The Mental Health Thread

[polly_mer]

How's everyone doing this week?

[apl68]

Stepping down the dosage a bit more this week, and doing well so far.  Apart from that ongoing need to sleep a lot.  I REALLY hope to get back to needing a normal amount of sleep in the next month or two.

[smallcleanrat]

Glad that your are doing ok so far apl68.

I just finished my third week of my partial hospitalization program. It's pretty intense, and I haven't had a chance to digest even half of some of the things we've covered. 9am-4:30pm with not even a full hour break for lunch is kind of a difficult schedule to maintain when depressed and low-energy. As I break down the concepts and behavioral strategies I've been learning I will probably post more.

On another note, if anyone recalls my issues with my professor and the other TA in the class I was TA'ing for in the spring...there was an unexpected development. Got a call out of the blue from the professor asking if I would help him contact some of Other TA's students. Apparently Other TA had told her students they were all getting A's and were exempt from writing the final term paper. This was not at all the policy we had agreed on during our final meeting with the professor. She must have known that, because she told the professor that she had all her student's term papers and was finishing up with grading them. She told the prof she would be sending the graded papers to him within a few days (this was back at the end of Spring). Apparently she never did, and the prof has not been able to get any reply to email or text from her. He has been contacting all her students letting them know that turning in the term paper actually was required, letting them know their options for taking pass/fail or incomplete options, and talking to the registrar on the students' behalves. He called to ask whether I could help with some of this.

Huh...

I'm planning to do what I can to help. I feel bad that the students were lied to by their TA.

The phone call started with the prof immediately jumping into a description of the dilemma and then led into the request for help. Not even a "hi, how are you?" in the beginning, even though we haven't communicated in over a month and the last time we talked I was not doing well, to say the least. I'm not distraught over this, just mildly disappointed at the lack of pleasantries. Maybe this means I'm in a more stable place than I was back then. I'm still hurting for some interaction outside of treatment that leaves me feeling like I matter to someone else. Haven't been in contact with PI or lab-mates for weeks; they don't initiate communication and anytime I initiate I get minimal responses (or nothing).

I need some kind of action plan to build friendships. I seem to have lost all my old ones, or fooled myself into believing they were friendships in the first place.

[clean]

I could be wrong, but arent you sort of  'on the disabled list' at the moment trying to get better? 
It must suck to be in your professor's (former employer's) position. Arent you glad that You Dont Have to be in his shoes,?
I had said/warned earlier that your time is valuable and that if you are not being paid, you are not working!  (You are not in the charity giving business, from what I can tell).

Dont let your professor's problems distract you from addressing your health issues! 

Once these students write the papers they were told were not required, who is going to grade them?  I hope that it  is ANYONE BUT YOU! 

Remember, you ARE important.  Your TIME is VALUABLE!  At this point, your JOB is to GET BETTER.  There are no other Job Requirements for now! 

Good luck!  Thinking good thoughts for you!

[polly_mer]

I had said/warned earlier that your time is valuable and that if you are not being paid, you are not working!  (You are not in the charity giving business, from what I can tell).

Dont let your professor's problems distract you from addressing your health issues! 

Once these students write the papers they were told were not required, who is going to grade them?  I hope that it  is ANYONE BUT YOU! 

Remember, you ARE important.  Your TIME is VALUABLE!  At this point, your JOB is to GET BETTER.  There are no other Job Requirements for now! 

Good luck!  Thinking good thoughts for you!

I agree with clean.

Are you getting paid?  Is this really part of your job or is this a favor?

[Wahoo Redux]

I'm still hurting for some interaction outside of treatment that leaves me feeling like I matter to someone else. Haven't been in contact with PI or lab-mates for weeks; they don't initiate communication and anytime I initiate I get minimal responses (or nothing).

I need some kind of action plan to build friendships. I seem to have lost all my old ones, or fooled myself into believing they were friendships in the first place.

I understand.

I had a very lonely period in my life after I sobered up, thus losing my social-interaction mechanism, and then transferred from a pretentious well-polished SLAC to a gritty big football school where I lived off-campus and knew no one.  I had a terrible shock when I realized that I was thinking of the characters in the Friday night sitcoms as "friends." 

The normal suggestions people make (church, joining a "club," taking up a sport) were bad and intimidating.

What I did find was that people who were recovering were very open and willing to talk.  We shared an experience, were going through the same things, we were not judgmental with each other, and, since we were all working to get better, we were all generally good people inside.  Maybe look for a support group?

And if it helps, I think you have some friends here. 

[dr_codex]

Huh...

I'm planning to do what I can to help. I feel bad that the students were lied to by their TA.

The phone call started with the prof immediately jumping into a description of the dilemma and then led into the request for help. Not even a "hi, how are you?" in the beginning, even though we haven't communicated in over a month and the last time we talked I was not doing well, to say the least. I'm not distraught over this, just mildly disappointed at the lack of pleasantries. Maybe this means I'm in a more stable place than I was back then. I'm still hurting for some interaction outside of treatment that leaves me feeling like I matter to someone else. Haven't been in contact with PI or lab-mates for weeks; they don't initiate communication and anytime I initiate I get minimal responses (or nothing).

I need some kind of action plan to build friendships. I seem to have lost all my old ones, or fooled myself into believing they were friendships in the first place.

Prof is asking for things you cannot supply, and should not encourage. If you get something like a "Hey, can you confirm that nobody agreed to Ghost TA's plan?", it would probably be a good idea to step up with a formal email to the Chair, Program Director, or whomever. The students need grades, and closure, and the department has a dumpster fire to put out, and you might be able to help them direct the hose. However, it's not your place to grade somebody else's papers; that is, among other things, what Prof was paid for, as well as ensuring that all TA's are keeping on task, etc.

Ghost TA does what lots of pleasant people do: soothing sounds, sympathetic ear, and a lot of "Hey, that sound tough, maybe I could help with that?" Meanwhile, they are either screaming inside, or in denial, or hoping that some kind of catastrophe will come that will allow the mountain of backloaded work never to see the light of day. Ghost TA needs professional help, in several senses. Otherwise, this will be ex-Ghost TA.

You will have noticed the pattern: Ghost TA ghosts everybody, not just you. When called on it early, the plea is overwork. (That's when more got dumped on you.) When called on it again, crickets. 

Stay with the program, SCR. I have no doubt that it's draining -- 50 minutes of therapy did me in each week -- but it might be an opening door.

Pulling for you.

[the_geneticist]

Glad that your are doing ok so far apl68.

I just finished my third week of my partial hospitalization program. It's pretty intense, and I haven't had a chance to digest even half of some of the things we've covered. 9am-4:30pm with not even a full hour break for lunch is kind of a difficult schedule to maintain when depressed and low-energy. As I break down the concepts and behavioral strategies I've been learning I will probably post more.

On another note, if anyone recalls my issues with my professor and the other TA in the class I was TA'ing for in the spring...there was an unexpected development. Got a call out of the blue from the professor asking if I would help him contact some of Other TA's students. Apparently Other TA had told her students they were all getting A's and were exempt from writing the final term paper. This was not at all the policy we had agreed on during our final meeting with the professor. She must have known that, because she told the professor that she had all her student's term papers and was finishing up with grading them. She told the prof she would be sending the graded papers to him within a few days (this was back at the end of Spring). Apparently she never did, and the prof has not been able to get any reply to email or text from her. He has been contacting all her students letting them know that turning in the term paper actually was required, letting them know their options for taking pass/fail or incomplete options, and talking to the registrar on the students' behalves. He called to ask whether I could help with some of this.

Huh...

I'm planning to do what I can to help. I feel bad that the students were lied to by their TA.

The phone call started with the prof immediately jumping into a description of the dilemma and then led into the request for help. Not even a "hi, how are you?" in the beginning, even though we haven't communicated in over a month and the last time we talked I was not doing well, to say the least. I'm not distraught over this, just mildly disappointed at the lack of pleasantries. Maybe this means I'm in a more stable place than I was back then. I'm still hurting for some interaction outside of treatment that leaves me feeling like I matter to someone else. Haven't been in contact with PI or lab-mates for weeks; they don't initiate communication and anytime I initiate I get minimal responses (or nothing).

I need some kind of action plan to build friendships. I seem to have lost all my old ones, or fooled myself into believing they were friendships in the first place.

Don't waste any brain space on this.  This is entirely up to the professor to fix.  Not your problem, don't feel guilty.  Do NOT let the professor dump this problem in your lab.  I'm sure he'd love to - you do the hard work, the grading issues disappear, he doesn't have to admit that Ghost TA made a mistake.  Time to make yourself unavailable.  Your TA contract ended with the end of the class.
Your only task is to do what you need to do to get back to being yourself.

[smallcleanrat]

I haven't heard from the professor since the phone call, so I'm not really thinking too much about doing any extra work. He did emphasize it would be strictly volunteer.

I was reminded of the point sprout posted here about people greatly underestimating how much with high-functioning depression/anxiety are struggling and hurting. At the end of last term, when I was desperately trying to get some validation from either Ghost TA or the prof, the professor kept saying things like: you've been very reliable, you got all the grades in on time, you were there for your students....[implication: therefore, your issues can't be that bad]. Ghost TA was the one he said he was worried about since she had been incommunicado so often during term. He said he knew she had been "having a hard time." I don't wish her ill and I do hope she's ok, but at the same time I was screaming internally "I'm having a hard time too! TAing took everything out of me; it was often the only activity I could manage to do all day before my energy would crash or my mood would tank or self-harm urges would become overwhelming. I can't keep going on this way; it's just not sustainable. I. Am. Not. Ok."

I think I even said some variation of "I don't think I can keep this up anymore." Prof. said, "well, you'll just have to."

*sigh*

What I'm trying to shake off now is puzzling over the situation and worrying about Ghost TA. It's just such a bold lie to tell the prof she will pass on her students' papers to him before grades are due to the registrar, when she knows those papers don't even exist. It's not possible for a lie like that to hold up. In a situation like this, would a TA be penalized in any way? I suppose she could be blacklisted from further TA jobs, but that may not matter if she is now done with her program's teaching requirements.

Prof. had been asking her regularly throughout term whether she needed some of the TA work taken off her plate because he didn't want her to be overwhelmed. She could have just said she was swamped with other stuff and needed help with the TA work. She could even have said she had too much going on to do any of it, and I'm sure the prof. would have accepted it and split her work between me and him.

It's such a bridge-torching way to behave (since she just passed quals I'm thinking she has at least 1-2 years left as a student in this department) that it's hard to get my brain to stop worrying she was planning on not being around after spring...sick? dropping out? suicide? At this point I'd be content to know that she's alive and still in grad school.

[clean]

The only thing that comes to mind is "let it go".  You can not allow yourself to worry about the actions someone else has taken.  You have to take care of yourself and I gather that worry is an issue. 
Put it in a box for now and maybe put it on the calendar for say Halloween. On that day, you can reach out or ask others 'whatever happened to The Ghost' (if you hadnt already found out).
Until then, remember that you have only one job -- to get better.  Anything that distracts from that should be put away.

[polly_mer]

The only thing that comes to mind is "let it go".  You can not allow yourself to worry about the actions someone else has taken.  You have to take care of yourself and I gather that worry is an issue. 
Put it in a box for now and maybe put it on the calendar for say Halloween. On that day, you can reach out or ask others 'whatever happened to The Ghost' (if you hadnt already found out).
Until then, remember that you have only one job -- to get better.  Anything that distracts from that should be put away.

This. 

Ghost TA isn't your problem. 

Picking up anything Ghost TA dropped is not your problem.

Your responsibility is your own health and anything for which you are being paid.

[polly_mer]

How are folks doing this week?

[OneMoreYear]

I hope everyone is doing well. I am more burnt out this week that I have been since graduate school.   I'm working flat out everyday, and wasn't monitoring how much of a toll it was taking until I hit a breaking point today. I've been craptastic at self-care (I teach it, so it's a "do as I say, not as I do" sort of thing). I need to figure out a better plan before I slide down. It helps to write it here. I think I'll go for a walk.

smallcleanrat, did you finish your PH program?

[smallcleanrat]

There hasn't been any activity on this thread for awhile.

Does that mean most people are doing relatively ok?

I've transitioned from a partial hospital program to an intensive outpatient program (about 10 hours a week). I've also been trying to transition back into labwork, but it hasn't been a smooth process. I was doing better for a time, but had a pretty big setback when trying to get back to the rest of my life.

This is probably the best behavioral health program I've ever experienced. But I still struggle with the lack of energy and focus, intense low moods, and sense of detachment from everything. I still have frequent bouts of intense suicidal urges. My doc is thinking of either ketamine or ECT to try next.

I'm wondering if it's possible to be broken beyond repair.

I feel intense guilt every time I have to report that I'm not doing much better. It's like I'm not doing my part. It was like this during the TMS treatments as well.

But I swear I've been trying.

[polly_mer]

By being under medical care, you are doing your part and that's what a good try will look like, smallcleanrat.

Hang in there!