The Mental Health Thread

[clean]

In the Venting Thread SCR reports:

I've got COVID.

Any idea how long you may have had it?
Could this have contributed to your recent issue?

for what it is worth, I tested positive for 3 full weeks this summer!  I was sick for about 10 days, and cranky/grumpy for many more! 

(Not to derail the thread, but My Bride was away, helping her parents with a cancer fight when I was diagnosed so she stayed away since if she came home she could not return to her parents' house.   She accused me of Not Missing her enough, and of having too much fun without her.  I had to promise to have "less unauthorized fun" ...  but  I assured her that she was safer being away, and as I know I was extra grumpy, It was MUCH cheaper for her to be away, as I know that it would cost me a fortune to make up to her for anything I might have done while estra grumpy....
AND I think that she was REALLY afraid that after 1 1/2 years of marriage that ALLL of the Hard work and Training she had invested in me was going to waste as she was SURE I was returning to "My Feral Ways"  (my words)...  (like not picking up my clothes and putting them in the hamper EVERY TIME, not washing dishes or even putting my dishes in the sink EVERY TIME, ... scratching anything that itched, and venting gas build ups ANYTIME, anywhere, throwing tissues NEAR the trash can and not putting them IN the can....  ... Do You Remember the Freedom of Being Feral?  ...  She didnt Want ME to remember it-- still doesnt!!!) 

[smallcleanrat]

Well, clean, now I'm curious. Did you revert to your "Feral Ways?"

I don't think the COVID is related to the other issues. Looks like SO brought the virus back with him when coming home from a business trip a week ago. We're both sick (him first, by a few days) and we're both positive.

Is there a quiet place you could go to rest if you realize that you are getting tired but don't feel steady enough to manage the bus, assuming it's safe for you to be alone? For instance, I know many institutions provide private spaces for breastfeeding mothers (I also know these vary dramatically in quality). Maybe you just need a cot or a couch or a big comfy chair in a dark room, maybe with someone to check on you every 15-30 minutes (or not) so that you can rest enough to get home safely.

AR.

There is a conference room near the lab that is unused for most of the day. I did actually duck in there when I was feeling poorly this most recent time. I had to get the key from my PI, so he knew where I was going and why. When he came to check on me after about half an hour, I was mid-seizure. He got me into recovery position.

I do think the conference room was a better place to have an incident than in the lab: the floor is carpeted and there is enough space I can avoid hitting walls or furniture.

I talked to my PI about using the room as a resting spot in the future, but he is reluctant to have me be alone when I am not feeling well. Right now, I think our best compromise is a yoga mat under my desk. If I need to lie down, I can curl up there, but I will still be around others who can step in to help if I have a seizure. It's more conspicuous and embarrassing that way, but I understand he feels the need for more caution for safety and liability reasons.

[AvidReader]

I hope you find a safe place that is comfortable while you practice the scientific method on yourself, SCR. I'm glad your PI is focused on your safety, but I'm so sorry the current compromise feels conspicuous and embarrassing. I hope you figure out your lab tolerance / stressers / whatnot with minimal embarrassment. 

AR.

[clean]

Well, clean, now I'm curious. Did you revert to your "Feral Ways?"

I dont think that I went Feral in the summer of Covid.  I was also teaching 2 online classes, even when sick. 

However, she was gone for 10 day recently and I could feel myself 'tugging at the leash!' 

When I was single, I could take care of myself.  I was quite successful living on my own for like 30 some years!  But with just over 2 years of 'domestication' I find that I am out of the habit. 
For instance, I used to do my own laundry and all was well.  But in the last 2 years, it is now a task she has relieved from me.  And while she was gone, I realized that my underwear drawer was looking a little empty... we were down to the underwear I am not supposed to wear (in case I get in an accident and she has to explain why I was in the hospital wearing THOSE!) .   
But I noticed that I found my underwear in a pile on the floor of the bathroom!  (Now that I am 'domesticated' I m trained to pick up my clothes and put them in the dirty clothes basket.  I know that, but I was rebelling against the leash, and enjoying the FREEDOM of leaving my clothes in the bathroom (until the day before she was due to come home, anyway!!)

So that is the limit of my reversion to feral ways! 

[smallcleanrat]

Recently saw a new doctor whose opinion after looking at my history and lab test results was, "I don't think your seizures are psychogenic at all. I think you're having actual seizures because [explanation I didn't fully follow]." This is right at the time I've finally got some info for therapists who treat psychosomatic issues.

I thought I was moving forward with figuring this stuff out. Now I'm not sure anymore.

I really wish I had clearer answers.



I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately due to thinking about the future.

I'm at a stage in my life where I suppose that's pretty normal:
1) my program expects me to defend my thesis this year; my PI thinks I've done enough experimental work at this point to make this realistic; that's a big milestone to prep for
2) impending end of grad school means I need to think more seriously about next steps career-wise; I have so many doubts about what I'm actually capable of and qualified to pursue
3) not knowing yet what I'm going to be doing after grad school means not knowing where we're going to be living a year from now
4) SO and I are taking steps towards starting a family; is anyone ever fully ready for that?

I've noticed my fears are greatly magnified on the days I'm not feeling well. Days when I have energy, am not nauseated or in pain, and am not having seizures, I think, "It'll be ok. I can do this." Days when I'm struggling are days I feel hopeless, wondering how I can possibly keep a career going or raise a family if my level of functioning can sink so low. I don't know how to plan for the future when my abilities are so inconsistent.

I guess one of the issues is not knowing when it's best to see something as a challenge to be overcome or as a limitation to accept and pragmatically plan around. Do I make plans with the assumption that I'll find my way around the obstacles somehow, or do I use current difficulties to identify some futures as unrealistic and a waste of time and energy to pursue?

[Liquidambar]

I don't have any advice, SCR, but your concerns about the future are completely normal.  So far 100% of my female grad students have ended up crying in my office at your stage in grad school.  It's a stressful time.

Regarding the seizures, can you simultaneously pursue both avenues (therapy and medical treatments)?

[Juvenal]

Is "existential angst" right there with "clinical depression"?  My PCP has said that (not much works!) maybe I should see a psychiatrist with fuller access to drugs; my psychology therapist is not so sure.  I function, but it's gloomy work.  Maybe "retirement" was not the best plan. But beyond anything else in necessary prospect.

[smallcleanrat]

I don't have any advice, SCR, but your concerns about the future are completely normal.  So far 100% of my female grad students have ended up crying in my office at your stage in grad school.  It's a stressful time.

Regarding the seizures, can you simultaneously pursue both avenues (therapy and medical treatments)?

It helps to know the stress is normal. Although I hope it doesn't come to me crying in my PI's office.

I've decided to deal with this by essentially shutting down thoughts about anything besides 1) getting healthy and 2) doing what I need to do to graduate. All other worries can wait their turn while I focus on these two things.

For #1 I am doing as you suggest and pursuing both therapy and medical treatments. I really need to get both mind and body under better control. I had several seizures this past week and I've been feeling quite exhausted and discouraged as a result. And I'm pretty sure the reason I had so many in a short time is due to me stressing too much over #2. I need to break out of the feedback loop: stress leads to seizures which lead to more stress.

Is "existential angst" right there with "clinical depression"?  My PCP has said that (not much works!) maybe I should see a psychiatrist with fuller access to drugs; my psychology therapist is not so sure.  I function, but it's gloomy work.  Maybe "retirement" was not the best plan. But beyond anything else in necessary prospect.

I've had this same question at times. In my non-expert experience they don't necessarily go together, but they can be related. Sometimes the right drug therapy can help talk therapy to be more effective. If what you're currently doing doesn't seem to be helping, maybe it's worth exploring other options.

[smallcleanrat]

Reviving this thread while processing a "most likely diagnosis" of PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures; aka dissociative seizures). Essentially, I've recently had a neurologist inform me that the seizure-like episodes I've been experiencing for the past couple of years are probably psychosomatic in origin.

These episodes have gotten bad enough in recent months that my PI told me to "take a break" from lab to focus on getting them under control. I know he didn't mean it this way, but it feels like I've been rejected and kicked out. I don't want to take a break from lab; I want to live my life and do my work like everybody else. Now my work is on pause and I don't know when I'll be able to start up again.

I'm really struggling with self-loathing over developing yet another mental issue after putting so much effort into learning to manage all my other ones.

Does anyone here have experience dealing with psychosomatic issues like this?

Ok. So, I've made some progress identifying triggers and I've decreased the percentage of incidents happening at lab versus happening at home. But overall, I'm feeling pretty defeated.

I'm averaging 3-4 seizures per week. My body feels banged up and sore, my mind feels foggy, and it's hard sometimes to stay optimistic.

I did manage to get my name in for a program that combines physical, occupational, and psychological therapy specifically to treat functional neurological disorders like PNES. I won't be able to start for at least another 1-2 months though.

It sounds like the treatment is intense and time-consuming, and, even with insurance, is it ever expensive. But I really need the help. This is really interfering with my life.

[Istiblennius]

I'm very sorry you are struggling.

My personal health challenge doesn't look like yours, but I am learning (slowly) to listen to my body and when it feels the equivalent of banged up and sore it is time for a cup of really good first flush darjeeling tea and some nordic noir. By watching a show with subtitles I have to focus on the show and it gives me a mental break. Whatever your thing is that gives you rest and reset time, I hope you can do that. It's okay to not be okay and to take a little time to prevent things from getting worse.

I do see in your post that you are making some real progress and have some small victories even with identifying your triggers and using that to help yourself. I know small progress for me can feel harder than no progress sometimes because once I start a path I get even more impatient- I just want to get there! 

[apl68]

Good to hear from you again, smallcleanrat.  It sounds like you are taking some useful steps.  Just keep working at it.  It sounds like you're not being rejected--you're being supported to help you do what you must.  I've had reason several times over the years to be glad for bosses who've shown some understanding when my mind has tried to flake out due to depression and anxiety issues.

[clean]

It sounds like you have had a few setbacks.  However, it also sounds like you had some great breakthroughs! 

Celebrate the Wins!  Dont concentrate on the setbacks.... Note that I didnt call them losses!  They were not!  They were just lessor victories!  You learned something from them, that will get you closer to your goal!  That is ALSO a Win!

For a diversion, what have the cats done lately?   (a self interest promotion).   

Write us a Cat Story, and then look at it from the perspective of WINNING!  How did those events help guide your next actions - What did you learn from them??

[smallcleanrat]

Not having a stellar week. Ended up in the ER yesterday because of a seizure; still feeling the effects (migraine and muscle soreness) today. Trying not to get too stressed about the resultant loss of productivity or too caught up in the feeling of being a burden. Trying to keep looking ahead. It's just not easy at moment. Feeling very tired and sad.

I'm very sorry you are struggling.

My personal health challenge doesn't look like yours, but I am learning (slowly) to listen to my body and when it feels the equivalent of banged up and sore it is time for a cup of really good first flush darjeeling tea and some nordic noir. By watching a show with subtitles I have to focus on the show and it gives me a mental break. Whatever your thing is that gives you rest and reset time, I hope you can do that. It's okay to not be okay and to take a little time to prevent things from getting worse.

I do see in your post that you are making some real progress and have some small victories even with identifying your triggers and using that to help yourself. I know small progress for me can feel harder than no progress sometimes because once I start a path I get even more impatient- I just want to get there!

Thanks, Istiblennius.

I've been trying to find solace in cats and opera.

Good to hear from you again, smallcleanrat.  It sounds like you are taking some useful steps.  Just keep working at it.  It sounds like you're not being rejected--you're being supported to help you do what you must.  I've had reason several times over the years to be glad for bosses who've shown some understanding when my mind has tried to flake out due to depression and anxiety issues.

I'm glad you've had some experience with understanding bosses, apl68. It does make such a difference. You are right; my PI is being very supportive, and I am extremely grateful for his kindness. I've been very lucky in the level of support I've received from my lab, my program, and my SO.

It sounds like you have had a few setbacks.  However, it also sounds like you had some great breakthroughs! 

Celebrate the Wins!  Dont concentrate on the setbacks.... Note that I didnt call them losses!  They were not!  They were just lessor victories!  You learned something from them, that will get you closer to your goal!  That is ALSO a Win!

For a diversion, what have the cats done lately?   (a self interest promotion).   

Write us a Cat Story, and then look at it from the perspective of WINNING!  How did those events help guide your next actions - What did you learn from them??

Hmm...cat wins. I'll certainly brainstorm a bit and see what I can add to the cat thread.

[Larimar]

Sorry to hear it, smallcleanrat. Hope you're getting the rest and anything else you need.

We all look forward to the next installment of the adventures of Maestro and Caramelo.

[smallcleanrat]

Had an upsetting encounter with EMTs yesterday after another non-epileptic seizure.

The university has told my PI that emergency services must be called every single time I have a PNES episode at lab, even though I've informed them that both my neurologist and psychiatrist say this is unnecessary. I get that it's for liability reasons, but it's so humiliating to have EMTs called on me so many times. Sometimes their comments are mortifying to hear, as they express exasperation at having been called on me "again?!?" or contempt because my problem is a psych issue rather than an actual medical issue. And they can be sharp and impatient with me, which feels awful. I've apologized to them several times, but I don't know if that's had any impact.

To be fair, I'm not always communicating clearly and I sometimes resist if they try to get me on a gurney. I'm often somewhat disoriented and mentally fuzzy immediately after these episodes and I'm highly anxious about ambulances and hospitals because of some bad past experiences. So, I'm often feeling so overwhelmed and panicked when the EMTs are there that I don't speak coherently or make the most rational decisions (like accepting that they have to take me if I'm not answering their questions to demonstrate that I am ok to be left alone).

Been trying to focus on finding solutions, rather than being consumed by guilt and embarrassment, but I'm having a hard time. Best solution would be to never have another episode in lab again, but I've already been working on avoiding that and I still don't get it right all the time. Next best solution would be to avoid having 911 called when I have an episode, but this would involve finding a location away from witnesses. Even if I could get to one in time, my PI has explicitly told me not to do this because of possible liability for the lab. Next-next best solution would be to communicate and cooperate better with the EMTs so they are slightly less annoyed with me, but I don't know how to put that into practice when I'm in the moment and feeling scattered and scared.

I guess another solution would be to stop caring whether the EMTs are annoyed or not, but I don't know how to do this either. I don't like being the reason anyone else is feeling irritated.