When you realize you don’t want job, but still need reimbursement ...

[Vkw10]

From "Red flags indicating you shouldn't take the job" on the ""Job search & interviews" board, a new game:

Some universities don't reimburse if they offer job and you turn them down. Yes, that's a red flag. Grit your teeth, smile agreeably, and ask the questions that make them not offer the job if you realize that you don't want the job but still need reimbursement.

A list of those questions could be its own hilarious thread.  "Will the department secretary help me with my colostomy bag?"  "May I teach all of my classes on Tuesday evenings?"  "Do the College Republicans need a faculty sponsor?"

How many classes can I cancel in a semester?

[polly_mer]

How frequently can I choose a new lover from among the students?  Am I limited to one per course per term?

[writingprof]

"I need to be paid in cash. Is that a problem?"

"Senior administrators are chosen by the faculty, right?"

[science.expat]

Can I do all my teaching online from another state while you arrange for a colleague to cover my laboratory classes?

[aside]

I'll need a salary 50% above the average for my rank to consider this position.

[polly_mer]

What is the policy on how large a percentage of the grade can be cash-based extra credit?

What is the policy on how large a percentage of the grade can be chore-based extra credit?

How close to the campus is the nearest car wash?  Dry cleaner?

[Vkw10]

Can I get an office on North Campus, so people won't interrupt my work?

Can I have an office with a southern exposure, so my plants get enough light?

[polly_mer]

What will be done to ensure that my courses always fill so I don't end up with some gen ed course that no one wants to teach?

How many maternity leaves can I take before going up for tenure?  Is seven too many?

[San Joaquin]

Y'all don't check for grade inflation, riiiiight?

[polly_mer]

What is housing like here for students?  Do faculty supplement their salaries by being landlords to students in tiny houses in the backyard?

[OneMoreYear]

These "service requirements," those are really just for show right?   I mean, nobody really does any work on those committees, right?

Also, yeah, I see that after the staff layoffs this year that all of you all share an "administrative assistant." Yeah, that's not going to work for me. Who would I need to talk to get my own secretary?

[polly_mer]

What's the dress code here?  Do I have to wear pants if I'm teaching fully online for everything?

Say, can I teach fully online for everything for the first three years with at most 2 new preps during that time?

[aside]

What's your policy on sex with students?

[polly_mer]

How long do I have to work here before I can get something called 'tennurrey'?

How about if I pass you a cool hundred bucks?  How long then?

[apl68]

How long is it necessary to work in this state before becoming eligible to draw unemployment?