Who do you reveal sensitive information to?

[Hegemony]

Let me begin with a rather depressing tale of calamities, and then I'll get to my question.

Some years ago I became romantically involved with an old friend. We were involved for some years, and then six years ago he died of a sudden heart attack. As you might imagine, this knocked me sideways. It took me at least a year to get back to some semblance of normality. Eventually I surfaced again and began to get back to normal functioning, and in time, embarked on a new romance. This new man lived at a distance, so a lot of my acquaintances undoubtedly had no idea this was going on (nor did they have any reason to). Anyway, this man died suddenly last month.

So having been through this once before recently, I sort of know how it goes, in terms of being overwhelmed with emotion. And I'm doing okay, all things considered, albeit being an expected amount of depressed and miserable. But I have very conspicuously slowed down. I'm simply not getting things done. It's like my response is just slowing me down until everything is accomplished as if walking through molasses. All the immediate and urgent things are getting done: the teaching, the deadlines. But the bureaucracy is not — the reports are late, the secretaries keep reminding me that this or that is due. I answer grad student emails when they have specific questions, but when they send me cheery little links or jokes, I just can't seem to make myself answer.  It doesn't help that I'm head of a program that's in dire straits anyway, with most of the other established members on leave or down with a life-threatening illness or what have you. In other words, there's no one who could step in and replace me right now.

So my question is how much I should tell people about why I'm not fully on the ball right now. Specifically, how much should I tell:
- the two secretaries who are becoming increasingly cranky over my failure to remember and turn in bureaucratic documents
- our grad students who are in my "How to Be an Academic" group, but who seem to be abashed that I am no longer the cheerful energetic person I was at the beginning of the semester
- the fellow faculty who are asking me to go the extra mile on various initiatives, and who are baffled as to why I'm suddenly saying no to everything that requires energy from me

And if I tell them something, what should I tell them? Historically I'm bad at this: I tend not to reveal news when I should, and then over-reveal when I shouldn't. Should I say that "I've had a family issue"? Or that someone close to me has died?  (I wouldn't call him my "partner," so it's kind of awkward expressing it.) Or that "there have been some difficulties"? Or "Some difficulties have kept me from being more efficient" or something like that?  Or what?   One problem with this kind of situation, as I know from the last time, is that you're so immersed in your world of emotion that you lose sight of what's reasonable to tell people. 

What are the norms here, do you think? What would you do?

[ergative]

Oh, I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time! I think the phrase you're looking for is something like, 'I have suffered a painful bereavement, and I'll need you to bear with me until I get back up to speed.' They don't need to know who, or the fact that it's the second such, or anything like that. The word 'bereavement' tells them it's serious, and the word 'painful' tells them that it's not great Aunt Sue that you haven't seen in ten years.

The nice thing about this phrase is that it works equally well for snippy bureaucrats and also for grad students who just need to know that you don't hate them.

[nonsensical]

I too am sorry to hear all of this. What a painful thing to go through, even once. Twice, and in the middle of everything else that's happening right now, is just extra not okay.

I think ergative's phrasing is lovely and that you can use it with whomever you want. You don't owe an explanation and could just say nothing, but saying something could help preserve your relationships with others, so they don't get mad at you for not following through or think you hate them or anything like that. Of course, in the current circumstances, lots of people are not at their best, and I think most will understand that. So that could give some cover if you don't want to say something.

[mahagonny]

I once had a painful thing, not a death, but a separation, breakup, relocation and was wondering exactly like you. Hard on me cause I'm a homebody, depression prone by nature and my relationships are intense. Over a course of maybe a week I became aware that a colleague had told everybody about it, in a careful way. That way they knew to take it easy with me, but I didn't have to say anything, and neither did they. I wish that could happen for you. But in any case the suggestion upthread was highly adequate.
Losing a person you're close to is about the worst. Time is your friend!
Therapist said 'you may not be faltering as much as you think. Obviously you're keeping an eye on things.'

[mamselle]

Be good to yourself, and I agree that the simple wording above would be a part of that, letting others know there's an honest reason for what's going on, and taking the edge off the pressure you're feeling as well.

I'm so, so, sorry for both your losses. It takes such courage to risk oneself like that, not once, but twice, and I wouldn't wonder if unresolved issues from your first loss might not be resonating with this one as well.

All good thoughts.

M.

[little bongo]

Echoing the good thoughts for you and the good advice the others have shared. I have found that most of the people you work with and for have some understanding that sometimes we have to deal with horrible events. I'm also very sorry for your losses.

[nonsensical]

I once had a painful thing, not a death, but a separation, breakup, relocation and was wondering exactly like you. Hard on me cause I'm a homebody, depression prone by nature and my relationships are intense. Over a course of maybe a week I became aware that a colleague had told everybody about it, in a careful way. That way they knew to take it easy with me, but I didn't have to say anything, and neither did they. I wish that could happen for you.

Hegemony, one option might be to share something like what ergative suggested, or anything else you're comfortable with, with someone who will share that news with others for you. You could ask them directly to do this or pick, as the person with whom you share, someone who you think will just naturally share this news with others. That would convey the information to people without you having to explain multiple times.

[darkstarrynight]

It was brave of you to share here. I am sorry to learn about the loss of these special people in your life. I have noticed that people lately have been "providing grace" with some of this delay in doing "bureaucratic paperwork" and such. I had a rough night a few weeks ago and woke up when I was supposed to be meeting with a new mentee that was formally assigned in our program. I immediately emailed hu that I would be 10-15 minutes late. I hate making poor first impressions, but when I "showed up" on video, hu told me this is an important time for all of us to be understanding. It meant so much since I felt like a wreck. Then the poor student recently went to the hospital in pain and had hu's appendix removed. We had to delay our research meetings, and it was no big deal of course. Hu's health is the top priority. I think people will surprise you (in a positive way).

[smallcleanrat]

As a student, if I had an inkling one of my professors was dealing with the loss of someone very important to them, I would certainly need to know no more than that to feel sympathetic and understanding if that person seems distracted or closed off. And, as you mention, it might put some people at ease that you are not displeased with them personally (a conclusion I can easily imagine many traditional college/grad school-aged students jumping to).

I think nonsensical's advice about recruiting someone you trust to handle the matter sensitively as a sort of liaison might help relieve some of the awkwardness involved.

I'm so sorry this happened, Hegemony. That's an awful lot to cope with on top of everything else. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[aside]

I'm so sorry for your losses, Hegemony, and on top of everything else these crazy times are inflicting upon us.

I also dislike sharing personal matters at work, yet if my performance were being affected with students, staff, and colleagues, I would share the bare minimum.  Ergative's wording is good.  At my place, protocol would be to notify the person to whom you report if necessary (and I would do so if my job performance were being affected--better to get in front of the situation in case complaints come from other quarters).

Do take care of yourself and don't stress about taking the time you need to grieve or not being your normal self at work.

[Vkw10]

I'm sorry for your loss, Hegemony.

Tell the administrative assistants and graduate student group briefly. Ergative's wording is good. Be sure to tell the administrative assistants that you appreciate their help reminding you of deadlines. It's likely that others will hear and give you some space, but if not you can either tell people who ask you to go the extra mile or simply say, "I hope your initiative is successful, but I can't take on anything more this year."

[Heathcliff]

I am so sorry for your losses, Hegemony.  I cannot imagine being functional at work in your shoes.  No wisdom to share, just sympathy.

[spork]

My sympathies also. I would just tell people something like "Sorry if I seem mentally preoccupied lately. Someone close to me died recently."

[Hegemony]

Thank you all. I will try out this wording. I appreciate all your thoughts.

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

My sympathies as well. I agree with the comments mentioned by ergative.