The Mental Health Thread

[smallcleanrat]

Will post again with questions/comments on everyone's input here when I can think a bit more clearly.

mahagonny, wish I had personal experience with ketamine to share, but unfortunately have never tried it. I have been undergoing TMS, which is another treatment that tends to be used only when many other treatment attempts have failed. PM me if you're interested in that at all.

Was at a treatment this morning. Went out to the stairwell, 5 stories up, staring down at ground; complete lack of discomfort or giddiness I normally feel when looking down from a height. I told myself I would finish out the spring term before I thought anymore about suicide, but I guess I just had a heavy sad mood this morning that was hard to shake off. Called the suicide hotline, but was not able to make myself understood very well, especially regarding where I was. Should probably stick to text lines from now on. When the hotline ended the conversation and said goodbye to me I was still on that stairwell, leaning over the railing, and feeling stuck between going home or going over.

After a couple of hours, feelings had drained and I just felt blank. Headed home.

SO should have expected me back hours ago. Did not attempt to message me or inquire why I was away so long when I got back. Am not sharing the experience with him as I suspect it will do no good for either of us.

[Morden]

Hi Smallcleanrat, I'm glad you're going to treatment and that you called when you felt you needed to.
thinking of you,
Morden

:edit: Signature

[polly_mer]

Hi, smallcleanrat,

I'm glad you went home and then wrote to us.

Keep on reaching out for the help you need.

[mahagonny]

Will post again with questions/comments on everyone's input here when I can think a bit more clearly.

mahagonny, wish I had personal experience with ketamine to share, but unfortunately have never tried it. I have been undergoing TMS, which is another treatment that tends to be used only when many other treatment attempts have failed. PM me if you're interested in that at all.

Was at a treatment this morning. Went out to the stairwell, 5 stories up, staring down at ground; complete lack of discomfort or giddiness I normally feel when looking down from a height. I told myself I would finish out the spring term before I thought anymore about suicide, but I guess I just had a heavy sad mood this morning that was hard to shake off. Called the suicide hotline, but was not able to make myself understood very well, especially regarding where I was. Should probably stick to text lines from now on. When the hotline ended the conversation and said goodbye to me I was still on that stairwell, leaning over the railing, and feeling stuck between going home or going over.

After a couple of hours, feelings had drained and I just felt blank. Headed home.

SO should have expected me back hours ago. Did not attempt to message me or inquire why I was away so long when I got back. Am not sharing the experience with him as I suspect it will do no good for either of us.

You're welcome to PM to me at anytime, I like mutual support situations. I may need your help as we go along.

[apl68]

Hi, smallcleanrat,

I'm glad you went home and then wrote to us.

Keep on reaching out for the help you need.

Yes, just keep talking.  We're here.

[Cheerful]

Good that you called the hotline, smallcleanrat, and are in treatment.  You are being your own best friend and making it through another day.  Be good to yourself this weekend and every day.

Best wishes to you, mahagonny.  Try to make it the best weekend possible.  Be your own best friend.

Glad you're better after enduring hard times, apl68.  May your example give hope to others.

[permanent imposter]

I'm rooting for you smallcleanrat! I think this is only my third or fourth post here. I don't know you but I care about you as a person, and as others have said you are more than your job/so/mental health problems. You have intrinsic worth as a human being. Looking forward to updates from you and hope you get better.

[mahagonny]

So, my latest discovery. You might call in serendipity, although taking into account my taste for  'last resort' treatments (I say this to poke fun at myself, not to complain about responses on the fora) it might be considered some type of mischief.
Since my asthma got much worse two weeks ago I was prescribed maximum strength inhaled medicine. Fluticasone and salmeterol 500/50.
I find it has had a quick positive effect (3-4 days as opposed to 2-6 weeks for antidepressants) against depression.

[Morden]

That's interesting. Have you told your doctor about this effect?

[mahagonny]

That's interesting. Have you told your doctor about this effect?

Not as yet. But I do not have a psychiatrist at this time. My zoloft prescribing was taken over a couple years ago by my GP.

[mahagonny]

That's interesting. Have you told your doctor about this effect?

Not as yet. But I do not have a psychiatrist at this time. My zoloft prescribing was taken over a couple years ago by my GP.

I know what they will say when I tell them. Either (a) That's fine but the main concern is your breathing. All medicines can have side effects, or (b) are you sure? Could it be something else that makes you feel more upbeat lately? The nice Spring weather? or (c) if you needed that boost to your depression treatment you should probably meet with a psychiatrist for a few visits and discuss treatment options.

I know I can put the ball in their court. Thanks for your interest/ support, Morden.

I am not really surprised by this effect. Steroids, you know. And the maximum dose of this asthma medication. Steroids can be euphoric or dysphoric or neither, depending on the person.

[Morden]

Hi mahagonny, I'm glad you're getting some relief and hope the effect continues. I saw your earlier posts about ketamine. I don't know anyone who has taken it as a supervised therapy for depression. I do know someone who used it a lot and eventually things spiralled out of control for him, but that can be an issue with many substances.

[mahagonny]

Hi mahagonny, I'm glad you're getting some relief and hope the effect continues. I saw your earlier posts about ketamine. I don't know anyone who has taken it as a supervised therapy for depression. I do know someone who used it a lot and eventually things spiralled out of control for him, but that can be an issue with many substances.

Probably will, but long term steroid use is only a last resort. Of course, when someone could be unable to breath, last resorts are welcome, within reason.

[smallcleanrat]

Trying to find words. Not having an easy time.

About a week ago another TA learned about my depression and suicidality. Became intensely emphatic that she wanted to help anyway she could and would never want to hear anything had happened to me. Shared her own previous struggles with depression in grad school, emphasizing the people who helped her get through it.

I generally don't follow up on such offers of help, because people often say such things automatically or with good intention but no idea how to follow through. I try to avoid putting someone in that awkward situation. But she was so insistent and spoke so passionately, when I was struggling to hold together last week, I texted her asking if sometime over the next few days she'd be free for a phone chat. Told her the isolation over weekends, when there are no scheduled school or lab-related meetings was hard to withstand when having a bad spell. She said absolutely and texted she would call me the next afternoon.

Didn't hear from her the next day or the day after that or the day after that. Didn't want to prod her because she had offered a favor, it wasn't an obligation. Felt sad and empty and a little scared something bad had happened to her.

Then got an email saying sorry she couldn't call but she was totally preoccupied with quals prep. Understandable. Just feeling...I don't know...insignificant. Would have felt ok if she had taken 10 seconds to send a message saying "Slammed with work; can we postpone our phone chat to another day?" Or something like that. Something to let me know she remembered I exist.

Same day I got that email my psychiatrist missed our appointment. He has a habit of not writing things down right away, and sometimes doesn't realize we had agreed to meet. Spent half an hour staring at a blank Zoom meeting window.

Spent a few hours last night deep breathing against a suffocating feeling in my chest.

Utterly ashamed at how poorly I am coping with minor disappointments. I don't think I've ever had the strength to manage on my own without comfort or validation from other people. I still don't feel like a proper adult, and I no longer feel like a real person. There is less distress thinking about dying than there is thinking about living.

Trying to focus on work as much as possible. End of term is in a couple of weeks. I told myself I would hold off thinking about anything else until then. It seemed a manageable goal. Don't know quite where to go from there. I can't endure feeling this way forever.

[clean]

Then got an email saying sorry she couldn't call but she was totally preoccupied with quals prep. Understandable. Just feeling...I don't know...insignificant. Would have felt ok if she had taken 10 seconds to send a message saying "Slammed with work; can we postpone our phone chat to another day?" Or something like that. Something to let me know she remembered I exist.

Same day I got that email my psychiatrist missed our appointment. He has a habit of not writing things down right away, and sometimes doesn't realize we had agreed to meet. Spent half an hour staring at a blank Zoom meeting window.

1.  It is certainly understandable (as you stated) that someone in the throws of preparing for qualifying exams may be ignoring their emails rather than ignoring you.  Perhaps, had you send a text, it may have had a different outcome.  My experience with students (even graduate students) is that they can and will ignore email, but can not be more than a few feet from their phone!

2.a. Many of my doctors offices phone the day before to confirm our appointments.  Perhaps you can act more proactively to do the same.  You can call the office a day or even 2 before to confirm that you have an appointment scheduled.  Especially if someone has a history that hu "doesnt realize we had agreed to meet".  (I learned this from Gomer Pyle, but I m sure it comes from somewhere else originally, "Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me!")
2b.  Why didnt you call the office to see if there was a problem rather than wait half an hour?  IF there is no connection after 10 minutes, why didnt you pick up the phone to ask the office if they were having a problem?

You are in more control of your life than you realize and personalizing too much, perhaps.  I have read many of your posts and I understand your general situation.  I appreciate that you are not coping well, but I think that by taking a few actions on your own behalf will save you from the spiral of gloom that follows a disappointment.  If you avoid putting yourself in the position to be disappointed, you will feel better.