The Mental Health Thread

[downer]

So sorry to hear you have so much you are dealing with, AmLitHist. That's a huge amount.

[mamselle]

+ 1000.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, even little things (while incapacitated) that reaffirm your value, your abilities, your stability.

M.

[Langue_doc]

Not looking for advice or solutions (I'm pretty sure there aren't any). I just felt the need to write it down.

Do take good care of yourself, ALH. Vent away, here and on the venting thread.

[apl68]

Sorry to hear about this , ALH.  I've had some experience in dealing with a bipolar loved one, and wouldn't wish it on anybody.

[AmLitHist]

Thanks everyone. Today is better (or at least, starting out that way, though I just got a call from her. She's still on a bit of a rant, but not as bad as yesterday, and I kept the call short).

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

ALH:

Echoing others. Take care of yourself. Yes, dealing with mentally ill family is difficult. Cut yourself slack and do lots of self care.

[smallcleanrat]

Reviving this thread while processing a "most likely diagnosis" of PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures; aka dissociative seizures). Essentially, I've recently had a neurologist inform me that the seizure-like episodes I've been experiencing for the past couple of years are probably psychosomatic in origin.

These episodes have gotten bad enough in recent months that my PI told me to "take a break" from lab to focus on getting them under control. I know he didn't mean it this way, but it feels like I've been rejected and kicked out. I don't want to take a break from lab; I want to live my life and do my work like everybody else. Now my work is on pause and I don't know when I'll be able to start up again.

I'm really struggling with self-loathing over developing yet another mental issue after putting so much effort into learning to manage all my other ones.

Does anyone here have experience dealing with psychosomatic issues like this?

[Hegemony]

I'm sorry this extra complication has transpired, smallcleanrat. That is, I suppose it's good news that you're not having epileptic seizures, but the news that you're having stress-induced seizures of any kind is not so fun either. It seems ironic that the news that you have stress should cause more stress.

I don't have any experience with PNES, but I do have experience with doctors telling me I have psychosomatic disorders which turned out to be actual physical non-psychosomatic-related disorders. They tested for all the heavy-duty stuff, and found none of it, and so concluded all my symptoms were psychosomatic. It turned out they were due to two separate "mild" (non-life-threatening) conditions, which aren't much on the specialists' radar because specialists mainly deal with the big stuff; and because the presence of two at once confused everybody.

But I don't mean to suggest your experience is being misdiagnosed. You are a better judge of that than any of us.

I know a lot of us have been under enormous stress these past few years. Some days I think, "Would it help if I just went crazy? Could I just flip my lid somehow and get a pass on adult life for a while? Just do the stuff I want to and not have to do any of the thousand things that are causing me enormous stress?" There doesn't seem to be a procedure for that. All I can say is that you're not alone in feeling like it would be better if it all just calmed down for a while and let us just have a comfy routine and the end of the stress.

I hope someone here will have some more useful experience for you. We're rooting for you.

[Puget]

Reviving this thread while processing a "most likely diagnosis" of PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures; aka dissociative seizures). Essentially, I've recently had a neurologist inform me that the seizure-like episodes I've been experiencing for the past couple of years are probably psychosomatic in origin.

These episodes have gotten bad enough in recent months that my PI told me to "take a break" from lab to focus on getting them under control. I know he didn't mean it this way, but it feels like I've been rejected and kicked out. I don't want to take a break from lab; I want to live my life and do my work like everybody else. Now my work is on pause and I don't know when I'll be able to start up again.

I'm really struggling with self-loathing over developing yet another mental issue after putting so much effort into learning to manage all my other ones.

Does anyone here have experience dealing with psychosomatic issues like this?

I'm glad to see you check in SCR, even if it is with tough stuff. I don't have personal experience to offer, but I'll offer my scientific perspective-- psychosomatic symptoms are no less "real" and no more your fault than "neurological" ones, and indeed I think that's a false dichotomy-- it's all your brain acting up, just in different ways. And non-epileptic is definitely better- no brain damage happening!

I hope you can also reframe taking a break from the lab not as rejection, but as just that, a recognition that right now your priority needs to be focusing on your health. I always tell my students that their health comes first and I mean it. Of course you want your life and work back, but sometimes getting there requires stepping away for a little while to take care of yourself.

[apl68]

I'm glad to see you check in SCR, even if it is with tough stuff. I don't have personal experience to offer, but I'll offer my scientific perspective-- psychosomatic symptoms are no less "real" and no more your fault than "neurological" ones, and indeed I think that's a false dichotomy-- it's all your brain acting up, just in different ways. And non-epileptic is definitely better- no brain damage happening!

I hope you can also reframe taking a break from the lab not as rejection, but as just that, a recognition that right now your priority needs to be focusing on your health. I always tell my students that their health comes first and I mean it. Of course you want your life and work back, but sometimes getting there requires stepping away for a little while to take care of yourself.

I have had psychosomatic symptoms in the form of anxiety attacks.  Had them on a fairly regular basis while I was married.  With hindsight, I have come to recognize that my wife engaged in fairly classic patterns of abuse, gaslighting, etc. for much of our marriage.  Eventually, when I got up the courage to try to talk to her about some things that needed to be said, she elected to abandon the marriage.  That led to a period of additional anxiety.  At one point I had to get a court order to keep her from accosting me at home or at work.  Once ties had been completely severed, and the domestic situation was well and truly over--we had no children and were able to make a very complete break in contact--the anxiety symptoms went away.  I still feel anxious about things now and then, but I haven't been having the chest-tightening-can't-draw-a-breath symptoms in the fourteen years since she left. 

I'm saying this to say that if something is causing psychosomatic stresses, the greatest source of relief, if at all possible, to the degree possible, is to get away from whatever is causing the stress.  So I would second Puget in saying that stepping away from the labs in order to get a handle on these issues sounds like a good idea.  Try not to feel guilty about it.  You have to do what you have to do.

[Istiblennius]

I'd like to add to those noting that a psychosomatic disorder is still a disorder. The connections between the gut microbiome and brain function as well as the ways in which genetics and epigenetics influence neurotransmitter function are significant. Don't hold it against yourself that you are human. 

I worked with a student who had a similar disorder a few years ago. The student was very open about the impact of their mental health on their physical health and vice versa. They benefited enormously from the assistance of a trained service dog. The dog was able to perceive the signs of elevated anxiety that preceded a seizure and could signal to the student so they could place themselves in a safer location (where they would not fall or be in a place to hit their head) and also alert to others to be aware and prepared for the seizure.

[the_geneticist]

smallcleanrat, to echo what others have said, it's OK to hit "pause" for a while. 
Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with for a while?  Or someone who could come stay with you?  You'll feel less lost/disconnected if you have someone to check in on you.
Try and reframe this as an opportunity to "pause, rest, and reset".  You deserve time to heal.

[smallcleanrat]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, everybody. It really does help.

Apl68, I'm sorry you had to go through such a difficult situation. Glad you were able to find some relief eventually.

What's bothering me is that I can't really point to specific excessive stressors in my current situation. With a new medication, my depressive symptoms improved and with my higher level of functioning I started making some real progress on my research (which was just the boost my flagging self-esteem needed). SO and I just completed a year of couples counseling, and communication and closeness between us have improved markedly. Cats are happy and healthy. All in all, life has been pretty decent.

But apparently, self-reporting a lack of stress and anxiety is fairly common with PNES, at least according to what I've read. It's hypothesized that difficulty recognizing and processing emotions is what contributes to people developing psychosomatic disorders in the first place. So, there's that.

The neurologist said she would try to get me some info on finding a therapist who has experience treating non-epileptic seizures.



Istiblennius, I would be curious to know more about the logistics of how things worked out with the student. My PI's concern is that we do not know have a concrete plan in place to maintain safety in the lab; I think this is a major reason he wants me to stay away for now. I usually get some warning symptoms beforehand, and have used these as signals to stop what I'm doing and lie down to prevent a fall. But there really is no place to go where I will not be in danger of hitting something. It's also disruptive to other people's work, because they do not feel comfortable leaving me unmonitored during a seizure, so someone has to stop what they're doing to keep an eye on me.

I need some type of plan to minimize disruption and stay safe in the lab, but I'm rather stuck as to what that plan would look like.

[clean]

I am so glad to see you post again. I am sorry to see that it is for an unhappy reason, but I hope that you can report back on he progress that you make in dealing with this as I am sure that you will make progress!

You can not fault your PI for making your health and safety the primary concern.  It is unfortunate that you do not yet have a plan worked out to ensure that you and the lab participants are safe, but perhaps that will be something that can be worked out while you are 'on pause'. 

In the meantime, (for my own selfish reasons, mind you) feel free to post any updates about your cats!  I miss hearing about them, and hopefully that distraction will help you too! 

Again, Welcome Back!  You have been missed!   I am glad that you are relatively well, and that other areas of your life are improving!

[Puget]

SCR, I'm so glad to hear that in other respects you are doing better! Also great that your neurologist can refer you to a specialist therapist.

Have you talked to the accessibility folks at your university about a plan/accommodations for safety in the lab? They may well have experience with others with seizures.

In the meantime, are there things you can work on that don't require you to be physically in the lab? Can you write up papers based on already collected data? Write a review article?