it was overly ambitious. But they also told me it's a common enough mistake and that having too many ideas was better than having too few.

Feeling weirdly more stressed after passing than before.

Don't know why.

[mamselle]

Celebrating big time, here!!!!!!

YEA!!!!!!

At the same time, yeah, the release of all that anxiety and work can have a post-partum kind of let-down associated with it.

Do something super-nice for yourself to celebrate, and then take some time to think about what worked, what you enjoyed about the process, what you didn't, and how you might do the same things, or different things, in the next step of your work upcoming.

Because some of that "down" feeling can often be the dread of, "Oh, joy, I've finished this one step, but that just means the next one is coming....!"

Do a couple of nice things for yourself, in fact.

Because you've done a lot of this while feeling very conflicted and uncertain about things, and you've met those thoughts and worries with courage and good sense.

All good thoughts.

M. 

[doc700]

I think this is normal!  When you are preparing for the oral exam, you have a single focus, the exam.  Its stressful but there is a specific defined goal and a specific defined timeline.  Now that you pass you are back into the open ended part of graduate school that lacks that clearly defined goal.  Its also stressful to give a proposal--since then you have to do it! 

I try to have intermediate checkpoints for my group like regular conferences and group meeting talks that replicate at least a time of this structure (although ideally not the stress) of the oral exam.

Feeling weirdly more stressed after passing than before.

Don't know why.

[arcturus]

Congratulations, Small Clean Rat!!!!!! This is a major milestone. All the more impressive given the global and personal circumstances!

As others have said, it is normal to feel let down, and sometimes even more anxiety post-exam, than pre.  You will get through this too. Take some time to recognize your accomplishments. Then, put your head down, focus on the specific task at hand, and start working through those research plans one step at a time. You can do this!

[Larimar]

Congratulations, smallcleanrat!

[Puget]

Thanks so much for your replies, Morden and mamselle.

mamselle, as usual, I really appreciate your wisdom and insight.

I took a small fora break to reset a bit.



In the meantime, passed my oral qualifying exam.

It was delayed a lot due to pandemic and personal health issues, but I finally got past it.

Committee seemed largely positive about my preliminary results and research plan, except for essentially telling me to cut the aims half because it was overly ambitious. But they also told me it's a common enough mistake and that having too many ideas was better than having too few.

Feeling weirdly more stressed after passing than before.

Don't know why.

Congrats! Take time to celebrate-- I'm always reminding my students to celebrate all the intermediate steps (e.g., submitting a paper, not just when one gets accepted etc.)-- tangible rewards are few and far between in research, so it is critical to celebrate the process along the way.

The over-ambitious part is normal too. A lot of my job as an advisor is to dial students back to something feasible. Save the rest for later-- not everything fits in one dissertation.

[apl68]

Congratulations on getting through the exams!  And it sounds like you're committee is committed to helping you make your research what it needs to be.

[Istiblennius]

Congratulations, that is such a big accomplishment. Yay you!

[Morden]

Yay!! SCR.

[clean]

Good for you!

[smallcleanrat]

Thanks so much for the encouraging comments, everybody!

It helps to know that the post-exam stress is normal.

Because some of that "down" feeling can often be the dread of, "Oh, joy, I've finished this one step, but that just means the next one is coming....!"

Its also stressful to give a proposal--since then you have to do it! 

True. I think this does explain a lot of what I was feeling.

Puget, thanks for mentioning that overly ambitious planning from grad students is normal. I think that was another component to why I felt stressed; I worried that I showed poor judgment by proposing too much.

Feelings now are mixed. On the one hand, I'm trying not to dwell on any shame from not hitting this milestone sooner.

On the other, I'm feeling vaguely hopeful given that I was able to get through the exam during a time when I'm mostly being fueled by Ensure.

Diagnostic procedure is still a couple of weeks away. Doing best I can in the meantime to manage the eating difficulties. Having to push through persistent pain and physical weakness. Trying to force myself to get things done when I feel so feeble has led to some crushingly low moments.

The fact I still got through the exam gives me hope that if I can improve my health even somewhat, maybe I still have it in me to make something out of my life.

I really hope the docs can help me.

[dr_evil]

A late congratulations, SCR!

Sorry, I haven't visited this thread for a bit. I've been doing too much procrastination with gaming and reading. I'm planning on working on it a bit this week. "To do" lists, here I come.