The Mental Health Thread

[smallcleanrat]

I believe I mentioned this before, but a reminder: when I was suicidal, my therapist not only kept our weekly appointments, but checked in with me by phone mid week. There are people who will go the extra mile.

Yes, that's the kind of thing to look for in a therapist.  Missing appointments with fragile people is really, really not good.

mahagonny, good to know there are therapists who do seem to care. Good to know you had one when in a time of great need.

RE: the other TA. I'm back to being worried that something is wrong. Still haven't heard anything from her, and apparently the professor has been getting emails recently from her students (some emailing multiple times as their earlier emails were unanswered) asking for their homework scores or when they will get feedback on the earlier drafts of their paper (final version due next week). Surprising because when we had TA meetings with the professor (every 1-2 weeks) he would ask us about these things and she had said weeks ago she had given everybody their scored homework assignments and feedback for the paper. I used to feel bad that I wasn't getting tasks like this completed as quickly as she seemed to be.

Professor has asked for another TA meeting next week; haven't seen her response.

Don't know what to make of this or if I should do anything specific to try to check on her...

[clean]

. I'm back to being worried that something is wrong.

Im not sure how to best approach this.  As I was finishing my PhD program, I had a friend (still do) that went through a terrible time. However, I was not able to help him.  Had I tried, he would have pulled me under, risking us both.  I suppose that the way to think about it is to think about those people in the ice fields.  They tie everyone together.  The idea is that the weight of the group will help anchor the one that falls down the hill or into a crevasse. However, every now and again, in order to save the others, it is necessary to cut the ties that bind everyone together and prevent  the one that has fallen from dragging the others down.

In my case, I had to 'cut my friend loose'.  Years later I talked to him about how bad I had felt for having to do that, but he was just glad that we were still friends and he remarked how grateful he was for the help and support I was able to provide.

In this case, it seems that you have enough of a load to carry, and you can not take on the burden of your (flaky) friend.  I m not saying to cut all communication, but to use your mental energy to worry about them is not helping either of you!  The other TA has your number.  IF he/she needs to talk about their issues or asks for help that is one thing, but to worry because they have reduced their communication with others is not exactly your problem. It IS the employing professor's problem!  Leave the problem and solution to the one that it belongs to!

In the end, you can only take care of yourself.  You can not help those that are unwilling to accept it, and the first step in accepting it, is to communicate the need for it!   Your TA 'friend' is in the throws of comps, as I recall, and that is a very selfish time in the program. By necessity, one must focus on oneself in order to graduate.  Only the student can complete the tasks necessary! 

Again, I wish you luck in your own issues, but I suggest that you divert your worry to more constructive areas.

[polly_mer]

Don't know what to make of this or if I should do anything specific to try to check on her...

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Let others take on the care of the TA.

You have a new therapist to find.

[smallcleanrat]

Does anyone have a go to coping mechanism for the type of intense emotional pain that gives you a physical sensation of being kicked in the stomach and chest? It's the kind that has you concentrating to keep your breathing regular and that causes fits of violent sobbing (to the point of muscle soreness, like after overdoing it on ab day).

It's been building all this week and starting yesterday it reached unbearable levels. I don't know how to shut it off.

None of my (therapist-sanctioned) go-to's are having much effect: deep breathing, cold water bath, meditation, distraction with work, tv, or radio; can't find a friend available to talk; can't walk outside for long because of leg issues, and even if that wasn't the case I know better than to go out when I feel like this; can't play piano because of hand injury; cat's in the mood to be left alone; crisis hotline would just make me feel worse; trying to avoid taking anything sedating b/c of the temptation to overdose

I need an alternative.

[clean]

Sit in a chair... like a dining room chair, no arms is better.

lift your legs, but dont lock your feet on the chair, and use your muscles to hold them up.

Now swing your arms back and forth rapidly.

This uses core muscles to hold your legs up and moves your upper body with your arms swinging.

It is a good way to get some exercise when you are unable to get around (because of leg injuries).

(make sure that you have plenty of room... dont hit your hands on things while swinging them!)

My primary care provider recommended this to me.  It can be a bit of a work out! 

[the_geneticist]

OK, you really really really need to go to a new doctor.  You are describing panic attacks.

Have you tried focusing on wiggling your toes?  It's what NASA recommends for ignoring crippling nausea and other discomforts.  Take off your socks & shoes and see if you can wiggle just one big toe.  Then the other toe.  Then just the small toes on one foot.  Then just the small toes on the other foot.

[polly_mer]

OK, you really really really need to go to a new doctor.  You are describing panic attacks.

Yep.

smallcleanrat, a warm bath with an engaging novel and a glass of my favorite pop can be a relaxing distraction when I can't go anywhere.

Another choice is a huge jigsaw puzzle and a favorite movie.

[smallcleanrat]

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone.
Some things helped; problem is I can't keep it up 24/7, and when I stop everything is back.

Next Monday was the day I decided to allow myself to reevaluate my pros and cons for suicide. I put off considering it until my TA-ship was done. Well, due to the chaotic world that was spring term, several students opted for incompletes and have until end of Fall term to turn in all their work. It seems the expectation is that I will be available for grading when the incomplete work comes in. I don't know.

I told prof I would try to be available for the grading; he would like answer keys for the entire term's worth of homework just in case he has to grade any. I don't see a chance of the other TA taking half...or any...to share the load, as she seems to have decided to pretend I don't exist. I guess it'll give me something to do.

Cross-referencing the venting thread: if he and the other TA would just communicate with me as a person I think it would go a long way toward easing this pain. I know I can reach out to hotlines and message my health care providers, but I'm starving for interaction that makes me feel like a real person who has a place in this world among other real people. I don't want to be just somebody's job.

I'm not close with my family, I don't know anymore where I stand with SO, my friends are preoccupied with their own lives... This TAship was more or less the center of my world this Spring. I'm not expecting the prof and other TA to take on the role of friend or family, but it often feels they don't think much of me as a colleague either...or a fellow human being.

I sent messages asking if previous messages were received, as many have gone unanswered. I explain I want to at least know if my messages are arriving or if there is possibly something wrong with the system. These messages are also unanswered. Other messages sent within the same time frame were answered, so either some are not getting through, are not getting noticed, or are being selectively ignored.

I have times these days in which I'm doubting my own existence. So much silence when I try to connect with people, even people who claim to love me. I wonder if I'm just dreaming I am reaching out; I feel detached from my body, like an automaton. It's probably a major reason people don't want to interact with my. Vicious cycle and all that...

I have a chain of thoughts going through my head on repeat:
--> Some people in my life are aware that I am suicidal.
--> These people then express "concern" and say I can contact them "any time" if I need their help in any way.
--> These same people then become persistently uncommunicative when you ask for their attention, even though you try to limit yourself to small requests (e.g. a friendly phone chat, an email exchange checking in/catching up). Either promises are made and not kept (with no explanation as to why and no message beforehand canceling any plans that may have been made). Or there is no response at all. The common courtesy option of firing back a brief message saying you're sorry, but you won't be available then (or maybe for the next week or month) is rarely taken.

Potential Explanations my brain comes up with:
--> Expressing concern and offering help were just expressions people feel are socially mandated in such situations. They never intended to follow through (or perhaps they did but didn't think ahead as to whether or not they would actually be willing and able to do so), and feel it would be too awkward to tell you this.
--> The expressions were sincere but in the meantime they have become sick of you and would prefer not to interact with you more than strictly necessary. For one reason or another, they opt not to tell you this, so they simply withdraw without explanation.
--> The expressions were a lure, and ignoring you when you ask for interaction is their way of communicating either that they don't care what happens to you or they are hoping you will go ahead and kill yourself. These are not socially acceptable things to say out loud, so they say it with silence.

[Puget]

smallcleanrat,

We're here. We hear you. Please keep talking with us.

Maybe it would be good to talk about something light and normal for a while, get out of the spirally thoughts-- would would you like to chat about?

We could talk about cats  (I've been taking mine into the back yard with harnesses-- an interesting adventure!).

We could talk about science-- I'm in the sciences too, but not in your field I don't think--I'm always interested in hearing the accessible version of other people's research.

We could talk about books, or TV shows, or music.

We could even talk about the weather. I'm happy to whine about how hot and sticky it suddenly is here.

[polly_mer]

smallcleanrat,

We're here. We hear you. Please keep talking with us.

Agreed!  As a community, we have more collective energy than any one person.

We can talk about anything.  If nothing on Puget's list is appealing, then we're open to other topics.

Keep reaching out!

[Cheerful]

You're a very good writer, smallcleanrat, and a good person with compassion for others.  What about sharing those gifts with elderly people who are lonely?  Here is a relatively easy letter-writing effort I read about where people are sending kind letters to the elderly:

https://lovefortheelderly.org/letters

"We need your help. We want you to write letter(s) that will uplift an elderly stranger!"

You write a nice card and mail to them and they'll send it to someone who could use some cheer.

[clean]

I told prof I would try to be available for the grading; he would like answer keys for the entire term's worth of homework just in case he has to grade any. I don't see a chance of the other TA taking half...or any...to share the load, as she seems to have decided to pretend I don't exist. I guess it'll give me something to do.

I sent messages asking if previous messages were received, as many have gone unanswered. I explain I want to at least know if my messages are arriving or if there is possibly something wrong with the system. These messages are also unanswered.

First, if you have to write anything new, dont if you are not being paid!!  IF this is simply a matter of sending what you have already done, then put together about half that you are willing to bundle, email them to the prof and the other TA with a notation about what you have done and what is missing.  "I have completed assignments 2,3,6,9, &10 leaving 1,4,5,7,& 8 for Other TA to submit.  I look forward to working with you again in the Fall!"

Send something like that message with the rubrics you have to the professor with other TA CCd and be done with it.
Wait 2 business days and if he does NOT reply, print them and mail  them (with a stamp, like in the olden days!) with a printout of the email showing the sent time and address with a hand written note, "I wanted to be sure that you received the assignment information. As of 6/X I had not received a reply from you or otherTA, but I felt it important that I ensure that your received the material. I look forward to working with you in the fall!"

As for the rest of your email, I am sure that there are other outlets for finding people to talk to, even in the days of CV19.  The letter writing effort seems especially worthwhile!

[smallcleanrat]

smallcleanrat,

We're here. We hear you. Please keep talking with us.

Maybe it would be good to talk about something light and normal for a while, get out of the spirally thoughts-- would would you like to chat about?

We could talk about cats  (I've been taking mine into the back yard with harnesses-- an interesting adventure!).

We could talk about science-- I'm in the sciences too, but not in your field I don't think--I'm always interested in hearing the accessible version of other people's research.

We could talk about books, or TV shows, or music.

We could even talk about the weather. I'm happy to whine about how hot and sticky it suddenly is here.

smallcleanrat,

We're here. We hear you. Please keep talking with us.

Agreed!  As a community, we have more collective energy than any one person.

We can talk about anything.  If nothing on Puget's list is appealing, then we're open to other topics.

Keep reaching out!

Thanks so much, Puget and polly_mer. It's a good idea; and I especially appreciate the words of support. I'll try to think of a few things to post on the Water Cooler and Cat threads. I'm trying to distract from the hurt; it's just not easy.

[Rant Ahead]
Maybe I have a knee-jerk aversion to the expression "don't take it personally," because it's what my parents would constantly say to get me to roll over and accept abusive behavior. "Oh, your mom threw a glass at you and you got nicked by the shards? Well, she didn't actually hit you with it. She was just upset and needed an outlet. Don't take it so personally." "Oh, your mom says having a kid was the worst mistake she ever made and because of you she's miserable and has no future. Well, your mom has some issues, you know that; she says things she doesn't mean. Stop crying! You take everything too personally."

Had an email exchange with the prof. about being cut off during last lecture and subsequent meetings. He says he doesn't remember doing it, it wasn't personal, and remember people are very stressed at moment and I should try to think about what other people are dealing with. It's the response I get from most everybody about everything. 'It's not personal, I just forgot/didn't think of you at all.' The implication seems to be that I am out of line to express hurt or wish for an explanation or ask to be treated with more consideration; don't I know people are dealing with more important things in their lives? I do know; that's why it hurts.

If it were just typical hurt feelings or day-to-day annoyances, those responses are perfectly reasonable. But to know that me being in pain to the point of being suicidal merits no more consideration than if I were irked that someone mispronounced my name...it tells me how little I really matter. Maybe because the pain is primarily mental/emotional, it doesn't seem serious. Get a grip, stop thinking of yourself, and quit taking it personally when people ignore you, or lie to you, or break promises. If you're hurt it's your own damn fault. You don't know what they're going through. Oh, you're upset and sad? So is the rest of the world; you aren't special. Oh, you want to kill yourself? How is that my problem? Go see a therapist.

So on top of feeling invisible and insignificant, I feel guilty and selfish on top of everything else. I honestly loathe myself so much right now, I want to pull out of everything: grad school, treatment, my relationships. I'm just taking up spots other people could make better use of. If I can't stand being around me, why should anyone else?

I can only see going forward if I can find a way to make this inner pain less acute. It's more than melancholy, it's deep, visceral sensations of my existence being wrong, wrong, wrong.
[Rant Over. Thanks for your patience.]

Cheerful, I like the sentiment behind your suggestion (and thanks so much for complimenting my writing!). I looked over the link though, and it says they only accept handwritten letters, no typing. Currently my dominant hand is injured, and my non-dominant handwriting is hardly legible. Also, it's not a pen pal type arrangement; you don't know who is going to get your letter and you never find out. I'd always be wondering if my letter made it and worry about whether the recipient actually got something out of it or if they just found it boring. This is maybe something I can revisit when my hand heals and I'm not so emotionally brittle.

I have been considering volunteering some hours as a writing tutor. Too much going on right no to set that in motion, but it's on my list of potential ways to be useful and less lonely at the same time.

clean, I have shorthand notes but nothing readable to another person. I would have to do some typing and reworking to have answer keys someone else can use. He also asked for step by step solutions for any problems involving calculations. I don't think he will ask Other TA to do anything as "she has a lot going on already."  Right now I'm of a mind to go ahead and do it; if only for the distraction from the thoughts of suicide.

Prof's explanation for why many messages go unanswered: he doesn't check his email or phone often ("it's not personal").

[clean]

clean, I have shorthand notes but nothing readable to another person. I would have to do some typing and reworking to have answer keys someone else can use. He also asked for step by step solutions for any problems involving calculations. I don't think he will ask Other TA to do anything as "she has a lot going on already."  Right now I'm of a mind to go ahead and do it; if only for the distraction from the thoughts of suicide.

Here is my advice, do with it what you please. 
You and your labor are worth something.  Dont give it away.  IF you want to write the plans up as a distraction, then by all means, do so!  However, I suggest that you wait until classes start and you are rehired to provide the requested information.  IF you are not going to be paid for doing new work, then dont volunteer to provide it. The professor is not a charity!  IF he values the information then he will pay for it, or rather make sure that the university pays for it by  rehiring your in the fall.  As for the other TA whose personal life is to important to interrupt with a request, take a lesson from it.  Your life is also too important to interrupt with free requests. 
Take a lesson from the Prof too!  Take your time to respond to his messages!  As you are not being paid to be at his beck and call, then reply when you feel like it. No rush.  You may even make a game of it.  Dont reply to any messages for 2 or 3 days.  Then start with, 'I just saw your message as I only occasionally check my work email requests in the summer.  I can get on that request in a few days if I have the time to spare'.

I am aware of an old book on dating that was written for women/girls.  It was called something like "The Rules" . ( I just googled it.  It was written in 1995 and there is a second book The Rules II).  It is, as I said, a book on dating, but it essentially (from what I recall as it has been almost 25 years since I read it) is about how to make yourself more attractive by not being instantly available. 

Not to transition to 'book club' on a book that I havent read in decades, but I remember one piece of advice was IF he asked you out for Saturday, he had to do it before Wednesday. IF he asked on Thursday or Friday, you have to say that you already have other plans... AND DO SO!  MAke other plans!  Similarly, make a schedule for yourself for the next 4 or 5 days.  Should the prof come calling, wait a few days to reply (Dont wait by the phone - another piece of advice if I recall), and then let him know that you have already booked the next 4/5 days, but that you will pencil in his request for next week.

Anyway, I digress. 

Summary:
IF you want to do this work as a distraction, go ahead!  BUT dont volunteer the fruits of your labor until you know what the going rate on fruit is!    You are not in a position to doing Charity Work for a university or professor (above what being in grad school extracts from you!)  When you are back on the payroll, provide the goods then, but maybe not all at once!

[Puget]

Thanks so much, Puget and polly_mer. It's a good idea; and I especially appreciate the words of support. I'll try to think of a few things to post on the Water Cooler and Cat threads. I'm trying to distract from the hurt; it's just not easy.

Great-- I'll be looking out for your posts!

Maybe I have a knee-jerk aversion to the expression "don't take it personally,"

I can totally understand how that can be used and heard in a way that invalidates and tries to control your feelings. Some things clearly are personal, including the examples you give from your parents, and I'm very sorry you went through that. Other things truly aren't personal, but that doesn't mean other people get to tell you how you should feel about them-- you get to feel how you feel.

A therapist I co-teach a class with has what I think is  a very helpful way of talking about the balance between accepting and changing emotions. He teaches that all initial emotional reactions to things are valid-- you feel what you feel, and you should give yourself permission to feel it and observe what you are feeling without judgement. Then, once you've non-judgmentally observed your reaction, you can step back and decide what to do next with that emotion next. Are the thoughts driving that emotion true? Are they helpful? If not, you can take steps to change them to be more realistic and helpful, or engage in an activity that will help you feel better, and doing so doesn't invalidate the initial emotion. So it is not a contradiction to both accept the fact that you feel deeply betrayed and hurt by failures to respond to your communications, and that this is a totally valid way to feel, but then decide that it is not helpful or accurate to think that this means you are not worthy of their notice and respect, and that it is more helpful and accurate to think this is about their flakiness or other issues and not about you personally.