The Mental Health Thread

[smallcleanrat]

Lately, I've been realizing that I have a hard time with compliments.

I'm always bothered by doubts.

For example, I'd like to be able to trust the feedback on my work I get from peers and professors, but if it's complimentary my brain always searches for reasons not to believe it. I worry they are exaggerating positive feedback or leaving out negative criticism either out of kindness or a desire to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

I have similar difficulty with personal comments too, like when someone tells me they enjoy my company.

I think this partly has to do with not wanting to delude myself into thinking I'm better than I really am. I don't want to be one of those people that constantly overestimates their own competence and worth. On the other hand, it might be nice to be able to accept a kind word now and again, and to feel good enough for a change.

Does anyone else here have difficulty accepting compliments?

[Hegemony]

Do you have more trouble accepting them in person than if, say, you read one in a recommendation or in an email or something like that? I think part of the problem in hearing them in person is knowing what to say in response. "Thank you for explaining our position so well to the dean," someone might say, "you really made it clear; that was brilliant." And then you (I) respond, "Oh, uh, yeah, um..." So that's awkward. Whereas reading praise doesn't put one on the spot, so it might be easier to take in.

On the whole, though, I find that people rarely over-praise someone. What I observe is lots of people doing amazing jobs without much acknowledgement in any way. When you get some praise, it's most likely that you actually deserve a lot more.

[apl68]

Lately, I've been realizing that I have a hard time with compliments.

I'm always bothered by doubts.

For example, I'd like to be able to trust the feedback on my work I get from peers and professors, but if it's complimentary my brain always searches for reasons not to believe it. I worry they are exaggerating positive feedback or leaving out negative criticism either out of kindness or a desire to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

I have similar difficulty with personal comments too, like when someone tells me they enjoy my company.

I think this partly has to do with not wanting to delude myself into thinking I'm better than I really am. I don't want to be one of those people that constantly overestimates their own competence and worth. On the other hand, it might be nice to be able to accept a kind word now and again, and to feel good enough for a change.

Does anyone else here have difficulty accepting compliments?

Yes, I have quite similar feelings and awkwardness in responding to compliments.  For broadly similar reasons.

As Hegemony says, it's good to bear in mind that over-praise isn't that common, and that people usually don't praise somebody unless they really mean it.  I've been trying to train myself to accept compliments gracefully.  If the compliment comes with a thanks of some kind, a good "you're welcome" is always in order.

[smallcleanrat]

Do you have more trouble accepting them in person than if, say, you read one in a recommendation or in an email or something like that? I think part of the problem in hearing them in person is knowing what to say in response. "Thank you for explaining our position so well to the dean," someone might say, "you really made it clear; that was brilliant." And then you (I) respond, "Oh, uh, yeah, um..." So that's awkward. Whereas reading praise doesn't put one on the spot, so it might be easier to take in.

On the whole, though, I find that people rarely over-praise someone. What I observe is lots of people doing amazing jobs without much acknowledgement in any way. When you get some praise, it's most likely that you actually deserve a lot more.

I guess I do have more trouble with in-person compliments. Especially since I've so often heard people say much nicer things to a person's face than they are saying behind their back.

But I still have trouble with written, more formal praise too.

I didn't see any of the rec letters my profs wrote for me when I applied to grad school, but profs in my grad program told me they were "glowing." I was pretty surprised. I thought I did ok, but nowhere near good enough to merit a "glowing" recommendation. I thought perhaps they were being nice so I could have a better chance of getting in.

But if both you and apl68 agree that over-praise is uncommon, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should work on taking positive comments at face value, and tune down the part of my brain that wants to second-guess everything.

[apl68]

You got into grad school, and are getting through grad school, so your letters of recommendation must have been both good and pretty much on-target.  No need to second-guess them. 

Sometime after I became the director of our library, I had the opportunity to look in my own personnel file and read the letters of recommendation I got from former supervisors for this job.  They were nice.  I will always be grateful for them.  Be grateful for the good letters of recommendation and other good things that people say about you.  They're a treasure to have.

[Istiblennius]

I completely relate to this; I also have tended to respond to compliments with some over-thinking. My go-to strategy has been to try to respond with a simple "thank you. that is so kind". It assumes the complimenter has no ulterior motives and that I really did do well on the thing they said I did. I always feel pretty good after this response and it feels like the complimenter usually does to.

[OneMoreYear]

I think this semester has broken me. Even the COVID years were not this hard. I have had a reasonable handle on my depression for a number of years, but it appears that is no longer the case. I'm getting it on all sides from colleagues who assume I'm not doing my job to students who have eviscerated me in evals.  I will need to use this year to find a path out; I am hoping I can make it through this upcoming year without quitting, so I can continue to pay the mortgage. My options outside academic are more limited due to problems of my own making, but I'm just not sure I can continue this path much longer.

[little bongo]

I'm sorry you're going through all this, OneMoreYear. I'm afraid I can't offer a lot of practical advice, but I get how hard it can be to keep things together at work. My best resource here came from a program offered to faculty where you can get a few free weeks of therapy and then elect to continue--I found someone I can talk to who makes me feel like a person doing their best, as opposed to how I might come off to others. I hope the summer will give you the opportunity you need to find the right path.

[Langue_doc]

I think this semester has broken me. Even the COVID years were not this hard. I have had a reasonable handle on my depression for a number of years, but it appears that is no longer the case. I'm getting it on all sides from colleagues who assume I'm not doing my job to students who have eviscerated me in evals.  I will need to use this year to find a path out; I am hoping I can make it through this upcoming year without quitting, so I can continue to pay the mortgage. My options outside academic are more limited due to problems of my own making, but I'm just not sure I can continue this path much longer.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. Don't you have grad students who behave like flighty freshpeeps? Well, not all freshpeeps are flighty, but some of your grad students do sound like a poor fit for college, grad as well as undergrad. Hang in there. Hope you don't have to do much in summer other than take a well-deserved break from teaching.

[OneMoreYear]

Thank you all so much! You have no idea how amazing it is getting (even anonymous) support. I do have some freshpeep-grad students. I am trying concentrate on the ones who are not. And I do have some amazingly supportive colleagues. There are some positives.  I don't have a full summer break due to contract, but I am headed for vacation soon, and I'm hoping that will help with the burn-out so I'll be more clear headed.  I hope everyone else is getting a well-deserved summer break and/or teaching summer classes that fulfill you or at least help financially.

[AmLitHist]

It's back to the GP for me Tuesday (she's booking into October, so I snagged what appears to be a cancellation when I saw it this morning) for antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety meds--industrial strength, by the handful, please.

Well, maybe not, but after spending the entire morning crying, and much of last week trying not to cry, I've got to do something. I'd been so proud of weaning myself off the very mild a-d I'd been on.  I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I'm on SO many meds right now (most of them life-long for the T2 diabetes), anything I could eliminate from the list seems like a good thing.

I am SO tired of being a sole caretaker, with no end in sight--let alone being able to even think about dealing with my own health problems. Every day is the same old shit, only worse and more of it.

Hoping others here are doing OK. And I'm right there with you, One More Year. Hang on. Know that I'm thinking about you.